Absolutely ridiculous situation with dating ex again

[BackInTheGame78]

I respect the other advice and tough love in this topic, but you're just a straight up kvnt. You're obviously pretty damn miserable yourself and have some issues of your own to work out.

Simply the truth, I am kind of just stating the obvious. To be able to have that sort of relationship you can't have the emotional investment that you do. It's extremely high for someone you dated for 4 months, especially after being apart for several months.

 

[eternal5]

I also didn't cvm either of the two times we had sex. Wouldn't be surprised if she got offended or felt insecure about it.

You're projecting. From your posts, you seem very invested in this chick and will have a hard time moving on. Re-read the advice on here given to you and seriously work on moving on. No games.

 

[KokonutKrew]

Well it's over. Extremely over. And in the worst way possible. I posted a snap of two glasses of wine on my coffee table and a fire going in the background with the caption "perfect night" and when she saw it she immediately removed me as a friend on snap. So I guess she "cared" enough and got jealous enough to remove me immediately upon seeing that snap without even contacting me first.

I sent her a message asking if she removed me and why, and she said yes and because of my snap. I knew it was over at this point so I just said f*ck it and let loose. Told her I didn't have a date and that it was just a friend visiting and she didn't believe me. Tried to call her a bunch of times and sent her all this sh!t about how I didn't think she gave a f*ck about me and how I thought the "taking it slow" thing was an excuse because she had no desire for me, to which she said we started fast last time and our relationship was sex based, but she needs to take it slow to build an emotional connection before sex, and etc. Kept trying to call her and told her to talk to me on the phone like a mature adult--she wouldn't. I said f*ck it and went to her place because she's only 10 minutes away. Told her I was there and she said she was with friends at someone else's place. I was like wait... Didn't you think you had covid? She said she got the results back today (of course didn't let me know right? If it were even true, that is). It then blows up even more. She tells me how I crossed a line going to her place (kinda true, but also for the "right" reasons) and how she's uncomfortable. Giving me these robotic, weird answers. I just tell her she obviously never gave a f*ck about me, only wanted to use me before, and only wanted to use me again this time. She says she won't try to convince me of anything and that we definitely don't have a future now. I told her we never did, and that I wished I never met her and all she brought me was pain. I also called her out for being mad/jealous thinking I had a date when she's most likely talking to/seeing other dudes, and that I saw her hinge profile the other day. She never responded to that, of course.

I'm a f*cking idiot and on top of that the snap turned out to be a bad move, but she's a straight up terrible person, incredibly immature, a hypocrite, and has no feelings or empathy, so it's probably for the best. She obviously didn't give a sh!t about our relationship or ever seeing me again considering how she removed me from snap without even asking me about it first and how she wouldn't even talk to me on the phone. Plus I had started to resent her so damn much I don't think a relationship would have worked at this point even in a perfect world.

I blocked her on all social media and deleted her number after all this.

Do I regret posting that snap? At this point I have to say yes because this isn't how I wanted it to go down, and it actually seems like she WOULD have contacted me had I not done anything. But hopefully I'll look back on this in 1-3 months and be thankful it's totally over.

I can't lie though, I'm sitting here typing this and feel like complete garbage. I'm not bawling my eyes out or anything, but the weight of how I'll never see or even talk to her--someone I was at some point in love with--again is hitting me.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

So I guess she "cared" enough and got jealous enough to remove me immediately upon seeing that snap without even contacting me first.

No, this doesn’t mean she cared in the sense that she wanted you. It’s just means she got jealous. Girls can and do regularly get jealous of exes who they don’t even want. It’s the very reason why exes often reach out to re-engage you, just to get the validation of knowing they could still have you if they wanted you, yet having zero intention of actually seeing you. I know that wasn’t the case when your ex reached out to you after ending things the first time, but I am using it as a common example.

Told her I didn't have a date and that it was just a friend visiting

You went for a Hail Mary and then you tried to pull it back? Why? You basically admit to her that you did that just to provoke a reaction and that it wasn’t even what you tried to make it look like, which looks really weak and immature. If she had an online dating profile up and you weren’t exclusive, you would be doing nothing wrong by seeing other women so why try to pull it back? But the snap post was just way too obvious anyway. Even if you were with another girl. I don’t recall her ever rubbing anything in your face.... she was more just coming to the point of realizing she wasn’t that into you and since you weren’t exclusive anyway, she was starting to look around at her options.

I knew it was over at this point so I just said f*ck it and let loose.

What did you hope to achieve with all this? Blowing up her phone and going to her house when she clearly isn’t interested? This demonstrates a clear inability to control your emotions. She detected this from observations of your actions long before (including your breaking out crying on her shoulder professing your love for her) and it is definitely a big part of why she was pulling back and losing interest. Your actions tonight proved to her that her intuitions were more than right and you are worse off than she thought. And your yelling at her for “using” you? For what? Sex?! That’s something a woman says, not a man. “All you brought me was pain”? Brother, this is a girl you dated for four months and she simply lost interest in you, and this is such an overly emotional and dramatic thing to say.

Reading your explanation of everything that happened from your first post to now, you are really acting more like the woman than the man. You are the one pushing harder for “feelings” and “relationship” instead of just focusing on having sex, being in the moment, enjoying it, and letting the woman move things toward a relationship. And you are being extremely emotional and can’t control your emotions. That is feminine, not masculine. Women are much more emotional than men. They look to a man to be a rock that they can cling to during the storm of their emotions. You are not demonstrating that you are that rock. From your stories, it sounds like this girl was way less emotional than you. You reversed the natural roles and that will dry a woman up and send her running for safety faster than anything. Men can be scary and are obviously physically intimidating to women. The last thing she wants is to be involved with a guy who can’t control his emotions because she knows her safety will likely be in jeopardy at some point, and you proved her right by blowing up and banging on her door. Now she knows without any doubt that she made the right decision.

I’m sorry that this is probably tough to hear right now while you’re hurting. But if you want to avoid this same thing repeating and causing further heartbreak in the future, you need to spend some time asking questions here, reading some books, and seeing a therapist so you can understand why you are having such a hard time controlling your emotions and why you are becoming so attached and emotionally needy toward women so quickly.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Posting again more so for posterity since this thread is a testament to the camaraderie of this forum.

@KokonutKrew
This all happened primarily because you had a vision in your mind of what this girl could be and tried to force her hand to fit your narrative.

You met her and imagined a perfect version of her in your mind, whatever that is to you. As time went on reality showed you signs that you were wrong, that this girl will probably not meet those standards.

Rather than acknowledge your mistake, dismiss her, and learn from it, you undermined your standards to compensate for her mistakes.

You risked your self respect and then doubled down on it again and again and again... until all of it was on the line. You then gave yourself an ultimatum, either she was going to care for you emotionally or you would emotionally self destruct. Since reality again showed you that you're wrong, that she wouldn't conform to your narrative, you had no choice but to self destruct.

If a woman's actions don't align with your expectations or otherwise throw a red flag, that is your cue to take a step back, not a step forward. Cut the loss early.

When a woman does something sweet and thoughtful for you, that is your cue to take a step closer.

Does it make sense to curse her for not doing as you imagined? No. You might as well yell at the clouds when it rains.

She is simply not compatible with you right now(and may never be), and you knew it long ago. You just refused to believe in yourself and follow through.

If it's any consolation, the universe is telling you that you were right to have your suspicions, but wrong not to act on them.

A woman wants to be inspired by a man, even if that means him leaving her.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

sheesh. I am in bold
Well it's over. Extremely over. And in the worst way possible. I posted a snap of two glasses of wine on my coffee table and a fire going in the background with the caption "perfect night" and when she saw it she immediately removed me as a friend on snap. So I guess she "cared" enough and got jealous enough to remove me immediately upon seeing that snap without even contacting me first. 1st mistake. You would have been further ahead to simply drop off the face of the Planet and let her curiosity get the best of her.



I sent her a message asking if she removed me and why, 2nd mistake and she said yes and because of my snap. I knew it was over at this point so I just said f*ck it and let loose. 3rd mistake Told her I didn't have a date and that it was just a friend visiting and she didn't believe me. 4th mistake.Tried to call her a bunch of times 5th mistake and sent her all this sh!t about how I didn't think she gave a f*ck about me and how I thought the "taking it slow" thing was an excuse because she had no desire for me, to which she said we started fast last time and our relationship was sex based, but she needs to take it slow to build an emotional connection before sex, and etc. Kept trying to call her 6th mistake and told her to talk to me on the phone like a mature adult--she wouldn't. I said f*ck it and went to her place 7th mistake because she's only 10 minutes away. Told her I was there and she said she was with friends at someone else's place. I was like wait... Didn't you think you had covid? She said she got the results back today (of course didn't let me know right? If it were even true, that is). It then blows up even more. She tells me how I crossed a line going to her place (kinda true, but also for the "right" reasons) and how she's uncomfortable. Giving me these robotic, weird answers. Congratulations - she is now scared of you. A restraining order is now likely I just tell her she obviously never gave a f*ck about me, only wanted to use me before, and only wanted to use me again this time. She says she won't try to convince me of anything and that we definitely don't have a future now. Yep, you pissed in the pickles my friend. Let your anxiety get the best of you. No discipline. I told her we never did, and that I wished I never met her and all she brought me was pain. I also called her out for being mad/jealous thinking I had a date when she's most likely talking to/seeing other dudes, and that I saw her hinge profile the other day. She never responded to that, of course.

I'm a f*cking idiot and on top of that the snap turned out to be a bad move, but she's a straight up terrible person, incredibly immature, a hypocrite, and has no feelings or empathy, so it's probably for the best. Yet you kept trying desperately to be in her life? She obviously didn't give a sh!t about our relationship or ever seeing me again considering how she removed me from snap without even asking me about it first and how she wouldn't even talk to me on the phone. Plus I had started to resent her so damn much I don't think a relationship would have worked at this point even in a perfect world.

I blocked her on all social media and deleted her number after all this.

Do I regret posting that snap? At this point I have to say yes because this isn't how I wanted it to go down, and it actually seems like she WOULD have contacted me had I not done anything. But hopefully I'll look back on this in 1-3 months and be thankful it's totally over.

I can't lie though, I'm sitting here typing this and feel like complete garbage. I'm not bawling my eyes out or anything, but the weight of how I'll never see or even talk to her--someone I was at some point in love with--again is hitting me.

The worst part is, she is going to tell/show all her friends now and you have created a Sahara desert Dating environment for yourself.

Next time, ask for advice, and heed it. We have no emotional stake and are thinking clearly, you are not.

Yeah this is pretty amazingly terrible after all the advice in this thread that this is what the end result would be.

OP, I would take some time to yourself and do a deep dive into resolving whatever caused you to behave in this way because until you do, this eventually will repeat in pretty much every relationship you find yourself in.

The funny part is if you just wouldn't have cared they she removed you from social media you would have been fine to at least potentially rebound from all the other mistakes you made. No idea why that is even a care to anyone who follows them or not.

Dj Bible and Rational Male should be at the top of your reading list. Also found How to be a 3% Man by Corey Wayne pretty good as well even tho many don't like his stuff.

 

[KokonutKrew]

I admit that it was my fault this time around. It couldn't have gone any worse and it was because of my actions and my ASSUMPTIONS about her. For some reason I was unable to put her into the "just another girl" category in my mind, and instead I kept thinking of her as this perfect person who I used to be in love with and who I wanted to be with. And whenever I thought something was wrong I'd totally lose my cool. This isn't to say she's little miss perfect with clean hands in this mess--no, she's a terrible, cold, manipulative person all around with a f*ck ton of glaring red flags, but I couldn't keep my cool in this "relationship" with her and my emotions just kept coming out. I also think one of the reasons I liked her so much was because of all her issues and the fact that i was never sure if she was interested or not. Wish I knew how to fix this in myself, because I know I should be LESS interested when someone acts like this, not more interested.

Aside from that, I resented her to an extreme degree. When I told her I wish we had never met I meant it, and I still do. On top of that she was socially weird/awkward a lot of times, emotionally cold, always smoking weed even right before we went out to dinner together, been on Lexapro for years, would post "look at me" pics on Snapchat (for attention from guys), tons of family issues, and honestly one thing really stuck out to me when we were at the gym together a week ago... I started to think "am I really attracted to her? She doesn't look that great. There are other girls in here who look better. I feel like I could do better." Of course I'd brush thoughts like that off and tell myself she was the one. Another thing I also thought of was that it's possible I couldn't get hard because, in addition to the situation being emotionally charged, I wasn't that attracted to her.

Whatever. I'm upset about this but I'm not heart broken like I was the last time.

 

[Robert28]

I admit that it was my fault this time around. It couldn't have gone any worse and it was because of my actions and my ASSUMPTIONS about her. For some reason I was unable to put her into the "just another girl" category in my mind, and instead I kept thinking of her as this perfect person who I used to be in love with and who I wanted to be with. And whenever I thought something was wrong I'd totally lose my cool. This isn't to say she's little miss perfect with clean hands in this mess--no, she's a terrible, cold, manipulative person all around with a f*ck ton of glaring red flags, but I couldn't keep my cool in this "relationship" with her and my emotions just kept coming out. I also think one of the reasons I liked her so much was because of all her issues and the fact that i was never sure if she was interested or not. Wish I knew how to fix this in myself, because I know I should be LESS interested when someone acts like this, not more interested.

Aside from that, I resented her to an extreme degree. When I told her I wish we had never met I meant it, and I still do. On top of that she was socially weird/awkward a lot of times, emotionally cold, always smoking weed even right before we went out to dinner together, been on Lexapro for years, would post "look at me" pics on Snapchat (for attention from guys), tons of family issues, and honestly one thing really stuck out to me when we were at the gym together a week ago... I started to think "am I really attracted to her? She doesn't look that great. There are other girls in here who look better. I feel like I could do better." Of course I'd brush thoughts like that off and tell myself she was the one. Another thing I also thought of was that it's possible I couldn't get hard because, in addition to the situation being emotionally charged, I wasn't that attracted to her.

Whatever. I'm upset about this but I'm not heart broken like I was the last time.

Man, reading this thread brought back a ton of memories about a recent ex of mine and how similar she was to this girl. The only difference is mine wanted to friendzone me after we broke up and I stupidly went along with it for awhile but I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t make a big blowup like this, all I did was cancel on some plans we had and she flipped out about it. I just blocked her and left it at that. I thought of a gazillion things I wanted to say but at the end of the day it wouldn’t have changed a thing to try to explain to her. It was all about her and what she wanted, what I wanted didn’t matter to her.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Good lesson for all here - find out which posters you trust, whose experience you trust.

Then ask on her and listen to those posters.

When we are in these situations, our heads are fvcked and and we don't think straight.

The enemy?

Anxiety
Outcome dependence.

I would add to the list of enemies:

-Codependant relationships

-Needing validation from a woman

-Seeking someone to provide happiness to you instead of it being internal

 

[KokonutKrew]

I would add to the list of enemies:

-Codependant relationships

-Needing validation from a woman

-Seeking someone to provide happiness to you instead of it being internal

I don't know how to fix this. When I get bored I get lonely. When I get lonely I get depressed. Depression leads to these emotions with me.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

I know you cringed at the topic title, and I'm sorry guys, but you're going to cringe again reading some of this.

So ~3 months ago my ex dumped me. We dated for 4 months, 3 exclusive, and she essentially used me as a rebound then dumped me telling me she didn't have strong enough feelings and wasn't over her ex (they didn't get back together--he moved out of state after their breakup). It was rough as I had VERY strong feelings for her. I would even say I fell in love with her.

So fast forward 2.5 months after the dumping and I get a text from her asking how I'm doing. We make some small talk, then set up a date for wine and a fire at my place over the weekend. A couple days later (and a couple days from our date) she hits me up asking if I want to come hangout. I agree and when I go over it's obvious she has booty called me. She's in a nightgown, I smell weed, she's playing romantic-ish music, lights are dimmed, etc. We end up having sex and I leave right after because she's "tired". I mean nothing but a booty call.

So our weekend date night rolls around and here's where it becomes a mess. The first hour is great. Wine, fire, laughs, etc... At some point I ask her if she was able to work through the "issues" she had before and if she's "better" now (issues as in not being over her ex and not being ready to date). She tells me she is better now. I also ask why she decided to hit me up, and her response was "I just wanted to hangout and see where it would go/what would happen" or something like that--implying that she wants to give "us" another shot and IS now ready to date seriously. Then we start hooking up, I'm turned on at first, then start feeling weird about it all and lose my excitedness. I tell her I'm feeling weird and she asks why. Cringe warning: I pretty much broke down, and I told her how I was in love with her, that she broke my heart, and how last few months were sh!tty because of it. While I'm telling her this she has her head on my shoulder and is rubbing my back. She then says "how about we take it slow, act like we never dated and start new?" I agree. Then she asks me when I'm free next week, says we should do dinner, and we schedule it for saturday. We then watch TV for a little bit, and believe it or not I say we should lay down in my bedroom, she agrees, and we end up having sex. We cuddle and talk for a bit after, and she returns the "breaking down" favor by breaking down while telling me about how her parents are recently separated and are getting divorced. Ha. Before she leaves I propose we hangout wednesday too and she agrees.

On wednesday I go to her place after work and we have dinner and watch a movie. I start making a move on her (as in going past kissing) and she stops me and reiterates how she's serious about taking it slow because it helps her connect more emotionally and asks if I'm okay with that. I say I am and not much else happens that night.

Saturday we go to the gym together, then later go out to dinner. Dinner was just her and I, but after dinner one of her GF's met up with us for a couple drinks. After drinks I drive us back to her place and as I'm looking for a parking spot she says "actually don't worry about parking. I'm having lunch with my nephew tomorrow so I have to go to bed. You can just drop me off." I mean, she usually goes to bed at like 9 and it was past 10, so fair enough I guess, but damn. I end up parking anyways, say we should hangout tuesday (tomorrow), she agrees, then I walk her to her apartment door, give her a goodnight kiss and that's it.

Obviously this is a total f*cking mess. I'm cool with "taking it slow" for a little while if it truly helps her build an emotional connection, but it feels weird considering we have 4 months of history and the first two hangouts after reconnecting we hooked up (the first being a straight up booty call by her too). It feels like a step backwards rather than forwards to me. I'm thinking tomorrow I'm not going try and set up a subsequent date, and I'm going to see if she'll chase me instead.

But how the hell should I play this?

She dumps you, enters a gang bang, and you take her back?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I don't know how to fix this. When I get bored I get lonely. When I get lonely I get depressed. Depression leads to these emotions with me.

Perhaps it might be wise to seek professional counseling? Some might say that doing this admits weakness but I, and most others, would see it as having strength to admit you have issues that need to be resolved and looking for help to do it. And that my friend, takes real strength.

 

[KokonutKrew]

Perhaps it might be wise to seek professional counseling? Some might say that doing this admits weakness but I, and most others, would see it as having strength to admit you have issues that need to be resolved and looking for help to do it. And that my friend, takes real strength.

Maybe I should get on lexapro. Seems to have blunted the f*ck out of her emotions. Maybe it would do the same for me. At this point I think being emotionally zombified would be an improvement.

 

[Robert28]

Maybe I should get on lexapro. Seems to have blunted the f*ck out of her emotions. Maybe it would do the same for me. At this point I think being emotionally zombified would be an improvement.

It’s only her emotions towards you, I hate to say. You are describing my ex perfectly. She was the same way towards me, emotionless and didn’t care what I felt or anything. But her ex before me? Total different story, he played her emotions like crazy in ways I could only hope to do. She played me the way he played her. And she was a heavy weed user and on all that medication crap for crazy, everything you described.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Maybe I should get on lexapro. Seems to have blunted the f*ck out of her emotions. Maybe it would do the same for me. At this point I think being emotionally zombified would be an improvement.

You don't want to be taking medications that fvck with your brain chemicals.

 

[KokonutKrew]

It’s only her emotions towards you, I hate to say. You are describing my ex perfectly. She was the same way towards me, emotionless and didn’t care what I felt or anything. But her ex before me? Total different story, he played her emotions like crazy in ways I could only hope to do. She played me the way he played her. And she was a heavy weed user and on all that medication crap for crazy, everything you described.

Considering her dating history I'm not 100% sure of that. She dumped both past ex's, one 10 year relationship and one 3 year. And on top of that she had so little success in dating the past 3 months that she got desperate enough to reach back out to me. Wouldn't be surprised if she did the same thing to that "one guy" she dated during our intermission, and if she went on other dates and just felt nothing for anyone.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

It’s only her emotions towards you, I hate to say. You are describing my ex perfectly. She was the same way towards me, emotionless and didn’t care what I felt or anything. But her ex before me? Total different story, he played her emotions like crazy in ways I could only hope to do. She played me the way he played her. And she was a heavy weed user and on all that medication crap for crazy, everything you described.

How could he "play" her and you couldn't? Why did she play you and not him? Should our goal be to play them like he did her?

 

[Robert28]

How could he "play" her and you couldn't? Why did she play you and not him? Should our goal be to play them like he did her?

She saw him as higher status than me is my only guess. Which is funny because I’ve seen pics of his Instagram and all these ladies he had and they all looked manly. Every one of them. The girls I’ve dated are MUCH better looking.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

She saw him as higher status than me is my only guess. Which is funny because I’ve seen pics of his Instagram and all these ladies he had and they all looked manly. Every one of them. The girls I’ve dated are MUCH better looking.

Why did she "think" he was "higher status". And then again as secure and sexual beasts of men we can't control what turns her on. That's her! Our job to ensure we fvck with bushes who get addicted to our c0cks.

 

[Robert28]

Why did she "think" he was "higher status". And then again as secure and sexual beasts of men we can't control what turns her on. That's her! Our job to ensure we fvck with bushes who get addicted to our c0cks.

She never explained that to me but she sure was hung up on Him even though he was the most awful person ever to hear her tell it.