40 - single/celibate for two years - no confidence - what now?

[JohnyTheArrow]

Bear in mind that I'm in the UK.

Tonight I went out. Long story short:

Went out
Looked around at women
Instantly realised that I was WAY inferior to their beauty
Envisioned a stream of hate pouring from them should I dare to go within ten feet of them
Had panic attack
Came home

Disgusted with myself

You either trolling or have some issues with self esteem.

 

[Moy_1974]

You either trolling or have some issues with self esteem.

No I'm not a troll.
Yes I'm seeing a psychologist for my self-esteem. 'Running game' on women is a pipe dream at present. I signed up on here for advice on how to get out of this rut.

 

[020204]

Steroids would be a pretty silly move, lower bodyfat can be achieved simply by upping the cardio, not really necessary getting on the gear as it is a bit short sighted, maybe worth looking at when you are older. Stay natural, better being natural and healthy than taking that junk.

 

[Rubirosa]

No, because James Bond is a fictional character. Read my opening post in this thread for the full story.

I did (read your opening post). That's why I'm posting. Yes, JB is a fictional character, but that doesn't take away from the fact that he's a good blueprint for a man's character. Inspiration can be found in any form, fictional or not.

 

[Oxide]

I know exactly what you mean. In the same boat for the last 1.5 years. Only I went from a breakup to being dead broke for quite a while, that does wonders for confidence.

Hi everyone, new user to this place.

My story is in the thread title. The details are as follows:

I split with my ex in January 2013, we were engaged. My confidence was pretty low at this point.

Later on that year a friend suggested online dating, so I signed up to POF. Big mistake, you know the drill. Ignored over and over and over again by women who I'd easily be able to date in real life (if my confidence was on point) Lower standards, repeat. Lower standards still, repeat. End up with the only interest being from women aged 45-55 (I was 39 then) who were flat out obese.

when you 'had it', would you ever give ANY second thought to this, or ignore it? Yeah, when I was skinny fat girls were all over me. I started going to the gym AND CHANGED and a fat girl hasn't hit on me in years.

I also had women messaging me out of the blue to tell me how ugly I am and to give me grief for being 5ft 8ins. Height never an issue in real life, on POF it is like a murder confession!! Ended up leaving POF with my confidence below sea level. I work out regularly, that's me in my profile pic when viewing my profile. Am I THAT bad?

No, you aren't that bad, but do some stuff to make yourself look younger/healthier. Tan?(vacation would be good), etc. Don't need to go crazy and order dbol, you don't need that much "work"

Further to that, a female colleague got wind of the fact that I was attracted to her (September 2013) and was so disgusted that she still won't speak to me now.

So, she's a *****, unless you aren't giving the correct version/context. Have you tried talking to her normally without thinking about it to see if she would reciprocate?

My confidence is in ruins, I look at the floor when women are nearby now. Tried POF again. More of the same.

What do I do now to get my confidence back? Right now I feel repulsive.

Stay away from online sites. It's desperation and numbers game with such small success rate that you'll just feel ****tier.


Look, I wrote like 2 pages as a reply but in the end it's just mental mastrubation.

Let's face the facts, shall we? For me.

Was fun guy. Decided I wanted a relationship.
Got into one.. was wondering if she's attractive enough.
liked her. she loved me.
got scared after a year. left.
she put me on a guilt trip.
i was broke for awhile.
sad and depressed so feel bad about myself and no energy.
feel like I'm a jerk and hence girls shouldn't even talk to me.
don't look people in the eye.
= hard to meet or date girls.

Yet I ****ed like 10 since I broke up. Because when THE MOMENT WAS ON THE LINE, I said "listen, dude, either you flex your nuts now, or you WILL lose this chance. Put up or shut up."

Anytime I allowed myself to shut up, I just felt worse, and no, excuses don't help, they're all bull****.


So what am I going to Do? Well I have to find the joy as the fun In life. Be less sad and open up more about my feelings to understand from another perspective. To know whether I'm lying to myself. Think about what's more important to me now at this stage of my life. Only then plan a course of action and where women stand. So what are you going to do?


