Absolutely ridiculous situation with dating ex again

[KokonutKrew]

I know you cringed at the topic title, and I'm sorry guys, but you're going to cringe again reading some of this.

So ~3 months ago my ex dumped me. We dated for 4 months, 3 exclusive, and she essentially used me as a rebound then dumped me telling me she didn't have strong enough feelings and wasn't over her ex (they didn't get back together--he moved out of state after their breakup). It was rough as I had VERY strong feelings for her. I would even say I fell in love with her.

So fast forward 2.5 months after the dumping and I get a text from her asking how I'm doing. We make some small talk, then set up a date for wine and a fire at my place over the weekend. A couple days later (and a couple days from our date) she hits me up asking if I want to come hangout. I agree and when I go over it's obvious she has booty called me. She's in a nightgown, I smell weed, she's playing romantic-ish music, lights are dimmed, etc. We end up having sex and I leave right after because she's "tired". I mean nothing but a booty call.

So our weekend date night rolls around and here's where it becomes a mess. The first hour is great. Wine, fire, laughs, etc... At some point I ask her if she was able to work through the "issues" she had before and if she's "better" now (issues as in not being over her ex and not being ready to date). She tells me she is better now. I also ask why she decided to hit me up, and her response was "I just wanted to hangout and see where it would go/what would happen" or something like that--implying that she wants to give "us" another shot and IS now ready to date seriously. Then we start hooking up, I'm turned on at first, then start feeling weird about it all and lose my excitedness. I tell her I'm feeling weird and she asks why. Cringe warning: I pretty much broke down, and I told her how I was in love with her, that she broke my heart, and how last few months were sh!tty because of it. While I'm telling her this she has her head on my shoulder and is rubbing my back. She then says "how about we take it slow, act like we never dated and start new?" I agree. Then she asks me when I'm free next week, says we should do dinner, and we schedule it for saturday. We then watch TV for a little bit, and believe it or not I say we should lay down in my bedroom, she agrees, and we end up having sex. We cuddle and talk for a bit after, and she returns the "breaking down" favor by breaking down while telling me about how her parents are recently separated and are getting divorced. Ha. Before she leaves I propose we hangout wednesday too and she agrees.

On wednesday I go to her place after work and we have dinner and watch a movie. I start making a move on her (as in going past kissing) and she stops me and reiterates how she's serious about taking it slow because it helps her connect more emotionally and asks if I'm okay with that. I say I am and not much else happens that night.

Saturday we go to the gym together, then later go out to dinner. Dinner was just her and I, but after dinner one of her GF's met up with us for a couple drinks. After drinks I drive us back to her place and as I'm looking for a parking spot she says "actually don't worry about parking. I'm having lunch with my nephew tomorrow so I have to go to bed. You can just drop me off." I mean, she usually goes to bed at like 9 and it was past 10, so fair enough I guess, but damn. I end up parking anyways, say we should hangout tuesday (tomorrow), she agrees, then I walk her to her apartment door, give her a goodnight kiss and that's it.

Obviously this is a total f*cking mess. I'm cool with "taking it slow" for a little while if it truly helps her build an emotional connection, but it feels weird considering we have 4 months of history and the first two hangouts after reconnecting we hooked up (the first being a straight up booty call by her too). It feels like a step backwards rather than forwards to me. I'm thinking tomorrow I'm not going try and set up a subsequent date, and I'm going to see if she'll chase me instead.

But how the hell should I play this?

 

[Romanemp22]

What the fvck did I just read

 

[Lookatu]

You told her you love her after she came back to you to use you? LOL
You were ok with not having sex after you already had sex?LOL
You were ok with her having other plans and putting you dead last on her priority list? LOL

Brutha, you need some tough lovin and you need to next her now or get a double dose of the medicine you've been fed already when it happens again.

Have you not read about No-Contact thread on here?

 

[KokonutKrew]

Your instincts are correct: It's a step backward AND your actions were cringeworthy, lol.

