Apathy towards girls

[Matt Rogers]

When I was younger I found girls fascinating and let their beauty cast a spell over me and found everything they said and every gesture charming. When I was with a girl time seemed to pass by at the speed of light and afterwards I was positively glowing.

Sure you could say it was infatuation or oneitis. But in a way I miss it.

These days I find girls so boring. Very few of them have anything interesting to say and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to sustain a conversation or hide my boredom. I tend to half listen and just lazily ask questions and if they ask me anything i give monosyllabic responses.

The girls I have any success with are those who can flirt as i still enjoy flirting but even that gets old and is just a means to an end (getting them into bed). After we've slept together i realise we are just two people with nothing in common except cheap physical attraction and once im bored of the sex it is over. Also as its so easy I do not really respect the girl. For both these reasons these relationships last a few weeks top.

I have also lost the motivation to chase girls. I'm an introvert by nature so i have to make a conscious effort to go out and meet girls. But a lot of the time im preferring to stay at home and read, study, work at my business etc. Whereas in the past i centred my life around finding a girlfriend, these days i think girls are such an inconsequential part of life and a distraction from my true purpose.

But Im not sure this attitude is completely healthy.

Does anyone else feel like this? How can I rediscover enjoyment from spending time with girls outside of the bedroom?

 

[ketostix]

These days I find girls so boring. Very few of them have anything interesting to say and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to sustain a conversation or hide my boredom.

The girls I have any success with are those who can flirt as i still enjoy flirting but even that gets old and is just a means to an end (getting them into bed). After we've slept together i realise we are just two people with nothing in common except cheap physical attraction and once im bored of the sex it is over. Also as its so easy I do not really respect the girl. For both these reasons these relationships last a few weeks top.


Does anyone else feel like this? How can I rediscover enjoyment from spending time with girls outside of the bedroom?

I know exactly what you mean. I could've written every word in your post. Like you said I'm bored with talking to girls and so I try to be playful and try to entertain myself with them and a lot of them are boring, no sense of humor, etc. I think part of the reason is girls just don't even try to be desirable as much anymore. Anyway I'd be interested in hearing everyone else's ideas on this.

 

[Jeffst1980]

I think after you had your share of girls, it's easy to feel this way.
For as much variety as exists in the female gender, they're all the same in so many ways. After realizing this, it does destroy a lot of the mystery that previously surrounded their gender. Of course, this new level of comfort with women is what makes getting girls so much easier!

I sometimes wish I could regain the chemical high that comes with the AFC mindset, odd as it may sound. Some of my most memorable experiences occurred when, as an AFC in my late teens, I got "lucky" (and it really was luck, then). Even kissing a girl was accompanied by so much sexual tension back then.

However, had I continued operating in that mindset, it would have prevented me from ultimately growing as a person. When you're an AFC, your whole life and everything you do therein is motivated by sex. When you take sex for granted, you can finally concentrate on greater goals and becoming self-actualized (Why was "sex" left off of Maslow's hierarchy of needs?).

I'm not always too quick to advocate that guys get "desensitized" to girls or do things to "protect their hearts" because experiencing things like desire, heartbreak, etc. are important parts of the human experience. Our goal is not to become emotionless robots.

To answer the OP's question after all this rambling, you don't need to do anything different. You are doing the necessary filtering process. Keep on meeting girls, and stay focused on your goals, and eventually you WILL find a girl that stands out and captures your interest. Don't get into a relationship until you meet this girl.

 

[sodbuster]

Think of it this way. You had a slice of pizza and liked it. So every day for the next month you went to the all you can eat pizza buffet. Now you are sick of pizza and are here asking us if you have a problem. NEVER eat or drink anything until you are so sick of it you could puke just thinking about it. If you'd balance the rest of your life out,you'll be back.
Instead, concentrate on your job or school[steak],ballgames with your friends[hotdogs],travel[chinese],investing[mexican] etc. you won't get so sick of "pizza". Of course, as you age,you can tend to get bored, after 200 pizza's; you aren't as excited about the next slice. Pizza delivered here, oh I SUPPOSE I'll haave a slice. Pizza I need to walk 2 miles through a blizzard to get,not that hungry

 

[Matt Rogers]

Glad my post resonated with a few of you.

sodbuster stop it with the pizza analogy im hungry now but yeah it is a great analogy:

id devoted time in my life to getting good with girls and now im bored of girls. It is kinda ironic. I also find that im lazy and instead of liking unavailable girls like i did in the past now I like available girls who i can get into bed with minimum effort, discard and concentrate on more important things in life.

