Advice for the Lady

[jophil28]

Yup, time for me to bow out again. The truth is, I have absolutely nothing to say to the men here.

\

Bye Rosemarie- I agree that you have nothing to say - of any value .
You are so in love with your self righteous matrydom that it is pointless to continue this conversation.

BTW , Try a Toyota Tarargo in a nice olive green.

(And I BET that you reply to this because you NEED to have the last word)

 

[azanon]

It's gotten nothing but better from there, even though the men here don't approve of me much.

You actually seem like a nice lady/woman. You've demonstrated you don't fully understand the way normal, biological men work but hey, where's the harm in that? My wife doesn't fully understand me either. She knows she loves me because I do for her those things I mentioned earlier. I don't actually boast those things to her because it'd be an obvious turnoff as it was to you when I said them. We're discussing "just the facts, ma'am" here and it's not going to make any more sense to you than it would to my wife if she were to read my posts here.

My wife is actually a saint with "high values" such as yourself. Did you know that many a saintly women with high values like you marry guys like me? Tons of women out there have their dirty little secret (their man that's doing it for them). They probably snicker every now and then because they can hang out with their upstanding girl-friends who are mostly active in their church, yet go home to a man that's going to give them the animal, carnal treatment in bed and domineering, confident leadership in their marriage that gives them a super strong sense of security. What woman doesn't want a man that believes he can and is taking on the entire world and actually winning?

Thanks for stopping by, but this simply isn't the optimal place for a woman. Sosuave is designed to help men.

 

[##17]

Yeah, you do seem like a very good-hearted woman, Rosemary. I admire how you did step up to take care of your sister and BIL's children.

It's just the male-bashing that I don't like. SG asked us for our honest view, and we gave it to her. Pretty or not, we were honest. I suppose we could just give her strawberry-gumdrop advice, but then what good would that do?

 

[steve38]

As much as the thread-stealing, self-important Rose seems like a decent person (she really does), I have to assert my newly accepted DJ philosophy and retort resoundingly, NEXT.

 

[iqqi]

Is there an acronym dictionary somewhere?

Okay I do get it. Do understand that my babysitter resources are limited (VERY) so that is the only reason (not excuse) I would have for not being able to come out and play.

So it comes down to communicating the following to potential FB:
1. Not seeking seriousness/committment/baby daddy filler/money
2. Seeking fun (sex, movie, happy hour, drive in mountain-whatever)
3. Ready when I can be. Will make consorted effort to come out and play
4. I won't tell you about others, you don't tell me about others. Let me make you feel real good, you make me etc.

Okay so to do this with tact, taste, and without turning him off????

Mommy Fun-While I do enjoy Chutes and Ladders and Candyland with discussions about consonants and vowels, having an adult conversation and adult interaction is what I need. This is "mommy fun". I never said a playmate had to behave

Don't do this ALL at once. Communicate your rules or guidelines subtly, over the course of getting to know each other.

Nothing you want is out of the ordinary, actually.

And it is better to show than tell.

 

[iqqi]

Something else to think about: before laying the conditions out, you should at least be getting somewhat physical already.

You see, when a guy calls and asks to hang out for the first time, and you say, "uuh wait, fair warning, I'm not really looking for a relationship or anything like that, uhh, this is a crazy time in my life", he's going to assume the obvious: that you are not remotely attracted to him. He's probably going to give up right away. You have to admit, that is something you might say if you just plain don't like a guy. So hold back on the serious talk until it's clear through your actions that you're into him.

EXACTLY what I was getting at.

 

[iqqi]

Do not let this board reinforce your self-esteem issues. Do not let it define for you what it means to be a woman. Also, do not let it make the commitments of motherhood look like some kind of psychological pathology. Being unable to meet the needs of a man with no responsibilities because you have responsibilities doesn't make you faulty. It only makes the two of you incompatible...

Thank god for a voice of reason. Good to see you again Rosemarie, I sent you a PM earlier and was worried you'd never log on here to check it, so good to see you here!

I was getting p!ssed reading some of the responses to this thread, especially where posters were saying SG was not quality simply because she has children! Shows you the state of mind here.

I was going to write a similar post, but see Rosemarie has done a commendable job with this reality check.

Now, back to reading the rest of this thread....

 

[iqqi]

OK.

First, I have to agree with all that Rosemarie has said, almost. Southerngal, take all that to heart.

However, Rosie, I think you are selling yourself short on the man front. You CAN find a good quality partner, even while raising two children, and while keeping the two separate, until you could be sure the two could be merged. I've seen it done successfully.

