Advice for the Lady

[jophil28]

All I want is an adult.

And that is exactly what most men also want in a female partner.
The problem for you is that you want a man in your life to act in his role of lover, friend, companion etc to YOU, but you are presenting yourself predominantly in your role of MOTHER of children who are not his.
Do you see what I am saying ? You have created a life in which your role of MOTHER is primary and your role of WOMAN is a distant second. SO now you are looking for a "connection" with a guy as a WOMAN, IF you can find any of your "rare" time left over when you are done mothering..

IF you want a man in your life you need to find ways to be a desirable WOMAN.
Just making yourself sexaully available wil only guarantee a few ONS..

 

[Max Power]

I am a quality person-I know that.

I'm sure you are a quality person who cares about her kids and there's nothing wrong with putting your kids first over some guy.

But .... you are not a quality candidate as far as dating or relationships go for someone who has options.

Dating: Makes it extra hard for a busy man with options to find a slot when you and him can go on a date because you have to arrange a baby sitter.

Relationships: A lot of men really don't want to spend their time and money on raising some "cheating abuser's" offsprings. If a man has a choice between someone with all your qualities and no kids and you (all things being equal), he will choose the woman without kids. Clean slate. So you really have to offer high value (that is to say extremely good looking) for you to land a guy who can pick and choose who he wants.

You wanted an honest answer.

A lot of times some newbies come to the boards and want to get with women and a lot people advise them not to get into a relationship and focus on themselves. I tell you maybe you should not get in a relationship or any kind (**** buddy/ FWB/ whatever) and focus on your children until they are school age.

 

[guru1000]

Hey Southerngal,

Like Value attracts Like Value.

A woman's value (Material) can be summed up as Looks + Quality + History(Marriage, Kids) + Compatibility.

When looking for a partner, make sure you are looking for one with congruent value.

Narrow your search to a Nice Guy, Looks similiar to yours with a family of his own.

If you CHOOSE to search for a single Man with no kids, protect that HEART. It is a Bold Venture.

Life is not over because you are a single MOM. Your selection process should be well scrutinized, filtered and less diverse.

Remember,

You are looking for Compatiblity. Part of this lies in a Man with similiar circumstance. Be Selective of who you CHOOSE to Attract.

 

[##17]

Relationships: A lot of men really don't want to spend their time and money on raising some "cheating abuser's" offsprings.

That's a very good point.

A guy will also be looking hard as to WHY SouthernGal married the 'cheating abuser' in the first place. At the very least, why she has two toddlers and no husband. It reflects badly on HER. And he should be looking hard, because becoming seriously involved with the wrong woman could be very costly for him. I mean, any smart WOMAN would look hard at the story of a divorced man with two small kids. It goes both ways.

Anyway, SG, not saying you're not a good person. Everyone makes mistakes, and you seem willing to sacrifice anything for your kids to be happy and safe. But I do want to warn you what's gonna be on your suitors' minds. So you might want to think now about what you will handle it.

But in a way, your situation is temporary though. Your kids won't be toddlers forever. When they are several years older, you still will be fairly young yourself (especially if you exercise and eat right), and they will be old enough to understand that Mom (not Mommy anymore) needs a social life with her peers too. It also won't be such a big deal to introduce your dates to your kids--it will be just like introducing your other friends to them.

 

[cordoncordon]

This thread is useless without pics.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

What is a 29 yr old single mom doing on site like sosuave? What sort of mother are you?

 

[SouthernGal]

Nobody:
SouthernGal is a VERY good mother. If you read my initial post, I simply asked for some advice and wanted that from a guy's perspective. I came here because I landed here during some personal research. I read some of the posts; everyone was honest with one another. Also, consider the fact that I, too, can provide perspectives and insight.

Throughout this thread, things I never considered were brought to my attention; while they may be ugly-I am thankful. Just because I am a mom doesn't mean I am not a human female. My being here is no reflection on my parenting skills-not that I have to justify that to you-but good to know.

#17:
I have been trying to look at single dads. I do feel a little better now and don't feel so screwed.

