Am I being too quick to "next"?

[tryst type]

Recently I've noticed a pattern about me where I'm quick to delete a girl's number if in the middle of texting where I'm leading the interaction to set up a meet she leaves with something along the lines of "I'll text you when I'm out of work" or "let me get back to you in a bit" in which I never hear from them again.

It used to be that the following day I'd send out a teasing text to re-initiate but now it just seems like too much work and I see their lack to text back originally as a sign that she's not someone I'd want around.

But I can't help but question if I'm too hasty to cut all ties unless she reaches out to me first. It sure as hell feels better though lol

 

[iqqi]

It's a known phenomenon that you feel better when you reject someone before they can potentially reject you.

It doesn't lead to connections however, that is for sure.

I'd advise a better method of dealing with flakiness from people you don't have a connection with yet, but could possibly one day.

 

[tryst type]

What usually happens though is retrying to establish contact after she said she'll be in touch is a power shift. Inevitably she feels better about herself and prolongs a meet up. I've noticed this many times when situations like this develop.

 

[pdx1138]

no, you're doing the right thing Tryst. (nexting)

If a woman is interested in you, she will text you back
or be pro-active in communicating with you.

If they are not communicating, they have other options. Keep the number, you never know, they might want to "hook up" later. I usually only delete a phone number after not hearing back from them for 4 weeks. But I never send another text if they flake and don't get back to me.

 

[iqqi]

What usually happens though is retrying to establish contact after she said she'll be in touch is a power shift. Inevitably she feels better about herself and prolongs a meet up. I've noticed this many times when situations like this develop.

Who cares if she feels better about herself?

Isn't that a sad thing for someone to feel better about themselves about?

This is what I do. If someone who I met, girl or guy, seems kind of flaky, then they go into my possible social circle invitee list. And then every now and then, when I throw a party or decide to invite a bunch of people to some event or night out, they get the same text that I send to a few other people. I am going to said event with or without them in particular, and usually a few other people, so I don't care too much if they come or not. But if they do come, and we have a good time, then there is a much bigger possibility that we will be friends in the future.

 

[st_99]

Imo, you care too much and are taking things too personally.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I always word my texts or speech in a way (even from the get-go) that she's never gonna see me again. It's a one foot out the door, always, even after fvcking. I'm never fully committed. That usually keeps them interested, but I Know EVERY girl will slip up with my standards, and will get dropped in time. They're too stupid to know what they did/said wrong, and I won't tell them what they did/said wrong, I just drop em, and make it a secret agent case for them to try to get back into my life. They'd have to go to extreme lengths to get in touch with me again or to track me down. Cutting ties with a doh-doh bird is very fun to do. I have almost as much fun doing that than fvcking her. She (almost All women) will never know what she did wrong. I won't tell her. They never know because they're too stupid, even if I told them, they'd STILL be too stupid to try to figure it out, Even If they tried to REALLY really really concentrate as to what behavior or words spoken they did, caused my view of her to grow dimmer. They could squint their eyes and study, grapple, twist, turn, bite their tongues, to try to find out what mistake she was making to make me not want to be around her anymore, to cut her off, and they'll never Get It (they're always Talking about us guys not "Gettin'....IT!" in their stupid little magazines etc but THEY REALLY don't get it, what would cause a Real man to just say, "Fvck it, I just frankly don't want to be with her anymore" see Rhett Bulter's "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" turns his back and on to the next clueless hoe.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Tryst,
I agree with you....It's a good sign when you feel confident enough to Next them....Plenty more lolly Pops in the lolly shop....long texting interfaces are not conducive to romance though....In the early stages long Phone conversations are also counter productive...There is a big difference between what People say and what they really feel....Body language is never wrong though...With relationships that have been svexually fulfilling,I am extremely reluctant to let go,I slide out and leave plenty of opportunity to rekindle a downsized version for later...If you are a Man who wants it every day that't the only way to go.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Iqqi,
"It's a known phenomenon that you feel better when you reject someone before they can potentially reject you."....That's very good,rather profound really...Never thought of it like that before....Of course in one way you are right,but if you have tried the other approach you do get a sixth sense about the probability of losing self pride and gaining nothing...The prevailing DJ Mantra that you just have to swallow your pride and keep on hitting,has much to recommend it,but developing a hide like Jessy the Elephant does have a down side.

 

[backbreaker]

i believe you are doing old school anti dump machine nexting the way it was originally meant to be done.

IMHO the main problem with men is that they take too much of a defensive position with women and dating rather than offensive. meaning, they look for reasons not to next a woman and hope that somehow magically the light is just going to come on and she's going to get it rather than looking for obvious signs of attraction.

