Another question for DJ fathers

[assasin]

Reading InLawsHateMe's thread about his girls reaction to pregnancy made me wonder about things going on in my own marriage at the moment.

So I wanted to ask any fathers out there about whether I should accept a drastically reduced sex life nine months after the second baby was born.

We always had a pretty keen sex life, not at all boring. After the first child was born we got back to normal pretty quickly, although she got post natal depression and I went a bit soft, gave her a bit too much leeway in certain areas, and we ended up almost splitting up.

So I didn't make the same mistake with this baby, kept my independance and made it plain that I wouldn't stand for a repeat performance.

Trouble is, now sex has gone out of the window. We're down to a quicky once a month. I can't decide if it's because she's tired from looking after 2 kids, she's objecting to something I'm doing or she's just lost interest in me altogether.

I called her out it and she says she just needs more attention before she gets excited. (Not foreplay, hugs and kino stuff) but this doesn't seem to fit with how she acts or how she used to be. If anything, the more non-sexual attention I give her, the less sexual attention I get back.

When we do have this once a month quicky it's usually her initiating it by maneuvering herself into the spoons position. No overtly sexual gestures at all. If I make any kind of sexual advance she tenses up.

So what do we think, have I lost her?

 

[Sexy_Malibu]

Its called sleep deprivation and overloaded responsibilities. Give her time. Maybe try to help her out more and she'll feel better and want to be more "frisky"? Also ifthe hormones might still be affecting it additionally, especially if shes nursing. I didn't want to have sex for a long time after I had my baby, like I barely wanted it for a year or even more. And anyone who reads my posts knows I can't go a week without having sex, so believe me it is normal, it's NOT you, just be a good guy and be there for her and wait it out.

 

[bp1974]

Try reading "Families and how to survive them":
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...f=sr_1_1/002-6585859-6361635?v=glance&s=books

This has a really good chapter on the dynamics between a man and a woman after a baby is born.

bp1974

 

[Mule]

Well I'm a divorced father and I completely know where you're coming from here. I would agree with the previous poster who said give this thing some time. The last thing you wanna do is lay down an ultimatum on her since that will surely backfire on you and create resentment on her part.

First, there is a lot of biochemical changes that rip through a woman's body during and after a pregnancy. A year is not uncommon for things to straighten out. Not to mention the added stress of raising children makes intimacy difficult to begin with since you simply won't have the time or the opportunities for enjoying it that you used to. This is a fact so get used to it.

The dynamics of a male-female relationship (sexual included) COMPLETELY change after you've got kids for these and several other reasons. Everyone, both male and female, should know this going into a marriage and if not somebody sure as hell better warn them!

So again, I'd say give it time. If things haven't improved after a year then there may be other issues in your marriage that require the help of a marriage counseler or other professional. Nobody said marriage was easy,my man! My hat's off to anyone that can work a marriage and stay together for life! It's tough.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by Sexy_Malibu
Its called sleep deprivation and overloaded responsibilities. Give her time. Maybe try to help her out more and she'll feel better and want to be more "frisky"? Also ifthe hormones might still be affecting it additionally, especially if shes nursing. I didn't want to have sex for a long time after I had my baby, like I barely wanted it for a year or even more. And anyone who reads my posts knows I can't go a week without having sex, so believe me it is normal, it's NOT you, just be a good guy and be there for her and wait it out.

I agree with everything except giving it time and waiting it out. If you are standing in quicksand, the longer you wait, the more you sink.

The problem with starting a family is that both men and women change their original roles of wife and husband. As wife and husband people tend to be a bit more frisky without having the pressures of filling the roles of mother and father. But if you think back to when you just boyfriend and girlfriend, thing may have been even better.

What happens is that we get into a mode of just one role and we forget about or just stop doing the things that was enjoyable previously. I'm not saying forget about your responsibilities, just remember that you are still both living, viable people with independent needs too, just like the little one.

I have noticed that many women tend to have the disease to please and give no less than 110% of themselves to others but seldom to themselves. Its extremely draining. But to change means to put yourself first but because of the 'morality police' we are taught that putting yourself first is a bad thing.

For instance, on an airplane when the attendants tell you that if the oxygen masks should drop, you should put yours on first and THEN your child's. Ever wonder why? Well, if you forgo taking care of yourself and something happens to you, would your little one be able to take care of him or herself without you? With that in mind, when you give so much of yourself that you aren't at 100%, is that fair to your family, including your husband?