I guess these are my conclusions:
1. Interaction with men should include talking, establishing a friendship w/o sexual benefits. If it grows-great.
2. Stock up on batteries (haha kidding)

 

[##17]

All I want is an adult. If it progresses to more so be it. If not then that’s cool too. I don’t want to be viewed as just a piece-that is where the honesty comes in.
For example, I was physical (not all the way) with a guy recently. He is perfect to talk to as well. He, too is incredibly busy and younger. I would never expect him to consider me as more than a friend. Im afraid if I put the cards on the table, I will ruin everything. Truth is: I am afraid of getting hurt. I am a quality person-I know that, but I guess I gave up on a relationship a long time ago.

Look, you can continue your relationship with your friend. This would be my advice, from my experience.

(1) Appreciate the relationship for what it is. Right now, you're both giving each other friendship and sex without you hsving to give him any commitment beyond friendship. If that deal, as is, works for you, great. If you're just waiting for the day to 'put your cards on the table', then forget about it. (That is one of the things that I find frustrating about women in general. Instead of appreciating what they are already getting from a guy, they are pushing to see 'where the relationship is going'. Ewww.)

(2) If your relationship is working for you, think about what you are GIVING the guy, instead of what you are GETTING FROM the guy. When you hang out, make sure that your conversations are not just about you and your kids. They should be also about him, his interests, his career goals.

(3) You cannot expect a serious commitment from a man UNTIL he meets your kids. He just knows too little about you and your life. If that makes you only want to become casually involved with anyone, that's cool.

Anyway, I hope these all help.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Southern Gal,
You sound such a nice person.....I have to be honest most Men will see you as shopping for a Daddy,and at a Subliminal level,In your position it seems only natural....In a long life of serial relationships,I have had three with Mothers who had Children ,all were disastrous,generally the problem was not the Mother but the child....A lone Mother showers her Kids with affection,often even more accentuated by irrational feelings of guilt....I turn up and I am intruding in their Territory,I threaten the Cushy relationship with Mumsie...The little Buggers Uniformly without exception,did their damndest to Scupper the Relationship and All succeeded.In one case,a twelve year old boy became a real mate,we canoed,let off fireworks,we made Shanghais,Bows and arrows,we camped out,I helped him repair his bike...All great until one Afternoon he came home unexpectedly and found Mumsie and me in a mildly uncompromising situation....Well that was it...A couple of Days later the little Family turns up for A traditional English Roast Dinner,you know the score,Roast Lamb,Roasted spuds,Parsnips,Onions,baby potatoes Peas and Gravy....A Boys Dream Nose bag...The little sod crawled into a foetal position in a Lounge chair refused to talk,refused to eat,just sulked....Well Mumsie sucked it all up,Poor little Bunny Rabbit...but then it came out,I had hurt his feelings by something never really clarified that I had said to Bunnykins...Well that was it,we never spoke again....Well all except Bunnykins surprisingly he rang me out of the Blue one Morning and Said how sorry he was for breaking us up....Well looking down the Line of the Plow you see it all,after a few years...This young Bloke is now 17 years Old into drugs,been in Remand,unemployed....The good yeast was certainly in him and just maybe I might have helped if Mother Could have been Firmer

 

[jophil28]

Dear Southern Gal,

...In a long life of serial relationships,I have had three with Mothers who had Children ,all were disastrous,generally the problem was not the Mother but the child....A lone Mother showers her Kids with affection,often even more accentuated by irrational feelings of guilt

The problem is never the children - the problem is always the Mother. You need to look one layer down and you will see where the real problem lies.
Your story is common. The kids are just being kids - just selfish brats and as selfish as children can be.
The problem begins when single mothers use their children as sources of emotional intimacy and their motherhood becomes their reason to exist. These mothers cling to their children for all the wrong reasons and gradually recruit them to be her companions and her comforters.
TO ensure that the children will continue to be Mom's "friends" she creates a life of spoiled indulgence for the children to avoid a sitauation in which they might want to "go live with Dad " , The first thing that these women accomplish is removal of all the discipline in her parenting. The children are allowed to do whatever they please, with only superficail attempts by the mother to "be firm" , AS the kids get a little older they are treated like miniature adults ...
Then you walk into this foolishness - any wonder that single mothers rarely form successful second marriages ?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

The problem is never the children - the problem is always the Mother. You need to look one layer down and you will see where the real problem lies.
Your story is common. The kids are just being kids - just selfish brats and as selfish as children can be.
The problem begins when single mothers use their children as sources of emotional intimacy and their motherhood becomes their reason to exist. These mothers cling to their children for all the wrong reasons and gradually recruit them to be her companions and her comforters....