But listen, lose the idea of "playing this" from your vocab. Men always think this is a chess game, but it's never that complicated.

Let's look at where you went wrong. First was being too eager to reconnect. Second was reconnecting and then breaking down in front of her. Third was then being eager yet again. I won't roast you for this. I'll just say, next time, really listen to your gut and your heart, because you were obviously emotionally fukked over this girl. Your best options were 1) suck it up, fukk her and go home on your own (not be told "I'm tired"); or 2) NOT go over, tell her over text (w/o emotion) that you're busy at the moment.

It's not that she's not into you, the booty call was real. But she's not into you emotionally as you are her. After a couple of months she probably didn't hear much from you if at all and came back to test your frame. Predictable. She herself probably got dumped or ghosted and thus the booty call. She needed validation - for some chicks just your response would be enough, but in your case it was sex. I'd say "lucky you" but you paid a price because you weren't listening to your own emotions.

By the way, this is a great example of why a man should not break down in front of his woman (save extremely dire situations). Women hate losing the emotional "high ground" even if they're turned off by it. What does she do, she plays Queen for a Day and out-bytches you. Now you've got an all-around weepfest going on - not the emotions you want to generate around a girl you like.

On top of everything, 4 months is not a long time, bro. So you need some serious work on yourself. First is to pull way back on her - no reaching out, and take your sweet time responding if at all to her. But fukk her, really...you've got to retrain your mind. Have you read any articles here or the DJ Bible?

Honestly what I figured was that she dated and realized I was her best bet/better than the other dudes she had access to, and that's why she came back. If she had found something better she'd have no reason to hit me up.

I hooked up with someone else last night and I've been trying to set up dates/hangouts with other women as well to take my mind off her. Supposed to be hanging out with an old f*ck buddy I haven't seen in a while on Wednesday. Truth be told I want a relationship with this ex, but I have no idea where it's gonna go and I don't just want to completely waste my time waiting for her (and not even having sex).

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She wanted to see a better man than she left and she is seeing a worse one. There are ways to get your ex back and make them chase you and you are pretty much doing everything wrong possible.

This is going to end very soon.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Welcome aboard...

Anyone here with female experience has been in your shoes. Ask any of us that were too emotionally invested how things turned out and it'll be the same answer.

You still have time to salvage this, but your time is running out.
The first thing you need to do is to cancel your upcoming date with this gal (but let her know that you plan to reschedule) . You might be thinking that this will be counter-productive, but trust me, setting up too many times to see her will prove to be counter-productive.

Let her wonder about you the way that you are wondering about her. Though be fun and cordial, you be the first to end the date, conversations etc... As you are currently discovering... allowing her to hold all the cards isn't working out too good.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You've received some good advice already. I will re-state some things in my own words in hope that it resonates.

While I'm telling her this she has her head on my shoulder and is rubbing my back.

When you think of a real man, loving a woman, is this what you picture? Or is this what you picture when a little boy is being comforted by his mother? Hint - it's the latter, and it is a HUGE turnoff to women to have to go into the mothering frame. Women look to men for emotional stability - you must have better control over your emotions than her, and never cry over a woman to her, ever, period. There are times when crying in front of your woman is ok, like if your dog dies or a family member dies, etc, but the LAST thing a woman wants to see you cry over is her.

One pattern I saw in your write-up is that you kept asking her out for the next date during your current date. Never do that. It's way too eager. It communicates, "I assume that if I don't lock you down for another date RIGHT now, I just assume you'll be too busy to see me since I'm obviously the least valuable thing you could spend your time on. And since I don't have options with other women, I need to be absolutely sure you don't escape." Never end a date with an invite for another date. Let her wonder a bit when she will hear from you and when and if you'll ask her to get together again.

I wouldn't see her any more than once a week for a while. Wait a few days after your date to ask her out for another date. Don't always be available when she asks to see you. Be busy. See other women. Hang out with friends. Don't tell her exactly what you are/were doing - let her wonder a bit.

