Advice for the Lady

[SouthernGal]

Wow. I have read some very interesting posts. I need some help and since most of you seem to be honest and not out to hurt anyone, here goes...

The Facts: 29, Female, Divorced mom of two toddlers, works full time, working on building self-esteem, being happier. Not seeking permanent relationship; however, not interested in whoring out.

I have met several men I am interested in and we talk and possibly hang out. What I am scared of is them thinking I am daddy shopping. I also don't want to be left and laid. I am willing to "buddy up" but I do expect a friendship beyond the sex. How do I approach or have a discussion with a man telling him my time is rare, but still communicate my expectations of casual hangouts and fooling around? I am a woman and yes there are night where he would need to engage with me in mind blowing sex. There may be a bad day at work where I just need a beer buddy. It is difficult for a woman with self respect to blow and go so thats not my intent.

I tried the honest approach, but never heard from him again. I gave it one more shot (different guy) and time will tell.

Ive never been in this type of relationship before. I respect myself too much to engage in a one night stand only. Any ideas?

 

[KontrollerX]

The honest approach that you are doing is the best way to find what you want and filter out those who are uninterested.

I think a lot of guys out there would be down for being your FB and also someone to hang out with but you just have to keep doing what you're doing and spell all of this out to guys and let them accept or reject this scenario.

Also I don't see how you would think having one night stands would be a disrespect to yourself.

So long as you were sober, chose the guy and decided in your mind and told him outright this is a one night only deal you get laid, he gets laid, you both are happy and go your own ways.

Simple.

 

[Max Power]

Why do you need a man to hang out and have a beer with?

 

[SouthernGal]

Max
I don't think the bar would serve my 4 year old. My job is very stressful and sometimes I just wanna hang out and have a beer. I was trying to convey that if I wanted to screw I would call, but if I just wanted I beer I would call. Sorry wasn't clear. I have had bad luck with female friends.

Kontroller
I wish it was that easy. I guess maybe I didn't spell it out clearly enough. I don't want to be binded in some relationship bc Im happy where I am, but a man can do things to me that two double AAs cant always do. It is easier to have an FB or two bc we can used to each other over time. The rule is: I dont wanna hear about the other FBs and I wont talk about my FBs.
I wish I didnt care about what people thought about me-but I do Maybe thats where the respect thing comes from.

Very interesting.

 

[logic1]

How do I approach or have a discussion with a man telling him my time is rare

This is what I turns me off of women with chilren. We all know kids are important and take time. I have kids and have been a kid before. We are not ingnorant when it comes to this. With this attitude all you will get is what you have experienced.

If you dont make time in your life for what you want it wont happen. Anytime I hear a women with kids start talking about how her kids and time come first I walk the other way. Total turnoff. You can have both.

And you dont have to neglect them to find time for other things in your life.

Oh, man those type of phrases out of a womens mouth go right thru me.

 

[ketostix]

This is what I turns me off of women with chilren. We all know kids are important and take time. I have kids and have been a kid before. We are not ingnorant when it comes to this. With this attitude all you will get is what you have experienced.

If you dont make time in your life for what you want it wont happen. Anytime I hear a women with kids start talking about how her kids and time come first I walk the other way. Total turnoff. You can have both.

And you dont have to neglect them to find time for other things in your life.

Oh, man those type of phrases out of a womens mouth go right thru me.

I think women using their kids as some kind of shield or an excuse for everything is the number 1 turnoff for most men. It's not so much that guys wouldn't date a woman with kids, it's how women typically handle the matter. Women never seem to get this point. It's annoying as fukk and one of the main reasons I don't usually even bother with a woman with kids.

 

[SouthernGal]

WOW! I NEVER thought of my message even being conveyed as using my kids a shield! Also I am guilty about NOT making time for myself. I guess when I tried in the past, I felt guilty, but if I don't find time for ME I could be cranky toward them.

I said the part about time being rare bc I can't just get up and go on the fly then again since they know I have a kid-they could deduce that fact!

Thank you MUCH. I appreciate the honesty. I just want some "mommy fun" without connecting my kids. It seems I am NOT properly communicating this. I don't want to be a turnoff....

 

[logic1]

SG

This is what you are conveying. Read your post again. I'm trying to help by showing you what will be a sticking point.

With your attitude with your precious time all you will experience is ONS. Lots and lots of men dont want relationships but they also dont want excuses everytime they want to do something. Your telling them it will be on your time frame and schedule. Might work for you for a short time but eventually they will go their merry way.

How do you see yourself having "mommy fun"?. I'm intrigued. Maybe even learn something. How do you expect your playmates to bahave? This is interesting.

 

[SouthernGal]

Is there an acronym dictionary somewhere?

Okay I do get it. Do understand that my babysitter resources are limited (VERY) so that is the only reason (not excuse) I would have for not being able to come out and play.

So it comes down to communicating the following to potential FB:
1. Not seeking seriousness/committment/baby daddy filler/money
2. Seeking fun (sex, movie, happy hour, drive in mountain-whatever)
3. Ready when I can be. Will make consorted effort to come out and play
4. I won't tell you about others, you don't tell me about others. Let me make you feel real good, you make me etc.

Okay so to do this with tact, taste, and without turning him off????

Mommy Fun-While I do enjoy Chutes and Ladders and Candyland with discussions about consonants and vowels, having an adult conversation and adult interaction is what I need. This is "mommy fun". I never said a playmate had to behave

 

[##17]

You can let it be known early on that you have kids and that you aren't looking for anything serious. No need to spell it out.

I'm not going to lie to you--you have extra challenges in dating. A single mom raises a lot of red flags to most guys. (And yes, this is coming from a guy who dated a single mom.) You say you are only looking for something more casual, but the truth is that there are a lot of guys who are 'playing for keeps' so to speak. So they might write you off for that reason. Also, a lot of quality guys who have a lot of choice might avoid dating you, partly because no man really wants to end up raising another man's kids. And partly because a man wants a woman who is all his--not a woman whose first priority is to someone else (even if that someone else is her kids).

 

[logic1]

You can let it be known early on that you have kids and that you aren't looking for anything serious. No need to spell it out.

I'm not going to lie to you--you have extra challenges in dating. A single mom raises a lot of red flags to most guys. (And yes, this is coming from a guy who dated a single mom.) You say you are only looking for something more casual, but the truth is that there are a lot of guys who are 'playing for keeps' so to speak. So they might write you off for that reason. Also, a lot of quality guys who have a lot of choice might avoid dating you, partly because no man really wants to end up raising another man's kids. And partly because a man wants a woman who is all his--not a woman whose first priority is to someone else (even if that someone else is her kids).

The above is what you have not taken into account. Read this a couple of times.

A qaulity man will not enter into this type of relationship. We have self respect too.

There are some who will jump on this. I would advise to screen them very closely. But they will end up being less than you expected.

Just something to think about.

Good luck

 

[Phyzzle]

Something else to think about: before laying the conditions out, you should at least be getting somewhat physical already.

You see, when a guy calls and asks to hang out for the first time, and you say, "uuh wait, fair warning, I'm not really looking for a relationship or anything like that, uhh, this is a crazy time in my life", he's going to assume the obvious: that you are not remotely attracted to him. He's probably going to give up right away. You have to admit, that is something you might say if you just plain don't like a guy. So hold back on the serious talk until it's clear through your actions that you're into him.

 

[positivity_injection]

single moms is a result of feminist movement, check the statistics

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Okay I do get it. Do understand that my babysitter resources are limited (VERY) so that is the only reason (not excuse) I would have for not being able to come out and play.
...
3. Ready when I can be. Will make consorted effort to come out and play...

This is the very thing that struck me when you started the thread. With this at its core, what else other than a FWB (friends with benefits) type of situation with guys? Really, because of your lack of availability, you need guys who don't mind being on speed dial for booty calls.

Don't expect to go out on real dates with any substance on a consistent basis with any guy who willing to date you without some type of commitment. The guys who are willing to spend time with you on your schedule will just want to get down to business if you catch my drift.