All true. Heaven forbid that women ever choose to give the men in their lives that much attention. Do you think that it would up the chance of the couple staying together if they actually turned toward one another after they have kids instead of turning away from one another?

 

[SouthernGal]

This sounds good. I will keep on with new friend-he is amazing. I think I only mentioned the kids twice. I asked A LOT about him; he had so many interesting stories. I have an advanced education so finding someone with substance is great for conversation. Finding someone not after my money would be nice. I do consider what I give vice what I receive (I always get accused of being "too" mother Teresa). I won't say anything and play it by ear. I don't expect this to ever be more than a friendship and am happy if things continue. We email daily, went out a couple of times. I can just hope for the best. I guess the good news here is he still talks to me after we went out last. If he was a jerk he wouldn't have spoken to me again. It was also nice to spend an evening talking with someone without catching him constantly staring at my chest (he may have, but I didn't catch him). I think I will be okay since my expectations are reasonable (not expecting this to develop into a relationship).

I will be honest-my life did come crashing down all at once. I gave up a best friend, and my other (female) stabbed me in the back. There was a guy, J, that I met when I was 16. We stayed in touch for years (he asked me out the whole time). I talk to him occassionally, but when I realized how I felt about him, I blew everything. We still talk, on occassion. I had subconscious feelings about him throughout the 13 years. I just want to know how NOT to mess things up with men.

I started early disciplining my kids. I did let them consume my time and dictate my schedule until recently. I was miserable. I figured out that I needed time for ME. I do consider myself a nice person. Yes, I have made mistakes-I live with those. I just need to figure out how to proceed when I meet a man without making it sound like ALL I want is a daddy or a ONS. I just want things to be simple. I like what I have with new friend, but not sure how to make it last or keep it. I tend to mess things up.

As far as new friend goes, he is 24, in college, and was enlisted now in reserves. He has his whole future ahead of him. All I can hope to do is be a good friend, provide good conversation, be a good shoulder, and hopefully if we grow as better friends he will learn from my story. He has such a big heart and I don't want him to get hurt. I don't bring my problems to him-I like to simply conversate about things (music, people watch, movies etc). I don't want to mess this up.

Now enough with the therapy stuff......

 

[Scaramouche]

Southern Gal,
I think you are great,what we in this country would call one Gutsy little Sheilah....You stand tall and proud like Caractacus standing before Caesor,you open your bathrobe to expose your Frailties and weaknesses but Unlike that Ancient British King you have not come for judgement but help...I confess to a little dissapointment in the churlish reaction some of our Brothers have shown you..Understand many of these guys have been really hurt by your Sisters and forgive them.

 

[NewMan]

In my opinion you have low self worth - that will be your No. 1 problem.

You don't see yourself as worthy - and your putting a number of issues/reasons on the table of WHY you can't get/keep/date a man.

Chances are, you new your kid's father was abusive (or had those tendancies) before you had kids with him.

If you can get over your self worth issues, you would not have to ask this question.

but to answer.

realise what you have to offer a man - and accentuate those points
Stop looking and talking about the negatives
Don't vomit up your history or fears
you don't need to talk about your kids and what johnny did yesterday

just my thoughts.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

A lot of what's been offered here thus far is standard fare about single mommies and how guys perceive them. Baby-daddy issues, scheduling, substitute father interviewing and how single guys are "supposed" to react to them. All of this is valid of course, but after reading your own take of your own situation I'm not so sure you're really aware of (or are in denial of) your own conditions.

So it sounds like I am pretty much screwed. Im not single resulting from some kind of feminist movement crap. I like a guy to challenge me etc. I am a single mom bc I am divorced from a bad person (cheater, abusive). I don’t seek a relationship bc I know the majority of men don’t want the “baggage” of my babies. Additionally, I don’t want to risk hurting my kids. They are first. I am all they have and in a way they are all I have. All I want is an adult. If it progresses to more so be it. If not then that’s cool too. I don’t want to be viewed as just a piece-that is where the honesty comes in.

