Atom Smasher's 30 Days to Self-Respect, Power & Attraction

[Atom Smasher]

Day 1 - Ask a better question

Remember, the principles and exercises that we work on are going to be simple in and of themselves. Often these principles are so simple that we gloss over them and never give them the amount of thought necessary to be abe to integrate them into our lives. We're changing that now by devoting one day to each principle.

Principle 1:

The question, "WHY?" = paralysis.

Very often, when we are frustrated about life and about habits we can't seem to change, at the core of that frustration is the question, "Why?".

"Why can't I get this right?"

"Why am I always doing such-and-such?"

"Why am I no good with women?"

"Why can't I find a decent job?"

And on and on it goes. The problem is that asking the question "Why" can ONLY cause your subconscious mind to answer it in order to validate the question.

For example, if you asking yourself (out of frustration) "Why can't I get a decent job?", You are conveying an ABSOLUTE ASSUMPTION to your subconscious that you in fact cannot get a decent job.

You are essentially telling yourself with absolute certainty that you can't get that job, and you're asking your subconscious to tell you why that certainty exists.

We've got to get a way from that thought habit (and that's all this is, simply a habit).

Today, think of 3 to 5 aspects of life that are frustrating you. It can be anything from attraction, to laziness, bad habits, depression. Anything at all. Write them down.

Write it in the form of "Why am I so lazy?" "Why do I always mess up _____?"

Once you write them down, cross them out and REFRAME the question with

"HOW?"​

How can I start to become less lazy? How can I begin to avoid messing up ______?

From now on, we're going to get into the habit of reframing every single question we ask ourselves by replacing "Why?" with "how?".

I just this morning made a sign on an 8.5 X 11 card and hung it right in the doorway of my bedroom at head height so I have to push it out of the way to get through.

It says:

STOP​

What Kind of Questions are You Going to Ask Today?

"How Can I...?"​

To summarize, asking "Why?" does nothing but reinforce the status quo. Asking that question is nothing but a habit. We need to break that habit now. Every time you find your self ruminating on why you can't do this or that, or why circumstances are the way they are, REFRAME the question to "How?".

How can I improve the situation? How can I just start to make things better? What is one step I can take to get on the right track?

Remember, we are always, ALWAYS just one decision away from getting ourselves on the right track.

Your mission:
Write down 3 to 5 things that are bringing you down and that make you feel relatively powerless. Cross them out and reframe the question to "HOW can I...?"

Make this a daily habit. Reframe every question and you will see massive change in your outlook on life. You will discover your own POWER in places where you thought you were weak and at the mercy of fate. Not so. REFRAME and become a capable warrior.

The question, "WHY?" = paralysis.

The question, "HOW?" = POWER.​

I'll catch you tomorrow for Day 2.

 

[MartyMcFly]

I'm down

 

[Alle_Gory]

The question, "WHY?" = paralysis.

Yes, if you overdo it. Isn't it important to ask "why" and understand the source of the problem first? You can't fix something until you find out what's broken.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Yes, if you overdo it. Isn't it important to ask "why" and understand the source of the problem first? You can't fix something until you find out what's broken.

Yes, that's a good point. Of course there is a place for introspection to try to determine the root causes of our behavior.

I'm referring more to issues that we are frustrated with and haven't found the answers for. The things that we beat ourselves up over specifically because we haven't found the "why". In those cases we need to transcend the "why" and get all our focus and attention on the "how".

There are times when asking "why" yields answers, but many other times when the "why" is unanswerable, perhaps because the habit or emotion was created in our formative years before we had any knowledge and points of reference. Therefore it remains nebulous and seemingly unreachable. That's when we need to shift gears and get practical, forgetting about analyzing the root causes and getting on with taking action and not letting the "why" create an acceptance or paralysis within us.