Given that, you're going to be defined by your actions. If your actions are that of a woman who doesn't want a commitment, has little time to give a guy yet you have certain needs you'd like fulfilled, then you will be look upon as such. The question is whether or not you're comfortable living with whatever label that signifies. Don't expect to put a tutu on an ostrich and expect people to see it as a ballerina.

 

[jophil28]

I think women using their kids as some kind of shield or an excuse for everything is the number 1 turnoff for most men. It's not so much that guys wouldn't date a woman with kids, it's how women typically handle the matter. Women never seem to get this point. It's annoying as fukk and one of the main reasons I don't usually even bother with a woman with kids.

I agree totally- women who prattle on about how "Limited" their time is OR how their children always come first and will always be their "priority" are shooting themselves in the foot. These women are headed for ONS only.
Telling a new man that "my children come first "does not come across as righteous and noble mothering - it comes across as the woman clinging to the shield of her motherhood for suspect reasons. IT can also appear to be her intention to try to get him attached to HER life like a barnacle on a boat.
Only the most AFC losers with no options would go for that deal.

This Gal talks about her "Self Respect" -well no man with any self respect would attach himself to a woman who has this attitude. The best that she can hope for is the occasional alcohol fueled booty call.
When I hear a new woman crap on about how her children "are my life" she goes to the absolute bottom of the pile OR automatically goes on IGNORE.

I agree with Keto - women are not smart enough to get this problem that they cause for themselves. THese are the women who talk about the problem of "no good men". There are plenty of good men, BUT we are just avoiding women who think that they can have any kind of relationship (FB or otherwise) with a man who is willing to allow her children to decide when she is available.

 

[jophil28]

Given that, you're going to be defined by your actions. If your actions are that of a woman who doesn't want a commitment, has little time to give a guy yet you have certain needs you'd like fulfilled, then you will be look upon as such. The question is whether or not you're comfortable living with whatever label that signifies. Don't expect to put a tutu on an ostrich and expect people to see it as a ballerina.

Read this a few time SG. It says exactly what you need to understand.

 

[SouthernGal]

So it sounds like I am pretty much screwed. Im not single resulting from some kind of feminist movement crap. I like a guy to challenge me etc. I am a single mom bc I am divorced from a bad person (cheater, abusive). I don’t seek a relationship bc I know the majority of men don’t want the “baggage” of my babies. Additionally, I don’t want to risk hurting my kids. They are first. I am all they have and in a way they are all I have. All I want is an adult. If it progresses to more so be it. If not then that’s cool too. I don’t want to be viewed as just a piece-that is where the honesty comes in.
For example, I was physical (not all the way) with a guy recently. He is perfect to talk to as well. He, too is incredibly busy and younger. I would never expect him to consider me as more than a friend. Im afraid if I put the cards on the table, I will ruin everything. Truth is: I am afraid of getting hurt. I am a quality person-I know that, but I guess I gave up on a relationship a long time ago.
Now what can I do? After reading the responses I feel like I can’t really do anything. If I get a FB (which we would also be friends-wouldn’t be just sx) then you’re right-a quality guy wouldn’t do that but then again Im a quality lady and I would.
My kids dont dictate my time; my ability to find a babysitter does.
I think too much.
I just need a hug I REALLY appreciate the honesty. That is why I am here. I never considered some of the things you mention.

 

[Phyzzle]

1. One night stand
2. Fvck buddy
3. Friends with benefits
4. Unofficially Together
5. In a Relationship

I'm guessing you want #3 or #4? You have to know the hierarchy!!

 

[Luthor Rex]

I am a quality person-I know that... you’re right-a quality guy wouldn’t do that but then again Im a quality lady and I would... I am a single mom bc I am divorced from a bad person (cheater, abusive).

1.) In the mating game, like tends to attract like. We generally end up with people like ourselves.

2.) You recoginize that a quality man would not act the way you act.

So why would you think you are a quality woman?

 

[RedPill]

If all the single moms would hook up with and take care of all the single dads who are getting bent over by the legal system, the world would be a better place.

In this arrangement, nobody has to worry about the stigma of having kids, and both parties can empathize with the time constraints of parental responsibilities.