I can go on about this forever, but I agree that us guys should help out as much as possible in the home with our wives. But also, we should still go out on dates (with our wives) and still make times for ourselves as a couple. This is necessary to keep that connection between one another and not grow apart.

Waiting it out will only widen the gap.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Do not pressure yourself or her bro... you know? Fire up the romance dept.. start teasing her, flirting... it's all due to having two kids, and a job.. tough to get love then. ...the best way I think to do this is, when you get that chance for some lovin's, take it for whatever it's worth, and do it like your very life depended on it. Take full advantage, lick her all over, take your time, make it last, kiss all over her body, do not leave an inch unlicked. Then afterwards, hold her, caress her, kiss her some more, smoke a cig, and if you aren't spent, have another go.... but most importantly, try not to assume she's not interested. Two kids bro... you and her have double duty, and having a sex life is tough I would assume. Thanks for your reply too btw.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
I agree with everything except giving it time and waiting it out. If you are standing in quicksand, the longer you wait, the more you sink.

The problem with starting a family is that both men and women change their original roles of wife and husband. As wife and husband people tend to be a bit more frisky without having the pressures of filling the roles of mother and father. But if you think back to when you just boyfriend and girlfriend, thing may have been even better.

What happens is that we get into a mode of just one role and we forget about or just stop doing the things that was enjoyable previously. I'm not saying forget about your responsibilities, just remember that you are still both living, viable people with independent needs too, just like the little one.

I have noticed that many women tend to have the disease to please and give no less than 110% of themselves to others but seldom to themselves. Its extremely draining. But to change means to put yourself first but because of the 'morality police' we are taught that putting yourself first is a bad thing.

For instance, on an airplane when the attendants tell you that if the oxygen masks should drop, you should put yours on first and THEN your child's. Ever wonder why? Well, if you forgo taking care of yourself and something happens to you, would your little one be able to take care of him or herself without you? With that in mind, when you give so much of yourself that you aren't at 100%, is that fair to your family, including your husband?

I can go on about this forever, but I agree that us guys should help out as much as possible in the home with our wives. But also, we should still go out on dates (with our wives) and still make times for ourselves as a couple. This is necessary to keep that connection between one another and not grow apart.

Waiting it out will only widen the gap.

Very good advise.

 

[blasmo]

Giver her time but at the same time start helping more around the house and with the kids. Give her "breaks" and days off where you take the kids and let her enjoy being by herself for a few hours so she can take a long hot bath or whatever it is that she wants to do. Don't forget to remind her that you love her and that you are on her side and buy her little things and cards from time to time.
Listen to the other posts, especially inlaws about taking advantage of that one time per month you have sex.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

I have to disagree about giving it time. I was with a women who had 3 kids, all young and you know I must of banged her about 3-4 times a day for a VERY long time. *shrugs* Maybe its just me, but I've never had a problem.

M.A.C.

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by Sexy_Malibu
Its called sleep deprivation and overloaded responsibilities. Give her time. Maybe try to help her out more and she'll feel better and want to be more "frisky"? Also ifthe hormones might still be affecting it additionally, especially if shes nursing. I didn't want to have sex for a long time after I had my baby, like I barely wanted it for a year or even more. And anyone who reads my posts knows I can't go a week without having sex, so believe me it is normal, it's NOT you, just be a good guy and be there for her and wait it out.

Bl bla bla bla bla. Crapola. This is why i never ask for advise from females.

A quicky once a month? Are you kidding me? That is crap, period, and you don't have to stand for it. Females think that just becuase they got you roped into a marriage/kids that they can let the sex life go down the shoot. This is why Im NEVER doing the marriage/kids thing. There sex drive goes down the crapper, your sexual needs aren't met, and then there "SHOCKED" when you cheat. And you WILL eventually cheat. Its such bullshi t.

My advise? Your only 28. You still have a few years left of being in the prime dating age. I say hire a lawyer, bite the bullet, and get a divorce. Your gonna pay a hefty child support payment, possibly some vagina - mony, and she is gonna get HALF of your money. Dam. young DJ's, take heed at this post. Don't do it.

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by Matt ala Casanova
I have to disagree about giving it time. I was with a women who had 3 kids, all young and you know I must of banged her about 3-4 times a day for a VERY long time. *shrugs* Maybe its just me, but I've never had a problem.