 

[Shivastorm_88]

Very strong first post, we can see the age factor (no offense) in your reasoning and logic, the kind of wisdom that comes with decades of experience (again, no offense )

There is a quote that I really like that refers in part to your post:

"The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse." — Carlos Castaneda

Although I enjoyed reading your post, I feel that it is too black or white. Like most things in life, there is a gray area, and the key is just that, finding the right balance. On one side of the scale, you have the paralysis, created by countless hours of meditation, reading, theorizing, philosophizing over any amount of trivial aspects of your daily life and personality, asking such question as "why" or "why not". This is the intellectual side. On the other side, you have the power as you call it, or the will to act over what you conceive to be a problem. However, I see this only as short term. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." Acting without questioning is just that, giving yourself the fish, but you are not teaching yourself how to fish. Asking why is the opposite, teaching yourself to fish but never going out to put what you have learned into practice.

To me, the gray area, the correct balance, is to find the aspect in question you want to work on, ask yourself "why am I like that?" and make a short list, and then ask yourself "how can I correct that?" by working on that list.

Truly knowing what the problem is without doing anything to correct the underlying issues is useless. Working to solve a problem without knowing the underlying issues is like trying to win the lottery, you are hoping to do the right thing. Combine both, you will get much better results.

 

[Re-ac-tor]

In.

Though Shivastorm's 'grey area' logic I have an easier time digesting, which may or may not be the way to head about.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Did you two guys read my post #24?

There I clarified that asking why is useful until no more answers are forthcoming. In such situations, we need to come to a place where we transcend needing to know the "why" of our current state before acting.

I liken it to the concept behind Rational-Emotive Therapy. With classical Freudian therapy, we can examine our navels until the cows come home in a shrink's office, and come to all sorts of realizations without ever translating those "epiphanies" into a changed life. It's fun to talk to our "rent-a-friend" with the diplomas hanging on the wall, but there's a reason he keeps his repeat customers for years and decades.

With Rational Emotive Therapy, reasons for behavior are looked at, evaluated, and acknowledged. But then comes the big question: "So now what"? What am I going to do TODAY to rise above my habits?

There lies the power of transcending the paralysis of "Why", and shifting to "How". It's a recognition of what got us to the point we're at, but then making positive decisions which lead to actions that will start effecting change. It is moving from a position of introspection to a position of taking action.

Glad to have you guys aboard, and I appreciate the input. This is what it's all about.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Lesson 2 - You're a King

Ok, guys, let's build on yesterday and remember to look at the challenges we face and after exhausting the "Why", shift into the "How".

Ask a better question and you'll get a better result. Every time we internally whine, "Why am I this way", we tell our subconscious minds that we are in fact DEFINED by that behavior or problem. Ask a better question. What small step can I perform today that will put me on the path of handling this issue?

Moving on to day two... This link by Disciple is required reading for any man who wants to be in command of his life:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=60870

I think this metaphor makes a lot of sense. I read it every so often and I work to internalize it. The action steps I have taken have been to internally define myself as a benevolent KING in my life, one who respects himself and who respects others. I also demand respect from those within my sphere of influence, as any King should. But I cannot articulate this nearly as well as Disciple, and that's why I provided the link.

The other action I have taken is that I found a great print which I ordered to hang on my living room wall. It's a large print of a playing card, a King, of course, and he's smoking a nice cigar. It's a very manly piece of art and it conveys the attitude of kingship and manliness that I want to exude.

So, dig into Disciple's post and let's hear what you think. Ask yourself, "Am I a KING as I move about my world, or am I a courtier or a peasant?"

Action Step: Find some kind of icon that you can put in your living quarters that will remind you of your Kingship. It might be a small crown, or a lithograph like I have. Every time you look at it you will receive a subtle reminder of who you aspire to be.

Be the KING. It's a decision that you are free to make every day. And when failure occurs (as it must), the great thing is that we can re-up our Kingship every morning. Enjoy your day, my Liege.

 

[ProDJ26]

 

[Shivastorm_88]

This is a very interesting post yet again, and I can strongly relate to it. For very long I have been procrastinating (by very long I mean 3-4 years). I made some small itsy bitsy progress here and there, but it's the kind of progress I should have done in 3-4 months, not years.

Then recently something occurred, I don't even remember what, which changed my outlook on things. I wrote something that relates to your post a little while ago on a personal journal that I hold (and posted it here to share):

Greatness achieved through effort. An interesting quote from a T.V. show that I currently am watching, Prison Break.