Our journeys continue... right now we are at the part which sucks and we gotta change something. Find things that make us excited about life, PUSH ourselves to understand we have much more in the tank than we've allowed ourselves to accept, and set new exciting goals for the future that would make us want to get out of bed. I don't think I can go back to the person I was when I met my ex - I am smarter/wiser/ now and understand the needs of other people more. Right now we feel no chick would want us because <insert whatever>, but I think they wouldn't want us because we wouldn't be present there for them, we wouldn't show our true selves, and let things go as we actually want them. Do you want a chick who thinks about her ex half the time? So think forward, cut off the past. YOu know who you are? What did you do the last two months, what is your routine? THAT's who you are right now. Now make some changes into that routine to be more like a guy you'd want to be. Put out the 'how will i get a relationship and KEEP it' out of your mind. That bull**** have kept me from having FUN now, today! Some of these chicks are on vacation or have boyfriends and they would never date me anyway, so why the **** would I eject when that's not even on the table. Gotta start over, decide what I want now and understand it will take time getting to know someone if I decide to be with them...a long time, and it wont' be the next girl or the one after her, because I hooked up with maybe 50 girls before I thought of having one as a gf.


Don't look at porn for a month. Be serious about this.

Interests:
Gym, jogging, guitar, concerts

When was the last time you played guitar or went to a concert?

Just shift the focus. Want me to prove to you that you can? Next time you go out, either repeat "I love myself" over and over as you look at people and talk to them, or even "I love these ****ers, I know what's happening and I'm a part of it." OR, just look mad, like you're cool but mad and on a mission. Both work, but ideally just exhaust yourself every day to stop the thinking and reply to yourself "I had a pretty cool day, did some cool things. I'm doing alright."

 

[LiveFreeX]

How is James Bond a blueprint for a good character? What is this nonsense, he never existed on Earth and never will. That's like saying that the Care bears are good blue prints for well behaved children...

Is Luke Skywalker a good blue print for a man today? What about Han Solo or Captain Picard? Are you guys serious? First of all let me tell you something about REAL law enforcement. The job is incredibly fvkin boring, dangerous and most times you are scared ****less. Stick any job into a movie and ACTORS will do their best to make it more heroic, dramatic and action packed then it actually is. If James Bond were real you'd know that the 007 designation changes everytime a JB dies or retires... he would have either been dead or retired and probably checked himself into an insane asylum... or maybe Q would have done it for him. Seeing the remnants of a fire fight or a suicide, it ain't pretty and it causes men to frequently go insane. It's funny how hollywood portrays a gunshot... almost no blood or body bits, same for a punch to the face. You can kill a man with a punch, you can also easily break your fist and arm permanently. James Bond does not evolve from the violence that occurs around him and THAT is not realistic at all. At one point in my life I busted up someone's face and when I stepped back I noticed I had several of my own bones portruding through my hand in various places... sh1t like this changes you. James Bond? The guy would be a basket case by now. PTSD is real and happens for a reason, the human mind wasn't meant to inflict serious violence or harm on other humans.. that's why you get the bad feeling in your gut after hurting another person or seeing the blood and guts of roadkill.

Saying what would JB do is akin to believing in the boogie man, he is not an archetype for any sort of man. You guys need to get your heads in the game, Hollywood does not represent any sort of value you can apply to life on Earth.
The problem with Americans today is they are trying to seek guidance and moral value from people that have none. You want to find a blue print for a good man, bury your head in some human biographies and learn from experience. My grandfather served in WW2, lost 3 brothers, killed dozens of Nazis. Did he smile whenever he talked about killing evil NAZIS, hell no, he'd breakdown crying, those Nazis were just young men like he was. My uncle went to Nam and napalmed gooks, after the war spent most of his time by himself in a corner and then the latter half of his life back in NAM making amends and pursuing relationships with the Vietnamese... Big war heroes, masculine warriors, ALPHA male personalities are made up by imaginations of writers, Hollywood and male fantasy.

 

[Oxide]

Live free has a good point. I just came back from cancun where I met a lot of South American girls. Much much easier to talk to to relate to to have fun with. I didn't say easier to sleep with but when I have those things going you always feel pretty good no matter what happens. To op I'd go find a girl friend to talk to. Make a friend out of a girl so you don't get caught up on desperately chasing every one you see no matter how old. I told u I understand.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Chef survives in air bubble of sunken ship for more than two days

June 13 2013

After two days trapped in freezing cold water and breathing from an air bubble in an upturned tugboat under the ocean, Harrison Okene was sure he was going to die. Then a torch light pierced the darkness.
Ship's cook Okene, 29, was on board the Jascon-4 tugboat when it capsized on May 26 due to heavy Atlantic ocean swells about 32 kilometres off the coast of Nigeria, while stabilising an oil tanker filling up at a Chevron platform.


Of the 12 people on board, divers recovered 10 dead bodies while a remaining crew member has not been found.
Somehow Okene survived, breathing inside a 1.2-metre-high bubble of air as it shrunk in the waters slowly rising from the ceiling of the tiny toilet and adjoining bedroom where he sought refuge, until two South African divers eventually rescued him.


"I was there in the water in total darkness just thinking it's the end. I kept thinking the water was going to fill up the room but it did not," Okene said, parts of his skin peeling away after days soaking in the salt water.
"I was so hungry but mostly so, so thirsty. The salt water took the skin off my tongue," he said. Seawater got into his mouth but he had nothing to eat or drink throughout his ordeal.
At 4:50 a.m. on May 26, Okene says he was in the toilet when he realised the tugboat was beginning to turn over. As water rushed in and the Jascon-4 flipped, he forced open the metal door.
"As I was coming out of the toilet it was pitch black so we were trying to link our way out to the water tidal [exit hatch]," Okene told Reuters in his home town of Warri, a city in Nigeria's oil-producing Niger Delta.
"Three guys were in front of me and suddenly water rushed in full force. I saw the first one, the second one, the third one just washed away. I knew these guys were dead."
What he didn't know was that he would spend the next two and a half days trapped under the sea praying he would be found.
Turning away from his only exit, Okene was swept along a narrow passageway by surging water into another toilet, this time adjoining a ship's officers cabin, as the overturned boat crashed onto the ocean floor. To his amazement he was still breathing.
Okene, wearing only his underpants, survived around a day in the 1.2-metre-square toilet, holding onto the overturned washbasin to keep his head out of the water.
He built up the courage to open the door and swim into the officer's bedroom and began pulling off the wall paneling to use as a tiny raft to lift himself out of the freezing water.
He sensed he was not alone in the darkness.
"I was very, very cold and it was black. I couldn't see anything," says Okene, staring into the middle distance.
"But I could perceive the dead bodies of my crew were nearby. I could smell them. The fish came in and began eating the bodies. I could hear the sound. It was horror."
What Okene didn't know was a team of divers sent by Chevron and the ship's owners, West African Ventures, were searching for crew members, assumed by now to be dead.
Then in the afternoon of May 28, Okene heard them.
"I heard a sound of a hammer hitting the vessel. Boom, boom, boom. I swam down and found a water dispenser. I pulled the water filter and I hammered the side of the vessel hoping someone would hear me. Then the diver must have heard a sound."
Divers broke into the ship and Okene saw light from a head torch of someone swimming along the passageway past the room.
"I went into the water and tapped him. I was waving my hands and he was shocked," Okene said, his relief still visible.
He thought he was at the bottom of the sea, although the company says it was 30 metres below.
The diving team fitted Okene with an oxygen mask, diver's suit and helmet and he reached the surface at 19:32, more than 60 hours after the ship sank, he says.
Okene says he spent another 60 hours in a decompression chamber where his body pressure was returned to normal. Had he just been exposed immediately to the outside air he would have died.
The cook describes his extraordinary survival story as a "miracle" but the memories of his time in the watery darkness still haunt him and he is not sure he will return to the sea.
"When I am at home sometimes it feels like the bed I am sleeping in is sinking. I think I'm still in the sea again. I jump up and I scream," Okene said, shaking his head.
"I don't know what stopped the water from filling that room. I was calling on God. He did it. It was a miracle."

Reuters

This fuvker now hes a perfect blueprint for a man. Can you imagine listening to dangerous fish eating at bodies of your friends while you sit in the dark. God, that would haunt me forever. Anyway back on topic, doesn't take much to travel and with travel, you are free from garbage ass women forever.

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNzAyMzYzMTA0.html?from=y1.2-1-95.3.1-1.1-1-1-0

I've been nailing my Asian bookworm for going on 4 years and I gotta tell ya, the experience is second to none. She's never had a 'headache' and I'm in command the entire time... a little bit of Asia is the perfect medicine for yellow fever. As long as you are confident and not gullible an Asian woman can do wonders for your mind, body and soul.

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNjc2NTM1MzY0.html<-- God bless Asia.

If you can't get away from home, consider hanging out in ESL schools and Chinatowns. You could even take the CELTA and take up 'teaching' locally... easy access to LOADS of hot young women.

 

[Rubirosa]

How is James Bond a blueprint for a good character? What is this nonsense, he never existed on Earth and never will. That's like saying that the Care bears are good blue prints for well behaved children...

Is Luke Skywalker a good blue print for a man today? What about Han Solo or Captain Picard? Are you guys serious? First of all let me tell you something about REAL law enforcement. The job is incredibly fvkin boring, dangerous and most times you are scared ****less. Stick any job into a movie and ACTORS will do their best to make it more heroic, dramatic and action packed then it actually is. If James Bond were real you'd know that the 007 designation changes everytime a JB dies or retires... he would have either been dead or retired and probably checked himself into an insane asylum... or maybe Q would have done it for him. Seeing the remnants of a fire fight or a suicide, it ain't pretty and it causes men to frequently go insane. It's funny how hollywood portrays a gunshot... almost no blood or body bits, same for a punch to the face. You can kill a man with a punch, you can also easily break your fist and arm permanently. James Bond does not evolve from the violence that occurs around him and THAT is not realistic at all. At one point in my life I busted up someone's face and when I stepped back I noticed I had several of my own bones portruding through my hand in various places... sh1t like this changes you. James Bond? The guy would be a basket case by now. PTSD is real and happens for a reason, the human mind wasn't meant to inflict serious violence or harm on other humans.. that's why you get the bad feeling in your gut after hurting another person or seeing the blood and guts of roadkill.

Saying what would JB do is akin to believing in the boogie man, he is not an archetype for any sort of man. You guys need to get your heads in the game, Hollywood does not represent any sort of value you can apply to life on Earth.
The problem with Americans today is they are trying to seek guidance and moral value from people that have none. You want to find a blue print for a good man, bury your head in some human biographies and learn from experience. My grandfather served in WW2, lost 3 brothers, killed dozens of Nazis. Did he smile whenever he talked about killing evil NAZIS, hell no, he'd breakdown crying, those Nazis were just young men like he was. My uncle went to Nam and napalmed gooks, after the war spent most of his time by himself in a corner and then the latter half of his life back in NAM making amends and pursuing relationships with the Vietnamese... Big war heroes, masculine warriors, ALPHA male personalities are made up by imaginations of writers, Hollywood and male fantasy.

Let's get one thing straight....I'm posting here to help the OP....I feel for the guy and I want to help him feel better.....

I'll start with the James Bond issue. I'm not suggesting that the OP walk into a nightclub wearing a tux and ordering a Vodka martini


My "blueprint" for a man based on JB is as follows.....

He's educated
Urbane and well dressed
A bada$$ when he needs to be, but not a bully
Nothing gets in the way of his mission (job) and his objective is to finish it
Women are his recreation and diversion from the stresses of life, but not his reason for living

I could go on, but I think you get the idea (and James Bond is a product of British author Ian Fleming, not Hollywood)

and for what it's worth

I've taught adult ESL (albeit here in the States, not a foreign country), and yes, as a Caucasion teacher in front of classes full of immigrant ladies, I got my share of attention and got to feel like a rock star. I think it's a great job for a young guy fresh out of college who wants to experience the World for a few years, but to suggest to a 40 year old guy to become an ex pat just for puzzy is nonsense (your term) in my opinion....Teaching adult ESL is never going to amount to serious money that can be applied to the aquisition of real estate, nice cars, etc....(unless you open your own school)

I know you want to help him just like me, so I made a joke about it in an earlier post in this thread...I was not insulting,

It's real easy to feel like a stud when you are in a foreign place and receive a lot of attention because your skin color sets you apart from the general population....I was in this one part of Taiwan where a didn't see another White person for 3 days. When I walked through the malls, girls and women would stare at me like I was Brad Pitt....a nice ego boost, but if you're going to accuse me of being unrealistic, why don't you take your whole English class of Chinese chicks to a nightclub in Copenhagen where a bunch of tall Vikings are walking around, and see if you still get the same attention

 

[evan12]

We are all here to help him , there is no one way to success.
OP: keep us posted about your treatment , I want to know if such things can be really clinically treated .

