argggg...just did something major AFC...

[harrison9876]

Well...

I was frustrated...average...and felt like a chump...so I guess it fits.

A girl I really liked came back into my life, after we parted ways quite a few years ago (parted ways as I really liked her...she did not like me).

I have a really sh*tty instinct when it comes to girls I like.

The past few weeks, she was flirty with me over email...and in my "head"...I kept asking myself, "why is this girl contacting me, being a flirty friend...when she knows I like her?"

When I met up with her a couple of weeks ago, aaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll the flirtiness was gone...and she was was back to complete plutonic friend.

Then she was back to flirting over email...

Being COMPLETELY AFC...I got confused by what she said versus her actions. I called her on it...which was probably not the best thing to do, as I not only completely embarrassed myself, but not feel like MORE of a chump than I did earlier.

In a text....I basically told her that I felt she was being inconsistent and sending mixed messages...did not understand why she wanted to reconnect with after 4 years. Told her to lose my number.

Her reply was, "Is this a joke?".

30 minutes later...she sends me another text message.

"Well...I guess it was not a joke, as I see you have removed me as a friend from Facebook. I am a really friendly person. I was just being friendly, and you mistook that. Good luck!"

When I went to remove her from Facebook...she had not already done so herself...but she also BLOCKED me.

My ego...being as big as it is now REGRETS all that...and I feel sh*tty as hell...and feel like I am...and was the problem all along.

I dunno...Maybe I was.

I actually should have kept my mouth shut.

 

[Serenity]

I'm going to make an educated guess here. You're inexperienced and can't really differentiate flirting and being friendly. Text based communication lacks a LOT of information so a sentence can be interpreted several ways. Because you like her your brain chose to interpret it the way you wished it to be.

Make it a general rule to not put much weight on text based communication, what matters is how a woman is while you're physically with her. Don't let mixed signals confuse you, filter out all the stuff they say and focus on what they do. Actions speak louder than words. Control your fantasy, be sceptical about the conclusions you draw from texts and e-mails etc. Let a woman's actions define whether she seems interested or not.

plutonic friend

Do you have many friends from Pluto? Sorry, but that typo was hilarious.

 

[usernamedox11]

Dude, she's just an attention wh0re

 

[harrison9876]

hahaha...

yup...lots of friends from Pluto...

I used to be on my game loooooooooooooooooooooong ago. But lost my mojo somewhere along the way. Been a rough ride the past few years. Feel like I am back to square one with girls. which is a crappy feeling.

 

[ubercat]

Rough rides make the rider. Stick to the principles here and remember these two things and you'll soon be back.

Location location always fish in a barrel find Target rich environments to hunt in. Everything is relative being a girl's best option on the night is the easiest way. Avoid places with too much competition.

It's a numbers game. That's why I recommend online dating for practice not for finding your unicorn. You can easily get your numbers up using OLD and it's full of attention *****s so dealing with them will just become reflex.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Dude, she's just an attention wh0re

/thread

 

[Serenity]

hahaha...

yup...lots of friends from Pluto...

I used to be on my game loooooooooooooooooooooong ago. But lost my mojo somewhere along the way. Been a rough ride the past few years. Feel like I am back to square one with girls. which is a crappy feeling.

Well, makes it easier that your game was good at some point. Means you don't have to learn it from the bottom up, it's still in there you know. All you have to do is forgive yourself the more recent fvck ups and forget it. Then remember your best game, dust off that mindset and bring it to the forefront of your awareness. Like if your computer got corrupted, but you found a good backup to restore the system to top functionality again.

You don't have to forget what worked, you don't have to start from square one. You just need to forget how you operated through the past few rough years, forget that crappy feeling and remember how it was in the good days.

