Another Sexless LTR - How to stay?

[Barrister]

My experience too. If you're having to consciously use Dread Game, even though it can be very effective, your relationship is in trouble. Dread Game is on-going and once you take your foot off the gas, the relationship starts sliding again. You can never relax.

It's also a pride thing. Once your woman starts to see herself as "better than" you, she never really unsees it, even if you re-Game her and spike her attraction again.

The art of permanently hooking a woman is making sure she never sees herself as above you. If she ever does, then it's tattooed in her mind, despite you trying to recalibrate the power dynamic.

My advice to OP is to dump her. In the medium-long term, this relationship is history.

This was a huge issue in my last LTR. She saw herself as being higher SMV and in control even though it wasn’t reality. As soon as I let the dread game slip and tried to connect more with her the more boundaries were instantly violated. It just wasn’t worth it.

I agree that OP should eject.

 

[MrPwr]

This is exactly why a man must always make enough money to be independent. You're very lucky you aren't married and you don't have a bunch of overhead mortgage costs.

I feel lucky.
Wish I had figured it out before I dropped 10k on a bloody ring. Do jewellers take refunds?

Dread isn't going to work. You already told her you aren't going to have kids with her or marry her, so she's very likely looking for other guys that will give her that. Don't underestimate the power of the baby rabies. She knows her clock is ticking down fast and women will do whatever it takes to have kids.

I don't know if she is that baby mad. She said at one point she wasn't sure if she would have kids, and might just get more dogs/do her phd if it didn't work out.

Also I didn't say I wouldn't have kids with her, apologies if that is the impression I gave. I might have said something along the lines of "it'll be a cold day in hell before I let her be a lazy stay at home mum, she can go to fkn work and we'll get a carer."

 

[MrPwr]

this quote right here. This is your interpretation based on what she has commented to you. It’s a bold faced, absolute lie.

My interpretation is a lie? Or her comments?

 

[Barrister]

It's extremely hard to take this step after you've invested in a woman in an LTR. You have to experience the end point of where this eventually leads. Men only truly learn through pain and suffering. What happens is the disrespect increases and turns into a cancer where you start doubting and eventually hating yourself because you're in a relationship with someone who once idolized you, and has now devalued you. Your frame gets ruined because you become very bitter and angry about it.

The pattern this takes in a relationship is Idealization (honeymoon period), Devaluation (can last for years, it's a slow death), Discard ( she dumps you). Don't let it get to the Discard. Once you sense that she is devaluing you and no-longer sees you as her Best, then you have to shoot the puppy.

You nailed it brother. First ten months (honeymoon) with my last LTR were the best relationship I’d ever been in. I got very emotionally invested. Great sex and great day to day connection. Then that slipped for about a year with her constantly testing boundaries with me. I grew very resentful but stayed with her.

I eventually began using dread game by talking to other women in front of her (under guise of being a wingman for my other buddy’s) and constantly telling her maybe we should break up during any argument. This resulted in a temporary improvement after any time. However, if I ever tried to return to the honeymoon phase dynamic she always tested my boundaries. I finally just ejected at the end when I found she was religiously texting one of her male orbiters every single day for months.

I broke up with her but it was not easy at all to do and I’m still not completely over it. It has definitely been a painful lesson in needing to always maintain your frame and not investing too heavily up front.

 

[MrPwr]

Both. She is highly sexual in every way. All women are having sex. Some form of sex. She is absolutely not sexless. It is a grave error for you to think that she doesn’t need much sex. One of the oldest lines in the book.

they have actually had tons of sex before you. You would be shocked. You would think her a dirty slvt if you knew.

I doubt it. I know that to be true of previous women, but this one is more likely to be frigid than a slut.
No doubt she ****ed before me, but her ex whom I know almost nothing about, was an older guy. I'm guessing he didn't stick around for the same reasons I'm looking at leaving.

Hint: women who present themselves like this are actually overcompensating (for your benifit).

This is interesting, would you please elaborate?

Thanks for your insights

 

[LiveYourDream]

Part of me questions if this a troll post. At the same time, if not...

OP... Wake Up!!!!!

This woman now holds little if any regard or enthusiasm, for being WITH YOU- OP!!!

Please note...I do not emphasize that -YOU-OP distinction to be mean. I am doing so here to hopefully wake you up OP. If this woman was with her dream crush right now, or someone she felt genuine attraction with, she would be acting differently. What I feel moved to point out here is that this one woman now holds little if any regard or enthusiasm, for being WITH YOU- OP!!!

