99% sure gf is cheating

[Bible_Belt]

Living in another town, announcing that we are "on a break", then allowing a 3 minute phone call once a week, does not a relationship make. At some point, you're just going to have to learn how to take a hint. Women aren't going to tell you "I'm no longer interested in a relationship with you" or "stop calling me". Stop looking for that formal break up or closure.

She said 'I need space.' If she says 'break' I will be rushing to find another girl. And she texted me, twice, the second time, 'are you ok?' If I just ignore her, then I am creating drama. I'm not calling her until she calls me, though. I know I don't listen very well, but I am at least not bothering the girl.

 

[joekerr31]

'i need space' and 'break' are hte same f*cking thing.

dude, you have no f*cking clue how far in the sand your head is right now.

your biggest problem isn't even her.

your biggest problem, and its going to keep being a BIG problem in your life, is how you don't see reality for what it is.

its like watching a blind man walk out into the highway and you're screaming 'GET THE F*CK OUT OF THE WAY! GET OFF THE HIGHWAY! MOVE MVOE MOVE! A MAC TRUCK IS COMING. GET OUT OF THERE!"

and the blind guy just spins around in circles replying "WHAT? WHAT HIGHWAY? I THOUGHT THIS WAS WALMART."

then SPLAT.

 

[joekerr31]

btw, you would make a GREAT defense attorney. i dont mean that as a criticism. i mean that seriously.

one of the toughest things sometimes is defending people that appear pretty guilty.

but you really do stick to the 'if theres 1% chance that they aren't you must acquit' type of logic.

anyway, big bucks to be made by defense attorneys. look at the crockman 'if it don't fit you must take a sh*t' - i think that was his line

 

[Vulpine]

Listen...three things that combined show she cheated or was about to cheat.

1- she did not want to spend 4th of July with you

2- she did not call, text, IM, or email you

3- she and a certain he went private on MySpace

Not only, but also...

4. she is on drugs for ocd (read: "mentally ill")

5. she is a LDR

6. Perhaps I'm mistaken, but didn't you mention back there that she doesn't have a paying job? Like, an "unpaid internship"? Where's the money coming from? Just how much debt does this hooker have?


And the biggest one of all...

7. You are unhappy with her


Dude, no, really....

You are unhappy with her

Sounds really fuxing stupid when it's read like that, doesn't it?

You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her

Forest through the trees.

 

[decades]

And the biggest one of all...

7. You are unhappy with her


Dude, no, really....

You are unhappy with her

Sounds really fuxing stupid when it's read like that, doesn't it?

You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her
You are unhappy with her

Forest through the trees.

Remember what we tell folks? Watch their actions not their words? Same goes here. It's So obvious he has no intention of changing things. Read this thread like a novel front to back and you'll get the picture. Pay attention to how he responds to advice. He admitted that he likes the up and down dysfunction of the push / pull, so why would he give that up? No, he is not At All unhappy with her. On the contrary, this situation has him in Hog Heaven. Like her, he is not emotionally invested in this "relationship (cheating "gf" does not bother him). This is plainly obvious from his responses. I think they are each in it for the drama, attention, make up sex, and emotional thrills of the push / pull. He admitted he does the ole push / pull to her too. This is the classic dance of the commitment-phobe. So I suggest that there isn't a lot more we can do for this guy except feed him more narcissistic "supply". And I don't think any of us want to do that.

 

[joekerr31]

i honestly believe the major reason most guys end up seeing a woman wearing these strange AFC glasses is because they are already at the bottom of a slippery slope.

i've used this analogy before, i'll use it again. a relationship is like buying a stock.

a lot of people lost a LOT of money during the bubble bust of 2000-2004.

but why?

take a stock like Nortel that was trading at $120+.

it drops to 80 bucks. did people sell? NOPE. h*ll, some people were buying!
why? because when they bought the stock they had this fantasy / hope of it going even higher. when it dropped to 80, sure that was painful, but people want to believe it would go back up.

then it drops to 60. SH*T!!!! f*ck, i've lost half my money. it's crazy to sell now. i might as well just hold on for the long run, im sure it will come back up as the market realizes the stock is undervalued.

OMG! its down to 30. now i've lost my shirt. no f*cking point selling at this point. might as well let it ride and hope it sky rockets back up.

OMFG! its down to 5 bucks. what a total waste. theres definiely no point selling now. the stocks are almost worth nothing.

