Be realistic about NEXTing

[DeepBlue]

NOTE: Although I am taking a break from the DJ forum right now, I decided to post this last clarification here, because the advice I posted in this thread has been so misunderstood.

The advice I wrote below (to "be realistic about NEXTing") is NOT meant for beginners, also affectionately known as AFC's.

As Giovanni commented to me later in the thread, many of the guys in this forum don't NEXT women ENOUGH and they desperately cling to the first chick who gives the guy a smile.

From looking at the responses I got, I can see that he is right. It is obvious that many guys here are still at the stage of trying to break free of their AFCish tendencies. For you guys, the advice I wrote in this thread below is indeed the exact opposite of what you need.

You need to learn to NEXT a chick, to not be clinging to her, to not be needy for her approval, and to not put up with disrespect out of some desperate hope that she'll become nice to you.

The basic idea of NEXTing, is to develop the attitude that you have other OPTIONS. It means learning to EXERCISE those other options by going "NEXT" instead of becoming needy for a particular girl's approval.

The advice I wrote below about NEXTing might seem to contradict the importance of the NEXT principle. It does not. It is intended for those guys who have long ago broken free of their AFC tendencies...and who have gone a little too far in the other direction.

However, it is true that you shouldn't even be *thinking about* that other direction if you are a beginner or if like some of the guys who responded--Tdog and others--your main focus is still on countering AFCish tendencies.

That is how we learn--at first you are going too far one way, so you focus on going in the other drection. Eventually you overcompensate and go a little too far in the other direction.

That is the point where my advice will make sense, by helping you to achieve a healthy balance. Too bad there isn't an advanced section, and a beginners section in this forum. The fact that newbies are automatically given the title of "Master Don Juan" if they have the time and inclination to post a large number of comments, adds to the confusion.

The only instance where the advice I give below is applicable to beginners is for those beginners who are completely *misusing* the NEXT concept--some guys turn it into a macho sounding excuse for throwing in the towel whenever they are trying to meet a chick, and she isn't making it super easy. If you think that is NEXTing, you need to improve your approaching skills.

Lastly, learn the difference between a NEXT and a TAKEAWAY. If you have the slightest shred of hope that the chick you NEXT might turn around and show interest in you, that is not a NEXT. It is a Takeaway, which you do to give her some space and give her a chance to want you. NEXTing involves a completely different frame of mind--one where you have truly let go of being interested in that girl.

If you read the post below about being more "realistic about NEXTing" be sure to read the second post I wrote farther down in the thread, where I clarified the four specific situations where my advice applies.
Till next time,
DeepBlue

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BE REALISTIC ABOUT NEXTING
In pursuing women, it's good to remember that there are many fish in the sea, and if one rejects you or turns out to not be your type, then you can always go NEXT! and move on.

But, it is also possible to take the idea of NEXT-ing chicks too far.

Unless you are a world famous rock star, the notion of "NEXTing" any and every chick the instant she makes the slightest wrong move is a childish fantasy. Some guys profess that attitude, but it amounts to nothing more than macho posturing--a way to feel as though he had a thousand gorgeous chicks lined up, all waiting to kiss his feet.

Realistically speaking, DJ's need skill not only for attracting and arousing women, but also relationship skills for *being* with women. It is good to be able to creatively work through conflicts and other relationship issues with more finesse than simply packing up your marbles and running to the next chick.

DeepBlue

[This message has been edited by DeepBlue (edited 03-29-2002).]

[This message has been edited by DeepBlue (edited 03-29-2002).]

 

[Sg]

Yes but if shes not respecting you then why should we stay and kiss her ass until she does.

 

[chicago#1]

[This message has been edited by chicago#1 (edited 04-30-2002).]

 

[Sir_Chancealot]

You NEXT! a chick not out of some misplaced machismo. You NEXT! her because SHE DESERVES IT! 'nuff said.

 

[cyclonus]

LOL. Thanks for pointing that out Deepblue, great insights

For above guys:

Deepblue does not mean take **** from chicks. He means that nexting should not be done if the marginal benefit still exceeds marginal cost lol. For those interested in "being" with girl, thou shalt not expect perfection (nexting over her farting habits). Comprende? Good.

 

[trickynick]

Deep Blue,

I have liked your posts, but you're thinking like a prize AFC here. I am the PRIZE and I'll next a girl for any goddamn reason I feel like. The best thing about women is that there are plenty of them. If she has some annoying, or bothersome idiosyncrasy that I noticed when I first meet her, what is the chance that that's ever going to change?

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You either own the game or it owns you!

 

[cyclonus]

Nick, i think he means when you are already in an serious relationship and since you don't have much experience in LTR's or have no desire to, then you aren't qualified to comment b/c your knowledge of how to keep a girl is based mostly on theory only.

Don't look at me as some AFC either. I like you am having fun getting laid on tap at this point of my life, but I am not jaded and bitter enough to declare love, relationships, and emotional bonds with a woman i fvck "AFC" or "niceguyish" or "pointless". I know there are women who are different from insecure bar slvts that will strip in front of your friends.