1. She is not proudly displaying and showing off, to the world, that she is currently engaged, to YOU!!

This woman that you went above and beyond to get a ring for, and to ask her to marry you is specifically choosing to not wear her engagement ring, at all!!!

That is beyond significant! It is super uncharacteristic for a woman who is engaged. It is also a huge display of: her lack of regard, her lack of respect, and her lack of enthusiasm...for you.

Those are not the building blocks of a happy life, a happy LTR/marriage, let alone a foundation to bring kids into. Quite the opposite. They are the solid building blocks of divorce and drawn out custody challenges.

2. She is not genuinely interested in sex, with you.

Look at her on-going actions over her words. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself. Her desire or lack of desire will not define you. She is not your last opportunity for sex or a good partner. She is only one woman on the planet. You have lots of other options to explore.

Make no mistake, this woman will indeed engage/allow sex, with you, as is needed to fulfill her desire to get pregnant. She has shown that. Outside of that, expect little to none. Seriously.

Again...She is not genuinely interested in sex, with you. Evidence...there is no sex. And still in the honeymoon phase, the phase when couples are having the greatest amount of sex. Are you truly ok with your sex life NEVER improving from almost zero? That’s the life path you are signing up for, with her.

If you are looking for a woman who has little to no regard, no respect, and no enthusiasm for you, than you seem to be on the right track. If it is ALSO important to you to have a woman who has zero to little desire to ever have sex, with YOU, than this woman would indeed be worth keeping.

Is that REALLY what you want to sign up for, for the long haul??? Why are you???

OP- Why not choose to get yourself handled FIRST and then begin again, with a woman who is genuinely excited and happy, to be with YOU, and who desires you sexually, beyond just having kids?

Just because you and this woman have come this far together does not mean it is wise for you to continue with her. Take a hard honest look. I give her kudos on the loyalty and sticking with you. That alone does not mean you should be willing to give up a having a happy healthy sex life forever more. Clearly you, as a man, have some things to get together. I do understand that you are working to get that handled and get on your own footing solidly. Make that your number one priority. Your interplay dynamics with this woman have become undesirable, imho. That’s another topic.

@MrPwr I believe you deserve better. I believe you can have better. The question is... Do you and will you choose to????

 

[Grinderman]

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO....

If you have to ask that question.............in business or romance. Your answer is in the fact that you had to ask it
in the first place.....


GO!!!!!

Lot of world out there. Settle for nothing. Demand more.

 

[Serenity]

But after a few months it was unbearable.

So the rational choice is to stay then?

How do I get out of her frame, and get her into mine, is it salvageable?

No. It's the impossible superpower everyone new to the red pill thinks is possible. You can't, you'll 100% waste your time and dig a deeper grave for yourself. Get out and find a woman who genuinely appreciates you, what you do and give herself to you at least as much as you give yourself to her.

Or am I better off splitting now, while she still has a chance to have kids with someone else/on her own?

If you need a win-win situation this is it. You sure as fvck shouldn't put kids into a woman who you have the slightest doubt about and I sense your doubt about this one really strong.

I would rather stay, and fix it.

Do you think that's the easy path? I can guaranfvckingtee you that it's the roughest path you can possibly take, "fixing" someone is next to impossible. You may think it's so hard to leave her and consider the years with her lost, but it's literally nothing compared to amplifying this dissatisfaction over let's say 20 years, get married, get kids and eventually get smacked harder than ever by reality anyways. Imagine it, where are your limits? How far are you willing to go? How long will you try to fix her before ultimately giving up? I bet my ass you have no clue. Before you know it you have expended several more years trying to "fix her".

How much is a year worth? Let's do some math. Let's assume you'll live 80 years, near average, every year is 1.25% of your LIFE. How many years can you risk being dissatisfied? 4 years is 5% and it keeps going up 1.25% for every year you waste in misery trying to "fix her".

Wanting to stay to fix this is irrational, it's insanity. You will die one day, you don't have time for this sh!t.

We have literally no other issues than her lack of attraction for me at present.

Yeah, you have no other issues than one of the most important factors to enjoy a relationship. It's like saying a car without a steering wheel is great except for that part which you think you can fix while driving at highway speeds, the odds aren't exactly in your favor...

 

[MrPwr]

If you need a win-win situation this is it. You sure as fvck should put kids into a woman who you have the slightest doubt about and I sense your doubt about this one really strong.

100% That would just be dumb and I have had my fill of dumb **** already.

