Anger still harbouring

[Heretolearn]

It has been many months since my LTR

This is really politically incorrect and against the counsellor/psychologist way of thinking but I admit I am feeling it:

Admittedly I am interested in this question:

Who did my GF become interested in/go out with whilst she was with me?

*she told em she did and asked me if I wanted to know who, I said **** no at the time knowing it would only cause me pain and I might do something silly, and I did not care who it was I just wanted her.

Now I accepted she is no more yet this question interests me.

Not the actual person as that would hurt me and have no benefit but whether I know this person at all and how.

I feel betrayed not by GF but by this mystery person as they did not respect my relationship.

I especially feel betrayed if this person knew me or of the relaitonship. If her did not know because he did not ask then that is just as bad. If he asked and the girl lied then I would blame the girl


* I know some people think, the guy just did the guy thing and it is the woman's fault but I do not believe that.

I know it takes two to tango and admittedly both contributed but I feel there will always be demand but you can limit the supply by giving people morals.

THen typing this I realised the fuitility of focusing on supply...............


What are your thoughts on this?

 

[Heretolearn]

Just realised the last question I wrote, was really me saying this:

I have a lot of anger inside of me, I want to get rid of it. One way would be to take it out on someone or something. I do not want to take it out on something that is 'good' such as my former GF.

I want to destroy something and justify it by saying it is bad. Thus I could destroy the 'new guy' thus releasing my anger.

Maybe in the 1800s but not now

How is one supposed to release their anger in our modern times? * counselling etc excluded as that is coming to terms with it.


* I am still interested in the question though at general non personal sense!

 

[WestCoaster]

Let it go. My thoughts on this are quit analyzing. The term paralysis by analysis fits in here, you're killing yourself for no good reason. It's done. AFCs sit around and analyze, DJs move on.

Also, another theme here is why did she do this, why did she do that?

Here's why: because she's a woman. Women live for the emotional moment, period. They would rather have short-term pleasure knowing it will cause long-term pain. This is why women rarely make good CEOs and managers, because they act on the moment and what's good for them with little regard for other people's feelings or welfare. If that sounds harsh or sexist, tough sh-t, it's true. My current boss is a woman and a great boss ... she's the only good woman I've worked for, the others were freaking disasters.

Let it all go, women don't even know what they're thinking, and why they're thinking. Their "agendas" aren't really that, they're just feeling. They live by the moment.

And in this instance, your moment is to move on. Who cares what her motives are? She's just another clueless broad who will have a lifetime of misery.

You just dodged a bullet -- be thankful for that.

* The other person in this outside relationship? Just another clueless, dumb-a$$ AFC who is bringing true manhood down.

Move on.

 

[speedo_meme]

Punching bag or weightlifting. Don't do anything stupid that will ultimately land you an asswhipping or in jail....

 

[Heretolearn]

I have trained martial arts and in the gym for almost a decade - that does not help

I have controlled my emotions for so long I am not sure it is good anymore. I actually would like to release them for once.

I keep my emotions in not because I think it is good or me but because of society saying too.

Frustrating!

 

[WestCoaster]

You guys on this site are always mad at the wrong person. Some guy here said if he ever caught his GF cheating he would fight THE GUY. WTF -- the girl is the problem, the guy is just a willing participant. No one put a gun to the girl's head and said, "spread 'em."

I'm not advocating hitting your ex-gf, please don't do that ... but you are totally mad at the wrong person. It's your ex-gf's problem, not this mystery dude.

Why is this so hard to understand for you guys. It's the GAL'S problem, she's the cheater, she's the slime, she's the ONE WHO DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE.

Do you guys read the articles and DJ Bible on this site or just jump to the message board.

Quit cutting this 'ho some slack ... she's just a dirty 'ho. She's the one who didn't respect your relationship, not the mystery dude.

Hint: Don't take a logic class, you'd flunk it in no time.

Repeat after me: She's a WH-RE.

 

[Captain AFC]

I had tons of anger myself, and I had feeling similar to what you were experiencing, even though the situation was not entirely the same (no cheating involved, but I was quickly "replaced," even if those were only brief).

I wanted to stalk around town, find the dude and just lay him out. But over time, you realize two things that occur when you release aggression or anguish, both of which end up gratifying the woman's existence.

1.) You empower her because not only did she drop you on your head, but now you're validating her existence throughout all of it. Go ahead, lay out the dude, punch a hole in the wall, get plastered, do anything. You'll find that while part of that is inside of you, the other half of that desire is really you acting out your care for that other person. In essense, you're still "courting" the person, even though they've just shown that they don't give a rats ass (never mind what they "say." I heard a lot of htings too, but in retrospect, it was all social politics. I was bawling my eyes out sincerely... she was posturing).