Jeff I totally agree that part of my boredom is that girls do not seem so mysterious anymore. Maybe I still do not completely understand them (who does?) but their behaviour has become predictable and im seeing patterns.

ketostix i agree. Girls do not make an effort to be interesting. They just make an effort to look good and only succeed in looking the same. All they give to the interaction is their presence and expect guys to entertain them. I would love to meet a girl who could make me laugh for a change.

 

[insidious]

Yup Mr. Rogers, word.
The most unfortunate side-effect of this "DJ mentality" for me has been the crushing exhaustion of all the petty baggage that most women bring to bear. Gone are the idyllic days of naivete and schoolyard crushes. My days of innocence and female adulation. So wonderful but so imprisoning as well.

Rare is the women who can stimulate my mind and soul, not just my damn ****. Forget that, I can stimulate my own ****...what you got besides that, woman? What else can you do for me? For a minute, just a minute, please put aside your multitude of self-absorptions, judgmental ignorances and strange material obsessions...show me what it is that distinguishes you as human.

Problem is, I feel most women are just not prepared for such an interaction. WTF, I keep looking, what have I got to lose? My life is plenty full of other stuff, women are just icing on the cake at this point.

In the meantime, I will continue seeking out unusual situations what are that are sexually intriguing, if not downright freaky (like my 55 yr old-ish neighbor who keeps giving me the eye.) Such is my life

 

[jophil28]

Does anyone else feel like this? How can I rediscover enjoyment from spending time with girls outside of the bedroom?

Perhaps your low level of interest in meeting new women is a reflection of how little most women offer, or bring forward, into a new connection with a man. The majority of woman,( even those of my age ) persist in merely presenting themselves as bait, or shiny, pretty objects in the hope that a man will "buy" or at least make a bid for the merchandise.
Their conversation is mostly purile and fatuous and tends to be devoid of any interest in the guy except to tease out what he does, how he is fixed financially, and whether he has power or status to which she might attach herself.
It has all gotten worse, men - much worse in the past 30 years. Nowadays, even middle-aged women or cougars have adopted (or clung to) a belief that they are irresistible and pedestral worthy . They seem to be fiercely invested in the belief that we should be grateful for their presence and that dating them is a priviledge. They are genuinely dumbstruck that a man would pass on them or avoid them and their ridiculous posturing.
I have little patience now for all the hoop jumping and the juvenile flirty mindgames that women love in perpetuity.

Hence they ultimately appear on dating sites moaning about " no good men ".

Yawwnnn !

 

[DrNoAWs]

With eyes wide opened

Hey guys, I´m with yer. Been lurking around here for a while now I am quit dellussional refering to women. The former mystic and the believed godesses have fallen what remains is the hard truth that women ain´t that nice characters an AFC thinks. I like the truth (as far as you can say there is ONE truth) and I am great that my mind was unplugged from the matrix in this sector (in many others I managed it before) but since knowing all the stuff I find it very hard to motivate myself to hit on women. All magic is gone. There is no problem talking to them but going into deep conversation most of the time suckx and I ain´t interested in chit chat about the weather and so on. Most of the time I feel bored. Even talking to former oniItises has not that spirit any more - boring. And I really loved her before - I thougt that way. All I could think while talking was, nice eyes and hey, I would like to fcuk yer. But no real Conversation. For sure a good sign being an the right track becoming a DJ. But all that is a hard sideeffect.
I was always looking for someone who was an the same wave as me: a girl that fits me intelectualy, is good looking and understands me. As you could say alll of this stuff an AFC wishes. Seem as is beeing an AFC is like believing in Santa clause: send yer wishes and someday they will be fullfilled.
Fast forward to today: Knowing there no perfect women that fits yer standards, is as intelligent as you are, and to that you can open up and show yer feelings. So having the eyes are wide openden now and no longer being a total AFC, sometimes I remeber the nice feelings the time in the AFC wonderland gave me, the time when my eyes were wide shut.
So if you know all yer tell them and all yer feel means nothing at the end, cuz this women just change fellings from one day to another, why should yer tell them yer inner feelings, ain´t goona worth the time. As someones said before: When we menare in love with someone we mean we love the person, women instead are just in love with the idea of love. That means you as person are only an mean to and end which is their ideal of love and replaceable.
To make it short: I have always reached out for something real - call it true love or whatever. So if there exists no such thing what is all the interaction with a girl worth. Is a girl only to be seen as a FB? ..and for real conversation yer better go and buy a good book?
And refering to the good pizza example: Why eat a pizza even thoug I didn´t for a while when I know there is for sure poison inside every single one?
Ain´t that gonna s*ck?
I don´t mean not to date anymore but it´s all frustating and I woul be thankfull for some way out of that dilemma. Has someone found a way to fight the sideeffects of being or becoming a DJ without of giving up all yer morality and yer standards. Going back to AFC wonderland is no option.