I believe in nexting so much that my business model is based around it; i don't follow up with clients. i refuse to. you shouldn't have to follow up with an interested client. a client who sees the value in what you do, you don't have to call him back to get his business. And yeah I loss money that way I know i do but all of my clients are great clients. I used to spend 80% of my time dealing with the ****ty 20% of clients who i had to chase down and work them half to death to get an agreement on a deal, fvck that. let them run someone else in the ground.

if women do / did not show me obvious signs of interest, fvck texting? I mean like putting her tongue down my throat-bye. If i went on a date and I felt that a woman was being too reserved and playing around = bye. **** i looked for yellow flags fvck red. I only want to deal with womenw ho are highly interested in dealing with me, not half assed interested. even if that meant me not going on as many dates.

but i would lose the big exit speech just delete the number. even if they call you back like a month later what does that tell you? she wasn't interested and now she is? why is that, beucase her first option isn't available now and now you are? again, bye.

I mean make no mistake we have to do work too. It's not like you are on a date and you are on this throne and you have women just doing **** for your entertainment and you give teh thumb up or down. but assuming that I bring my A game to the date dammit she better have hers too.

 

[tryst type]

IMHO the main problem with men is that they take too much of a defensive position with women and dating rather than offensive. meaning, they look for reasons not to next a woman and hope that somehow magically the light is just going to come on and she's going to get it rather than looking for obvious signs of attraction.

I believe in nexting so much that my business model is based around it; i don't follow up with clients. i refuse to. you shouldn't have to follow up with an interested client. a client who sees the value in what you do, you don't have to call him back to get his business. And yeah I loss money that way I know i do but all of my clients are great clients. I used to spend 80% of my time dealing with the ****ty 20% of clients who i had to chase down and work them half to death to get an agreement on a deal, fvck that. let them run someone else in the ground.

if women do / did not show me obvious signs of interest, fvck texting? I mean like putting her tongue down my throat-bye. If i went on a date and I felt that a woman was being too reserved and playing around = bye. **** i looked for yellow flags fvck red. I only want to deal with womenw ho are highly interested in dealing with me, not half assed interested. even if that meant me not going on as many dates.

Exactly. I used to be one that needed to raise a girl's interest after the initial meet if I didn't do a great job but enough to get a number exchange (which now I only give out my number)

I'm a strong believer in doing less work and getting the best results with women. When I wouldn't next so quick I'd be left with this confusion of a problem I just had to fix (get the girl interested!) but that like I've said before only gives her more power over the situation and inflates her ego to the point that she makes it even harder to ever get together.

Reason I'm still a little doubtful about this new approach is like so many other guys I'm conditioned to be the hunter and chase the girl down until she sees just how great I am, again, waste of usually too much energy especially in this technological/social media era where there's more than two ways to contact any particular girl and have her make it twice as hard to ever see her in person.

 

[Zarky]

OP, IMHO you're doing the right thing. When you have a plethora of women from which to choose, you will 'next' at the drop of a hat. AND you will get so you can pick up on their vibe quickly, 'next,' and not waste your time or money.

These days I have absolutely no patience with women who aren't DTF and who don't do what I want them to do immediately. I can sense when they're trying to control the relationship, and I'm having none of it. At least at first. Later on I'll give in a little and have things more equal. But at first, she better be compliant, that's my main test.

If a woman doesn't pass my compliance tests quickly and easily, it's a next. And, interestingly, often nexting her will cause her to come forth and pursue you. The trick is knowing when to "soft" next and "hard" next.

Here's an example. I was talking with a chick online. I have a very sexual profile so immediately if a chick reads it and continues conversing with me, she has complied with that. This chick was continuing to talk with me but was trying to control where and when we were going to get together and what we were going to do. I told her "You seem difficult to deal with, I think we're very different and I can see this is going nowhere" and stopped talking with her. A week later she texted me (I hadn't deleted her number) and suggested we get together and screw. I went over and literally within 10 minutes of meeting her for the first time we were screwing on her couch.

A week or so later, she said specifically, "When you turned me down, it made me want you. I wasn't sure I wanted you until you turned me down."

This was about 3 weeks ago. We still get together, in fact I spent the night with her last night. Every once in awhile she tries to control things; I slap her down (figuratively) or do a takeaway (mini-next) and she's good to go for another week.

 

[tryst type]

Here's an example. I was talking with a chick online. I have a very sexual profile so immediately if a chick reads it and continues conversing with me, she has complied with that. This chick was continuing to talk with me but was trying to control where and when we were going to get together and what we were going to do. I told her "You seem difficult to deal with, I think we're very different and I can see this is going nowhere" and stopped talking with her. A week later she texted me (I hadn't deleted her number) and suggested we get together and screw. I went over and literally within 10 minutes of meeting her for the first time we were screwing on her couch

Nice. This reminds me of a similar experience with a girl from an online dating site. We exchanged numbers and she was ALWAYS trying to control the interaction and being difficult. I would instantly reframe her tests to which she would feel powerless.

Well as we were about to make plans (she's 40 min away btw) I suggested we meet half way in a small town to chat in person for a bit and then take it from there. Her response: "No there's nothing there, how about you come here. Pick me up"

I say: "Pick you up? Haha no thanks. Meet at (town's name) chat a bit and see what happens" Her response: "Not happening, this is where you stop trying sorry :/" So I simply said "Ok bye"

Now I know because of the type of girl she was part of her must have assumed I'd instantly supplicate and do as she wishes. My quick NEXT mindset left me feeling even better about the situation.