Do you think that's the easy path? I can guaranfvckingtee you that it's the roughest path you can possibly take, "fixing" someone is next to impossible. You may think it's so hard to leave her and consider the years with her lost, but it's literally nothing compared to amplifying this dissatisfaction over let's say 20 years, get married, get kids and eventually get smacked harder than ever by reality anyways. Imagine it, where are your limits? How far are you willing to go? How long will you try to fix her before ultimately giving up? I bet my ass you have no clue. Before you know it you have expended several more years trying to "fix her".

I was considering just another 5-6months while I continue my study semester and get ready to bounce.

Wanting to stay to fix this is irrational, it's insanity. You will die one day, you don't have time for this sh!t.

Wanting to pat sharks is irrational and yet that is what they are, and that is what we do. As a friend told me "just make sure you don't forget they are sharks"

Yeah, you have no other issues than one of the most important factors to enjoy a relationship. It's like saying a car without a steering wheel is great except for that part which you think you can fix while driving at highway speeds, the odds aren't exactly in your favor...

We have a saying down under, "She'll be right mate"
I won't be doing anything abrupt, I have other responsibilities to manage first, but I have already started getting my shvt together so that when the time comes I will be ready to bounce.

 

[Serenity]

I was considering just another 5-6months while I continue my study semester and get ready to bounce.

Fair enough, but I challenge you to do more than just consider, it's too soft. Set a hard limit, if you're not satisfied with the results by a set time then you execute your exit plan.

If you need a win-win situation this is it. You sure as fvck should put kids into a woman who you have the slightest doubt about and I sense your doubt about this one really strong.

100% That would just be dumb and I have had my fill of dumb **** already.

Oops, I just noticed a serious typo, but it seems like you got the message. The word "should" is of course supposed to be "shouldn't".

We have a saying down under, "She'll be right mate"

Love this reply

 

[MrPwr]

Part of me questions if this a troll post. At the same time, if not...

Nah no troll. But concerning is my situation that you should think I am a troll.
Does trolling happen a lot on here? I have done some google searches geared towards finding negativity towards the manosphere (in the interest of taking in multiple POVs, and a healthy practice) and I noticed a lot of misinterpretation, and subsequent disgust, then further disgust coming from these women/BP males blogging about RP men and the manosphere.
Hilarity ensued (on my part).

1. She is not proudly displaying and showing off, to the world, that she is currently engaged, to YOU!!
This woman that you went above and beyond to get a ring for, and to ask her to marry you is specifically choosing to not wear her engagement ring, at all!!!
That is beyond significant! It is super uncharacteristic for a woman who is engaged. It is also a huge display of: her lack of regard, her lack of respect, and her lack of enthusiasm...for you.

A mate (of the manosphere) suggested that this was her reaction to my recent observed behavioural changes, but even if this is just a **** test or tactic of hers, it's a fvkn bad one. That ring is fvkn epic, and the matching earrings that go with it. She should want to wear it

2. She is not genuinely interested in sex, with you.
Look at her on-going actions over her words. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself. Her desire or lack of desire will not define you. She is not your last opportunity for sex or a good partner. She is only one woman on the planet. You have lots of other options to explore.
Make no mistake, this woman will indeed engage/allow sex, with you, as is needed to fulfill her desire to get pregnant. She has shown that. Outside of that, expect little to none. Seriously.
Again...She is not genuinely interested in sex, with you. Evidence...there is no sex. And still in the honeymoon phase, the phase when couples are having the greatest amount of sex. Are you truly ok with your sex life NEVER improving from almost zero? That’s the life path you are signing up for, with her.

100% - She will have regular, passionate sex. Just have to be the right guy and I am not him.

OP- Why not choose to get yourself handled FIRST and then begin again, with a woman who is genuinely excited and happy, to be with YOU, and who desires you sexually, beyond just having kids?

I think this will be my choice.

Just because you and this woman have come this far together does not mean it is wise for you to continue with her.

This is like a Sunk Cost but with time. You can't get back bad investments, but you can move passed them and learn from them. That is the most valuable part of a sunk cost, not the lost investment but the lesson learned.

 

[LiveYourDream]

This is like a Sunk Cost but with time. You can't get back bad investments, but you can move passed them and learn from them. That is the most valuable part of a sunk cost, not the lost investment but the lesson learned.

Now you are on it. What are you going to do with the lesson learned? It is a potential springboard to an even better life, if you choose it. I hope you do.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Or am I better off splitting now, while she still has a chance to have kids with someone else/on her own? << This is a big issue for me. I don't want to **** her over. She is still very important to me.

Do you have somewhere else you can stay for the next five months instead?