My personal life from the age of 14 to 23 is still just a messy blur, it was bad times. That's almost 10 fvcking years, at the end of it I was far down there with low self-esteem and minimal confidence. A complete AFC who could barely even look directly at a woman, much less speak to one. This wasn't always so, before this was some glorious days. Lots of confidence, hanging out with tons of girls and no filter whatsoever on my opinions, I was fearless. So in my darkest days when hope seemed so far away, those good old days came to mind as a bright light in the middle of all the sh!t. Looking back and wanting so badly to revive that part of me eventually consumed my pessimism, my fears and my bad feelings. I do still remember the bad days, but it feels so distant in my mind, so insignificant.
I'm 25 now, but I've done so much great stuff the past 2-3 years that it feels like it's been a lot longer since things were bad.

So yeah, bring back the version of yourself that worked good.

 

[harrison9876]

Very very true.

In this specific situation with my friend from Pluto...I have two voices in my head.

I have known her for 8 years or so. One voice is saying, 'dude...You should have kept your mouth shut...Been friends...Moved on...Kept the friendship as is...What a joke you are'
. She is also a screenwriter here in LA...And has hired me previously...So the business side is gone...Along with the friendship side.

I don't have a lot of friends right now...So that voice is regretting the situation - like me completely embarrassing myself terminated all entire 8 year history.

Other voice - 'dude...Apart from her talking to you when she was bored...she was an on again...off again friend. Were you ever really friends to begin with? If she ever "cared" at all...She would have responded differently. What a joke she is. '

Not having a lot of friends and being hard on myself in general, the voice that places blame on myself is the one that tends to be the loudest - voice #1.

When I moved to LA a while back...I had groupies in school. Guys would be coming up to me asking, dude...How do you do it? I wasnt "doing" anything. I was simply talking to every girl I knew...Flirted with all...Which drew women to me. i eventually hooked up and had an LTR with the HOTTEST girl in school at that time...Who subsequently ruined my life for years...And brought me down to the empty, friendless, confused AFC I am now...

And that sucks.

 

[Serenity]

Very very true.

In this specific situation with my friend from Pluto...I have two voices in my head.

I have known her for 8 years or so. One voice is saying, 'dude...You should have kept your mouth shut...Been friends...Moved on...Kept the friendship as is...What a joke you are'
. She is also a screenwriter here in LA...And has hired me previously...So the business side is gone...Along with the friendship side.

I don't have a lot of friends right now...So that voice is regretting the situation - like me completely embarrassing myself terminated all entire 8 year history.

Other voice - 'dude...Apart from her talking to you when she was bored...she was an on again...off again friend. Were you ever really friends to begin with? If she ever "cared" at all...She would have responded differently. What a joke she is. '

Not having a lot of friends and being hard on myself in general, the voice that places blame on myself is the one that tends to be the loudest - voice #1.

When I moved to LA a while back...I had groupies in school. Guys would be coming up to me asking, dude...How do you do it? I wasnt "doing" anything. I was simply talking to every girl I knew...Flirted with all...Which drew women to me. i eventually hooked up and had an LTR with the HOTTEST girl in school at that time...Who subsequently ruined my life for years...And brought me down to the empty, friendless, confused AFC I am now...

And that sucks.

You picked the wrong voice to listen to. This sh!t has already happen, shaming yourself further for a few bad decisions is only going to fvck you up more. Sometimes making your feelings clear is a risk that sometimes ruin a friendship, think about the alternative option here. Would you keep your feelings for her to yourself and continue being her friend? Do really regret getting out of the friendzone? I know I would rather fvck up a friendship than torture myself with seeing a woman I can't get. At least you took the risk, you should be happy you did regardless of the outcome. It leads to a conclusion for your feelings instead of a limbo of uncertainty.

Voice 2 speaks the truth, that's the one you should be listening to. Right now you are just causing further problems by feeling sorry for yourself, forget this one b!tch and move on. Forget the b!tch that ruined your life for years, even though you're partly responsible for not getting the fvck out of the situation earlier.

There's lots and lots of women out there, Don't be so weak that a couple of bad ones can fvck your life up. That's ridiculous. Go back to talking to lots of girls, flirting and all that stuff. Don't rush to find a new LTR, get more than one option and do not go for anyone before you are truly confident it's a good choice.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get the fvck out there and do something about your problems. Or the next thing you'll regret and feel sorry about is how you wasted years feeling sorry for yourself.