 

[Malcontent]

OP. I've been in the same boat, so you aren't alone. I'm 36 and haven't fvked in about 2.5 years. I had myself a young HB9 for a couple years and I let her do a lobotomy on me. I have been bitter for a while and only recently trying to ask chicks out, but no luck yet. I've been feeling down for not having success with the ladies -- asking myself how I get decent looking chicks, but always have long dry spells in between. I think I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose is without having a woman to distract me. I make good money, take care of myself, have good qualities, but I keep letting lack of getting laid bring me down. So, I'm reading what these guys are telling you as if I were the OP.

 

[The_flying_dutchman]

I remember in grade school girls used to tell me i was ugly and disgusting for no reason - i`d just be minding my own business and then its "hey your ugly"... wtf, that cane from left field.... anyways some women just enjoy being cruel for no reason. I would just ignore it and keep doing your thing. And you also dont look bad.

 

[Zunder]

How is James Bond a blueprint for a good character? What is this nonsense, he never existed on Earth and never will. That's like saying that the Care bears are good blue prints for well behaved children...

Is Luke Skywalker a good blue print for a man today? What about Han Solo or Captain Picard? Are you guys serious? First of all let me tell you something about REAL law enforcement. The job is incredibly fvkin boring, dangerous and most times you are scared ****less. Stick any job into a movie and ACTORS will do their best to make it more heroic, dramatic and action packed then it actually is. If James Bond were real you'd know that the 007 designation changes everytime a JB dies or retires... he would have either been dead or retired and probably checked himself into an insane asylum... or maybe Q would have done it for him. Seeing the remnants of a fire fight or a suicide, it ain't pretty and it causes men to frequently go insane. It's funny how hollywood portrays a gunshot... almost no blood or body bits, same for a punch to the face. You can kill a man with a punch, you can also easily break your fist and arm permanently. James Bond does not evolve from the violence that occurs around him and THAT is not realistic at all. At one point in my life I busted up someone's face and when I stepped back I noticed I had several of my own bones portruding through my hand in various places... sh1t like this changes you. James Bond? The guy would be a basket case by now. PTSD is real and happens for a reason, the human mind wasn't meant to inflict serious violence or harm on other humans.. that's why you get the bad feeling in your gut after hurting another person or seeing the blood and guts of roadkill.

Saying what would JB do is akin to believing in the boogie man, he is not an archetype for any sort of man. You guys need to get your heads in the game, Hollywood does not represent any sort of value you can apply to life on Earth.
The problem with Americans today is they are trying to seek guidance and moral value from people that have none. You want to find a blue print for a good man, bury your head in some human biographies and learn from experience. My grandfather served in WW2, lost 3 brothers, killed dozens of Nazis. Did he smile whenever he talked about killing evil NAZIS, hell no, he'd breakdown crying, those Nazis were just young men like he was. My uncle went to Nam and napalmed gooks, after the war spent most of his time by himself in a corner and then the latter half of his life back in NAM making amends and pursuing relationships with the Vietnamese... Big war heroes, masculine warriors, ALPHA male personalities are made up by imaginations of writers, Hollywood and male fantasy.

Quite simply one of the best posts ever on Sosuave for telling shyt like it really is.

 

[Moy_1974]

I'm realising that this whole 'game' thing comes from developing an inner confidence, not the 'sleazy sales tricks' that I initially thought it was.

OK, I'm in my 40s (not young anymore) and I'm 5'8" - which despite being only slightly below average is deemed undateable dwarfism by the modern woman. (Interestingly enough, I never even realised that my height was such a disadvantage until I started using dating sites recently.)

How do I shake off the insecurity about my height and age?

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

I'm realising that this whole 'game' thing comes from developing an inner confidence, not the 'sleazy sales tricks' that I initially thought it was.

OK, I'm in my 40s (not young anymore) and I'm 5'8" - which despite being only slightly below average is deemed undateable dwarfism by the modern woman. (Interestingly enough, I never even realised that my height was such a disadvantage until I started using dating sites recently.)

How do I shake off the insecurity about my height and age?

I'm 5.5'' and I dont come and whine like little b|tch about my height.Grow some balls.

 

[Moy_1974]

I'm 5.5'' and I dont come and whine like little b|tch about my height.Grow some balls.

No nonsense. I like this!