 

[02hero]

I've just read this thread from top to bottom and I'm sitting here nodding like a dog on the back shelf of a car......them AFC's don't realise how lucky they are

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

DRNOAWS, put an age on your profile.

 

[jophil28]

. Has someone found a way to fight the sideeffects of being or becoming a DJ without of giving up all yer morality and yer standards. Going back to AFC wonderland is no option.

WE can never go back because we can never UNknow what we know now.
The bell has been rung.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I have also lost the motivation to chase girls. I'm an introvert by nature so i have to make a conscious effort to go out and meet girls. But a lot of the time im preferring to stay at home and read, study, work at my business etc.

Law 18: Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself— Isolation is Dangerous
The world is dangerous and enemies are everywhere— everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest. But isolation exposes you to more dangers than it protects you from - it cuts you off from valuable information, it makes you conspicuous and an easy target. Better to circulate among people, find allies, mingle. You are shielded from your enemies by the crowd.

This is the Law of the Buffer. Virtually all Buffers involve some form of isolation or insulation. The perception is that they are a convenience or a else a personal preference, but the truth is they are universally a self-convinced, prepared emotional defense.

The concept, the pursuit, of an idealized "quality" woman is a Buffer as well. Beware you don't isolate yourself in your quest for a myth. Be careful you don't condition yourself in your isolation to see any woman who reacts to you even remotely in accordance with your 'ideal' as "quality" and one who'd rebuff it as "low quality."

 

[DrNoAWs]

WE can never go back because we can never UNknow what we know now.
The bell has been rung.

That is exactly what i meant. It is impossible. Reminds me in some kinda way to Platos Allegory of the cave.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_cave

Once you have seen the real things, you never ever wanna go back and the shadows are what they are...simple shadows and no longer fascinating things or creatures.

 

[phillyb]

I am an introvert as well.....and have been overusing match.com as a way of meeting girls.

I have to make a great effort to meet them in real life. However, I'm indifferent about them for some reason. I know I should be "trying to get as much" tail as I can while I'm young, but right now, I just believe women to be more trouble than their worth.

It's just the same ol sh-t ...time and time again.....maybe that's why they always ask me why I'm so indifferent....because they bring nothing to the table except a couple of fun bags, and a warm pu$$y.

I hate to be so cynical, but I cant help it.

 

[jophil28]

The inevitable outcome of awareness is better judgement and vastly improved discernment in choice.
Seeking rewarding associations with quality women is our noble quest but inevitably elusive because women's behavior has become more self-seeking. Therefor the disqualifaction rate is multiplied exxponentially. Their expectations and sense of entitlement has increased to an intolerable level and is inversely related to their contribution - hence we frequently encounter the "princess" culture among women today.

A quest for a "perfect " woman would be the quest for a myth. THAT would be a buffer. Seeking a quality woman is no myth. It is what we are now obligated to do.