If you stay till you finish school and then leave suddenly, it will mind Fvck her about your whole relationship, bigtime. Also, at her age five months is significant to her remaining childbearing potential. Do not expect to cohabitate peacefully once you tell her. She will likely be devastated and beyond emotional. That is not a reason to stay in the relationship. That is just what ripping off the bandaid is going to do.

If you can move somewhere else now/soon, anywhere else, you will begin to feel more and more empowered, as you will be moving forward in your life authentically and powerfully vs continuing to hide and pretend.

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

you mean how to leave?

can't understand why you would stay in a sexless LTR

 

[MrPwr]

Do you have somewhere else you can stay for the next five months instead?

If you stay till you finish school and then leave suddenly, it will mind Fvck her about your whole relationship, bigtime. Also, at her age five months is significant to her remaining childbearing potential. Do not expect to cohabitate peacefully once you tell her. She will likely be devastated and beyond emotional. That is not a reason to stay in the relationship. That is just what ripping off the bandaid is going to do.

If you can move somewhere else now/soon, anywhere else, you will begin to feel more and more empowered, as you will be moving forward in your life authentically and powerfully vs continuing to hide and pretend.

I don't have anywhere else I can stay. If I move out, it is off my own back and due to the circumstances of my situation if I do move out now, I will be on the street in no time.
After 5months I wouldn't be "planning to move" I would drop the bomb and be gone.

Holy heck I am not looking forward to that conversation...

I need time to get my affairs in order anyway.
When I move I want it to be quick. One day I am there, the next I am not. If I ejected now it would be dragged out, my studies would suffer, if I cancelled my enrolment I'd lose my $$ (passed census date) like it's just not a smart move for me.

 

[MrPwr]

you mean how to leave?

can't understand why you would stay in a sexless LTR

In an attempt to make it not sexless but I'm learning that once it is, turning it around is pretty much impossible.

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

In an attempt to make it not sexless but I'm learning that once it is, turning it around is pretty much impossible.

well you can turn it around , but it is always better to start new, i can help you reverse it if i knew more about you and what is goin on in the relationship,i need to have some insight on what you may be doing wrong

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

I don't have anywhere else I can stay. If I move out, it is off my own back and due to the circumstances of my situation if I do move out now, I will be on the street in no time.
After 5months I wouldn't be "planning to move" I would drop the bomb and be gone.

Holy heck I am not looking forward to that conversation...

I need time to get my affairs in order anyway.
When I move I want it to be quick. One day I am there, the next I am not. If I ejected now it would be dragged out, my studies would suffer, if I cancelled my enrolment I'd lose my $$ (passed census date) like it's just not a smart move for me.

well you can improve the way things are going and actually if you do , it will make you a stronger man in the process the only downside is , it will take alot of your time and it will take mental strength.
actually , you are in the right mindset this is the good news , you should wait until you can just poof and disappear one day, stay on your studies keep your head up and message me if you need anything , i will be here to help.
the main thing i would say now is get in the best shape of your life , once you get out of this situation , it will make it wayyyy easier to meet other women, soon in no time you will forget this woman ever existed.

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

something changed where she's no longer interested in having sex with you. You need to look inside yourself and review your actions and projections to see what issues that you are doing arise.

rick can come off hard sometimes but this is solid info , do a deep reflection and review yourself , being analytical at this time is critical in your self development

 

[ThisIsSparta]

I probably wont get any more than I was already getting, but surely I could get some more horsepower out of this model? more than zero** where's the key at?

My second LTR had very low sex drive. First year was okay´ish but then.... 2 times a month.
I was a nice-guy back then, trying to do please her .... but when i started to cheat, didnt care about what she wanted and not give a fvck about fvcking her anymore, she started to get interested in sex again.

Stop chasing her for sex........ become sexually independent, dont give a fvck about anything she wants/needs, show her you have (female) options ..... and she might become more active.

But, it is more then likely that she falls back to her no sex policy as soon as she has the kid and a ring on the finger, thinking she has the law on her side and you cant do **** about her not fvcking you.

The risk to get trapped is not worth it, just leave in 5 months and find an active woman.

Ooof. I get the less sex after kid. Have heard about it plenty from older guys. But is that due to schedule/lifestyle ? or just "I got what I wanted from you, now you're foohked, try and leave beach"

Schedule and lifestyle is not an issue ...... though naturaly you will both have less energy and opportunity for some years.

The issue in your case is that she wouldnt even want sex with you now, when she doesnt have sleepless nights and sorrows about the little one.