Lastly, there is no reason to be this emotionally invested in a woman after just 4 months. That's way too early. Most often guys do this when they are looking to get some emotional needs met by a woman. This is neediness at its core. Nearly all of us have been there in the past. You have to figure out why you feel you "need" her so much.... what is it for? Validation? Identity? Lack of other options? What is it?

The woman should always be driving the relationship forward and pushing for exclusivity and trying to lock you down. The man should simply setup dates, be enjoyable and fun to be around, have amazing sex, and that's it. You do a good job of that, and be busy and happy in life, and she will try to lock you down and push for a relationship.

 

[KokonutKrew]

You've received some good advice already. I will re-state some things in my own words in hope that it resonates.



When you think of a real man, loving a woman, is this what you picture? Or is this what you picture when a little boy is being comforted by his mother? Hint - it's the latter, and it is a HUGE turnoff to women to have to go into the mothering frame. Women look to men for emotional stability - you must have better control over your emotions than her, and never cry over a woman to her, ever, period. There are times when crying in front of your woman is ok, like if your dog dies or a family member dies, etc, but the LAST thing a woman wants to see you cry over is her.

One pattern I saw in your write-up is that you kept asking her out for the next date during your current date. Never do that. It's way too eager. It communicates, "I assume that if I don't lock you down for another date RIGHT now, I just assume you'll be too busy to see me since I'm obviously the least valuable thing you could spend your time on. And since I don't have options with other women, I need to be absolutely sure you don't escape." Never end a date with an invite for another date. Let her wonder a bit when she will hear from you and when and if you'll ask her to get together again.

I wouldn't see her any more than once a week for a while. Wait a few days after your date to ask her out for another date. Don't always be available when she asks to see you. Be busy. See other women. Hang out with friends. Don't tell her exactly what you are/were doing - let her wonder a bit.

Lastly, there is no reason to be this emotionally invested in a woman after just 4 months. That's way too early. Most often guys do this when they are looking to get some emotional needs met by a woman. This is neediness at its core. Nearly all of us have been there in the past. You have to figure out why you feel you "need" her so much.... what is it for? Validation? Identity? Lack of other options? What is it?

The woman should always be driving the relationship forward and pushing for exclusivity and trying to lock you down. The man should simply setup dates, be enjoyable and fun to be around, have amazing sex, and that's it. You do a good job of that, and be busy and happy in life, and she will try to lock you down and push for a relationship.

After tomorrow I was actually planning on not reaching out at all. I was going to wait for her to reach out to me while trying to set up dates with other women.

 

[King Lion]

When are muhfuggas gonna learn to keep their diks in their pants, and their tortured guts feelings off their lips, so a wench can work for it?!?
(smh)
As long as they don't they'll forever appear to be soft as tits and dumb as sh*t to these females!

 

[bcude]

Honestly what I figured was that she dated and realized I was her best bet/better than the other dudes she had access to, and that's why she came back. If she had found something better she'd have no reason to hit me up.

That's unfortunately your male ego speaking. It's important to highlight that you were a rebound from the beginning, which means she was only using you for validation since she was still stuck on her ex when she met you. You dated a very short amount of time (not to be considered a serious long-term relationship) and then she hit you up again when no other (in her eyes better) plans materialized, but you were a 'sure thing' as in someone who would give her free validation, so she poked you again, and you jumped at getting back immediately - mistake. This girl then used you again. That's why we say that rebounds never work out since the relationships are not based on a healthy foundation, as in genuine desire - they're filling a void.

As others have been saying, you need to turn the tables and shift your mindset. I'm not sure it's possible after having a breakdown, trying to change her weak image of you is though to be honest and she's already showing signs of avoiding you.

 

[TheKid]

You've already been outplayed. think this is a lost cause and you will end up hurt.