2.) You get yourself in trouble, or appear aggressive, hence wasting time and making yourself less "marketable" for the future. Releasing your anger ends leading you down a destructive path. You're just destroying you. Meanwhile, the significant other is walking on the spoils, triumphant and fully justified. Not only did she leave you, but now you've nullfied yourself so that even the pain of leaving is insignificant.


I found, for myself lately, that any of my antics or desires to "unleash" were just to get her attention, even if she would never know about it. It had nothing to do with what I actually wanted. I like to have a drink now and again. But I hate getting plastered. She loved getting plastered, to the point of incoherence. I tried that once... and then wondered why I ever did that. It didn't make the pain go away. Even drunk men know this truth; they just don't say it. It's all a show. It's all a show.

this isn't me trying to criticize you or call you out, but just an observation and something I'd like to point out, considering what I've done recently in the past. I haven't gotten into any trouble or anything, but I have done a few things that are completely uncharacteristic of myself. I essentially took on all the stupid behaviors that I did not like of my partner, and I was only doing it cater to her favor. And she wasn't even around to witness it.

I stopped working out. I drank more than I'd ever drank in probably my entire life (and even then, I barely drank, so you kind of get a picture). I watched television shows that I really didn't care for. I wondered what she was doing, who she was with, and whole plethora of things. Heck, I still wonder where she is and what she's doing. It's a sick sad cycle. And it's unfortunate that so many relationships, for both men and women, always seem to have this one-sidedness story to them. The story of, "Well, I thought this person was the whole world. They decided that I just "don't work out" and left, all the while cursing my name. I still love them, in spite of all that."

Interesting phenomenon.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by WestCoaster
You guys on this site are always mad at the wrong person. Some guy here said if he ever caught his GF cheating he would fight THE GUY. WTF -- the girl is the problem, the guy is just a willing participant. No one put a gun to the girl's head and said, "spread 'em."

Exactly. It has NOTHING to do with the guy. Your issue should be with THE WOMAN. Unless you know the guy he doesn't owe you jack with regards to respecting your relationship. If your woman is gonna be a ho and cheat on you, SHE'S the one who broke the contract.

I will have to admit that during my recent breakup I might have felt like whacking the guy upside his head a couple of times, but I would NEVER do it. It only took me a few seconds to come to my senses and realize that directing my anger towards a third party is fruitless.

Get out there and do something (meet women!) to FORGET about the ex. After "many months" you shouldn't be giving her more than a passing thought.

 

[Heretolearn]

Good replies guys, thanks!

I knew some would say blame the woman but that is as I posted originally - it is also the guy

I mean you steal a girl away from a relationship and you have screwed yourself and the other guy. Yourself because you have no chance of a proper relationship as she will just leave you in turn as you created a cycle.

As for me, I am explaining my feelings - I would not do anything to the guy normally but I want an excuse to!

Big time!

Just a little thing would tip me over the edge. That is why I am avoiding her and any place she might be at all costs!

 

[Yotuki]

Originally posted by yendor28
Good replies guys, thanks!

I knew some would say blame the woman but that is as I posted originally - it is also the guy

I mean you steal a girl away from a relationship and you have screwed yourself and the other guy. Yourself because you have no chance of a proper relationship as she will just leave you in turn as you created a cycle.

I agree with you that the guy in this instance is setting himself up with a girl who has a proven track record for being unfaithful. I've never understood why anyone in this position, male or female, would think that they are so awesome that the person they are "stealing" would never treat them in the same fashion. If they've done it before, they have the capacity to do it again, so why would someone KNOWINGLY go into a relationship with someone like this? Well who knows... I guess in this case, maybe the guy doesn't even want a relationship, but was just looking to have fun...

And we could probably argue back and forth on this for a while, but I don't think that it's possible to "steal" a girlfriend/boyfriend. They have to want to go, and that's not stealing, that's them thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

It's ok to be mad at the other guy in your case, but it's not his fault. Not in the slightest. It's your ex's fault. She didn't have the common courtesy to break up with you before pursuing another relationship. Count yourself lucky that you didn't pursue the relationship deeper than you did, because that shows her deeper character.

 

[STR8UP]

Originally posted by Yotuki
And we could probably argue back and forth on this for a while, but I don't think that it's possible to "steal" a girlfriend/boyfriend. They have to want to go, and that's not stealing, that's them thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

Yea, the only way you can say that someone 'stole' your girlfriend or wife is if they gagged and duct taped them before throwing them in the trunk of their car.