M.A.C.

LOL. Dude, they weren't YOUR kids. BIG difference. HUGE difference. This is exactly what happens. Girl has kids with man B, sex life soon goes down the crapper, they split, girl "Magically" finds her sex drive, always with a new guy C. I have seen it a thousand times.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

Assassin,

This is where all the theory gets put into practice. You're experiencing some misfortune and most of the advice you got here is worthless.

Your wife is acting in this fashion because you have, for a long time, failed to attract her anymore. She is no longer turned on by you. This stuff about giving her time and things changing after a woman gives birth is irrelevant and pure nonsense. As my friend Jake Steed would say: "Would she treat Brad Pitt like this if he were the father of her children?". No way. You should never accept this type of behavior, even if married for 50 years. What will this do to your self esteem for her to drip feed you orgasms once every few months WHEN SHE WANTS IT. Do not put up with this for one second longer.

Your choices; lucky for you, it's multiple choice.

1. You work at attracting her all over again (i.e. you create attraction just like you would if you were picking up a new chick cold). You re-seduce this woman all over again and win her over all over again. I'm not saying you buy her flowers and beg and grovel, that's what got you here in the first place. You go totally Alpha on her and attract her properly. To help illustrate what I mean, I'll quote my favorite passage from Machiavelli:

"I conclude that fortune is changeable wheareas men are obstinate in their ways, men prosper so long as fortune and policy are in accord, and when there is a clash they fail. I hold strongly to this: that it is better to be impetuous than circumspect; because fortune is a woman and if she is to be submissive it is necessary to beat and coerce her. Experience shows that she is more often subdued by men who do this than those who act coldly".


2. You can simply boot her and be done with it. You've got kids with her and you'll be paying a fortune to her for her lazy self and the kids, but at least you'll have your self respect and freedom to live your live as you choose while she can drive some other poor sap crazy with her nonsense.

3. You can leave things as they are and start having very discreet affairs.

Good luck.

Cesare Cardinali

 

[assasin]

Thank you all for your advice. I'm not prepared to walk away from this at his time, she's a great girl in all other respects. On the other hand I'm not going to hang around until she puts me in the friends zone and goes and finds some other bloke to fill the hole in her life.

Sexy_Malibu
I didn't want to have sex for a long time after I had my baby, like I barely wanted it for a year or even more

This is encouraging. Thank you for your reassurance. I can live with it being a hormonal thing on teh assumption that it is temporary.

InLawsHateMe
when you get that chance for some lovin's, take it for whatever it's worth, and do it like your very life depended on it.

Of course I should be doing this anyway, but I don't. Thanks for reminding me. You're a great DJ. I'll make sure to re-read the sexual techniques section of the bible.

Francisco d'Anconia
I have noticed that many women tend to have the disease to please and give no less than 110% of themselves to others but seldom to themselves. Its extremely draining.

Excellent point. Excellent post thank you.

blasmo
Give her "breaks" and days off where you take the kids and let her enjoy being by herself for a few hours so she can take a long hot bath or whatever it is that she wants to do

Following on from Francisco's advice here. but I have to be careful. I took this too far last time when the first was born. Sex stayed fairly healthy but the other 22-23 hours a day were a living hell. We simply couldn't have a civil conversation. I went totally subservient and she despised me for it. I guess I need to find the fine line.

myfriendblu
My advise? Your only 28. You still have a few years left of being in the prime dating age. I say hire a lawyer, bite the bullet, and get a divorce. Your gonna pay a hefty child support payment, possibly some vagina - mony, and she is gonna get HALF of your money. Dam. young DJ's, take heed at this post. Don't do it.

This is DJ'ing in the extreme. You simply can't take this cavalier attitude to life when you're in my situation. You want to know how much half my money works out at? over £100,000 cash (GBP)and a little less than £1000 a month for the next 15 years ((£180,000) that's a grand total of £280,000. In us dollars that works out at $447,338.

Would you like to reconsider your advice? I don't know about everyone else but for that kind of money I'd be inclined to put up with quite a lot.

Cesare Cardinali
What will this do to your self esteem for her to drip feed you orgasms once every few months WHEN SHE WANTS IT.