You have been warned.

 

[KokonutKrew]

Stop asking her out to do new stuff when she is doing bad behavior and being platonic. You are chasing her like crazy and setting up dates constantly, with no breathing room.

I get the breakdown you had, its a very emotionally charged situation. I've been there. I don't think you did anything objectively wrong, you are just put in a bad situation and acted like most people would. You are dealing with a cunning woman, and her take it slow line is BS and you should tell her **** no next time she tries that...she also gave the impression that she has completely and totally detached sex from romance to the point that its conscious to her...not good.

In the meantime, stop chasing her and rewarding her crap. If you chase her, she will get more and more aloof, probably gone within weeks (maybe for the best though).

Not sure if it makes any difference, but she's actually the one who set everything up saturday. As in said we should do dinner and made reservations at the restaurant. Although I paid.

And that's a good point about her detaching sex from romance. I thought most people, especially women, fell harder the more they slept with someone. In this case she's telling me that taking it slow/not having sex helps her build an emotional connection. It's very bizarre. She also told me she doesn't usually have sex quickly when dating someone and "didn't really date" after we broke up "except for one guy". No idea if those things are true though.

I won't hit her up after tomorrow. I'll see if she chases me. I honestly think she will, but it doesn't mean her intentions are any better.

 

[KokonutKrew]

Good point, I forgot to mention this part, there was so much to cover.

She probably went back to her ex, got dumped, and then booty called the OP.

Her ex moved out of state soon after their breakup, so she didn't go back with him. She said she dated one guy the past 3 months after we broke up. Honestly, I'm not bothered by her dating other dudes after dumping me. What I wouldn't like is if she dumped me FOR someone else. And if she dumped me for someone else, it didn't work out, then she came crawling back, that would be pure psycho.

I'll also add that the last ~13 years of her life she was in two relationships. One was 10 years and the other 3. And she said there wasn't much of a break in between.

 

[TheKid]

Are you naive?
Women lie. She probably just ****ing with you to make herself feel more important.
She doesnt want to have sex sounds like she just wants someone to do **** for free.
See how much effort she puts in and base your oppinion on that but do not chase her at all.
The only way i see this fixing is if you get a hobby and chuck your life into it and she chases you while you do that.

 

[KokonutKrew]

Why wouldn't you like it? I am serious.

Because dumping someone you're exclusive and in a relationship with who you know is really into you just to go try someone else out is incredibly f*cked up. Beyond words honestly. It shows a complete lack of feelings, empathy, morals, etc. And crawling back to that person after it didn't work out with the new person? Damn near evil.

IMO that's even worse.

Anyway, we have all been in situations like this, so we will see. I think, in the back of your mind, you should start preparing to teach her a very severe lesson in morality and ethics....

To clarify, I didn't tell her to do it or say "whatever you want" or anything like that. I actually thought we were going to cook dinner at my place, then mid-week she spontaneously texted me saying she had made reservations. I actually thought it seemed like she was taking initiative to impress me. Who knows

Also want to add that last week she asked if I could help her move some boxes from her parents house to her apartment, which seems pretty damn serious if I were to meet either of her parents. Although they could have not been home I guess.

 

[Clamslammer]

I know you cringed at the topic title, and I'm sorry guys, but you're going to cringe again reading some of this.

So ~3 months ago my ex dumped me. We dated for 4 months, 3 exclusive, and she essentially used me as a rebound then dumped me telling me she didn't have strong enough feelings and wasn't over her ex (they didn't get back together--he moved out of state after their breakup). It was rough as I had VERY strong feelings for her. I would even say I fell in love with her.

So fast forward 2.5 months after the dumping and I get a text from her asking how I'm doing. We make some small talk, then set up a date for wine and a fire at my place over the weekend. A couple days later (and a couple days from our date) she hits me up asking if I want to come hangout. I agree and when I go over it's obvious she has booty called me. She's in a nightgown, I smell weed, she's playing romantic-ish music, lights are dimmed, etc. We end up having sex and I leave right after because she's "tired". I mean nothing but a booty call.