 

[Heretolearn]

Originally posted by yendor28
It has been many months since my LTR

This is really politically incorrect and against the counsellor/psychologist way of thinking but I admit I am feeling it:

Admittedly I am interested in this question:

Who did my GF become interested in/go out with whilst she was with me?

*she told em she did and asked me if I wanted to know who, I said **** no at the time knowing it would only cause me pain and I might do something silly, and I did not care who it was I just wanted her.

Now I accepted she is no more yet this question interests me.

Not the actual person as that would hurt me and have no benefit but whether I know this person at all and how.

I feel betrayed not by GF but by this mystery person as they did not respect my relationship.

I especially feel betrayed if this person knew me or of the relaitonship. If her did not know because he did not ask then that is just as bad. If he asked and the girl lied then I would blame the girl


* I know some people think, the guy just did the guy thing and it is the woman's fault but I do not believe that.

I know it takes two to tango and admittedly both contributed but I feel there will always be demand but you can limit the supply by giving people morals.

THen typing this I realised the fuitility of focusing on supply...............


What are your thoughts on this?

Never did I say 'stole' but disrespected my relationship.

She did not cheat on me (so I am told ) but did tell me she ended the relationship because of another guy.

But I speak from the other side too, in my younger days I 'stole' someone's gf.

I should tell that story for our benefit

girl with guy 5 yrs, I end up with her about 6 months then I break up due to lifestyle differences and relationship not going anywhere.

She goes back to original bf for some time then leaves him for another guy, original BF goes crazy. She has a couple of flings then goes back to original BF (currently) and she contacted me recently saying she does not 'feel it' with him.

Be warned gentlemen

 

[newbie81]

Originally posted by yendor28
It has been many months since my LTR

This is really politically incorrect and against the counsellor/psychologist way of thinking but I admit I am feeling it:

Admittedly I am interested in this question:

Who did my GF become interested in/go out with whilst she was with me?

*she told em she did and asked me if I wanted to know who, I said **** no at the time knowing it would only cause me pain and I might do something silly, and I did not care who it was I just wanted her.

Now I accepted she is no more yet this question interests me.

Not the actual person as that would hurt me and have no benefit but whether I know this person at all and how.

I feel betrayed not by GF but by this mystery person as they did not respect my relationship.

I especially feel betrayed if this person knew me or of the relaitonship. If her did not know because he did not ask then that is just as bad. If he asked and the girl lied then I would blame the girl


* I know some people think, the guy just did the guy thing and it is the woman's fault but I do not believe that.

I know it takes two to tango and admittedly both contributed but I feel there will always be demand but you can limit the supply by giving people morals.

THen typing this I realised the fuitility of focusing on supply...............


What are your thoughts on this?

Well everybody has his rules & morals i guess.

For me when I'm single & get to know women, if they are in a ltr, I leave them alone. First reason it's too much work, second reason enough women available, third reason: out of respect of the guy she dates with.

Of course if the girls is with somebody else for just a short period (example 1 month), I don't care about the other one. But I have respect for +2months LTRs.

I for myself am in a 8month LTR right now.
All of my gf's male friends who also knows me, didn't felt like, for example, going for a drink with her (the two of them) once we were 3months together, reason for it: she was in an LTR. Even if she asked it, they didn't want to. Those deserve respect!

There's only one exception: one of her male friends keeps on calling/smsing/... her for months. The guy is a straight AFC, his single for +1year, had a 5year relationship, keeps telling women about what "happened" to him, of course the women have compassion for him...
Anyway, the guy knows me, even talks to me when I see him (always asking where my gf is, asking me to tell her to phone him for stupid reasons lol)
Once I tested him by telling him something about my gf in confidence. The very next day he phoned my gf & told it to her. So he evens tries to tear us apart.

3 billion women, and still he wants this one, a woman already taken, AFC i tell you. And there are more people like him.

I act like I don't see. My gf: I don't speak about it. She doesn't suspect a thing, I know he's into her. I know she doesn't even see this.


To answer your question:

You can't stop somebody to destroy your LTR.
-Ignore those people
-Ignore what they say
-Ignore what they say about you to your woman
-show no jealousy
-Be a man to your woman

And if she still wants to leave you for another, well life goes on.
If you did what you do & she leaves, the she's the problem
If you didn't do what you & she leaves, then you were the problem.

The other guy isn't the reason why she left ! It is either her or you.


peace.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Dr. Tomassi's prescription

YENDOR, you need some medicine so I'm writing you a prescription:

Make at least one cold approach per day with full eye contact. Fvck at least 10 different women before you consider your next LTR and have at last 5 to select from IF and WHEN you do.

