Another Lady asking for advice

[jophil28]

Ok not sure if you would consider him a DJ or a player, definetly not PUA. He is a mature man, divorced. His mentality is his way or the highway. He answers to no one. He knows how to create attraction and sexual tension. He goes MIA whenever he wants. Doesnt always call or show up. Definetly knows what he's doing in the bedroom and usually has more than one girl on the line

THis is more like the behavior of a player, than a DJ. The distinction is never clear because a DJ employs some 'player' strategies.

THe point is this - why do you want a guy who does not want you ?
That says something about YOU , and you need to unravel that 'something'.

 

[Latinoman]

Ok not sure if you would consider him a DJ or a player, definetly not PUA. He is a mature man, divorced. His mentality is his way or the highway. He answers to no one. He knows how to create attraction and sexual tension. He goes MIA whenever he wants. Doesnt always call or show up. Definetly knows what he's doing in the bedroom and usually has more than one girl on the line

He is a DJ in the area that he does what he wants. But a player in other areas.

How old is he?

I am assuming he is in his late 40s and early 50s.

 

[kathy]

He is a DJ in the area that he does what he wants. But a player in other areas.

How old is he?

I am assuming he is in his late 40s and early 50s.

He is 50.

 

[Latinoman]

By the way...a good man (not a "nice guy") will have some level of FAIRNESS. Why would you want to have a relationship with a man that does not treat you with fairness?

I am not saying this man is wrong. In fact, he is doing what makes him happy. All I am saying is that a man can do whatever he wants...and STILL treat the woman in his relationship with care and fairness.

This is making me believe that he has NO interest to be with you in a serious relationship.

I treat very fairly and with care the woman I pick to be in a relationship to the point that I take into consideration her feelings ("our" way, instead of "my" way). I also treat very well the ones that I don't want for a REAL relationship...but in these cases I apply the "my way or the highway".

 

[kathy]

THis is more like the behavior of a player, than a DJ. The distinction is never clear because a DJ employs some 'player' strategies.

THe point is this - why do you want a guy who does not want you ?
That says something about YOU , and you need to unravel that 'something'.

I wish I knew. Everything in my head tells me this is bad and Im gonna be hurt. But I am drawn to his persona. When Im with him I am absolutely happy

 

[Latinoman]

He is 50.

Well...he is your age. You are not an "older" woman to him.

I think he is happy with the way things are going RIGHT NOW. But I believe he might slow down with time (60s?). I don't know as I am 39 and don't have the perspective of a man in his 50s. Which we all know still a young man by today's standards.

 

[kathy]

Latinoman, he was involved with two of us and I just couldnt take it. I tried and tried. I really dont think he has intentions of committing with anyone

 

[logic1]

He is spinning plates. He is either doing this to find the right women for him or this is his way of life.

If you 2 have never talked about being exclusive , he is doing nothing wrong.

I sense this is his way of life. If your looking for something else I would suggest to bow out.

 

[RedPill]

Kathy,

In this forum we use the term DJ to mean a mature man who is comfortable in his masculinity, confident in his ability to create options, and accountable for his reality (or something to that effect). The way you phrased your original post suggested you were referring to what we'd call a PUA, or pick-up artist. This is why it's difficult to read what it is you're asking.

Masculine men don't have "hearts to be won over" so much as we have more primal needs to be met. I think that you're trying to interpret what's going on in a man's mind through a woman's intimacy filter. Feminine sexuality is what we're after; everything else is icing on the cake.

Obviously, in seeking a partner for a long-term relationship (which it appears you're seeking), there's more criteria to consider other than that, but for a man, sexual attraction is far and away the driver of a man's 'heart'.

You don't have to be the youngest or best looking woman to compete on this basis, but as Karma suggests, take advantage of the allure of a confident, experienced woman. You'll tilt the game significantly in your favor if you're able to view sexual dynamics through a man's intimacy filter.

This might strike you as unfair, but honestly, the best advice for you would be to take real good care of your body, grow your hair long if it isn't already, dress sexy yet classy, and be confident in your feminine sexuality. That, and stick around here for awhile to perhaps gain some deeper insights into human sexual dynamics. We won't bite... hard.

Bottom line: A woman's capacity to attract men is directly proportional to her sexual marketability.

This may or may not be what you're looking to hear, but I guarantee the stuff you get on this forum will be much more practical advice as truth-seeking is valued here over political correctness and pandering to people's ideals.

 

[Latinoman]

Latinoman, he was involved with two of us and I just couldnt take it. I tried and tried. I really dont think he has intentions of committing with anyone

Did you talk exclusivity with him?