OMG! its down to under 1 dollar! Jesus, i hate this company.

now you think surely NO ONE would be stupid enough to stick with a stock as it fell from over 120 bucks to under one dollar right? and yet thousands of people did.

you see, the more we lose the more we want to stay in the game and win our losses back.

and with bible and his girl, she might have been worth 120 bucks at one point, but now shes worth about 30 bucks. the question is whether he's going to ride this one out until he's lost everything.

you see, smart investors buy a stock and stick with the stock, even through minor ups and downs. but when a stock starts to drastically lose value, say 20% or more, they SELL the f*cking thing. they put their ego aside, admit to themselves that they made a bad pick and minimize the damage!

now, really smart investors diversify. this way, even if one stock tanks its offset by other stocks that are going up!

this is EXACTLY how men should treat women. date a bunch of them, limit your initial investment, accept that there will be fluctuations in her value to your life, and SELL when her value is clearly lower than you expected it would be.

but what can you do. some idiots are just set on buying ONE stock and holding on to it as it crashes all the way to the bottom, leaving them crying in their beer and their wallet empty.

always see a woman as though she were a stock investment and its pretty easy to know what to do with her most of the time.

if she's performing well, h*ell, invest more in her!
if she's performing fairly average, then just let your investment ride.
if she's performing poorly then watch her closely and be ready to get rid of her.
if she's performing really poorly then dump her.

its really not that complicated.

 

[cordoncordon]

Good analogy joeker.

Main thing here is the guy just isn't going to listen, so he might as well learn from what is about to happen and hopefully it won't happen again.

OT: Joeker, I actually make my living daytrading stocks. I have a good little tip for you. MLXO. At about 1.5 cents. They will be coming out with some major bio diesel, trans fat replacement acquisitions very very soon, as in probably by next week. Stock should head towards 50 cents by the fall. This info is gold my friend. Gold. And the great thing no one really knows about this, AND the float is only 55 million or so, and an outstanding share count of 150 million, so it does not take much to move the stock. Good thing about this company too is compared to most other penny stocks...... its a real company, compared to most of the other penny stock companies out there that are all scams.

 

[Slickster]

Send her a bouquet of flowers.

Get the flower shop to write something really vague on the card.

eg. "Can't wait to see you again." or "Thinking of you." (something like that.)

Tell them specifically to leave your name OFF the card.

Next time you talk to her you will have a good idea of whether she's cheating or not. She'll either ask you about the flowers or she won't.

If she brings it up then there is a good chance she isn't cheating because there is no way in hell she would want you to know about another dude sending her flowers if she was. Too much guilt.

If she doesn't mention it then dump her right away. She's not your gf or your friend.

Either way you get your answer for a measley $20.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Send her a bouquet of flowers.

Get the flower shop to write something really vague on the card.

eg. "Can't wait to see you again." or "Thinking of you." (something like that.)

Tell them specifically to leave your name OFF the card.

Next time you talk to her you will have a good idea of whether she's cheating or not. She'll either ask you about the flowers or she won't.

If she brings it up then there is a good chance she isn't cheating because there is no way in hell she would want you to know about another dude sending her flowers if she was. Too much guilt.

If she doesn't mention it then dump her right away. She's not your gf or your friend.

Either way you get your answer for a measley $20.

That's seems to be a pretty good test Slickster, have you tried it?

BB, my take on this is..I'll state the obvious, you are in a sh!tty position and are unhappy with this woman. She's treating you like crap.

It's times like this, that truly test our manhood. Hence, all the great responses on this thread. Her true colors maybe showing, but now is when your true colors are showing.

You need to be a rock, BB, a pillar of stone. Strength is the answer, make a decision and stick to it. Do not waver or falter. When your world around you starts to shake like an earthquake, it's strength of character that will keep it all together. Ie, the strongest pillar remains standing tall at the end.

I sometimes think that women have a 6th sense of being able to sniff out weakness..

 

[Sinistar]

This ends badly for BB no matter what he does. But it is impossible for him to see the chaos because he's on the inside looking out. He needs one of his really good buddies to come over and thwack him upside the head once or twice to knock him out of the BS reality he is creating.

Sometime people need to hit rock bottom to know where they really stand. He's been told by countless *good* observers where he stands but he's still trusting his senses.

A few thousand posts tells us you would spot the situation immediately, realize it for what it is and MOVE FORWARD with your life instead of entering into hilarious rationalizations to not accept that it's failed. Your rationalization of "I'd be the one cheating if I screwed around and she never had" has got to make one of the top 10.

I changed my mind after reading more. I say just keeping chase her. Get back together. Do what *feels* right right now. Then come back when the dust cloud settles and read your posts and learn from it. And that feeling in your gut - I suspect you'll find a greater appreciation for it in the next few weeks.

