About being cheated on (or not).

[Paradiddle]

Hey gents,

Thanks for all your replies/suggestions. And I’m sorry for not clarifying everything because even I am not sure. So here are some details as far as I know.

1) He thought she could have cheated on him because he was using her iPad (they share it) and checked her messenger. Probably something triggered and he wanted to see what happened during the time he was away. I don’t know why he did this and neither does he. The messages were mostly flirting with each other, giving each others cute names, and setting a time to meet. Nothing more than that. But as you know when someone feels insecure, there’s whole lot of things you would imagine that could have happened. Eg: sex.

2) Can’t give a reason why he is not in forums like this one. Probably there are some people who don’t want to talk about their stuff in a forum? Also, he was not the one who asked me to get advice from the internet. He had asked me for advice considering me a close friend and I came here to get some opinion. However, I feel like this was not a good idea for me to discuss his situation because there are so many things that need clarification and I can’t speak for him.

3) Regarding their personal lives, they’re married for two years but been together for 8 years. Had planned on buying a house soon but that’s pending. No kids.

I know these information might not be enough to suggest anything and I apologise because I just wanted to help a friend. If it was me, it would have been much easier to discuss. If you guys see my past posts from years and years back, you can see how honest I have been to you guys and that helped me heaps. But for this friend, probably he needs to talk directly to you guys, like I did.

Let me tell you what the current scenario is:
He confronted her. Told her what he saw in the messenger. As expected, she said she was just having fun and nothing else and that was years ago when she was dumb and was amongst the circle of friends who believed that a little bit of flirting would do no harm.

I must also tell you that he told me he had banged a few chicks when he was still in relationship with her. I feel like he is not willing to leave her and probably trying to find ways to compensate. Eg: ‘She was just only flirting but I was having sex with a few chicks. Hence, that’s okay but she is loyal now and I am too. So we should bury the hatchet.’ Hence, he has most probably forgiven her. I am unsure if he can continue living like this. I will leave it to him.

Anyway, thanks guys for all your invaluable wisdom. Some of you are amazing. But I must also say that a lot of people here are a bit militant which is not always helpful, in my humble opinion.

Cheers.

 

[Chow Mein]

If you are trying to help your ‘friend’ then you would direct him to this forum instead of being the middle man.
Having said that, why are you doing so?

 

[Paradiddle]

If you are trying to help your ‘friend’ then you would direct him to this forum instead of being the middle man.
Having said that, why are you doing so?

Did you even read my posts?

 

[Sega Genesis]

Cheating = end of relationship, no exceptions. It is betrayal, I consider it evil, especially from women married to a man in the service (which is shockingly, disgustingly common btw).

Tell him to get a lawyer and leave her. If kids weren't involved, I'd suggest never speaking to her again.

OP admitted HE cheated on her, a few times in fact, does this make him evil? Would you advise her to get a lawyer and leave as well?

Curious what your thoughts are about that.

It's not that people can or cannot change. It's more that life changes us and not being so rigid and inflexible that we shut down all possibilities for that to occur and what the future holds for us individually and as a couple when/if it does.

None of us know all the context, what type of marriage they have, how each has grown and evolved.

OR if she did in fact cheat.

We know the OP (or his friend) did because he told us.

Or is that somehow different?

Again just curious how you and others view this.

 

[Manure Spherian]

OP admitted HE cheated on her, a few times in fact, does this make him evil? Would you advise her to get a lawyer and leave as well?

Curious what your thoughts are about that.

It's not that people can or cannot change. It's more that life changes us and not being so rigid and inflexible that we shut down all possibilities for that to occur.

None of us know all the context, what type of marriage they have, how each has grown and evolved.

OR if she did in fact cheat.

We know the OP did because he told us.

Or is thst somehow different?

Again just curious how you and others view this.

OP’s friend seems like he is a head case himself.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

OP admitted HE cheated on her, a few times in fact, does this make him evil? Would you advise her to get a lawyer and leave as well?

Curious what your thoughts are about that.

It's not that people can or cannot change. It's more that life changes us and not being so rigid and inflexible that we shut down all possibilities for that to occur and what the future holds for us individually and as a couple when/if it does.

None of us know all the context, what type of marriage they have, how each has grown and evolved.

OR if she did in fact cheat.

We know the OP (or his friend) did because he told us.

Or is that somehow different?

Again just curious how you and others view this.

I think it's worse for a woman to cheat than a man, because men (at least experienced men) can seperate sex from emotion and their desire to cheat is almost always entirely sexual. It also depends on the circumstances. If a man cheats because it was the first opportunity he's had in 5 years to have sex and took it out of desperation, that's actually worse than a man who could cheat with dozens of women and only does it once. Think of Tiger Woods - he literally had a busloads of women ready to jump on his c0ck and he could have slept with 500 women if he wanted to, and I bet you my life savings that if a typical overweight/unnattractive married man had that same level of female desire, he would probably cheat just as much if not more than a desirable man. Think about this too: experienced men are more likely to get away with cheating than woman, because he's less likely let it effect effect how he treats his girl because he does not have an emotional attachment to the affair partners (usually). My only point here is that cheating, for an experienced man, is entirely sexual, and generally does not lead to him falling in love with affair partner.

Also consider the fact that when a woman cheats, the man can usually feel it in his gut because she will suddenly start treating him differently (pattern disruptions) because women cannot generally emotionally process sleeping with multiple men. When a woman cheats its a highly emotional experience and she's far more likely to fall in love with the guy and I would say she's doing it to monkey branch. The more sinister part is she probably was talking to guys constantly and actively allowing it to happen, women don't cheat opportunistically like men, they do it to monkey branch so they can use their BF/husband as a security blanket and that is why it's so insidious.

Men and women are not the same, so their behaviors in LTRs are not a 1:1 thing like that. So yes, generally cheating is not "equally bad" for this reason.

To be clear I am not saying it's ever okay for a man to cheat, and while I still think it's a shvtty and cruel thing to do, it's not necessarily always as bad as a woman doing it. If a man does it with multiple different women habitually, then I would agree it's equally bad. I would also say also equally insidious when a man intends to leave his wife/gf for another woman and uses his wife/gf as a security blanket to monkey branch until he can find another option (which is what women typically do, but if a man does it then yes it's just as bad). So basically it does come down to intentions and circumstances.

If a man cheats once, I don't necessary think it has to end the relationship (though I would understand if any women wanted to and I wouldn't question it). But when a women cheats I really just don't think the relationship can ever be salvaged because there are so many behaviors associated with it that are actually worse than the physical act of cheating, if that makes sense.

 

[Manure Spherian]

5 years to have sex and took it out of desperation,

This actually isn’t cheating. Withholding sex was historically grounds for divorce pre “no fault divorce” (clown marriage).

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

This actually isn’t cheating. Withholding sex was historically grounds for divorce pre “no fault divorce” (clown marriage).

I actually meant if a married man hasn't had the chance to even cheat in 5 years, even if he's still having sex with his wife. If the man is still having sex with his wife but still jumps at the first opportunity to have sex with the 3rd women in his entire life, then that's way more fvcked up than a man who could have cheated with 100 different women but only did it once.

Otherwise, on your comment, I do agree that if a wife refuses to have sex with her husband for long periods of time, then it's her fault he cheated. And yes, that does go both ways. If a man stops having sex with his wife, or even stops fvcking her good/making her orgasm, then it's his fault if she cheats...but that point is actually moot, because if a marriage is at that "dead bedroom" stage, it's already over, regardless of cheating.

 

[Borknagar]

Hey gents,

I have been in this forum for years. I have taken a lot from this platform which has undoubtedly helped me a lot.
My friends have asked for help from me a lot of times re relationships, sex, approaching women etc. Usually, I either give them some advice or ask them to join this forum to get help. However, recently one of my close friends who I consider an alpha male (Not sure even if that’s a term now) said that he found out that his then girlfriend and now wife had some sort of affair with another guy 4 years ago. They’re married for 2 years now. He could not be sure if he was cheated on or she was just seeking some male comfort when he was away for about 6 months. He has asked me for some advice on how to deal with it and I seriously had no answer. He is not in the condition to come upto this forum and seek help. Is there anything you guys would advice on how to deal with it? He counts on me for suggestions but I am unsure as to what I can say at this stage.

I'd tell him to hide all his assets and divorce her ass and never make the same mistake of getting married and trusting them again.