Your anger over the past is the focus of your energy because you have few options. If you had more plates spinning you wouldn't have the time to stew over how some woman did this or that to you, nor would you exert the effort it takes to grind your teeth over what you "shoulda done."

It's easy to say "move on" or "get over it", but you need to rechannel your energy to your advantage. One thing drug addiction counselors and behaviorists advocate is exchanging one set of undesired behaviors for another desirable set of behaviors. Anger is merely the manifestation of an internal energy, I suggest you use it.

Anger is also an expression of discontent, and truth be told, there really is no such thing as contentment. However there are two forms of discontent - constructive and destructive discontent. Focus this discontent on creative, productive pursuits and deemphasize destructive manifestations of this discontent. Ergo, better yourself with the energy you have bottled up now.

Don't view yourself in a pitiable manner or think less of yourself for having this energy. I envy you actually, I struggle every day to keep my edge, but you have this impetus now.

Anger is a gift

 

[Nighthawk]

You want revenge. The only satisfying method is to find a better girl.

 

[DoubleA]

Yendor,

I know exactly how you feel. I felt that way at one time or another. It ok to be angry.

Someone said hitting the weights helps. It does. Hitting the punching bag helps. It does.

I know hearing, "let it go." doesn't help the situation. But hearing "stop caring." does. You care entirely too much. Nothing wrong with that because it's a testament to how you felt about her. Now you see how much you cared, but it's time to stop caring about her and do for you.

Who cares who she's with. Your life is much better now without the excess baggage. Do something new with your life. Learn how to skydive. Take a trip. Save your money. Meet a someone new and sex the sh1t outta her. Do what I want to do learn to snowboard.

Just do the things that make you happy...

 

[MightyMate]

You got betrayed by the girl not the person. Anyways id like to know who it is if i were You. Remember. He got the girl, because she let him. Shes the ***** not him. Hes the dog who took what was given.

 

[Heretolearn]

AS FOR ME
---------------

Thank you everyone!

I have created a new awesome life for myself but I have not let go if you know what I mean.

THank you for your wonderful advice. As far as spinning plates go as they say I have done that at first by effort and now by habit. There are absolutely amazing girls out there and so much fun etc.

Unlimited wealth of opportunities both girls and otherwise.

Since my breakup I have become so much fitter and stronger from teh gym (renewed vigour ) At first it was her I thought abou there. Now it is me.

My martial arts dipped from not training at first then I started training in private (and secret) with the instructor of our (the girl and I trained together) instructor. This guy is in his 60s but could kick my arse via email

He is just an amazing smart, dedicated and fit individual. I am getting places in my training now that I never dreamed of.

Much time will pass and I will be great but then blam I have a bad thought or dream. I push it out of my head. That is no problem

Nevertheless, I am concerned that I harbour this inside me. Even if it is dormant I do not want it or at least what to understand it and put it in the right place!

AS FOR THE TOPIC
--------------------------

Chatting to some of my DJ friends and we all agree that there are guys out there who can seduce virtually anyone, if only for a night.

It happens a lot. Now I know what you say about the girl which I fully understand but I still feel the guys like that are also the problem.

I am not alone either in that in the past men would literally die for fighting for a woman.

I wonder where that has gone

*sidenote: I also find that girls love 2 guys fighting for them so perhaps create the situation?

 

[Heretolearn]

oh yeah - one more thing as for me:

I just want to cry. I know this sounds silly or whatever but I used to be able to let out my emotions.

Maybe because I started training in the gym and martial arts regularly, this activity does not release it for me anymore

*that was why i posted already that I have trained for many years.

I guess cryng is a good potion. I cry sometimes in sad movies, maybe that is the way to go?

**this is just for me though gentlemen not for the ladies

 

[Wyldfire]

yendor...your anger is most likely really pain. Guys have the tendency to mask their pain with anger. When you realized you were cheated on you likely felt betrayed and inadequate. Although you did probably make some mistakes in the relationship, hindsight is 20/20 and your ex was wrong for cheating. She wasn't loyal or devoted to you or the relationship. That means she wasn't a good woman. Good women don't treat the man she is with in that fashion.

Instead of being hurt and angry...be thankful that you found out before you got married or had children. Now, you can turn this into a positive if you choose to. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Ask yourself what it was about her type that attracts you. Did you try to "save" her or be a "rescuer"? Most men try that one...and it never works. You can't fix anyone else, just yourself.

Once you figure out what the clues were that this woman would treat you badly...don't repeat the mistake in choosing a partner again. Look deep within yourself and find out what it is about you that made you want such a bad woman in your life.

If you do these things it will go a very long way in improving how you feel. Just don't wallow in the negative feelings because once you start to do that it's really hard to get away from it.