I feel bad for you dude, it sucks when things end. But trying to change it only makes the ending louder and faster!!!

 

[speed dawg]

Bible Belt....

It's your old pal Speed Dawg. Remember, we've IM'ed about religion and things like that before. I'm more of a lurker these days, on this site. But you're post stood out to me. You've been around a long time, sort of like me. That's why it shocked me to see you post this.

This is one subject that I KNOW, first hand, something about. Your whole situation that you described, I've been through. It's actually what pushed me to sosuave.com in 2004. It's tough, nerve wracking, mind-boggling, etc. but I've learned so much because of that particular girl. She's nothing to me now. I suggest you do the same. Chalk this up to what it is, learn from the situation, and she will be nobody over a matter of time. The amount of time you spend hawking over this is COMPLETELY your choice.

The sentiments around here are correct. I did what you did. I made rationalizations. I held out hope. I drove by her fukking house at night. I begged. I pleaded. I bought her stuff (which her and the guy she was "cheating" with probably laughed about). She said she needed space. She said it would make our relationship stronger. Your situation exactly. She quit answering her phone. She was always busy. I harped on her every last word. I was pathetic.

But.....

I grabbed my nuts and pulled myself out of AFC'dom forever. The next year was occupied by the most prolific success with women of my life. I held the key. Suddenly those girls were being AFC to me. I could go on and on.

Bottom line is this, pal: It's over. I have so much knowledge about this situation that I could talk for hours. Let me know if I can be of any help, because I know how bad it SEEMS like it sucks right now. Don't do what I did. Don't stick around. Get your TV and get out of there. Keep the dignity that you have left. Make yourself understand that you do not need this chick. Because guess what, you don't.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Speed dawg, all of that happened to me as well with my ex-wife. I am stronger because of it, although that may be hard to see here.

didn't you mention back there that she doesn't have a paying job? Like, an "unpaid internship"? Where's the money coming from? Just how much debt does this hooker have?

Oh, you'll love this - about 80 grand. And she'll make only about 40 k/yr out of school, and she wants to live in a city where it's expensive. I, on the other hand, will be debt-free by Christmas. I'm the one with the money compared to her.

If she had not taken this internship, I would have taken her to Paris this summer and proposed, giant diamond ring an all. HA! You think I'm a chump now, but I have gotten somewhat better. No ring for her.

Part of what keeps me holding on is that all of this happened in February when we broke up for a few weeks. I could have posted the same thread and gotten all of the same advice. But then I never would have gotten back with her and had the past few months, which have been great up until now. Like I said, most of the time she is the afc for me. Also, remember that I am the one who caused these problems by being sh!tty to her when I visited. She was practically throwing me out as I left, because we weren't getting along. If she had decided she wanted space completely out of the blue, then I would be even more suspicious. Last time we broke up, she was sick once and I told her I'd rather go watch football than take care of her; she freaked out that she was in love with someone who would hurt her and crawled into her shell as a defense mechanism. I didn't quit on her, and it worked out. Maybe it will this time, maybe it won't. I'm not that worried any more. The next month will pass and either we will break up or we won't. I'm not going to be devastated, as I said I've been there before. Life goes on.

And you're right, I don't need her. Maybe I do like the roller coaster. When it is good with her, it's better than it's ever been with anyone. But when it's bad, it's very bad. It's like the highs are not possible without the lows. I think I would be bored with a sane woman.

I appreciate all of the advice, frustrating as it must be that I am not following conventional wisdom. The reasons for dumping her now seem to be based on fear, paranoia, foolish pride, and the indiscretions of all the other women in the world. In 30 days I can see her face to face, and then we can either break up or not.

 

[STR8UP]

The sentiments around here are correct. I did what you did. I made rationalizations. I held out hope. I drove by her fukking house at night. I begged. I pleaded. I bought her stuff (which her and the guy she was "cheating" with probably laughed about). She said she needed space. She said it would make our relationship stronger. Your situation exactly. She quit answering her phone. She was always busy. I harped on her every last word. I was pathetic.

I was in a similar position with my last LTR, although my problem had less to do with turning AFC than it did me needing cold, hard proof that she was up to no good.

See, I was over my AFC days by then. But I still hadn't completely learned my lesson about what I need to do when a woman starts to distance herself from me.

I caught her out at 3am. She was at this dudes place. I loaded up all her stuff in a box and dropped it on her doorstep while she was out.

I had seen red flags aplenty during the couple of weeks prior to that incident. One night she was supposed to be at my place at midnight and she finally showed up at 5am saying she fell asleep. Yea right.