Recently, I started doing Moshka Yoga, mostly for physical reasons (want to get in better shape, and it helps my injured shoulder). However, I have noticed that it has helped me achieve a sort of higher inner peace. Nothing phenomenal, but I have noticed some differences in my way of thinking (although I do not think it comes from Yoga alone). After a session of quite intense Moshka, I was in a meditative stance, and while trying to empty my mind, my thoughts wandered to that quote. I might not have managed to empty my mind this time, but I think I got something far better off of it.


What does it mean, greatness achieved through effort? I think it's quite simple. You need to put effort into what you attempt to get any sort of satisfactory results. However, the meaning, on a personal level, is a bit more complex than that to me. To further explain this, I have to start with a quote from Pook: "After childhood, there are TRUE winners and losers in life." (Article Be a Man, p. 122).


In my opinion, if we take this to a black or white level, there is two ways to live life. Either sleep through it or live life. Either be defined by life, or define your own life. Losers are the ones that sleep through life, and they are the ones that are defined by life. This is the easy path to take, but like most easy path, not the most interesting, and by far not the most rewarding. After all, it is much more rewarding to achieve something after having worked on end for it, than simply to receive it freely. The winners are those who live their life to the fullest, and those who define their life.


So, how does one life his life to the fullest, and how does one define his life? In other words, how do you WIN at life? This is actually quite simple, although very hard to do. Simply remember the four key words: "Greatness achieved through effort". Whether your passion is martial arts, your job, climbing, hiking, arts, drawing, or any other hobby, it does not matter. The key to define your life is not which road you take. They key is how you approach the road. Some people have one passion and they will focus all their free time on it. Some people, however, do not have any passion and waste their time on silly things as television, the Internet, alcohol, video games, drugs, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against that (I personally own an X-BOX360, and I am a big fan of beer and scotches). However, these should be treated as augments to one's life, as the icing of the cake, not the cake itself. Besides, life has so much to offer, why waste yours away on petty illusions? Go out, explore, experiment, live and learn.


To bring this to a more personal level, I used to be in the latter category, the loser category. During highschool, I wasted my life on video games. Even through middle school between highschool and university, although I was changing my way of life, I was still wasting countless time on video games, television and the Internet. However, recently this has changed. Something triggered in me, the same thing that made me want to write this blog. I simply understood the concept of the quote. More than the meaning, the concept, and what it implies.


If I want to live an interesting life, if I want to define my own life, become in charge of my own destiny, I have to put effort into it. Nothing worth having can be gained without effort. This really is the key word. "Ever to excel" (Homer, in the Illiad). Whether it is to excel in a sport, or to be the best man I can, this requires effort. In fact, it requires constant effort and constant work. However, the end result makes it worth it.


Here is an interesting comparison, taking a sample day of this week, compared to a sample day of what I would have done a few years ago.


A few years ago

I have nothing to do for school, all my homework has been done already. Got a day off from work, and it's nice and sunny outside. I wake up at roughly 9 am, endless possibilities in front of me: Go roller-blading, go for a stroll, go hiking, go in a park, draw, do a sport, go see friends, etc. However, what do I choose to do? Play video games. All. Day. Long. Sure, I might be entertained, but it's easy entertainment. In the end, however, I will feel empty. I feel like I have accomplished nothing.

Now

I have nothing to do for school, all my homework has been done already. Got a day off from work, and it's nice and sunny outside. I wake up at roughly 9 am, endless possibilities in front of me: Go roller-blading, go for a stroll, go hiking, go in a park, draw, do a sport, go see friends, etc. What do I choose to do? First, I decide to go to do Yoga at 1:30pm. I have about 3 hours to kill, and it's raining outside... What to do? I draw. Yoga is now over, it is 3pm. I could go back home and play video games, after all, I did a hard activity today. No, I'd rather not. Go grab a coffee with a friend with whom I was doing Yoga, and we decide to go ice skating. It is now 8 pm, back home and ate, got once again nothing to do. Video games? No. I'd rather see some friends. Come back home at 11pm, again, video games? Again, no. I'd rather write this post, which for me has therapeutic values.