If there weren't, both you and I wouldn't be here and have mommies. To each his own.

[This message has been edited by cyclonus (edited 03-25-2002).]

 

[Drew]

It's not AFC. An AFC is FRUSTRATED. The MAN in a meaningful LTR is not.

 

[trickynick]

OK, guys. This LTR thing went over my head here, it wasn't made clear to me that that's what he was talking about. I withdrawal my accusations of all of you being AFC's.

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You either own the game or it owns you!

[This message has been edited by trickynick (edited 03-25-2002).]

 

[WildThang]

Originally posted by DeepBlue:
In pursuing women, it's good to remember that there are many fish in the sea, and if one rejects you or turns out to not be your type, then you can always go NEXT! and move on.

Yes...

But, it is also possible to take the idea of NEXT-ing chicks too far.

Some guys get so carried away with the nexting idea they use it sadistically. If they've been dumped and disrespected a lot, once they find their power they decide to dish it out. This is not good, although if a guy has been through the wringer I'm thinking it's likely inevitable till he gets some balance again.

All chicks do something screwy sooner or later and if a chick is generally high interest and a lot of fun then there's no problem with cutting her a little slack *providing you call her on the screwiness* and don't just let her get away with it.

The object of nexting isn't to play 'Ha! I've got you now, bytch!' but to make life *as fun for you is possible.* If slack is required to do that, then slack it is. If nexting is required, then nexting it is.

The choice you always have to make is 'Which will be more fun for me?'

AFCs always look back and think 'Well there were all these bad things, but we had a good day back five months ago and that was great, so I'd better hold onto her in case we have another.'

DJs are always thinking 'What's happening now? Happy, or not? Regularly happy? Good. Regularly unhappy? Bad -> next.'

Unless you are a world famous rock star, the notion of "NEXTing" any and every chick the instant she makes the slightest wrong move is a childish fantasy. Some guys profess that attitude, but it amounts to nothing more than macho posturing--a way to feel as though he had a thousand gorgeous chicks lined up, all waiting to kiss his feet.

You're forgetting that for master DJs PUs are *easy* and *frequent.* The more you sift through, the higher the quality gets. And no chick is *that* special.

This is a total 180 from the AFC mindset which believes that quality is rare and unavailable and so any chick has to be held onto at any cost, no matter what the flaws and shortcomings.

So it's not a macho fantasy at all. A DJ knows that PUs are easy, there are plenty of chicks out there, so why sweat it with one if she does something seriously out of line?

Realistically speaking, DJ's need skill not only for attracting and arousing women, but also relationship skills for *being* with women. It is good to be able to creatively work through conflicts and other relationship issues with more finesse than simply packing up your marbles and running to the next chick.

Why? What's so magical about doing this?

The difference between DJ LTRs and AFC LTRs is that AFCs believe LTRs are work. There's some kind of Calvinist ethic about work being good for the soul. And that's where that 'working on issues' idea comes from.

A DJ LTR is about *fun* and *satisfaction*. A DJ stays with a chick not because he has no other choices, but because she is the most fun, and the most satisfying, of all the choices that are available to him.

That kind of LTR requires a lot less 'work' than the first sort. If you get into it you're likely on the same page about a lot of things anyway, so right from the start the amount of 'work' you need to do is much less.

This is unthinkable for AFCs, who don't get that this is even possible.

It's the difference between clinging to a leaky life raft and learning to become a strong swimmer in an ocean full of interesting islands to visit.

 

[Bonhomme]

Yeah, people can take NEXTing way too far.

Some gals will next a guy for not opening the car door for them. We have our equivalents too. It's just silly to NEXT someone over a triviality when the big picture looks good.

Disrespect is a whole different matter entirely. If you can't set 'em right, then it's NEXT time!

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Thou shalt not be led around by thy c0ck.

 

[DeepBlue]

Oh NOOO!!! Some of you disagreed! Well, I'm not even going to bother to try to see your point of view or get you to understand mine! Shoot, I'm just going to move on to another forum! There's a LOTTA fori out there for me to choose from ya know! I don't have ta take this kinda disrespect! NEXT!

 

[cyclonus]

 

[Amlothi]

Hey man if you want to leave us go ahead. You're lucky our forum hasn't NEXT'd you ourselves yet

Then you ought not come begging back for more punishment.

I don't look at it as NEXTing based on a slightly wrong move. I do it based on where I can best place my time. Often times I think it's beneficial to "temporarily NEXT" a chick who isn't highly interested in favor of other prospects that are more likely to come about in the present time. Then, if you are having a slow week, you can call the one you "temp NEXTd" and see where you can get.

It's back to my investment strategy. Why put in a lot of effort into something that isn't working? As you said, you have to balance the good things you might get + the probability of getting them with the time involved to find out.

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"There are no such things as mixed signals when it comes to women, there is reality and what the guy wants to be reality." - Don Phenom

 

[Nevermore]

I haven't seen any posts about guys who were sad about taking the next thing too far. The post would look something like "I was dating a great girl, but she showed up five minutes late because there was a 20 car pileup on the highway, and I said NEXT".

Get real, most guys don't take Next far enough, and then they end up in LFBF land.

 

[DeepBlue]

Hopefully Amlothi will figure out that I was joking and making fun of the idea of NEXTing people at the drop of a hat.

First off, the disagreements I see are all based on various misinterpretations of what I meant. Thanks to Cyclonus for clarifying exactly what I did mean.

Let me add a few clarifications that I didn't realize would be so necessary:

First of all, I am not saying you should put up with a chick disrespecting you or being a b*tch or anything like that.

I am saying (or should have said) a number of things:

1. If you have any interest at all in an LTR with a woman you like, rather than living on an endless diet of one night stands with women who aren't interesting enough to be with more than once, then don't Next a woman whom you really like over some stupid triviality. As Cyclonus said, don't expect perfection.

Yes, it's true, as TrickyNick said, that you can Next a chick for any damn reason you please, but if you Next a chick that you really like over some minor thing, then you are letting yourself be led along in life by some very unrealistic expectations.

There's a great quote that goes..."I spent my whole life searching for the perfect woman, but when I finally found her, alas she was searching for the perfect man." (Don't know who it's from.)


2. Should you put up with a woman disrespecting you? Of course not. I'm not saying you should be a doormat.

As Bonhomme said regarding disrespect, "if you can't set 'em right, then it's NEXT time."

But notice how he said IF you can't SET 'EM RIGHT.

That skill--"setting 'em right" is a very valuable skill to have. It is well worth developing.

A lot of you seem have this all-or-nothing view, like you either have to be a doormat "putting up with" sh*t, or else NEXT the chick. In his reply, Chicago#1 seemed to assume the only alternative to NEXTing the chick is to "ignore" the problem and suffer in silence.

I'm trying to point out that those are not your only options.

If a woman gives you sh*t or disrespects you, it's a great opportunity to learn the art of telling her off! Learn to confront women (all people actually) about things they do that you don't like. If the only option you ever exercise is to run off looking for another chick, then you are keeping yourself from developing an important skill.


3. I was also addressing the fact that some guys, particularly newbies, use the NEXT concept as a macho sounding excuse to run away from every challenging DJ scenario. I've seen this in some people's advice where someone asks for help in troubleshooting a pickup scenario, hoping to learn what they could have done better, and the extent of the pickup advice is NEXT.

Let's say you approach a chick somewhere to pick her up, and she isn't immediately receptive. So what are you going to do? Hopefully you will maintain your confidence, realizing that it is common for women to TEST your confidence when you approach them, and you can proceed to give it your best shot.

But if you can't handle the fact that she is a challenge, well then you can always say NEXT, and hope the next chick you approach will roll out a red carpet for you.

That is the situation I was referring to in my initial post, when I said that type of NEXTing is based on the fantasy that the guy has "a thousand gorgeous chicks lined up waiting to kiss his feet." What I meant is that it's the fantasy of zero effort. And for THAT type of person, it IS a fantasy, because his hypersensitive NEXTing ensures that he'll never get anywhere.


4. Besides learning to confront chicks about their undesirable behavior, it is also valuable to learn to confront yourself about your own flaws. THAT is why relationships take work. Not because you are having to "put up with" **** in the other person, or "work through issues" due to the Calvinist Work Ethic that Wild Thang mentioned.

Relationships take work, because a relationship means you are spending time being intimately close to someone who gets to know you really, really well. Inevitably you become like mirrors for each other, and in those mirrors you may each begin to see parts of yourselves that you don't like.

You can either embrace that as a great opportunity to grow and develop as a person, or you can avoid the challenge of developing as a person by simply saying NEXT.

DeepBlue

 

[new_juan]

I use a three warning system. If the chick doen't stop direspecting me after the third warning NEXT!. However I make it clear for each warning that I won't tolerate disrespectful nature. There are no good excuses for letting anybody disrespect you.

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"The Edge... There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. The others --- the living --- are those who pushed their control as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back, or slowed down, or did whatever they had to when it came time to choose between Now and Later." Hunter S. Thompson

 

[cyclonus]

Nice post Deepblue. Are you a former ASFer?

 

[Amlothi]

Originally posted by DeepBlue:
Hopefully Amlothi will figure out that I was joking and making fun of the idea of NEXTing people at the drop of a hat.

I was playing along

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"There are no such things as mixed signals when it comes to women, there is reality and what the guy wants to be reality." - Don Phenom

 

[DeepBlue]

Cyclonus wrote:
Nice post Deepblue. Are you a former ASFer?


Yes, for better or worse, google has about 780 of my ASF posts archived for all eternity. Why do you ask?

DeepBlue

[This message has been edited by DeepBlue (edited 03-26-2002).]