It really messes with my self esteem, not to mention chewing my heart out every time I talk to any girl above a 7.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm goign to give it three months picking up the slack around the house. Cleaning, cooking, redecorating you name it, she's going to have an easy time of it for a while. In the meantime I'm going to try dating her again as cesare suggested, and going all out on the seduction front. If I'm still getting red flags after three months we'll look again at the other options.

I'll post a follow-up. Thanks

Ps bp, mule, I haven't responded to you directly but thanks for your comments, I will look at that book bp.

 

[bp1974]

Here's a quick summary from memory of what that book I recommended says. I may not get it exactly right:

- When a babies come along, the mother's attention and focus changes as does her role. Her role is now to give that child care

- Therefore the man gets put on the outside for a while. She's relying on him to deal with all the externals, freeing her up to give the child what it needs without worrying about the rest of the world

- At some point, about a year or so after birth I think, it's the man's role to 'reclaim' his wife, as it were. This is for her good as well as the childs, as it helps the child learn that mummy is separate to him, rather than a part of him that he controls by crying. It helps her by bringing her focus back a little from the child, and back into her partnership with the husband, which of course is where the foundation of a good family is.

That's about as much as I can remember, but I definitely recommend getting the book. It's very mainstream and well-accepted wisdom amongst family therapists.

bp1974

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by assasin

This is DJ'ing in the extreme. You simply can't take this cavalier attitude to life when you're in my situation. You want to know how much half my money works out at? over £100,000 cash (GBP)and a little less than £1000 a month for the next 15 years ((£180,000) that's a grand total of £280,000. In us dollars that works out at $447,338.

Would you like to reconsider your advice? I don't know about everyone else but for that kind of money I'd be inclined to put up with quite a lot.

Im not reconsidering anything. Your the guy that DID NOT GET A PRE - NUP agreement before you got married. had you gotten that, you would have gotten away scott clean, aside from the child support.

If any of you DJ's are considering marriage in the future, may I HIGHLY suggest a pre-nup.

Extreme? I say a no putting out wife is extreme is ya ask me. You know why divorce is expensive? BECAUSE IT IS WORTH IT.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Originally posted by myfriendblu
LOL. Dude, they weren't YOUR kids. BIG difference. HUGE difference. This is exactly what happens. Girl has kids with man B, sex life soon goes down the crapper, they split, girl "Magically" finds her sex drive, always with a new guy C. I have seen it a thousand times.

Not true...if you don't treat the women right, sooner or later she will treat you the same...its all relative, just different names and faces.

M.A.C.

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by Matt ala Casanova
Not true...if you don't treat the women right, sooner or later she will treat you the same...its all relative, just different names and faces.

M.A.C.

Thats true. However, you weren' the one dealing with the stress of having three kids with her, having to pay child support, going threw all the B.S. that is involved. Its much easier to sneak in from the outside, get what you want, and split, than it is for the real dad to juggle all the responsibilities yet still keep the romance alive.

thats why this happens so often.

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by assasin


So here's what I'm going to do. I'm goign to give it three months picking up the slack around the house. Cleaning, cooking, redecorating you name it, she's going to have an easy time of it for a while. In the meantime I'm going to try dating her again as cesare suggested, and going all out on the seduction front. If I'm still getting red flags after three months we'll look again at the other options.

.

Im telling you, thats a wasted three months. start planning your exit NOW. Call Adam(divorce attorneys who are really good with fathers, you can find info about them on the net)

You should NOT have to "start all over" or seducing her or all this hoopla everyone here is feeding you. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. its is NOT your fault. It is HER FAULT. She has FAILED YOU. Its her fault. She has lost her sex drive not you. Don't blame yourslef. Dump that bitc h, as tom Leykis would say.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Originally posted by myfriendblu
Thats true. However, you weren' the one dealing with the stress of having three kids with her, having to pay child support, going threw all the B.S. that is involved. Its much easier to sneak in from the outside, get what you want, and split, than it is for the real dad to juggle all the responsibilities yet still keep the romance alive.

thats why this happens so often.

Your opinion and obviously your experience. My situation was different. It's not all that different.

M.A.C.

 

[blasmo]

assasin,

that sounds like a good idea just make sure divorce is the last choice, for the kids sake. All dj'ing kinda goes out the window when you married except for a few exceptions.
Also remember that it isn't just about you now, but about the 2 beautiful kids you and your wife brought into this world and any decision you guys make must benefit them.