 

[Zarky]

I suggested we meet half way in a small town to chat in person for a bit and then take it from there. Her response: "No there's nothing there, how about you come here. Pick me up"

This is where I would have nexted, without the following "haha no thanks" stuff. Any time a woman tries to upgrade a date it's an instant next. I mean instant. I will not put up with a woman trying to control me, especially before we've even met. (Although admittedly, chatting in a "small town" sounds pretty dull to me.)

If she had said something like, "Are you sure? There's really nothing in that town," that would be one thing. But her demeanor was controlling.

I would have simply responded to that, "I'm sorry but I don't think this is going to work out." 80% of the time that's it, 20% of the time they pause awhile and then make a generous counter-offer.

 

[backbreaker]

I mean some common sense has to be used. if ti's nothing to do in the town she was in, she probably just wants to do something enjoyable. nothing wrong with that. you have to have some common sense leeway. like i usually do not like woment elling me what we are diong for a date but one girl i ended up dating for a year called me and said look there is a play i really want to see and it's only showing for 3 days, you are taking me. it was a great play (dreamgirls) and it ended up working out in the long run. we had a great time.

but like if i call a woman and say hey let's go to the zoo or let's go bowling, i like to bowl a lot it's a faimly thing, and she says no let's go out to eat xxxx wrong answer bye

 

[jcdenton]

if women do / did not show me obvious signs of interest, fvck texting? I mean like putting her tongue down my throat-bye. If i went on a date and I felt that a woman was being too reserved and playing around = bye. **** i looked for yellow flags fvck red. I only want to deal with womenw ho are highly interested in dealing with me, not half assed interested. even if that meant me not going on as many dates.

This is pretty spot on. If you are going to err, I think it's better to err on the side of (passively) dropping a girl. You really do save a lot of time and energy by eliminating low interest level girls as quickly as possible. And, as has been mentioned, being able to drop a girl is a good sign that you have a healthy abundance mentality.

 

[EastWind]

OP, I know how you feel. I'm still trying to find the best position on NEXTing. Right now I'm pretty much doing it like Anti-Dump suggested... as backbreaker pointed out, you're pretty much up his alley.

For example, I'm still not sure I made the right call here. Had a girl text me after the first date, went on a very nice second one with heavy making-out in the park at night. However, on the second date, she invited me to go to Madrid with her on one of her business trip (basically, the hotel would have been paid for), but the flights were too expensive for just four days PLUS, I dunno about you guys, but a woman inviting me to spend four days with her in a hotel room on just the SECOND date is a flag. I wouldn't invite someone who is, basically, still a total stranger to fly with me to Madrid, at least no on the second date.

Long story short, she texts me two days later, the exchange went something like:

Her: I'm booking a hotel with a pool, sure you don't want to come?
Me: Sorry, that's just too expensive for just four days. You'll be able to go without me for a few days, right? When do you get back exactly?
Her: Well, you do always make it real easy for me with messages like that one. How nice of you! Have to sleep, work tomorrow.
Me: Sometimes even I say stupid things. Night. <deletes number>

Not sure whether I was too quick deleting her number, but that bit about me making it easy to not miss me with messages like that just pissed me off. A friend of mine pointed out she might just have been "negging" me, but that's not how it's supposed to work. It's borderline disrespectful. Dunno what you guys' opinions on this are.

On a side note, this is why texting sucks. I usually have a strict no-texting policy, but sometimes I just can't be arsed calling the girl.

 

[tryst type]

Her: I'm booking a hotel with a pool, sure you don't want to come?
Me: Sorry, that's just too expensive for just four days. You'll be able to go without me for a few days, right? When do you get back exactly?
Her: Well, you do always make it real easy for me with messages like that one. How nice of you! Have to sleep, work tomorrow.
Me: Sometimes even I say stupid things. Night. <deletes number>

You shouldn't have said what you did, especially your last text. But over all I don't see this as her not interested so I don't get why you nexted? Maybe I'm missing something but just going off these text exchanges she more so sounds disappointed that you didn't want to accompany her rather than a low interest towards you.

 

[EastWind]

You shouldn't have said what you did, especially your last text. But over all I don't see this as her not interested so I don't get why you nexted? Maybe I'm missing something but just going off these text exchanges she more so sounds disappointed that you didn't want to accompany her rather than a low interest towards you.

Yeah, I see that it was stupid. I guess the combination of that stupid line and the fact her interest seemed to drop because of it made me next. I'll see if she calls.

She might have been disappointed, but it sounded like she mostly wanted some company and didn't care much for who it was. But a 400€ flight for a 4-day trip is just a bit steep.

 

[tryst type]

Yeah, I see that it was stupid. I guess the combination of that stupid line and the fact her interest seemed to drop because of it made me next. I'll see if she calls.

She might have been disappointed, but it sounded like she mostly wanted some company and didn't care much for who it was. But a 400€ flight for a 4-day trip is just a bit steep.

Well that's because you didn't jokingly suggest she pay for your ticket lol