I should have left her sh!t on her doorstep and walked quietly away, never to talk to her again. But NOOOOOOO.....I had to confront her. I had to scream at her. I had to tell her what a worthless b!tch she was. And it got me NOWHERE.

She started crying (an award winning performance, I assure you). She came up with all kinds of stories. She climbed on the hood of my car and wouldn't let me leave.

I should have just walked away and moved on with my life, but I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. I KNEW BETTER, but I was determined to find out the truth. I was determined to bust her redhanded. I had to know for sure. If there was a .00000000000000000001% chance that i could be imagining it, I had to know.

So I kept her around for awhile until I got my smoking gun.

I finally broke it off with her and she basically turned into a stalker.

We had a trip to Vegas that was planned months ago that was coming up. tickets bought and paid for long ago.

Me being the dumbass I was at the time, agreed to go to Vegas with her if she agreed to stop harassing me (I know....what was I thinking??).

She agreed, and held up to her end of the bargain.

We ended up going to Vegas and had a great time, but it was nothing more than me denying the inevitable and going with what felt good at the time.

So we get back, and I ended up seeing her once a week or so.

Then I went overseas for two weeks. Came back and ran into her at a club. She put on a nice show for me, making out with some dude, making sure I was watching.

I tried to walk away, but for some reason it seemed like they were following me.

I confronted her about how fukked up it was for her to throw that in my face. I yelled at her and walked out the door.

We exchanged a couple of emails over the next few days, which basically amounted to her saying how I was the worst boyfriend ever, and she hopes no one ever has to go through what I put her through. One minute I am like a god, the next she is stomping me like a ****roach. And it isn't any fun getting stomped like a ****roach by some chick who disrespected you. SHE was the one who deserved what I got, but because I held on guess who it was that took the fall? Yep, that would be me. And it's gonna be you if you don't wake up.

But.....

I grabbed my nuts and pulled myself out of AFC'dom forever. The next year was occupied by the most prolific success with women of my life. I held the key. Suddenly those girls were being AFC to me. I could go on and on.

Which brings me to where I am at today.

I don't care how much I am into a chick. If I see things I don't like, SHE GETS DUMPED. My self respect will not be put on the line again. The pain of BREAKING UP with someone goes away MUCH faster than the pain of GETTING DUMPED. Especially when it's in a very disrespectful manner.

Since then I have been in a couple of casual relationships where the chick was more into me than the other way around (at least in the beginning). Both of these chicks eventually flaked on me, but I just smiled and walked away. No need to get upset. It is what it is.

I now understand that you gain little and lose much when you do anything OTHER than walk away without so much as a word.

Trust all of us, that's what you need to do. Right now you are driving about 90 towards a cliff with no brakes. You still have time to turn the wheel, but the clock is ticking.....

 

[##17]

Speed dawg, all of that happened to me as well with my ex-wife. I am stronger because of it, although that may be hard to see here.



Oh, you'll love this - about 80 grand. And she'll make only about 40 k/yr out of school, and she wants to live in a city where it's expensive. I, on the other hand, will be debt-free by Christmas. I'm the one with the money compared to her.

If she had not taken this internship, I would have taken her to Paris this summer and proposed, giant diamond ring an all. HA! You think I'm a chump now, but I have gotten somewhat better. No ring for her.

Part of what keeps me holding on is that all of this happened in February when we broke up for a few weeks. I could have posted the same thread and gotten all of the same advice. But then I never would have gotten back with her and had the past few months, which have been great up until now. Like I said, most of the time she is the afc for me. Also, remember that I am the one who caused these problems by being sh!tty to her when I visited. She was practically throwing me out as I left, because we weren't getting along. If she had decided she wanted space completely out of the blue, then I would be even more suspicious. Last time we broke up, she was sick once and I told her I'd rather go watch football than take care of her; she freaked out that she was in love with someone who would hurt her and crawled into her shell as a defense mechanism. I didn't quit on her, and it worked out. Maybe it will this time, maybe it won't. I'm not that worried any more. The next month will pass and either we will break up or we won't. I'm not going to be devastated, as I said I've been there before. Life goes on.

And you're right, I don't need her. Maybe I do like the roller coaster. When it is good with her, it's better than it's ever been with anyone. But when it's bad, it's very bad. It's like the highs are not possible without the lows. I think I would be bored with a sane woman.

I appreciate all of the advice, frustrating as it must be that I am not following conventional wisdom. The reasons for dumping her now seem to be based on fear, paranoia, foolish pride, and the indiscretions of all the other women in the world. In 30 days I can see her face to face, and then we can either break up or not.