You are a textbook example of what I call Proactive Infidelity. You knocked it out with the Bad Boy (abusive, cheater) who was a "challenge" and got you excited. I'm going to assume both your children were by him and if one is now 4 y.o. this would mean you were at oldest 24 y.o. when you became pregnant. Now that the Bad Boy has proven himself unreliable in sharing parental investment responsibilities, the guy you DO end up in an LTR or marriage with necessarily MUST assume the Bad Boy's responsibilities and liabilities. Single mothers love to convince themselves that they aren't shopping for a "new daddy", but the undeniable, unavoidable truth is that whether or not this is a conscious effort on her part, this is what the next guy, usually the Nice Guy, MUST deal with. Mr. Dependable, Mr. Loyal supporter/provider has no other choice but to assume parental investment that were never his. You bred with the Bad Boy and the Nice Guy raises your children. Any woman who can pull this off hits a biological jackpot.


The good news is that there are countlessly reinforced social conventions specifically designed with the latent purpose of making such a Nice Guy (essentially a proactive cuckold) think he's a martyr and held to be in the highest regard of manhood for "looking past" your situation and "loving you for who you are." Rest assured you'll eventually attract an AFC so conditioned to forgive your past indiscretions (essentially justifying and rewarding them) in exchange for the sexuality he's been deprived of for so long. Your intimate acceptance will only affirm his AFC beliefs and his "stepping up" to parent your kids will make him tolerable when he's not as exciting as the Bad Boy was.

Now all that may sound harsh, but it's important to understand just how tough a road you have to hoe. I'm very sure you don't want to be saddled with an AFC marriage of convenience, and neither do you want to be locked in with an abusive Bad Boy, so what do you do? First you understand where you're at and how you got to be who you are now. Own your indiscretions, own your mistakes. Being a single mother, despite the feminized social contrivance, doesn't make you a hero; it makes you a statistic. As I stated originally, any guy that accepts you intimately MUST deal with you as a single mother. This means he MUST accept your schedule, your children's schedule, their father's schedule, the emotional fallout from all this. You're asking him to want to be with you (even if this is just as a FB) in preference to a single, childless, generally younger and more sexually available woman. She's your competition. And in spite of all this he's expected to still be the Man. Your fundamental acknowledgment and showing a constant genuine appreciation for the sacrifice he makes to accommodate your past is essential to any LTR you have in the future. I'm not saying that your kids shouldn't be your first priority - they absolutely should - but it is imperative that you know and demonstrably appreciate ANY guy who'd make the concession to still entertain you intimately after knowing this.

 

[Rosemarie]

None of these guys has ever been a single mother, nor have they been a woman. I'm not sure they're a great source of advice here.

I became one when I literally inherited my niece and nephew. My sister and her husband were killed in a car accident a few years ago. They had the sense to make a will after they had my nephew, and the children were to go to me. Nobody, least of all me, had any idea that this would actually happen, but nobody ever really believes that their loved ones will die.

Horny liars have since crawled out of the woodwork, thinking I'm a cheap slut who "knocked it out with Bad Boy" and is now fair game. Do not demonstrably appreciate them, no matter how sweetly they talk. Do not give them any reason to think they're better than you are. Having been married to an abusive cheat is all the punishment you need for having married one. There's no reason to atone for it for the rest of your life, and no justice in that, either. Get therapy. It's a lot better than finding a man who will "put up with your past" and kissing his butt for the rest of your life, or for whatever time he condescends to spend with you.

Do not let this board reinforce your self-esteem issues. Do not let it define for you what it means to be a woman. Also, do not let it make the commitments of motherhood look like some kind of psychological pathology. Being unable to meet the needs of a man with no responsibilities because you have responsibilities doesn't make you faulty. It only makes the two of you incompatible.

Having said that, forming sane relationships as a single mother is next to impossible, mostly because you and any man you meet are highly likely to be on different pages in life. They're looking for honeymooning. You're already in family mode. This isn't a bad thing. Personally, I think it's a good thing. I'd rather go to Disney World than Cancun, and I'd especially rather go with kids. My kids have opened my world up to things I would never have discovered on my own.

When I need adult time, I have girlfriends, most of whom are mothers themselves. They're delighted to take an hour or two for coffee and grown-up conversation, as they have the same need, and there's the added bonus of help with the kids. We swap all kinds of stuff, like clothes, toys, babysitting and advice. Single men aren't likely to give you this.