I know from experience that if I am TRULY interested in a woman (and trust me, I am VERY selective) and she does not want to "share me"...that I would focus more on her. In fact, I would not want to share her either! (I wonder how he will react if you start dating other men).

But...if the woman allows me to see other women...then I would certainly do that. Why not? Having said that...I would NOT want to tell the one I truly care about that I'm sleeping with another woman. I was in a situation with a woman like you...she knew I was seeing somebody else. She was crazy for me and very happy as I treated very well. But I had no interest on having a long term relationship or any relationship (other than friendly and sexual) with her. I was very clear about that. The other woman did NOT know I was sleeping with another. The reason was because I had a serious interest in the "other" (the one that didn't know what's going on).

Does the other woman knows he is sleeping with you too?

 

[kathy]

He is spinning plates. He is either doing this to find the right women for him or this is his way of life.

If you 2 have never talked about being exclusive , he is doing nothing wrong.

I sense this is his way of life. If your looking for something else I would suggest to bow out.

I am familiar with the term spinning plates and youre absolutely correct. I think for now this is his way of life and he's quite content with it.

 

[kathy]

Latinoman, exactly the same circumstance as yours. She knows of me but not the extent of our past relationship

 

[iqqi]

First I would like to say it is very touching to see you all take Kathy so seriously, and really try to help.

But Kathy, a common viewpoint here at Sosuave is that women do not know what THEY want. I would definately say the same for men.

In that sense, asking a man how to get another man to feel or do something, while it may get you some very interesting perspectives and even some truths, it won't get you your answers.

Unfortunately, there is no site as good as this one, for woman. But a lot of the DJ Bible concepts apply to us to. I suggest you spend your time here reading the bible, and very importantly, some Pook and some Senor Fingers.

The DJ bible and those other posts are all about improving yourself, and your confidence, so that you know what to do in a situation with someone who is not treating you with the respect you want. I chose all of my words carefully here.

 

[Latinoman]

Latinoman, exactly the same circumstance as yours. She knows of me but not the extent of our past relationship

Were he sleeping with both of you during the same time frame?

I was sleeping with both. But I was interested in one (which I ended up in a relationship until several months ago). The other one, she was 29 and very good looking, but I did not want anything other than sex and some level of friendship (not the hang out type) as I liked her as a person too.

The one that was 29, knew I was having sex and was kind of involved with the other woman. The other woman did not know anything about the one that was 29 (in fact, never did).

I think your friend...he is comfortable with how his life is going. Why waste your time? Plenty of men out there.

 

[RedPill]

He is spinning plates. He is either doing this to find the right women for him or this is his way of life.

If you 2 have never talked about being exclusive , he is doing nothing wrong.

Agreed. Expectations must be clear.

 

[guru1000]

Kathy, Welcome to the Forum.

Scarcity ==> Value

I dont know the details of your relationship with this "DJ". However I can make a few assumptions,

1) You are readily available
2) He does not FEEL you could ever WALK AWAY

It seems he has interest but finds very little VALUE in you.

Can you blame him?

If you are a WOMAN of HIGH CHARACTER and REGARD you would have WALKED AWAY. Yet, you are still here because he has a STRANGE HOLD on you.

Then you ask but WHY does he treat me this way?

Kathy, the so called "DJ" has to KNOW you will not tolerate anything less than what you ask or you will walk away.

Cardinal Rule: The one who holds the power in the relationship is the one who needs the other the least. This is certainly not you. While you are WONDERING how to CAPTURE him, he is seeing another woman.

I would be doing you a disservice by telling you how to have him right where you want him. This would only be TEMPORARY because the real issue is inside and needs to be FIXED.

You need to WORK on your mental ability to REALIZE your worth and then BE VALUE. Then and only then will setting boundaries and walking away have merit.

 

[Interceptor]

Hello all. I came to this sight to check out the male insight of things after the recent visit from some of your members to LS. I am a member there but rarely post. I came here only to see if I could get some answers from a mans POV. Nothing else, Nothing more. And I will probably never post here again. I feel Im your old fashioned girl, gives her all, would never cheat, doesnt like games kind of person. My last relationship(if I can even call it that) was with the DJ type. I give him props as he's very good at it. I was never before introduced to these and yes the attraction for me was absolutely crazy. My question is... Is it ever possible to win someone like this heart? I mean what as a woman do I need to know in the future? Im sorry Im having a hard time verbalizing my question and hope you understand. I love this guy alot but it doesnt seem to matter too much

Kathy,
you seem like an amazing and truly good , sweet woman.