You sound like a drama-starved chick. Disagree? Reread this post in a week.

If you knew all along that you werent going to take our advice (because in your mind, we dont understand your specific situation), then why the hell did you waste everyone's time by posting this thread in the first place?

I wish you luck, you're gonna need it.

 

[jophil28]

Hey BB, you have received a LOT of the best advice and tough love from the guys here on MM. WE DO care that one of us is getting lied to and f**ked over by another cheating ' lady'.( allegedly )
However I just read the last sentence of your last post.
It went something like ," In 30 days I can see her face to face,and THEN we can either breakup or NOT." !!! SO you are willing to wait another 30 precious days to let her try to convince you to stay with her by using some girly con trick.Huh !
Dude, the law decides the fate of defendants based on EVIDENCE. You have strong circumstantial evidence that she is GONE. You also have US teeling you that she is GONE. AND you also have your GUT telling you that she is gone.
SO why are you still hanging on to some feeble hope that this is all a misunderstanding.?
If you have, in fact, wrongly suspected her of cheating AND we are wrong AND your gut is wrong ,then ,when you dump her she will come stampeding back with a powerful body of evidence to prove her innocence.
If she is guilty as charged then she will whimper and cry and play "victim' games and THEN you can DUMP her AZZ a second time - good riddance.

 

[Vulpine]

Oh, you'll love this - about 80 grand. And she'll make only about 40 k/yr out of school, and she wants to live in a city where it's expensive. I, on the other hand, will be debt-free by Christmas. I'm the one with the money compared to her.

Dude, $80 grand? What the ƒuck is wrong with you? That is a modest house in debt! Rings and Paris?

And you think she'd pay that off anytime soon with a 40k job?

She would have payed it off in 3 years, actually.

Too bad she couldn't keep up the perfect angel act through the honeymoon. She almost could've gotten half your §hit, huh?

Better luck next time, gold digging who®e.

Meanwhile, you need to go find a nice cozy wall and beat your head against it.

 

[Mustache]

The consensus wisdom answer is to forget the girl and find another. But then if I'm wrong about her cheating, I become the one cheating. She might actually not be, has never cheated before on previous LTRs ....

You did just as I did

I cheated a lot because I felt cheated
At the end, I found out that she had never cheated on me

I went to therapy because of guilty feelings
Now after lots of therapy I feel like there is a cheater inside of me
And I have to fight "him" every day

Mustache

 

[Bonhomme]

Well, the easiest way out of the "cheating" issue is a straightforward break-up.

With all due respect, reading this thread made me think about one of my buddies. Whenever the subject of his ex comes up, he looks downward, and says: "You, stop thinking for me!"

 

[Bible_Belt]

postscript - 1 year later

I called her a few days ago on her birthday. Other than a myspace message or two, that was the first time we've spoken; we talked for an hour. She was very happy to hear from me. She had a boyfriend in Sep-Oct of last year, a guy from school, but then he turned into a jealous AFC and they broke up, yet she had to sit in the same classes as him and see him at school. She said that their breakup messed her up, and she has not dated anyone since then.

She's in a bar review class that I could be attending, but am not. She was urging me to go, telling me that she would save me a seat next to her. I think she'd love to flaunt me in front of her ex, who is also in that review class. She's fascinated that I'm doing mma, or at least acts like it. I think she'd love to have me back.

But I have someone else. I know she has to be jealous, she asked me a lot of questions about my current gf - she had been looking at her myspace page. I know I could just show up at this girl's door and be fvcking her right away, but other than being a natural blond with no gag reflex , she does not offer anything that my current gf already does not provide. It is strange to be in a position of rejecting the same woman whom I was dying over just a year ago. She and I obviously have feelings for each other, both in and out of the bedroom, but I think part of growing up and being a 'mature man' is learning that's not enough. Two people can care about each other, love each other, and have great sex, yet still be incompatible in a relationship.

I think I am finally learning how to keep the power with a woman. I was miserable for a while after my divorce, like I was with this breakup, but those stories both ended the same way, the woman who dumped me wanting me back and me rejecting her. Now in my current relationships, I am the one doing the dumping and holding the power. If I could sum up my stance on relationships, it would be "everything my way or not at all, because I have options."

 

[CGE333]

Glad to see you are in a better place. I too have been in the situation of taking a break up very hard and then with some time and perspective realizing how it was actually a good thing. Plus i have noticed that most of my self improvement and growth come when I was between LTR's.