Being introverted

Prodoge

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When i an talking to people I don't now well or people i have recently met it feels like i am stuck in my head to much trying to find the right things to say.
Often conversations become akward because of this. Not even talking about when I want to the hot girl over there.

However when i am confortable with people like family and close friends i make c0cky comments without noticing it sometimes and come up with things without thinking.

Has this got to do with me being introverted and what can I do to get around it ?
 

FwoGiZ

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You care too much. The best way to overcome this is to start talking to people. It doesn't matter about what and if it's small talk, just talk to them. At the grocery store, talk to that lady, make funny comments about that weird advertisement on that mac n cheese box.. go from there. You will get better and a feeling of what to say and what not to say. You'll make mistakes and it'll be real weird at first but eventually, you'll get the hang of it.
One of my very good friend was telling me he was super introvert when he was younger and eventually he realised that it was just gonna make his social life harder so he decided to learn social skills. He was working in a grocery store and just started talking to everyone and anyone, trying to engage conversation and even if it was mostly small talk, eventually he became quite good at it. Now when I hangout with him, he can literally walk up to ANYONE and give a good first impression within the first 5 minutes...
Deep down, he's still an introvert... just he has learnt skills to make his life better. Only his close friends really know him, he's still the same guy, just better.
 

zekko

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I used to have this same problem. I was able to "be myself" around people I was comfortable with, but I froze up around others. I got over it by one simple thing: practice. I knew it was a problem so I became determined to fix it.

I took every opportunity to socialize, party, try new things, whatever, until I got better at it. I also tried to imagine what I would say if I was in a comfortable situation; tried to be my real self.

I am an introvert, which means I take my energy from myself and solitude. I'm happy with that. I'm not fond of the term "introverted" because that makes it sound like there's something wrong with you. Being an introvert is okay, being shy is a problem. I had problems with shyness when I was younger. It probably all comes from growing up alone, I was basically an only child.
 

Prodoge

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@zekko @FwoGiZ it sound easy when you write it in a comment like that and i do want to socialize more but sometimes when i could be practising just having small talk it's hard for me to find the energy. Most of the time i don't even care about what they have to say to me when I am shopping or doing something else if you understand what i mean.

In other words i find it difficult to find interest in pointless conversations like small talk
 
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AlphaNate

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In other words i find it difficult to find interest in pointless conversations like small talk
That's all talking to women is. You can engage them without caring what they say. I do it all the time.
 

wifehunter

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Valerian
 

Urbanyst

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Weak frame is your problem.

Be more secure in who you are. This comes from success. Focus on finding ways to thrive and elevate yourself to a place where you are high value.
 

wifehunter

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zekko

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@zekko @FwoGiZ it sound easy when you write it in a comment like that and i do want to socialize more but sometimes when i could be practising just having small talk it's hard for me to find the energy.
No, there's nothing easy about it, it was hard work. The thing was, I was highly motivated, because I was a young man, and I had my whole life ahead of me, and I was determined and driven to get it handled. That makes it easy in some ways - if you're not motivated, you're not going to put in the work.
 

taiyuu_otoko

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No, there's nothing easy about it, it was hard work.
@Prodoge

Think about it this way, if it were super easy, every clown would be trying to be the life of the party.

ANYTHING worthwhile in life is going to take consistent effort that is NOT enjoyable or easy in and of itself.

Those who grunt there way through, like @zekko and others, get the benefits. Those who expect any kind of growth or development to be easy and enjoyable don't.

You either do the work to get the skills to get the life you want, or you don't.

Contrary to seduction marketing goofs, there ARE NO SECRET SHORTCUTS. This is why so many people suck at this, and are angry about it. They expect it should be easy, and it's not.

 

AlexKaiser

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@zekko @FwoGiZ it sound easy when you write it in a comment like that and i do want to socialize more but sometimes when i could be practising just having small talk it's hard for me to find the energy. Most of the time i don't even care about what they have to say to me when I am shopping or doing something else if you understand what i mean.

In other words i find it difficult to find interest in pointless conversations like small talk
What counts as a non-pointless conversation? One where you are pursuing your goals? One that is about something you are interested in, and have something to gain?