 

[harrison9876]

You picked the wrong voice to listen to...Voice 2 speaks the truth, that's the one you should be listening to. Right now you are just causing further problems by feeling sorry for yourself, forget this one b!tch and move on. Forget the b!tch that ruined your life for years, even though you're partly responsible for not getting the fvck out of the situation earlier...Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get the fvck out there and do something about your problems. Or the next thing you'll regret and feel sorry about is how you wasted years feeling sorry for yourself.

Very, very true...

 

[AlexKaiser]

She came to you to get external validation.

We need more context on what you guys did when you finally met up. Maybe you dropped her interest level when she met you IRL. I know girls tend to get really thirsty over text/email, and the thirst fades quickly when you meet IRL.

We can analyze everything you did all we want, but the truth is that she's nexted you, and you have to next back. Use this as a learning experience, note the flags and gravestones along the way.

That way when you meet the next girl (there's going to be hundreds) you can remember what not to do.

 

[Roober]

Should have setup a date then tried to sex her... that would give you everything you need to know...

 

[SteR]

Don't beat yourself up about it - even the super experienced still screw up from time to time.

 

[harrison9876]

Thanks guys,

One thing though...

I have noticed that situations like this bring up my BIG psychological problems...which is probably what bothers me the most...and why I am so hard on ME.

When I was in Jr. High and High school...I had MAJOR falling outs with people who I considered friends (friends who were treating me badly). I was blamed for everything. Everything was MY fault.

I wrote off everyone...and realized that I really did not have "friends"...in the way that most people do. I then lead a very lonely life of isolation...

For the short time in my life when my game was ON, and had women drawn to me...I felt AMAZING. I felt real connections...whether or not I was hooking up with them made no difference. In-fact 95% of my friends were women.

When a girl (HB9 Runway Model / Alcoholic) ended up ruing my life for years...I shut down. She was such a mental mindfvck, that I reverted BACK to what I felt like in school...lonely, isolated, friendless. All those other friends/women I had around me then left my life very quickly.

I felt like "I" was the problem...and it was ME who was not worthy - of even having friends.

So whenever I get in THESE types of situations...I am hard on "me".

Not getting this girl that I mention above is not what goes through my head. What goes through my head is, "dude...she wanted to reconnect to YOU...for whatever reason...why could you not just LET IT BE what it is? At least then...you would still have her as a friend. Hell...she could have had hot girl friends you could have met...being a writer, we could have helped each other with out careers...there could have been MORE potential than my own sexual ego gratification."

So it brings me BACK to Jr. High and High School. "My fault again. I fvcked up. Lost another friend. I am a loser...just like I was back then.".

And it plain SUCKS to feel that way.

Having her BLOCK me from FB (which has NEVER happened to me before - unfriend, yes...but never a BLOCK)...my ego is soooo messed up. Even now, with people I know telling me, "dude...you dodged a major bullet with this girl...she is showing you who she is"...the wounded, 15 year-old inside of me is saying "no no...this is MY fault. I fvcked up...great...lost ANOTHER friend."

 

[SteR]

Well it sounds like you've at least keyed onto the fact that it's your issue. You're not worthless and unlovable, you're just telling yourself you are.

I think pretty much everyone is harder on themselves than others. The way I've learned to look at it is: When I find myself in these situations where I think I've ****ed up, imagine it was your friend who was going through this and not yourself. How would you talk to them?

 

[harrison9876]

Well...quite frankly:

"dude...when she was back and forth between here and Australia...she was calling you to hang out multiple times as friends whenever she was here in LA. You hung out with her every time. When she finally moved back permanently to LA only a few months later - SHE DID NOT CONTACT YOU. The only reason you knew she moved back, was because you noticed her location update on FB. When you contacted her, she said "oh yeah!! I moved back permanently 6 months ago!"

Is that how a "friend" acts? Dude...if you in that position, the first thing you would be doing is calling your friends to tell them you moved back. She was obviously contacting you when she was back and forth between her and Australia because she was bored and wanted your attention - NOT because she was acting like a friend.