See the difference? Both are typical days, one for the old me, one for the new me. However, the old me does almost literally nothing but move his fingers. The new me is all around the place and does thing that make his life really interesting, whether it is sports, arts or social interaction.


Life is so promising and has so much to offer, why waste it? Instead, aim to achieve your own personal greatness.


To add to this post: I might seem like a motivational coach, trying to convince you to go out there and try everything the world has to offer... Although this is an interesting venue, it can also mean to do simple things as: Take an extra five minute to take better care of yourself, an extra five minutes of your time to help your friend out, etc. Greatness in itself is more than great acts.

Now, I started a dual goal list, one for a full year, and one on a monthly basis. In less than a month I have progressed far more than I had did in the last 3-4 years, and I feel like I'm only scraping the beginning. I am only taking baby steps, but the progress is still there, and very real. How this relates to your king-post? Simply because by working to achieve my goals (note: To achieve them, I had to ask the question "how", not "why" ), I am working on my own kingdom. I am focusing solely on my own kingdom, and using other people's kingdoms either as motivation (people that I look up too), as ideas (I'm always open to try new things) or as reminder of the bad shape that my kingdom used to be in (to remind me how far I've come from).

This isn't easy, I am not always going forward either. Often, I will backtrack a bit, give in to temptation, go back to my old ways, but I never give up building my kingdom, and I think this is what's important. Like you said, some days you may fail, but in the end, you must never give up. You learn through failure.

If ever any of you are interested, here's my two journals. I have just started (this month), but I will definitely keep updating it as time goes by.

My short-term goal thread (month by month): http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=181443 ... This keeps in mind my long-term objectives (also listed)

My bootcamp thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=180275

 

[Re-ac-tor]

Glad this thread has emerged.

I'm rock bottom, so hopefully this will benefit positively.

Kudos Atom Smasher, and likewise, Shivastorm.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Good stuff, Shivastorm. By coonicidence day 3 is going to build on your points.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Day 3

So far, we are keeping in mind:

1) Don't get stuck in and endless loop of asking yourself "why?". Make a mental shift to asking "How?". The "why" implies that your situation is static and unchangeable. The "how" assumes that there exist concrete steps you can take to change that circumstance.

2) You are a KING, and your sphere of influence is your kingdom. Keep that in mind at all times and consider how you can apply that mindset to every aspect of life.

Now, for Day 3:

Learn to Embrace Imperfection

How often in life do we identify a need to get something handled or start a new project, only to find ourselves waiting and waiting for just the right circumstances to come along before beginning?

"As soon as I get into good shape and lose this gut, I'll start approaching women."

"As soon as I get enough education, I'll start my business."

Funny how that just-right magical moment never seems to really happen. The fact is that rarely do the planets align perfectly in order to give us that snese of security we're looking for in order to step up and step out the way we should as men.

This is a mindset that can keep you paralyzed and prevent you from maximizing your potential.

I have my own small IT company. For years I was reticent to start offering service contracts. I thought I had some really good reasons to delay.

1) I don't know enough about "managed services".
2) I might write a contract that has too many gray areas and lose my shirt.
3) My existing customers won't want to pay for monthly service as they like the illusion of safety that comes about from paying for occasional emergencies.
4) I just don't know where to begin.

This, my friends, is the classic illustration of:
The Paralysis of Analysis.

Over-analyzing and over-planning is one of the most prevalent causes of a man not reaching his full potential. This mind loop is simply a safety net designed to maintain one's comfort level.

Fortune Favors The BOLD.

It's time for us to stop OVER-analyzing everything and start taking IMPERFECT action.

That's right. Your efforts will be IMPERFECT. They will be a learning experience. FORGET about perfection. Throw that concept right out the window. Learn to LOVE imperfection. In all things, do your very best, but EXPECT things to be imperfect.

Turn your life into a grand experiment. Look at Edison, Ford, Carnegie, others. Their lives were great example of success through stepping out and accomplishing in spite of their shortcomings and mistakes. And ALL great men have made tremendous mistakes. Those very mistakes and failures form the very substance of the mountain of success that they later stood on.

So what can we do about the "Paralysis of Analysis"?

Getting back to my service contracts, I stopped asking "WHY can't I get this in gear" and instead asked "HOW can I get this going? WHat is my very first baby step?"

I identified my friendliest, most agreeable customer and drew up a proposal letter outlining all the benefits of monthly maintenance.

It's very important to note here that the outcome did not matter one iota. His saying "yes" or "no" was immaterial. What mattered was that I took the action, that I followed through on what I needed to do. Therein lay my VICTORY.

I sent him the letter, I followed up, and lo and behold he expressed interest. Next I thought of as many possible service scenarios that I could think of so that I could avoid as many gray areas of responsibility as possible, and drew up a contract. I knew full-well that the contract was imperfect and that future contracts would be refined, but it simply didn't matter in this case. The only thing that mattered was my taking action.

I can't tell you how I felt when I sat in his office and he signed my very first service contract. I had defeated the demon of OVER-ANALYSIS and proceeded in spite of how unsure I was about creating thse contracts. I walked out of there knowing that I would be receiving several hundred dollars per month on a steady basis from this customer.

With that vistory under my belt, I was able to approach more customers and write up more contracts, each one more refined as I learned and closed the loopholes.

Are you currently engaged in building your Kingdom? Are you waiting for perfect conditions before starting. Don't do it. Start right now.

Today's assignment is to think of from one to three projects or tasks that you know you have always wanted to start but have put off due to imperfect circumstances. Indentify them and write them down.

Now write down the next three tiny, baby steps you need to take in order to start in spite of the circumstantial imperfections you see. Those imperfections might be imaginary or they might be real, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't fit into the equation.

You've identified the steps. Now PERFORM them. In so doing you will be breaking the stranglehold of paralyzing over-analysis and rising to a new level of effectiveness.

EMBRACE imperfection. Learn to LOVE it. Imperfection is a fact of life. It is the very substance of the ladder that we can climb to victory.

Remember that Fate and Fortune favor the BOLD. It is fine to plan and to analyze, but never, ever allow potential or real roadblocks that you see in the distance stop you from starting out on the road. You'll deal with each one as you approach it. You will deal with them imperfectly sometimes, and perfectly other times. You will get some bruises and you will need to make some course corrections along the way. But start.

Concentrate on the process, not the outcome. The victory truly lies in getting yourself on the right path and forging ahead despite the unknowns.

Now shut off this stupid computer and write down your next steps and execute. Never let the paralysis of analysis stop you from taking and possessing what is rightfully yours. Be bold. Be imperfect. Win.

 

[Shivastorm_88]

Strangely, we think a lot alike. Again, a very interesting post, and this time I can only agree with it. Life is all about experimenting. Life is about trying. It's about failing, falling, getting back up and trying again. Hell, life is one big experiment. Who are we to say how it should be lived, what is the right or wrong thing to do?

Failure is not something to be dreaded, it should be viewed as nothing more than a learning experiment, as an occasion to grow and become a better person.

For ever so long I wanted to start the bootcamp, but always had the "perfect excuse" not too. Recently, I changed my outlook on things. I realized, like you said, that I shouldn't wait for the perfect occasion, I should instead create the perfect occasion.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Day 4 - Improve Your Station in Life

Ok, Kings of SoSuave, today's a new day and it's full of opportunity.

I have noticed in my life that I have let a lot of things slip by and have developed some bad habits over the years. As a result, there are some areas of my life that need some serious work, while there are others that I'm handling well.

A couple years ago a phrase popped into my head that resonates with me, although I am fully aware that this probably won't resonate with most. The phrase is "Improve Your Station in Life", and for me along with that phrase is the implied understanding that I can improve my station by taking small, incremental steps each day. For decades, tackling my weaknesses with a head-on assault has always resulted in initial success followed by a crash & burn because of the cognitive dissonance generated by taking action that was so massively beyond my comfort zone. The internal thermostat is set to "comfort" and that's why so often we start off great but then revert back to old ways.

I created a daily task sheet in Microsoft Publisher with different ruled sections. The main section is "Things to Do". To the right of that is a column titled "Phone Calls". Underneath that is "Shopping List".