I am an introvert as well. I communicate easier online because it lets me plan and articulate what I want to say, however, the skills I learned from here can also be applied in real life conversations.

You don't have to throw yourself into useless conversations, but you DO have to figure out WHY you are talking to them. You want to talk to the attractive girl in hopes of increasing her interest level. So, what goal can you find in practicing conversation?

That the "introverted feel" you put off slowly goes away. The point is to talk with enough confidence that you NEVER feel like you say the wrong things and NEVER worry about your words. Most people don't, they spew crap and then do damage control later. You have the advantage of choosing words carefully, but you need to practice how to choose these words sooner.

Best way to do this? Talk to pretty girls. Have some lines planned out, but don't write a book on what you're going to say. Whenever you hit a moment you feel self-conscious or awkward, keep going. Get used to this awkwardness and self-consciousness, and learn where it comes from. If the conversation fails, then it fails. Don't overvalue the transaction so much that it damages your ego if it doesn't work out.

The best way to get better at talking to pretty girls, is to talk to pretty girls. Soon, you'll be so comfortable around them it will show, and in turn make them comfortable as well.
 

homie

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There is an opinion that people go introverted when in early childhood they tryed to share something with parents but are told that it's not important/parents are busy/you need to be quiet etc. repetidively and person learns that his feelings and thoughts are not important enough to share with anyone.
You fix that by learning the opposite generally speaking.
 

Tony197

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There's a difference between being introverted and debilitatingly shy. If you can't act in any area of your life because of paralyzing shyness, you need to work on that one step at a time.

If you're just guarded around people you don't know, nothing wrong with that - 1.) that's smart, and 2.) that's actually attractive to many. How many heroes in movies are the strong, silent type? Exactly. So just own your introversion. Don't talk much, but make sure what you do say is interesting, insightful or funny.

My suggestion - be cool and confident around new people, hot chick or not. Don't try to say the "right" thing. Just ask questions. If she's interested, she'll let you know. You'll become more comfortable, and your funny side will start to show. If she's not interested, don't be crushed. Be grateful you don't have to waste anymore of your precious time.
 
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Serenity

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You push yourself too hard trying to say the right things with a crippling fear of failure. The irony of it is that this is worse than saying whatever and greatly increases the chance of your fear becoming true, to fail.

Think of this the next time you find yourself at a loss of words. It's not failure you should fear, you should fear the fear itself.

I struggled with this for a long time, thought I was introverted. That was incorrect, introversion is to not want to talk. This is wanting to talk, but not doing so out of fear of failure. I turned out to be pretty extroverted when I finally chose to ignore and override my fear, even if I still physically felt it. I figured I'd rather risk making a fool of myself by trying than to guarantee failure by doing nothing.

So go out there, open your mouth and talk. No excuses and no comfortable delusion of being introverted thinking you're stuck like that, because you're simply not.
 

marmel75

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Get a job that forces you not to be...I was in retail/sales for a long time. Most people think I'm extroverted when they meet me...no, I just learned how to be extroverted in situations when I need to be. It takes a lot of energy out of me tho and I need to recharge with down time by myself.

If you don't want to be introverted, it really is that simple...force yourself not to be.
 

zekko

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A few more little tips that might help. Find someone who is able to make quick, easy connections with people, and watch what they do. Usually people who are well liked have a way of making people feel comfortable and well liked, like a friend, from early on in the interaction. Eye contact is part of this, but just a part.

Another thing is I like the old book "How to win friends and influence people". I can't say I ever used it as a step by step guide, but I think the information in it is good.

There is an opinion that people go introverted when in early childhood they tryed to share something with parents but are told that it's not important/parents are busy/you need to be quiet etc. repetidively and person learns that his feelings and thoughts are not important enough to share with anyone.
I can't complain about my parents, they treated me well. But they were older when they had me, and they were slowing down. They didn't socialize as much, and weren't as active, and that inadvertently affected me, I think. There weren't many kids my age in the family or the neighborhood. So when I started going to school it was a bit traumatic for me. It took me well into my 20s before I felt like I really recovered. I found friends, but I was usually one to have a few good friends rather than hang with the crowd. I made myself hang out with crowds later, to get used to it.
 
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