You were pi$$ed back THEN (4 years ago)...and you removed her from FB, deleted her #, and email...because you KNEW what was going on.

NOW...after 4 years of NO contact...she is back in LA (after living in Hawaii for 3 years)...broken up from an abusive BF...and she decides to hit you up? Why you may ask? Same reason she was calling you when she was visiting...she needed validation and attention...and you give it to her when she needs it.

A true friend does not contact you ONLY when they need attention...a true friend remains IN contact...because they appreciate the connection.

YOU wrote her off 4 years ago for a reason. You sensed the same BS this time around...but this time rather than playing her game, you called her on it. How would you have felt when she stopped talking to you AGAIN...due to her getting another BF? You would feel just like you did 4 years ago. Sure you could have walked away silently...but...on the good side, you know she'll never speak to you again.

Though her response was an emotional one (responded offended, blocking from FB, etc.)...and does show she cares in "some way" - the response is not from that of a friend - it is the emotional response from someone who is losing "attention" - not an emotional response from someone losing a friend.

If she really WAS a friend, and considered you as one...she AS A FRIEND would have probably tried to reach out, maybe clear up the miscommunication, apologize, or at least TRY to maintain the connection - hell who likes to lose friend's right??

She didn't do that.

Her "translated" response was basically, "I am not the problem...you are for reading into me being friendly...but no problem. BYE!"

Again...is that how YOU would treat someone?

Probably not.

The DJ way would have been to walk away silently. You are out of practice...and as such responded out of emotion and ego. You fell embarrassed for not being the "DJ" you used to be looooooooong ago...your ego is bruised...and you feel like she is laughing about you to her friends - "hahaha...what a loser that guy was...hahahaha".

#1 - she was never really thinking about you...so it is highly unlikely she is talking about you.

#2 - if she IS responding that way - she OBVIOUSLY was never a friend anyway.

#3 - besides ego and feeling embarrassed...what are you losing? A connection with a girl who was only a part-time friend anyway...and as the saying goes...closing one door, opens up another. Imagine a girl JUST as hot...but actually wants you in her life - would you care or give two shyts about this one?

Probably not...






- probably something along those lines.

 

[greatsnake]

Send her off to Pluto.

 

[harrison9876]

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo going to coin that phrase...

 

[Alvafe]

I don't consider a **** up move you did, saying she is friendly and you mistake it is a whorish manipulation, she wanted validation, she know you felt something so for her felt good she go after you just to see if she could do it again, you gave her a chance to prove wrong she failed to do so then you cut her off, that is really a good if not the best thing you could do with her, sometimes is better you cut your loses and move on then keep the same things from the past to drag you down.

 

[Fruitbat]

I did this very same thing with several women, in fact this happened to me over and over for a bit.

Basically, most women nowadays think being flirty over social media doesn't count. They will drop innuendo to get you wrapped up. In my opinion, "bagging" guys, getting them to like you, is to woman what getting a woman to have sex with is to a man. It's the measure of your male or female prowess.

Issue is, both sets of this behaviour is horrifically damaging to either sex. I have done it to women, women have done their thing to me.

My experiences taught me that NEVER enter into long flirty session with women electronically unless you have or are curently getting physical with them. Sometimes it switches off like a light and you are left with thousands of messages you'll be worried are being bragged about, they do, and the more needy you get, the more likely they will keep these badges of honour. Especially females that know you, it;s their "alpha female" bull****.

Nothing ever good can come from texting unless you already approached this woman and you have established you are "dating". If the lines are at all blurrd, stay out. The exclusivity will not stop a woman.....ask them out on a clearly defined date, and if there;s any "well, not sure if it;s a date..." agree to meet as friend. Women will pull that bull**** all over the place, I disagree with above poster saying about misunderstanding friendlyness. You don;t text a bloke mate all day, you text to meet up.

She KNOWS you like her, if she was just being friendly, she would definately be clear, but they don't. They want the flattery and the feeling of being desired.....you lose nothing from not doing long text or e-mail communications...no girl is thinking "well, I really like him but I really want a guy to devote his life to talking about nothing online". They'll come to you regardless.