They also cannot repair whatever damage led to your marriage, whether it was an abusive father or what. A therapist can help you with that. You can also learn to meet whatever needs you have yourself, whether it's getting together with a girlfriend to unwind or even buying an electric blanket to keep warm at night. Nothing worse for relationships than going into the negotiation with unmet needs. It puts you at the mercy of the other person in a very dangerous way.

I understand now that when I said yes to my sister's request to be named guardian of her children, I said no to any family of my own if I was going to do this right. It took some time and professional help to accept this.

However, I was also given a gift of incomparable price. It's one thing to get a smile and a hug from a child. It's another when that child is an orphan.

Your pay-offs will be different, but you can get them. They're there, and I can say this because there is no pre-determined path in this life to happiness. There's a unique happiness in every possibility, even being a divorced single mother. You will not get those joys from anything else, so learn to find and treasure them.

When my sister died, and I found myself with a mortgage I couldn't afford and two children who were nearly comatose with grief, I thought my life was over. I can now say that I never played so hard or laughed so hard as an unattached woman. I'm even glad to be a single mother, since my domestic responsibilities are less than they would be if I was married. It makes more time for fun. I will also be free when the kids are grown, which opens up all kinds of opportunities I wouldn't have if I were married.

I also learned while in therapy that the children of a single mother can do just as well as children in an intact family, provided that the mother remains single. It's not single motherhood per se that's the problem, it's the distractions, resource drain and even dangers involved in dating. Commit to the life you have now. It's the best thing you can do for your kids.

Your kids will still need you when they're school age. They'll even need you when they reach adolescence. They'll need someone to set the limits they don't have the cognitive development to set on their own. There will never, in other words, be a time when you can ditch the needs of your kids to be on call for Loverboy.

And you really don't want to hear what I have to say about a grown man who thinks he should be getting the care and attention required by small children! Neither men nor women should be walking black holes of unmet needs. People like that are destructive to everything they touch.

 

[Latinoman]

I am not a moralist and far from being the greatest man alive!

Some random points I want to make:

1- One night stands (ONS) is a lack of self-respect thing for both men and women. Make not mistake about that. Sleeping with a random man for one night is NOT a thing a person with self-respect would do. I mean, what about being selective?

2- You are 29 and with two toddlers, but you are dating a 24 year old “man”. Do you notice that this board has an age cutoff when it comes to who can post in the mature forum? Yes, 25-years-old is the cutoff age. But you as a mature woman with two toddlers are dating a man that is not old enough to be posting in the MATURE man forum! If you want other men to take you serious…revisit the type of men you are currently dating. I for one would have serious issues dating a woman that has children and her dating group consists of very young men or one-night-stands. Why? Because it tells me a lot about that woman priorities and self-respect.

3- A man with class that engage in a serious relationship with you will do that understanding that if he marries you or lives with you that he will have to become a positive influence to your children. Fact is, as a mother, your MINOR children are your number one priority (within reason as you should not neglect your husband). But once those children become ADULTS, then your husband shall become your number one priority.

I will expand more on this later tonight or tomorrow.

Anyway, I don’t think your life is “over”. There are PLENTY of “nice guys” out there. Furthermore, there are some DJs out there that have not issues being involved in a serious relationship with a woman that has children. But you have to go north in the age group if you want to be taken serious. A man your age or younger would have you JUST for the sex. An older man might still have you for the sex, but there might be exceptions too.

I have had FWB type relationships with single mothers. All of them good people. But I would NOT have a serious relationship with any of them (I might change my mind if I was older than my current age and you were 29). A man that goes into a relationship with a woman with children has to accept the fact that he has a responsibility to serve as a role model for her children too. That’s the way it is.

 

[Phyzzle]

I also learned while in therapy that the children of a single mother can do just as well as children in an intact family, provided that the mother remains single. It's not single motherhood per se that's the problem, it's the distractions, resource drain and even dangers involved in dating.

I did not know that, but it makes sense. I rather like that attitude, and I wish that more women would have it ingrained. The first man you are willing to have children with should be IT when it comes to your dating life. People should be so much more cautious. Instead, they feel too free to follow their feelings, and when things don't work out, hey, we can always trade the current lover in for a new one, after having a few kids. That attitude should be reversed.