But, Kathy, what you are responding to is the effect of your Ego.

You want to get him and keep him so that he will be a more secure source of ego validation.

Youre responding to the way you feel when he was around.

This is your Ego talking. This is your Ego rising that makes you feel so good.
I learned that whenever , say for Men, whenever a pretty girl starts talking to a man, and he starts feeling kind of ****y and too cool all of a sudden, it is a RED FLAG!!!
It is ego validation he is experiencing. And that is dangerous.


You were very attracted to him, because he did all the right things within the context of ATTRACTION, not necessarily LTR maintenance.


In other words, you feel for the 'lover' personality, not a more well Rounded Masculine man whom can be a worthy and compatible and complimentary LTR partner.


You seek what many women seek, a lover personality within the framework of an LTR

the perfect blend of sexuality , challenge, yet stability, security, and the abilite to provide for you.

Unfortunatley, tis the same for a lot of guys, their self esteem is not too strong, and they keep looking for the super hottie that will validate them as men and as being desireable. Completely IGNORING the kind of CHARACTER she possesses.



But since their core foundation of self esteem is so low, they will never find the truly GOOD high character woman, whom is giving, nurturing, femenine, and truly deeply loves and respects him for who he is.
So thes men are operating only on the surface ATTRACTION Level, NOT the Personality and more importantly HIGH CHARACTER Level.

They will not find each other. They will not connect.

Because it is the BASE Self Esteem level that is not MATCHING.

Do you understand, Kathy?


Kathy, I do implore you to stick around a little in the forums.
My hunch is that you could use a little bit of the energy here from the men here, and learn from them. Dont be intimidated.
Learn to handle masculine enrgy. Dont be shy
The truly secure well rounded Femenine Lady is ALWAYS comfortable around masculine energy, from the gentleman to the cavemen
Do you see what Im getting at?


Be strong
We'll help you if we can, ok?

 

[romangod]

I wish I knew. Everything in my head tells me this is bad and Im gonna be hurt. But I am drawn to his persona. When Im with him I am absolutely happy

My two cents................................ You seem like a great catch for a man that wants to settle down with a loyal, honest woman. You should be asking yourself why you are attracted to a man that is not emotionally available to you. That might be the attraction but it can only do you harm. You should try and change the parameters of your attraction and focus on the "proverbial" nice guy that appreciates you. Your Ego is holding you back. Cheers!

 

[Latinoman]

Kathy, Welcome to the Forum.

Scarcity ==> Value

I dont know the details of your relationship with this "DJ". However I can make a few assumptions,

1) You are readily available
2) He does not FEEL you could ever WALK AWAY

It seems he has interest but finds very little VALUE in you.

Can you blame him?

If you are a WOMAN of HIGH CHARACTER and REGARD you would have WALKED AWAY. Yet, you are still here because he has a STRANGE HOLD on you.

Then you ask but WHY does he treat me this way?

Kathy, the so called "DJ" has to KNOW you will not tolerate anything less than what you ask or you will walk away.

Cardinal Rule: The one who holds the power in the relationship is the one who needs the other the least. This is certainly not you. While you are WONDERING how to CAPTURE him, he is seeing another woman.

I would be doing you a disservice by telling you how to have him right where you want him. This would only be TEMPORARY because the real issue is inside and needs to be FIXED.

You need to WORK on your mental ability to REALIZE your worth and then BE VALUE. Then and only then will setting boundaries and walking away have merit.

Exactly.

It is also about RESPECT...self-respect. I personally could not be with a woman (in a serious relationship) that lacked that self-respect. As a woman that lacks self-respect...is also a woman that will have difficulty understanding the concept of respect toward her man and how to make sure she does not contribute toward others disrespecting him. At least in the long term.

Funny that the women I ended up in relationships (committed relationship in which I introduced them as my "girlfriends") were the ones that made it clear to me they did not want to share me and talked to me about the concept of respect.

 

[guru1000]

Exactly.

It is also about RESPECT...self-respect. I personally could not be with a woman (in a serious relationship) that lacked that self-respect. As a woman that lacks self-respect...is also a woman that will have difficulty understanding the concept of respect toward her man and how to make sure she does not contribute toward others disrespecting him. At least in the long term.

Funny that the women I ended up in relationships (committed relationship in which I introduced them as my "girlfriends") were the ones that made it clear to me they did not want to share me and talked to me about the concept of respect.

:yes: