Another failed relationship...chest pains

[JackBauer]

Dear SoSuavers,

I was dating a women for 2 years and it is now over. Do they all wait until there is someone else before they have the courage to run away? I think this is branch swing right? How fitting because it really is an animalistic thing to do. Quite cruel in fact.

She pissed me off a few times and I tried to walk out on her but she ran at me and grabbed my arm and literally shouted DON'T GO! I believed she loved me I believe she could change and make effort in our relationship. Why didn't she let me go when I tried 2 or 3 times? Are all women like this?

I'm getting old and my body and mind are not so resilient as they used to be. Lately I have been having chest pains and I am worried that I will succumb to a heart attack before I reach 45. Some people have it lucky. They meet someone and each person acts normal and is lovey dovey with each other. Me on the other hand, I am just in a long term relationship and a rebound the whole time.

Earlier I played this game you all speak of. I learned these things back when Ross Jeffries came out and all of the DD stuff I made it part of who I am. Earlier she asked me to be exclusive but in a very indirect way. She was always very indirect. ARE YOU SEEING OTHER PEOPLE she asked. I said NO. She said GOOD BECAUSE I WOULD GO CRAZY and she laughed about it. I took that as she liked me and wanted me to be with only her. She was always an odd one. When she wanted to see me she would instead say WOULD YOU WANT TO HANG OUT? Always putting the ball in my court.

I am getting old and I thought by now I could be married or at least engaged. I wanted to maybe have a child before I am 35. Does anyone else become upset when time feels wasted on you and maybe you are used? I searched the forum and I red the paper so I know many men all over the world face problems with the health in these things.

I'm so tired and worn down. I have a constant dull headache and I have chest pains. I will get blood tests and physical on Wednesday to ensure I am ok.

JB

 

[guru1000]

Not enough info. What were the warning signs?

 

[Sinistar]

JB,

Breathe dude - just breathe!

When I was your age I figured I would never get married or have kids. Now at 43 I am married and have one child. I never expected it.

At your age you have way more time than you think. Just think if you did the following: Take some time off to get over this. Kill off that marriage/LTR goalstate. Start putting yourself first - ALWAYS! Get healthy if you're not. Start dating again - a lot. Over time, with high standards and past experience you'll know if you ever want to be married or not. Just think, a few years from now you might be dating a hot 28yr who thinks your the center of her world. She'll want to do everything with (and to you). And maybe then you'll be in the best position of your life to decide about the bigger things.

Now for the big question. Are you actually going to let this end for good? 90% of all guys will try to get back together, try to "talk it out", try to make it work, etc. If you go there the chest pains may subside but they'll be back again soon enough and probably worse.

Can you be the guy who says "IT'S OVER" and mean it? Can you turn into the pain instead of again and again trying to avoid it?

As guru said, more info is needed (both your ages, kids, LDR, other warning signs, your past relationship history, hers, etc)

 

[Warrior74]

Listen to this guy.

Focus on your health and your life. Women come to all men. Remember, bill gates has a wife and the janitor at your job has one too. So don't worry about women...worry about you.

 

[JackBauer]

both your ages
me 32 she 24
kids
none
LDR
I don't know what that means.
warning signs
She had a very bad mood sometime. very negative. She seemed most happy when meeting new people especially guys even if they were my friends she would have this big bright smile on her face like when she first met me. Also she seemed very detached and withdrawn at times and it almost made me feel like I want to be closer to her weird I know.
your past relationship history
I've had a string of bad relationships. 1st was bulimic she would dump me and try to come back over and over. 2nd one was more normal but ended rockily. 3rd was this one.
hers
She was on and off with a guy since 17. She cheated on him a few times. Seems like addictive personality type. Kind of a loner type but can be very friendly almost superficially on the surface.

PS I am worrying about me. If I'm in the wrong place to talk about my problems simply let me know and I will leave.

JB

 

[i-shine-regardless]

JB,

Breathe dude - just breathe!

When I was your age I figured I would never get married or have kids. Now at 43 I am married and have one child. I never expected it.

At your age you have way more time than you think. Just think if you did the following: Take some time off to get over this. Kill off that marriage/LTR goalstate. Start putting yourself first - ALWAYS! Get healthy if you're not. Start dating again - a lot. Over time, with high standards and past experience you'll know if you ever want to be married or not. Just think, a few years from now you might be dating a hot 28yr who thinks your the center of her world. She'll want to do everything with (and to you). And maybe then you'll be in the best position of your life to decide about the bigger things.

Now for the big question. Are you actually going to let this end for good? 90% of all guys will try to get back together, try to "talk it out", try to make it work, etc. If you go there the chest pains may subside but they'll be back again soon enough and probably worse.

Can you be the guy who says "IT'S OVER" and mean it? Can you turn into the pain instead of again and again trying to avoid it?

As guru said, more info is needed (both your ages, kids, LDR, other warning signs, your past relationship history, hers, etc)

Beautiful stuff. Just beautiful.

 

[JackBauer]

I already tried to talk it out. I already went there. She is with someone else now. I may have been a rebound. There is no question its over.

 

[sodbuster]

Get the physical,but chest pain can be as innocent as needing a chiropracter[rib or back out of alignment]. If the headaches are starting in the temple area-thats a chewing muscle, you may be clenching or grinding your teeth[happens during stress]

Be careful what you wish for --you may get it. NONE of the women you've dated would have been good for the 20 years you'd want to be married to raise kids. Think about your crazy wife raising crazy kids and all of them sh!tt!ng in your life

 

[Mr. Me]

I tried to walk out on her but she ran at me and grabbed my arm and literally shouted DON'T GO!

Why didn't she let me go when I tried 2 or 3 times?

You have to work on your inner strength and resolve.

'm getting old

32 is old? I thought 80 was old.

Some people have it lucky. They meet someone and each person acts normal and is lovey dovey with each other.

Don't let outward appearances fool you. You don't know what happens behind closed doors. Keep in mind that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, I'd suspect that another 30% are not divorcing (because of money or the kids or whatever) but not the happiest of couples. Toss in sexless marriages and those where the partners have given up, those that are conducting affairs, and maybe you're left with 5 to 10% of marriages are great. And that's marriages. Unmarried copuples probably also follow a similar pattern.

You're glamorizing what you think you don't have.

I am getting old and I thought by now I could be married or at least engaged.

This is part of the problem. You have a schedule for your life, but life doesn't heed schedules.

Start making better choices for yourself.

 

[Heretolearn]

only way its over is when YOU accept and want it to be.

Most important thing.

Sounds like this girl is afraid of rejcetion/low self esteem but who knows. Thats just from your post.

Point is you are letting this affect you too much. 32 man. GO rent some films of Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe who in their 40s looked much better than most 20 yr olds.

32 is NOTHING. Get fit, get focused on improving yourself.

Enjoy life. ITS HER LOSS. Accept that!

 

[Heretolearn]

oh,repeat after me 'not my problem anymore'

 

[backbreaker]

dude jackbauer is the ****, he has time to save america from terriorst and post on sosuave? jackbauer=FTW

 

[thedeparted]

american women are ho bags and will branch swing before dumping you, and will guilt trip you into not dumping them SPECIFICALLY so they can dump you two weeks later after they got a rebound to fvck them out of feeling anything bad. it's shltty. it's dishonest. it's juvenile. it's what they do every time. you want a nice little wifey, go someplace else, 200 years ago, when women had morals.

that said, the female problem has plagued man since adam. they are not worth marrying today. get over it. get something better to do. stop aspiring to be a slave to some kids who will hate you. get a hobby. have some fun. and maybe get some meds to relieve the anxiety before it kills you

PS the guys here will tell you not to do anything stupid. but I've always been more satisfied when I did. if you have the chance to fvck the bltch over down the road, or the guy who took her off your hands, go for it. seriously. even the score and you WILL feel better. just wait for a good moment

 

[AIRWARRIOR71]

32 is old? I thought 80 was old.



Don't let outward appearances fool you. You don't know what happens behind closed doors. Keep in mind that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, I'd suspect that another 30% are not divorcing (because of money or the kids or whatever) but not the happiest of couples. Toss in sexless marriages and those where the partners have given up, those that are conducting affairs, and maybe you're left with 5 to 10% of marriages are great. And that's marriages. Unmarried copuples probably also follow a similar pattern.

You're glamorizing what you think you don't have.



This is part of the problem. You have a schedule for your life, but life doesn't heed schedules.

Start making better choices for yourself.

In this case I am with MrMe...I am 37 and have gone through that "feeling old" phase...as well as chest pains at one point (results from being a USAF cop and not dealing with stress in my life correctly)...found out it was anxiety attacks...also had other problems making me feel "old". Found out I had an abdominal tumor that is basically inoperable but not malignant...very invasive though. I had surgery at one point where I had lost about 40 lbs and was not doing well overall (I think doc was surprised that I was still alive it was that bad). I was on all kinds of pain meds and other meds. Last thing I was worried about was getting a chick. I needed to take care of me.

I am now over a year since surgery and working to get my health back, but I am gaining some weight back and NOT letting life be dictated to me. I do have limitations, but hey, being medically retired from the USAF has allowed me time to get my head on straight and yes I am working on my hobbies to keep me busy. I have good income coming in and also give of myself to others since I am thankful for the good things I am granted.

The big thing to take from this is I am also relearning to live my life from a whole new perspective that I never thought to be a part of till I was a LOT older. I am single with all the things I need in my life...family, hobbies, passions...I love sports, and even if I can't do the things I want to do physically again, I am at least keeping up with what happens and adapting myself to things I CAN do...hehehe I have been on several caribbean cruises over time to reward myself or boost my sense of self. (Fellas...cruises are great places to practice your DJ skills of approach and conversations...C&F works....Even for a scrawny guy who still needs about 30 lbs to get back where he wants to be!)

Mainly I am not looking to add a female's needs into my life unless she fits into my life and ADDS VALUE to it. I know it may be selfish sounding, but how long would a chick keep up her IL in me if I can't give her what she wants in return (Long term is a partnership remember)? I am very open to dates and things of that nature (and haven't been a hermit either!), but I need to see to my needs first and foremost.

To get back on point, my advice is to forget about this chick and take care of numero UNO!! Get yourself a physical and find out what is wrong, what is causing the headaches and the chest pain. You need to take that deathly serious. Then I say go take a vacation...take some time to relax and get your head on straight and do things that make YOU happy. You do NOT need a chick to validate yourself.

Remember the important thing is that you live life like a kid going WEEEEEEEE!!!! (per the great pookster) and having fun! If a chick fits into your hobbies and interests and ADDS to your life, then you have found a decent fit...if she is "a lifestealing Biatch from which there is no escape" (Armageddon)...then you need to get the fangs out of your neck, beat feet the other direction and don't look back!

 

[speed dawg]

I will not consider myself old until at least 40.

 

[darkstarrr]

This place is turning into a virtual detonated mine field. This issue seems to becoming an epidemic. The trend seems to be parallel with generation X growing up into adults. People these days go in and out of relationships, sleeping with more and more people before they get married, and then divorcing sometimes multiple times. Are we digressing into animals?

 

[KontrollerX]

"Do they all wait until there is someone else before they have the courage to run away?"

Well the way it works is she goes over the scenario of "can I live without him?" for a few weeks or months before she starts shopping around for your replacement and after this question is answered she then decides to either go shopping for the replacement guy or take it further with some guy she's been talking to on the side.

Then the last bits of relationship happenings with you are attended to by her to give her something to remember you by and then she either busts out the LJBF a few days later or simply dissapears with or without leaving you a note.

Then she rides away on the new guy's c0ck into the sunset.

When she busts out the "can I live without him?" question your relationship had typically been on the rocks for quite some time and you may or may not of been aware of this fact as a guy can be completely oblivious to the end approaching as all appearances seem normal but really after a certain critical mass has come to a head in your relationship from the girl's perspective and you have dissapointed her in some way thats when the question comes up in her mind.

If she answers it immediately with a "yes" she begins shopping for your replacement immediately.

If she answers it with a "no or I'm not sure" your behavior will be monitored for a few more weeks and she'll engineer relationship crises's to see how you deal with them and if you fail her sh!t test the answer to the question then becomes "yes" and your days together are numbered.

A man can defeat this garbage if and only if he suspects a change in his woman either very bad or very good or cold and indifferent but the main thing is you see a massive change in your woman's behavior whether once again it was anything of the things I just said or a more subtle change which is harder to detect.

Your gut instinct typically will tip you off to something being wrong but most guy's ignore it in favor of needing concrete proof which they usually can never get before the girl screws them over and leaves on someother guy's c0ck so its almost always best for a guy to pay attention to his instincts making him aware of danger.

It seems almost like magical thinking and non logical to do this until you remember we are all still animals despite being "higher" animals and animals do have primitive instincts that alert them to danger so think of this instinct telling you your girl is up to no good or has changed in some negative or disturbing way to make your exit on her first and shut down her bullsh!t plans to do you in and trade you up and walk away happy about it because she got her cake and gets to eat the new one too.

 

[Mr. Me]

To add to KontrollerX's post above, women become what's called "emotionally divorced" when they're no longer "happy" in the relationship, but they don't exit at that point. That's when they have made their decision to end the relationship, but now they start to plan their exit for down the road. In the meantime, they've given up on the relationship, so no longer does the guy hear her nagging or any of her complaints or attempts to resolve conflicts or make the relationship work. In fact, she may be preoccupying herself (especially if she lives with you) with watching TV or surfing on the net or reading or with her hobbies or anything that creates distance where she doesn't have to deal with you anymore. She's turned herself off.

The clueless guy, now not hearing the nagging or arguments like he used to, thinks everything is cool. Little does he know what's really going on. Then when the bomb gets dropped, he's bewildered, thinking it came "all of a sudden", when it actually was maybe 6 months in planning.

That's why it's important, as KontrollerX wrote to detect the much more subtle changes, so as to nip problems in the bud before they get to the point of no return.

Anyhow, during the time she's planning her exit, she's also strengthening her disdain for you and her resolve to get out. Her mind's made up and she's now collecting the rest of the resentment she needs to ensure that she never looks back and is making the right choice. No matter what you do, nothing you do will be right at this point.

Yet lots of women can't stand to be alone, so they'll find their next victim first, whoever turns out to be the easiest mark. That's the person who'll "rescue" them or support them or doctor them and make them feel better. It appears that the only woman in history who couldn't find a guy to branch swing to, if she even wanted to, was Mother Teresa.

 

[Sinistar]

both your ages
me 32 she 24
kids
none
LDR
I don't know what that means.
warning signs
She had a very bad mood sometime. very negative. She seemed most happy when meeting new people especially guys even if they were my friends she would have this big bright smile on her face like when she first met me. Also she seemed very detached and withdrawn at times and it almost made me feel like I want to be closer to her weird I know.
your past relationship history
I've had a string of bad relationships. 1st was bulimic she would dump me and try to come back over and over. 2nd one was more normal but ended rockily. 3rd was this one.
hers
She was on and off with a guy since 17. She cheated on him a few times. Seems like addictive personality type. Kind of a loner type but can be very friendly almost superficially on the surface.

PS I am worrying about me. If I'm in the wrong place to talk about my problems simply let me know and I will leave.

I already tried to talk it out. I already went there. She is with someone else now. I may have been a rebound. There is no question its over.

JB

...let's start with the obvious. If you're here reading this post then you survived one day - most likely your worst day. You know every day will have ups and down but they will trend better and better if you do one thing - focus on moving on and not looking back. Also, you're in your mid-30's so unless you are extremely overweight or have a serious health issue the chest pains are probably a 99.9% chance of being stressed.

Your history. Three LTR's isn't so bad. This brings another question. Were all of the back to back with little or no alone/single time in between? If so, then we'll know a bit more to help you out. If not, don't sweat this part.

Her history. From what little you've said she's still basically stuck in a very juvenile understanding of relationships because she's never been out of one long enough to understand what it really means. And she's pretty young - great for dating but maybe a bit too young to be so serious with. BTW, congrats on pulling a younger woman (unfortunately just not a good one for you). Most guys your age start chasing 42yr olds because it's easier.

This wasn't a LDR (long distance relationship) so that's good. And no kids is even better since this is over and one with.

Despite what another poster said, women swing branches in more countries than just ours. However, if you need to work out some anger by all means get angry - just take it out in a healthy way.

From what I can tell she was the prize and owned the frame in your relationship. When you look at it from the outside you being in your 30's and her in her 20's that almost seems comical (but it's not). As you get into your 30's your knowledge of women should be increasing and you'll find yourself starting to have this dull indifference towards them - especially their actions. You mentioned her being detached and withdrawn and you wanting to be closer. Duh - she had the power in your relationship and when she started removing the prize you instinctively want to get it back again.

It sounds like you have committed to this being over and done with. Can you take the next step - with no kids and no common living arrangements can you completely move on. Zero contact. Never again.

Then do as the other guys are saying - get busy, work out, eat right, do guy sh!t. I'll add to that - unplug your TV (I don't give a crap if it's a 60" Flat Screen). Then unplug from all the BS around you. Start doing things (again if you had given them up). Get outside everyday even if it's crappy out. Without walls around you some of the stress has a way out. Meet new people. Start learning why you missed all the red flags. Try to figure out why you are so focused on being in a relationship. Get some good books (self help or whatever). Ask lots of questions here but do me a favor and try to focus on questions that will help you rather than dissect her.

And yes, you did come to right place. If you can be honest with the guys here they will help you through this and help you unplug for good. You'll learn in time that women are not evil or devious they're just being women and acting like women have for 1000's of years. It's us who miss the signals, tests and signs it's over. Then we get frustrated that they didn't just tell us (us expecting them to be like us!).

ps. KX's post on how things end for women and branching swinging is excellent. Read again if you have to to match up the warning signs you missed so that won't miss them again in the future.

 

[KontrollerX]

"This is for all women right, not excluding BPD's?"

Yeah it applies to all modern women in general but this is pretty much standard operating procedure for a BPD always.

For normal women I say its an in general thing because sometimes though it is rare a person may have been with a woman who was of high morals and values who breaks things off with no headgames and no 6 month planning or trading you up for a guy waiting in the wings. In other words she realizes things with you aren't working out so ends them outright. Brutal honesty certainly but honesty nevertheless as opposed to what you will get from the majority of today's women.

"I swear my ex BPD did this before we broke it off for good. We started living apart since we had internships about an hours away from each other but the last month she kept making me go to her place whether by school or her apartment near her job. I was simply tired and said no. she started doing more ****ed up **** like leaving me at a halloween party and i just went home. eventually all hell broke loose and she started fighting me and pouring mouthwash all over me and my place...im pretty sure the last one was BPD and not the sh!t test but who knows."

Wow yeah see I'm not surprised by anything BPD's do that is outrageous and just outright fvckin crazy.

There was a story just recently of a BPD in Australia who poured solvent on her husband's genitals while he was asleep and somehow this ended up killing him. Oh yeah now I remember she also set him on fire so that obviously had to of been what did him in.

When they asked her why she did it she said she was convinced he was cheating on her and the reason she gave for pouring the solvent on his genitals was she wanted to make sure his penis belonged to only her.

So yeah just a sampling of their fvcked up antics there.

You got off comparitively lucky it would seem.