I cannot agree strongly enough that a string of random men coming in and out of a single mom's life is HARMFUL and irresponsible. However, if the children are top priority, and you happen to be in the path of a great man sometime down the road, do not automatically shut the door. A date once a week will not destroy the family bonds.

And if said man is truly a rare "quality" one, aka one who meshes well with who you are, and with your values and life goals, then that just means you have met someone who will help you grow, just as anyone who comes into your life and is good will help you grow. And that is good, and ultimately what makes you a better person is best for you, and should be kept around and even involved in the rest of your life (the children).

In a way I agree with whoever said you might be using the kids as a buffer. I mean... you NEED to get some booty SOME time. Flat out. And I am with you when it comes to the whole ONS thing. Same as a trip to the gynecologist, lol, you couldn't have said it better! So meet men, get to know them, enjoy them. just keep it separate. Until/Unless you meet one that deserves a starring role.

What does Penkitten, the resident mother hen who found love even with four youngsters, have to say about all this?

 

[Latinoman]

Thank god for a voice of reason. Good to see you again Rosemarie, I sent you a PM earlier and was worried you'd never log on here to check it, so good to see you here!

I was getting p!ssed reading some of the responses to this thread, especially where posters were saying SG was not quality simply because she has children! Shows you the state of mind here.

I was going to write a similar post, but see Rosemarie has done a commendable job with this reality check.

Now, back to reading the rest of this thread....

So...let me get this straight. You went to that crappy forum in which a lot of frustrated women post and RECRUITED "Rosemary the martyr" to bring "voice of reason"?

What voice of reason she is bringing? The original poster WANTS to meet men. Rosemary wants to complain about men.

Rosemary is the typical BITTER woman in her 30s. That's why I typically say that I avoid women above 32 to 39. There are a NO. That's the bitterness ages. And she is bitter because men are trying to do to her what WE are clearly stating in here: phuck her without wanting a serious relationship because most men think that single-mothers are easier because they view as them as desperate. It is sad...but it is reallity.

The times I have been involved in a FWB situation with a single mother, I have been VERY clear. To the point that I have told them that I would not get in a serious relationship with them because I don't want to take on the responsibilities of a male figure to another man's kids (and ANY man that is in a marriage/living together with a woman with children should take on those responsibilities). They still phucked me. And sadly several thought they could change my mind...but oh well.

What does Penkitten, the resident mother hen who found love even with four youngsters, have to say about all this?

I will say what I already stated in this thread and other threads:

That she either found

1- An AFC without options

or

2- A "nice guy"

or

3- A DJ that knew what he was getting into...but decided that she was worth it

And honestly...based on her values, I believe she was probably worthy.

Note to Iqqi:

Make sure you PM Rosemary in that Loveshack Forum and tell her that Latinoman said that her BITTERNESS and her "MARTYR mentallity" is what is scaring good quality men away. It has nothing to do with her raising her niece/nephew (which a lot of men would look at that with admiration). And if the men she has met want to just have some "fun" with her body (assuming she is even hot or sexy)...then SHE should be more selective as it is obvious she is attracted to these type of men. I bet she would not want a below average looking man or an ugly man approaching her. Even if he is a GREAT person.

Make sure she gets this. It can actually change her life as she still 32 and has not reached the above 32 mark.

 

[SouthernGal]

Okay...answering more.
1. Ex-Husband still there but only calls an average of once per month. I was able to get supervised visitation for him which he has only taken advantage of once.

2. I cannot have anymore kids. I had a tubal ligation because of a medical condition (epilepsy).

3. I think I am a great catch. Blue eyes, red hair, very nice figure. I can cook too. I can't believe how many ladies my age can't. I own my own place and have a great job. I have my act together.

4. I was married 3 years. Ex cheated (dumba$$-I was a PI at the time). He was on a military debt in another state when this happened.

 

[##17]

One more thing to Rosemary: Saying that all guys view single moms as just a booty call is ludicrous. That's like saying that all single moms are looking for a computer programmer to provide for the babies they had with the Bad Boy when they were in their 'thug luvin' phase of life.

Neither is true (even though there are a few guys who were in situations that support the latter statement).

I do wish SG happiness in her relationships with men--she seems like a very nice person who has her act together. I did want to give her the perspective from our side...

 

[LovelyLady]

Welcome to SoSuave, SouthernGal.

Would you share some background info so I can better understand where you are coming from?

How long were you married? How long have you been divorced? Do the children ever see their Father? Do you have any family support? Do you have any real girl friends? What therapy (if any) have you gotten to deal with the changes you have been through? How many hours are you with your children every week?

