Are all marriages as bad as they seem?

[BackInTheGame78]

Most marriages end up bad because at least one of the people should not be married.

It takes good communication, relationship effort and compromise...3 things many people are very poor at these days.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Most of my married friends get BJs on their birthday once a year sex every month

That is pretty sad.
Duty sex instead of sex by desire. But that comes with the territory I guess.

All relationships with females are transactional and conditional and if you are perceived by them only as the provider then they will not have much for you in store; and once the ring is on the finger the V will try up fast to a highly guarded ATM which you can only withdraw from by paying her with services rendered.

 

[AureliusMaximus]

Most marriages end up bad because at least one of the people should not be married.

It takes good communication, relationship effort and compromise...3 things many people are very poor at these days.

Guys can spend months, even years to find their perfect "dream" car, motorcycle or whatever, but then it comes to a person they will believing with its enough that that person touches their pee-pee one or two times.

It's so important that you vet a potential future partner, but most guys don't and it always ends up in a train wreck.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

Do as the French do and take a side piece. The missus might do it too after all. Monogamy is a pipe dream. A fling (no feelz) can make a better husband, that's for sure.

 

[Bokanovsky]

The thing about marriage is that it does not operate in a vacuum. It exists within a social context. Marriage is a very traditional institution that is an anachronism of a long bygone era. It hails from an age when divorces were virtually non-existent (you had to get a special permission from the Pope to get divorced), a man's authority over the household, his wife and his children was unquestioned, and there was a universal expectation that married women were going to stay at home and raise children while men were going to acquire resources to provide for the family. But if you change those fundamental social conventions, can a marriage still function as intended? Is a car with no engine, no transmission and no wheels still a car? Or is it useless carcass?

 

[Ricky]

Mine was great until it wasn't. The pandemic brought up some issues.. trying to resolve those and its been very difficult.
Obviously it was great for me and i had few complaints. She also had few complaints but has blown those out of proportion so seriously that to her i treated her terribly. Which isn't true but everyone has their own view of reality and i have to respect hers even though i disagree.

 

[viking22]

I think it can work if you are best friends as well as lovers and you're both highly motivated to raise kids together as a team and work well together. But even in the best marriages your sex life will dry up especially after the kids come and there will be arguments and domesticity which makes it hard to keep passion/romance/excitement alive. And it also probably works best if you have both average looking so you got together because you liked each other's personalities and are used to settling.

The other situation it can work is in an upper class type scenario where affairs are tolerated on both sides and even add some frisson to the marriage and it is seem more as a business transaction where you have respectability, can raise children in a socially acceptable way, have someone for old age, and the husband is devoted to the wife because she tolerates his affairs and makes his house a home and the wife is accepting and understanding and appreciates that the husband is a good provider.

 

[BeExcellent]

There are great marriages out there. You guys that don’t think so are running with the wrong crowd.

 

[The Duke]

I remember after I got divorced, no one could believe it. They never saw it coming. Everyone thought my marriage was great and others looked up to us because it appeared things were so good.

Moral of the story is, you have no idea. Women are great actors, and dudes put up with a lot of schitt. Remember they aren't supposed to show emotion and feelings.

 

[DonJuanjr]

Duty sex instead of sex by desire. But that comes with the territory I guess.

Would you rather have duty sex with an average or slightly above average woman, or desire sex with a below average woman?

 

[LTG71]

I think it can work if you are best friends as well as lovers and you're both highly motivated to raise kids together as a team and work well together. But even in the best marriages your sex life will dry up especially after the kids come and there will be arguments and domesticity which makes it hard to keep passion/romance/excitement alive. And it also probably works best if you have both average looking so you got together because you liked each other's personalities and are used to settling.

Everything starts off with the best of intentions and eventually grows old. After 20+ years in, I feel like we live as brother and sister. Raising kids is the priority and then everything else becomes secondary. After wife went through menopause, the sex dried up. Not to mention so did my desire for her as a result. What’s the saying, “keep his belly full and his balls empty?” At this stage, a piece of strange sounds intriguing. I don’t like feeling like I’m just an ATM either. I‘d say I love my wife but I’m not in love with her.

What I failed to recognize many years ago also was how people express love. My wife is cold as fvck and that bothers me. She is cold to everyone and not just me, so it’s not a passive aggressive move to push only me away. I‘m more affectionate with her and the kids while she keeps everyone at arms length. This is a huge red flag and disappointment in my life. She’s a good person but this aspect sucks.. I think this realization and menopause have taken a large toll on our marriage. There are aspects that are good and some like these which lead a person to wonder. I’m a firm believer too in the notion that you can’t negotiate desire, Rollo hit the nail on the head with this one. You can’t talk people into being someone they are not.

 

[devilkingx2]

There's lots of benefits to marriage if you marry the right woman imo. It's probably easier to find 3 decent plates, and even that's pretty hard.

If you don't want a dead bedroom you'll have to screen for a woman with a high sex drive (cheating risk) who finds you very attractive (rare, especially if she's hot herself)

If you want a wife who is an asset you'll have to screen for a woman with money for you to spend, high IQ to go into business with you, lots of useful skills like cooking and cleaning, etc.

 

[Snag87]

Would you rather have duty sex with an average or slightly above average woman, or desire sex with a below average woman?

Definitely the latter.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

OP, marriage doesnt get you anything else that you couldnt get without a ring.

NEVER invite the law into your relationship in a western society more then the bare minimum neccessarry. It will limit your options in best case and fvck your life over in worst case.

Even talking about kids, i wouldnt go into marriage again. You have no rights anyway at family courts, what she says goes for the kids.

The single one and only thing that mathers in a LTR (marriage, if you are insane enough) is that she keeps thinking you are the best that she can get and makes the effort to keep you (keep your belly full and your balls empty) /is afraid to lose you (#dreadgame).
And this is why people recommend taking women a lvl or two below your own for LTR. When women believe that you are the prize, allmost everything goes and it makes your life so much more enjoyable.

That is pretty sad.
Duty sex instead of sex by desire. But that comes with the territory I guess.

From the male perspective:
Well..... lets be real, every pvssy gets old after you had it for more or less years. Even if its steak-quality, "eating steak every day" for the rest of your life sucks and at some point you´d take a McD burger over the steak just for the sake of having something different.

From the female perspective:
A lot of men stop being the men they were when the woman met them. Either they let themselves go or they let themselves get turned into a doormat by their wifes and therfore become unatractive/stop getting her wet. No wonder there is no sex for the average frustrated chump.

 

[EyeBRollin]

OP, marriage doesnt get you anything else that you couldnt get without a ring.

This is objectively false.

 

[Epicwinguy]

This is objectively false.

So what does it get you?

 

[pipeman84]

Everything starts off with the best of intentions and eventually grows old.

I disagree. For an astute observer, it's quite predictable if a marriage will end up badly (ie either in divorce or in a dead bedroom). It's a bit like seeing a guy who likes to drink hard liquor at the pub then driving off in his car. It doesn't take an Einstein to predict he'll get into an accident or pulled over by the cops.

 

[EyeBRollin]

So what does it get you?

Married men are regarded with more respect and prestige by the broader society and the corporate world compared to single men. This becomes more pronounced the older you get. It was one of things I noticed.. both men and women just seem to find you more respectable and relatable.

And that’s not even getting into the practical reasons.

 

[Epicwinguy]

I disagree. For an astute observer, it's quite predictable if a marriage will end up badly (ie either in divorce or in a dead bedroom). It's a bit like seeing a guy who likes to drink hard liquor at the pub then driving off in his car. It doesn't take an Einstein to predict he'll get into an accident or pulled over by the cops.

I've driven home piss drunk tons of times and never gotten pulled over. I live in the Denver area though...

 

[SW15]

Married men are regarded with more respect and prestige by the broader society and the corporate world compared to single men. This becomes more pronounced the older you get. It was one of things I noticed.. both men and women just seem to find you more respectable and relatable.

I have noticed this as well. It is debatable about whether this is an appropriate characterization of married men vs. unmarried men.

Among unmarried men 35+, I find that divorced men are more respected than never married men.