Underneath "Things to Do" is a very important section called "Today's Actions" I broke my life down into 7 important categories and put each of those categories down in this section, along with a place to write daily what little step I took that day in order to "Improve my Station" in life. LOL, that phrase even seems old-fashioned to ME, but somehow it resonates, so I use it.

Here are my life categories:

1) Spiritual

2) Health

3) Business

4) Personal FInance

5) Relationships

6) Environment

7) Music

Spiritual
I think it's important for a man to develop his spirituality. 'Nuff said.

Health
Each day I try to make one positive new action toward improving my health.

Business
What did I do today to increase business or streamline my operation?

Personal Finance
What did I do today to improve my handling of money? Start new accounts, work on Spending Plan (budget), work on investments, whatever. You get the idea.

Relationships
Every day I try to nurture and build my relationships. Who did I call today just to say hello?

Environment
A big one for me. Your environment (the condition of your home) says a lot about you. Often we men are comfortable with clutter and being overly casual. Look around your living environment and try to see it through a visitor's eyes. What does it say about you? I set my timer almost every day to give me time to de-clutter and work on permanent storage solutions. Also letting go and throwing out is a big part of it. So in this section I write down what I did that day to improve my environment. THis is a critically important subject because your outer environment truly is an accurate reflection of the inner man.

Music
I'm a guitarist and I think it is very important to put time aside every day to develop my craft.

I recommend that you make your own list of major life categories that YOU want to master, make yourself a form on paper that you can fill in every day, and get to work. Just make sure you are taking small steps and not overwhelming yourself. Tiny actions repeated every day can reach the necessary critical mass in a short amount of time that will really change your life on a fundamental level. I also suggest finding a phrase that you can repeat to yourself every day that will remind you that you are slowly but deliberately designing a new life. All these little victories you experience each day can make for a much more fulfilling life.

Get out there, men, and move with intent. Don't let life just happen to you. You have been given all the tools and knowledge necessary to design your own life.

 

[runner83]

Daily vs Longer Term Planning...?

This is very good stuff, keep it up.

I have tried the daily task thing before.

Maybe because I have to be very organised at work, I tend to after a while view it as a constraint on my life outside work, and go "to hell with it", ditch it and just go with the flow.

Then because you don't any thing written down, you slip back into bad habits after a few months unless you are very careful.

But when I broke my arm recently, I did resurrect something like this, a list of 6 - 8 things in various areas I wanted to achieve on a daily basis to keep me motivated.

---

Also, it is all very well to have daily action lists, but what about a longer term list of goals for overall guidance?

I can see your point about small incremental improvements on a daily basis, but if you haven't worked out what you want to do in the longer term, doesn't that mean that your daily tasks may have no compass and they will get you somewhere, just may not where you want to go?

Something I have done in the past is to have a list of things I want to accomplish in the medium - longer term, a single page.

Unfortunately, some things are very hard to properly define long term goals for (while others are easy), so I would be interested in your perspective on this.

My experience, oftentimes the things you need to do the most work on are the hardest to define goals for, so they tend to get passed over, therefore defeating the whole point of long term planning.

Thoughts on this?

 

[sesshoDevrim]

I sat down yesterday (2-13-11) and made a list of what I wanted to improve about myself even made a flexible 24 week timeline and yes the items were numerous to say the least LOL. But I'm ready...enough lurking and more DOING!!

Yes, I'm with you on this one. I've been reading forum thread after forum thread looking for so many ways to improve myself. Atom Smasher has some damn good advice. This may be my 1st post but it won't be my last. Time to take some action.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Sorry, guys, trying to bring up a domain that crashed for a company that can't make payrol till I fix them.

I'll probably have to skip today. For those who are participating please review what we've covered so far. I'll pick it up again on Saturday.

 

[UKDJ]

Im definatley in, im at a point in my life where nothing makes sense so I think learning by reading and then doing this 30 day plan will help a lot.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Welcome aboard, UKDJ. I'm laying down a lot of tips, techniques and paradigms that have helped me climb out of my life of confusion, and I'm sure some of this will be helpful to you and others.

Again, guys, my apologies. I just got home from an exhausting job and it's 1:30 a.m.

We continue on Saturday.