Please finish the rest? thanks!

 

[Luveno]

Southerngal,

get the notion of having a long-term male companion out the window! Even if you could find an AFC that would be willing to raise children that aren't his, it wouldn't really matter since your children would never respect him. And because you brought him into their lives as he doles out authority over them, they will lose respect for you too. So, in total, you end up with an AFC who pays the bills but is despised by both you(because he's boring) and your children(because he's an outsider).

I'd say concentrate on raising your children with the goal of landing scholarships to prestigious universities. Seriously. It's a good investment for you.

When it comes to sex, I'm sure, if you're as good looking as you say, you'd be able to find some lotharios to give you a classic shagging whenever you felt like it - without your children ever finding out, of course. But don't expect long term intimacy. Don't expect cuddles, and phone calls, and anniversaries. That is no longer a possibility in your life.

Concentrate on your kids.

 

[##17]

Southerngal,

get the notion of having a long-term male companion out the window! Even if you could find an AFC that would be willing to raise children that aren't his, it wouldn't really matter since your children would never respect him. And because you brought him into their lives as he doles out authority over them, they will lose respect for you too. So, in total, you end up with an AFC who pays the bills but is despised by both you(because he's boring) and your children(because he's an outsider).

I'd say concentrate on raising your children with the goal of landing scholarships to prestigious universities. Seriously. It's a good investment for you.

When it comes to sex, I'm sure, if you're as good looking as you say, you'd be able to find some lotharios to give you a classic shagging whenever you felt like it - without your children ever finding out, of course. But don't expect long term intimacy. Don't expect cuddles, and phone calls, and anniversaries. That is no longer a possibility in your life.

Concentrate on your kids.

This is a bit pessimistic.

1. It sounds that SG already does a good job 'paying the bills' herself as is.
2. She can probably find a friendship/relationship that serves both her physical needs and her needs for adult compansionship, and she doesn't have to apologize to anyone for wanting that for herself. (This doesn't contradict what we told her about guys' needs for a serious relationship and how she might not be available to meet those needs now.) She deserves to be with a good guy who respects her, even if it is a casual relationship.
3. When her kids get older, she will become more available for a serious relationship, if that is what she wants.

 

[azanon]

4. I was married 3 years. Ex cheated (dumba$$-I was a PI at the time). He was on a military debt in another state when this happened.

So how did the martial counseling go? So after discovery of the cheating, what are some of the things you guys did to address that before you threw in the towel and decided there are no changes that could be made? So what bothered you the most; the cheating or the fact that he was a dumba$$ because of the way he went about it? How did your children factor into the equation of your decision to separate their dad from their lives?

I need a heck of a lot more than simply - he cheated - to sympathize with you. I think many people just don't realize how serious divorce is until after-the-fact. Anyone that's seen one of those stress charts knows what's listed as the benchmark 100%. For those that haven't, it is "divorce".

I just feel there are a lot of proud women out there today which explains why a vast majority of women initiate divorces. They go with the "i'll show you" attitude, file and get the divorce, THEN want society's sympathy. Again, I need a heck of a lot more to sympathize with a divorce than simply mentioning one mistake (big or small); especially a mistake that involves a man having sex with another woman. First and foremost to blame is always the biology. Then you go from there.

Men make commitments they're biologically not geared to keep; and a few actually manage to pull it off an entire lifetime without breaking a vow. Incredible, these men. I'm talking about marriages, of course.

 

[Max Power]

Concentrate on your kids -- both of you.

Personally, I think this thread has gone on long enough and we're wasting our DJ energies here.

In the other forums we have young men who are borderline suicidal because they've never been intimate with a single woman in their life (no fault of their own that they are aware of) and here we are helping a woman who has a full time job and two toddlers and is worried about getting laid on her own terms. WTF? Not only that, this woman married someone she knew was "abusive" (which she hasn't defined yet. Did he hit you? Did you call the police?) and goes and has not one, but two kids with him. I don't she is worthy of four pages of replies.