I wonder what your opinion is on this article, which made the rounds on the news a while ago.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

 

[Latinoman]

None of these guys has ever been a single mother, nor have they been a woman. I'm not sure they're a great source of advice here.

I became one when I literally inherited my niece and nephew. My sister and her husband were killed in a car accident a few years ago. They had the sense to make a will after they had my nephew, and the children were to go to me. Nobody, least of all me, had any idea that this would actually happen, but nobody ever really believes that their loved ones will die.

Horny liars have since crawled out of the woodwork, thinking I'm a cheap slut who "knocked it out with Bad Boy" and is now fair game. Do not demonstrably appreciate them, no matter how sweetly they talk. Do not give them any reason to think they're better than you are. Having been married to an abusive cheat is all the punishment you need for having married one. There's no reason to atone for it for the rest of your life, and no justice in that, either. Get therapy. It's a lot better than finding a man who will "put up with your past" and kissing his butt for the rest of your life, or for whatever time he condescends to spend with you.

Do not let this board reinforce your self-esteem issues. Do not let it define for you what it means to be a woman. Also, do not let it make the commitments of motherhood look like some kind of psychological pathology. Being unable to meet the needs of a man with no responsibilities because you have responsibilities doesn't make you faulty. It only makes the two of you incompatible.

Having said that, forming sane relationships as a single mother is next to impossible, mostly because you and any man you meet are highly likely to be on different pages in life. They're looking for honeymooning. You're already in family mode. This isn't a bad thing. Personally, I think it's a good thing. I'd rather go to Disney World than Cancun, and I'd especially rather go with kids. My kids have opened my world up to things I would never have discovered on my own.

When I need adult time, I have girlfriends, most of whom are mothers themselves. They're delighted to take an hour or two for coffee and grown-up conversation, as they have the same need, and there's the added bonus of help with the kids. We swap all kinds of stuff, like clothes, toys, babysitting and advice. Single men aren't likely to give you this.

They also cannot repair whatever damage led to your marriage, whether it was an abusive father or what. A therapist can help you with that. You can also learn to meet whatever needs you have yourself, whether it's getting together with a girlfriend to unwind or even buying an electric blanket to keep warm at night. Nothing worse for relationships than going into the negotiation with unmet needs. It puts you at the mercy of the other person in a very dangerous way.

I understand now that when I said yes to my sister's request to be named guardian of her children, I said no to any family of my own if I was going to do this right. It took some time and professional help to accept this.

However, I was also given a gift of incomparable price. It's one thing to get a smile and a hug from a child. It's another when that child is an orphan.

Your pay-offs will be different, but you can get them. They're there, and I can say this because there is no pre-determined path in this life to happiness. There's a unique happiness in every possibility, even being a divorced single mother. You will not get those joys from anything else, so learn to find and treasure them.

When my sister died, and I found myself with a mortgage I couldn't afford and two children who were nearly comatose with grief, I thought my life was over. I can now say that I never played so hard or laughed so hard as an unattached woman. I'm even glad to be a single mother, since my domestic responsibilities are less than they would be if I was married. It makes more time for fun. I will also be free when the kids are grown, which opens up all kinds of opportunities I wouldn't have if I were married.

I also learned while in therapy that the children of a single mother can do just as well as children in an intact family, provided that the mother remains single. It's not single motherhood per se that's the problem, it's the distractions, resource drain and even dangers involved in dating. Commit to the life you have now. It's the best thing you can do for your kids.

Your kids will still need you when they're school age. They'll even need you when they reach adolescence. They'll need someone to set the limits they don't have the cognitive development to set on their own. There will never, in other words, be a time when you can ditch the needs of your kids to be on call for Loverboy.

And you really don't want to hear what I have to say about a grown man who thinks he should be getting the care and attention required by small children! Neither men nor women should be walking black holes of unmet needs. People like that are destructive to everything they touch.

Although you provided some solid advice...the issue here is that

1- She is asking men because she wants to know how men view women in her situation and what turn men off.

2- She obviously wants a MAN that can phuck her...not a girlfriend that can talk about changing diapers or their kids school recital. In essence, she want to feel wanted and have intimacy in her life.