So our weekend date night rolls around and here's where it becomes a mess. The first hour is great. Wine, fire, laughs, etc... At some point I ask her if she was able to work through the "issues" she had before and if she's "better" now (issues as in not being over her ex and not being ready to date). She tells me she is better now. I also ask why she decided to hit me up, and her response was "I just wanted to hangout and see where it would go/what would happen" or something like that--implying that she wants to give "us" another shot and IS now ready to date seriously. Then we start hooking up, I'm turned on at first, then start feeling weird about it all and lose my excitedness. I tell her I'm feeling weird and she asks why. Cringe warning: I pretty much broke down, and I told her how I was in love with her, that she broke my heart, and how last few months were sh!tty because of it. While I'm telling her this she has her head on my shoulder and is rubbing my back. She then says "how about we take it slow, act like we never dated and start new?" I agree. Then she asks me when I'm free next week, says we should do dinner, and we schedule it for saturday. We then watch TV for a little bit, and believe it or not I say we should lay down in my bedroom, she agrees, and we end up having sex. We cuddle and talk for a bit after, and she returns the "breaking down" favor by breaking down while telling me about how her parents are recently separated and are getting divorced. Ha. Before she leaves I propose we hangout wednesday too and she agrees.

On wednesday I go to her place after work and we have dinner and watch a movie. I start making a move on her (as in going past kissing) and she stops me and reiterates how she's serious about taking it slow because it helps her connect more emotionally and asks if I'm okay with that. I say I am and not much else happens that night.

Saturday we go to the gym together, then later go out to dinner. Dinner was just her and I, but after dinner one of her GF's met up with us for a couple drinks. After drinks I drive us back to her place and as I'm looking for a parking spot she says "actually don't worry about parking. I'm having lunch with my nephew tomorrow so I have to go to bed. You can just drop me off." I mean, she usually goes to bed at like 9 and it was past 10, so fair enough I guess, but damn. I end up parking anyways, say we should hangout tuesday (tomorrow), she agrees, then I walk her to her apartment door, give her a goodnight kiss and that's it.

Obviously this is a total f*cking mess. I'm cool with "taking it slow" for a little while if it truly helps her build an emotional connection, but it feels weird considering we have 4 months of history and the first two hangouts after reconnecting we hooked up (the first being a straight up booty call by her too). It feels like a step backwards rather than forwards to me. I'm thinking tomorrow I'm not going try and set up a subsequent date, and I'm going to see if she'll chase me instead.

But how the hell should I play this?

Step back and dont reach out to her. Let her come to you and when she does she will ask you to hang out. Do not hang out out, tell her that you have a date already for that day and then go find yourself an actual date. Again remain cold, she will eventually reach out again in 1-3 weeks. Then when she does tell her to come to your place...you are not going to her.

 

[KokonutKrew]

I think I'm also going to take it a step further and post a pic or two on my snapchat "showing off". Like a post workout shirtless selfie. Not only will this increase attraction from other women on my SC who I've been talking to, but it'll make her wonder why I'd post something salacious when I'm "dating" her. Hopefully get her wondering if I'm not actually that into her/trying to attract other women and make her jealous in some way.

P.S. I hate games like this.

 

[Reyaj]

Why wouldn't you like it? I am serious.

I know at least for myself I would never want to play second fiddle to anyone. The fact that I was with a person who flat our said her feelings for her ex were stronger than her feelings for me would automatically get relegated to a pump and dump (or a several pump and dump).

 

[Epimanes]

When you rescue the princess you bang the princess..... thats the rule

 

[Medina]

This woman will not make you happy

The person that makes you happy is yourself

Everything else is just an add-on that comes and goes. They don't define you

You are clinging onto some pot smoker who got widowed. Do you really base your happiness/love on that?