 

[penkitten]

everytime i try to respond to this thread, and get everything written out... i change my mind on what i am willing to say in the thread and how much information i need to share in it.

the entire dating process is complicated when you are a parent who cares about the integrity of your children. i know alot of people think it is so easy, but it is only so easy when you don't care as much about the children as you do about yourself.

what i can say is that i was a single mother for 7 years. they were some of the hardest and some of the best years of my life wrapped up into one. i am thankful that god allowed me to experience what i did, without getting lost on the wrong path.

during that time, i went through a few phases and during those phases i discovered that i was maturing as a person, a woman and a mother. i realized some of the hopes and dreams and ambitions that i had for myself and for my family during this time.

at first i was not ready to date anyone under a commitment, because i felt as if i needed to repair myself and figure myself out. at first i just wanted someone to pal around with me in a mosh pit when i could go out. but that did not last too long, because it grows old.
then i began to go out with people for short amounts of time, and if something happened or was brought to my attention, i disqualified them before i introduced them to my children.
although i tried my best never to bring a string of men or even friends to our home to disrupt my children's daily lives, i did have one 2yr ltr that did not work out, and i brought a new child into the family.
time went on, and then i met a wonderful man.. a dj.. we had so many things in common and had such great fun together, an it was unlike anything i had ever experienced before. he had dreams and goals and ambitions of his own and he strived to be a good person but did not take any crap off anyone at the same time. he amazed me at his intellect, and we could have the best conversations. i fell head over heels for him, and he fell in love with me too. he really was very careful about everything, as he cared that my children did not have their lives disrupted on our behalf, and that impressed me even more. when he knew he was ready, and that i was worth it, and so were my children, he took them for a talk without me to discuss if they would give him their blessing to ask me to marry him and if he could become their step father. they all returned to ask me to marry him, and the children begged me to say yes before i had a chance to say it myself.
i was very lucky to have met my best friend and fall in love with him and marry him. there is not a day that goes by, that i do not thank god for looking out for me and helping to make the choices that i did , because if i had gotten lost on my path... i would not have met him at all.

there are many different sorts of advise that one can give to a single mother.
sometimes, i feel that it is better to tell an experience, which is all i have here for you today.

 

[afrojiggles]

mmm....quite hilarious that after wasting your youth away your finally wakening up,lol. try and have some fun without your many rules or god forsaken principles

 

[mrRuckus]

Children are paid entirely too much attention.

Oftentimes the best the choice is to LET the baby cry in the other room and let it learn to fall asleep on its own so it doesn't cry every single night just to get attention. I've been saying this for a few years now because i felt it instinctively and thank ye gods the british media chaps had an article out last week saying this very thing.

But then mom "feels guilty" for doing what is best in the long run. Can't let baby cry for 30 seconds or you're a bad mom! bah.

But the long run is ignored in our culture of quarterly earnings, fast food and diet pills.

What does "put the children first" even mean? Give them whatever they want? When they cry they're getting a babysitter you cave in and cancel the date? If their homework is done, they're fed, and sheltered how much more is there? Giving them 3 hours a night of board games and lots of gold stars to bolster their self esteem? I think it's a *feeling* of not putting your kids first, not actually doing that. A few months ago i remember seeing statistics that women spend more time with their children nowadays than they did in like the 50s WHEN WOMEN STAYED AT HOME ALL DAY yet generation Y is a piece of sh1t. More attention = more privileged = less self sufficiency = sh1tty adults.

There's a giant space between ignoring your kids and barely feeding them like a crack addict and letting them play alone without you hovering over them 7 nights a week instead of going out on a date a couple nights.

but i'm a d1ck so what do i know

 

[jophil28]

Children are paid entirely too much attention.

Oftentimes the best the choice is to LET the baby cry in the other room and let it learn to fall asleep on its own so it doesn't cry every single night just to get attention. I've been saying this for a few years now because i felt it instinctively and thank ye gods the british media chaps had an article out last week saying this very thing.

But then mom "feels guilty" for doing what is best in the long run. Can't let baby cry for 30 seconds or you're a bad mom! bah.

But the long run is ignored in our culture of quarterly earnings, fast food and diet pills.

What does "put the children first" even mean? Give them whatever they want? When they cry they're getting a babysitter you cave in and cancel the date? If their homework is done, they're fed, and sheltered how much more is there? Giving them 3 hours a night of board games and lots of gold stars to bolster their self esteem? I think it's a *feeling* of not putting your kids first, not actually doing that. A few months ago i remember seeing statistics that women spend more time with their children nowadays than they did in like the 50s WHEN WOMEN STAYED AT HOME ALL DAY yet generation Y is a piece of sh1t. More attention = more privileged = less self sufficiency = sh1tty adults.

There's a giant space between ignoring your kids and barely feeding them like a crack addict and letting them play alone without you hovering over them 7 nights a week instead of going out on a date a couple nights.

but i'm a d1ck so what do i know

Bravo - and this is exactly what is needed from a MAN as a father to counter-balance the emotional 'feel good/feel bad' "mothering " that drives mommies .
God help the sons of single mothers.