3- She is already dating some 24-year-old kid. I for one are telling her that she is 29...so she is young (prime years for her) and that alone (assuming she is good looking) could be enough to hook a "nice guy" (AFC). There are plenty of nice-guys out there. She just has to decrease her standards a little.


I did say to avoid the one-night-stands and crap like that.

By the way...I am sorry about what happened to your sister and her husband. You are right...a LOT of men will approach a single-mother with one thing on mind...sex. I am one of those men...but I am VERY honest about that as I always tell them that I am not interested in having a serious relationship with them. Most don't care anyway.

29 and for that matter 32 are very good ages for women. Most 35+ men will go for women in the upper 20s...older men for the lower 30s. If those women have their stuff together...many of those men would be willing to have a serious relationship with those women. As there are a LOT of "nice guys" out there. But I am not one of them.

I also learned while in therapy that the children of a single mother can do just as well as children in an intact family, provided that the mother remains single. It's not single motherhood per se that's the problem, it's the distractions, resource drain and even dangers involved in dating.

That does not mean anything. Most married couples have an AFC Male that is a TERRIBLE father figure anyhow, which translate into weak future adults (boys growing into becoming AFCs, etc.). I strongly believe that children need a strong male figure in their lives. It teaches the boy how to apply positive masculinity...and teaches the girl how men should treat her. A strong male figure serve as an example for both male and female children. Of that I have not doubt.

 

[Rosemarie]

Although you provided some solid advice...the issue here is that

1- She is asking men because she wants to know how men view women in her situation and what turn men off.

How much does this really matter, though, when it comes to living the life she has to the best of her ability? Caring about what anyone thinks of her is less important than doing the best job she can with what she has to work with, and it can even trip her up. What a lot of men expect of single mothers can destroy her children if she panders to it.

2- She obviously wants a MAN that can phuck her...not a girlfriend that can talk about changing diapers or their kids school recital. In essence, she want to feel wanted and have intimacy in her life.

What she wants and what she has available to her are two different things. That's not a punishment, it's just life. It's always that way to some extent. Also, I seriously question how much real intimacy men offer single moms, keeping in mind that sex and intimacy are completely different things.

That, and where did you get the idea that girl-talk between mothers was all about the kids? Unless there's something major going on, that's the last thing we want to talk about. All of us had something going before we became mothers, and we will have something going when our children are grown. Coffee dates are part of how we stay in touch with that.

3- She is already dating some 24-year-old kid. I for one are telling her that she is 29...so she is young (prime years for her) and that alone (assuming she is good looking) could be enough to hook a "nice guy" (AFC). There are plenty of nice-guys out there. She just has to decrease her standards a little.

Decrease? Try increase. Low standards got her where she is now. Lowering them further isn't going to help her any, and the last thing she needs is an AFC. Under the best of circumstances, dating an AFC is like trying to drive with your brakes on, and her situation isn't the best of circumstances.

Even if she never dates again, this is better than being saddled with what you guys call an AFC.

By the way...I am sorry about what happened to your sister and her husband.

Thank you. I can't say we're over it or that we ever will be, but we're learning to live with it.

I strongly believe that children need a strong male figure in their lives. It teaches the boy how to apply positive masculinity...and teaches the girl how men should treat her. A strong male figure serve as an example for both male and female children. Of that I have not doubt.

Well, okay, but when you find one of these, you might as well have him bronzed and stuffed. They're just as rare as Prince Charmings.

I don't think this means that all men are bad. They're a mix of strengths and weaknesses, just like women. I do think that the whole Father Figure thing has been blown up to mythological proportions, and the standards are such that no flesh-and-blood man can live up to them perfectly. Certainly my father didn't and neither did my BIL, but nobody would call them weak or AFCs.

I really don't believe in living an imaginary life, one that includes whatever absent figure we think will save the world. I don't care whether it's Prince Charming or a Strong Father Figure, if it's not there, it's not there, and for every single one of us, there's something missing, even if it isn't one of these two things.

To put it in more personal terms, why should I stop living just because I know that Prince Charming isn't going to ride in and take away all of my sorrows, and why should I give up on my son/nephew just because there isn't a Father Figure sitting at the head of the table? Do I structure my life around looking for these two ideals in one man, which is pretty much what it would take to get them both into my life at once? Or do I live the life that's in front of me now as fully as I can?

I'd rather live, if for no other reason than because I'm having a really good time.