 

[jafyk]

Matt, I want to thank you for this thread. This is something important you've just touched on. One of the things that turns me on when I meet a woman is if she's intelligent, passionate about something or talented (I guess this would go along with her passion). When I say get turned on I don't mean sexually. I think one of the reasons we as guys encounter the problem you're encountering is because we have this mindset where we equate women to a means of happiness (and whatever else) which is an idea. When we finally meet the woman and sees her as she is as a person we get disappointed. So, was the problem with the woman to begin with or with us? We get disensitized because a lot of us view women as sexual objects and once that need has been met there's really no side of them that appeals to us anymore. In the same way we objectify women they objectify us for our qualities (can you provide her with stuff, family etc) when the woman finally sees the man for who is instead of as a means to an end then she says something like "There's no good men out there". She will repeat this pattern until she realizes she's having fantasies.
I think the solution would be to compartmentalize relationship with women as another integral part of your life. Example, if you want a stimulating intelligent conversation look for a guy, if you want someone to take care of you in terms of sex, chores, tenderness, different companionship etc find a woman. They say men and women think differently and have different interests. Men like freedom (space) and we bond through sports etc, women on the other hand crave connection (closeness), and bond by doing girly things with other women. When you think about it the best thing for a man is a man and a woman, woman. Don't get me wrong I'm not talking about homosexuality here. I'm just saying that based on the previous things I just mentioned; because if you listen to most of the complaints of men and women have, you get the sense that this needs can be met by same sex compannionship. If you take away that sexual feeling and the need for reproduction wouldn't you rather hang around guys and women with women. The dilema is we were made to have longings for the opposite (which is the right order of things) so, it's just something you'ill have to deal with (women being the topic). Most of the women I've found mentally stimulating have usually ended up in the friend zone and I dont know why women in relationship tend to be boring . As with all things there are the few exceptions. I know I've rambled but I read this book "What men still don't know: about women, relationships and love" by Herb Goldberg. It talks about how most men are not connected with themselves and are also become victims of the expectations of society. In other words the qualities that makes a man successful in his society tends to fail him in his relationships.

 

[Matt Rogers]

Guys im honoured by the response this thread is getting.

What I find is that girls' assets are frontloaded. You see a girl from across the room with her seductive smile, the dress clinging to her body, and she seems like an attractive proposition. Girls spend their whole lives perfecting these lures that entice men.

The mistake AFCs make is the halo effect. They imagine a beautiful girl is an angel and assume all these virtues and idealise her. Of course most AFCs never get to know girls and instead admire them from afar.

Sometimes to wind up girls I talk about how I am never going to get married. But the other day a girl stopped me in my tracks and gave me a reason why people get married that I found hard to argue with: companionship. You look at these couples who have nothing in common and argue the whole time. What is keeping them together? They do not want to be alone and like having someone to come home to.

Yes, other men can provide companionship and male bonding is an important part of my life. But its nice having a girl to take care of you sometimes, tend to your physical needs. I have a Russian friend and she says in Russia the job of the women is to make the home warm. It is a beautiful sentiment. I really do admire the old-fashioned female homemakers. Today's generation of women just does not compare.

The problem is the dynamic that guys have to impress and entertain girls and if successful they are rewarded with sex.

I talk to female friends about their dates and they either say "he was boring" or "he was fun" and this completely reflects this state of affairs.

Similarly my male friends say to me "you should see this girl im dating...she's sex on legs"

I think if you want to find a girl you click with and enjoy talking maybe guys have to give up their quest for the perfect 10 in looks. Certainly in the past I have been guilty of modelising.

 

[jophil28]

The problem is the dynamic that guys have to impress and entertain girls and if successful they are rewarded with sex.

And playing this age old game is EXACTLY what strips men of their rightful power and leadership and sets the frame entirely in her favor..

Never seek a woman's approval like this..... never, ever.

 

[Colossus]

What I find is that girls' assets are frontloaded. You see a girl from across the room with her seductive smile, the dress clinging to her body, and she seems like an attractive proposition. Girls spend their whole lives perfecting these lures that entice men.

This is a great thread. You took the words right out of my mouth.

I have reached this point in my life as well, and I see it growing in many ways. Women ARE very front-loaded in what they have to offer. It is a fact of life, and I think any experienced DJ would tell you the same. The lack of depth is a bit of a buzzkill. The more time you spend around different women, the more you see that there is a lot of homogeneity: they come in different "flavors", but the basic recipe is the same. They spend their whole lives perfecting this physical allure which really only conceals a rather bland package.

I think when men realize this it naturally leads them to reroute their energies to other more productive areas of life. And I really don't think you can go back to the days of enchantment. This just isn't possible.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that eventually you may find a woman that you truly resonate with, and hold in the highest respect. Blessed is the man who sees this day.

 

[jophil28]

They spend their whole lives perfecting this physical allure which really only conceals a rather bland package.

The quality of the contents rarely equals the glow of the wrapping.