10 years married w/ 3 kids, wife is cheating.

[Bosco]

Hey guys, I came across this forum when reading The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and hope I can get some useful perspectives from other red pill aware mature men.

So here’s my story: I read The Game in my 20s, hade a wild few years with many ONSs and some non exclusive LTRs before I got together with my now wife. I got a Oneitis with her, was madly in love, married her and have three kids with her in the meantime.

I always thought we had a great, honest and mostly happy relationship. However, about a year ago, within a matter of weeks, she suddenly changed completely. She said she felt stuck and unhappy with her life and had somehow lost herself over the last years.
Shortly after, I’ve found out that she had been lying to me about meeting another guy that we both knew and were somewhat friends with. It came as a complete surprise to me and I confronted her directly. She said she was sorry she lied but was afraid of my reaction if she would have told me that she’d meet with him.

As I still loved her and was afraid to lose her while she was definitely somehow in her midlife crisis, I forgave her and told her I’d support her to find herself back. I took more care of the kids to give her the freedom she said she needed and even financially supported her to start her own business with that guy she had lied to me about meeting him before.

Back then I thought that’s what a good husband would do. In the meantime I regret that decision but the business is up and running. What makes it more complicated is that a lot of common friends are clients of that business.

Long story short, after over a year now that my wife lied to me for the first time ( at least that I’ve found out about it) in the last 2 months she’s lied at least 3 more times about meeting with that guy (her business associate). I’m 99% sure she has an affair with that guy, even though she hasn’t admitted to it.

Now I’m in the situation, that I’d directly divorce her, if we wouldn’t have 3 children who I love above everything else and I want them to grow up with a father and mother. So far we could keep the kids mostly out of it, but I don’t want to keep up with the lies and probably affair of my wife anymore.

I still love and appreciate my wife for the good mother she is for my children and for the first 11 year of our relationship ( excluding the last one obviously). I’d love to make it work out somehow and could see it through in the long term. I still believe she is in a very confused state and the guy she’s seeing is manipulating her.

So my question to you, the reader, is, if you’ve successfully gone through similar **** episodes in your marriages and if so, how?
I’m willing to take uncomfortable decisions and actions but I’d really prefer so spare my children that their parents get separated.

Any well meaning suggestions (with the above in mind) are highly appreciated.

Thanks

 

[SW15]

You developed one-itis and became too much of a beta male. Your wife lost attraction for you and wanted to feel desired again. She explored her options. Male thirst is immense these days. A 35-42 year old woman with 2-3 kids doesn't have any problems finding a new man. Most men in their 30s/40s are beggars who settle for whatever woman is willing to touch their penises regularly. The guy who is banging your wife might be some thirsty guy out there but he has novelty working for him. You do not have novelty working for you.

Her lying shows she's not worth your trust or your time.

This relationship is not repairable. File for divorce tomorrow morning.

 

[Bigpapa]

Hey guys, I came across this forum when reading The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and hope I can get some useful perspectives from other red pill aware mature men.

So here’s my story: I read The Game in my 20s, hade a wild few years with many ONSs and some non exclusive LTRs before I got together with my now wife. I got a Oneitis with her, was madly in love, married her and have three kids with her in the meantime.

I always thought we had a great, honest and mostly happy relationship. However, about a year ago, within a matter of weeks, she suddenly changed completely. She said she felt stuck and unhappy with her life and had somehow lost herself over the last years.
Shortly after, I’ve found out that she had been lying to me about meeting another guy that we both knew and were somewhat friends with. It came as a complete surprise to me and I confronted her directly. She said she was sorry she lied but was afraid of my reaction if she would have told me that she’d meet with him.

As I still loved her and was afraid to lose her while she was definitely somehow in her midlife crisis, I forgave her and told her I’d support her to find herself back. I took more care of the kids to give her the freedom she said she needed and even financially supported her to start her own business with that guy she had lied to me about meeting him before.

Back then I thought that’s what a good husband would do. In the meantime I regret that decision but the business is up and running. What makes it more complicated is that a lot of common friends are clients of that business.

Long story short, after over a year now that my wife lied to me for the first time ( at least that I’ve found out about it) in the last 2 months she’s lied at least 3 more times about meeting with that guy (her business associate). I’m 99% sure she has an affair with that guy, even though she hasn’t admitted to it.

Now I’m in the situation, that I’d directly divorce her, if we wouldn’t have 3 children who I love above everything else and I want them to grow up with a father and mother. So far we could keep the kids mostly out of it, but I don’t want to keep up with the lies and probably affair of my wife anymore.

I still love and appreciate my wife for the good mother she is for my children and for the first 11 year of our relationship ( excluding the last one obviously). I’d love to make it work out somehow and could see it through in the long term. I still believe she is in a very confused state and the guy she’s seeing is manipulating her.

So my question to you, the reader, is, if you’ve successfully gone through similar **** episodes in your marriages and if so, how?
I’m willing to take uncomfortable decisions and actions but I’d really prefer so spare my children that their parents get separated.

Any well meaning suggestions (with the above in mind) are highly appreciated.

Thanks

why did you financially supported her to open a business with a guy that you knew is trouble ?

she lost any respect that was left for you exactly there . Basically you supplicated at the idea of loosing her and told her that it is ok to continue whatever she was doing with that guy

you also did not draw any hard lines for the relationship

 

[Stoic]

I’ve been married and divorced with a child.

First, sorry you are going through this. It is extremely disorienting.

Is she willing to put in a serious effort to try and save the marriage and the damage that she caused? Is she willing to give up the business? If she is, I would give counseling a go with a timetable. If things are not progressing within a couple of months or less of counseling, then I would be cutting my losses and initiating the divorce. In my case, I tried for too long to salvage something that my ex wife has no intent on ever trying to save. I was wasting my time in hindsight. However, I felt better because I did the best I could to save it.

Somewhere along the line, I think it’s likely she lost attraction for you. I would advise to begin getting in top physical and mental shape. It will benefit you tremendously for your mental and physical state and also will help attract other women in the future if this does not work out.

best of luck man.

 

[Machine10033]

My advice is get yourself an attorney and let her know you know what’s up and your divorcing her. Right now she has zero respect for you and your marriage. Subconsciously she thinks man... I got away with this once and there were no negative consequences...so why not keep going to the well. The absolute only chance you have is to get that respect back. If you meet with her... go to counseling... it still puts the ball in her court and she will still not respect you. You pack your crap and tell her it’s over it’s suddenly a shock to her system and might be enough to get her to respect you again.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Im sorry bro. My first thought is that you have a couple choices: You either play dumb, stop banging your wife, and get some affair yourself; or you can divorce.

 

[RickTheToad]

Hey guys, I came across this forum when reading The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and hope I can get some useful perspectives from other red pill aware mature men.

So here’s my story: I read The Game in my 20s, hade a wild few years with many ONSs and some non exclusive LTRs before I got together with my now wife. I got a Oneitis with her, was madly in love, married her and have three kids with her in the meantime.

I always thought we had a great, honest and mostly happy relationship. However, about a year ago, within a matter of weeks, she suddenly changed completely. She said she felt stuck and unhappy with her life and had somehow lost herself over the last years.
Shortly after, I’ve found out that she had been lying to me about meeting another guy that we both knew and were somewhat friends with. It came as a complete surprise to me and I confronted her directly. She said she was sorry she lied but was afraid of my reaction if she would have told me that she’d meet with him.

As I still loved her and was afraid to lose her while she was definitely somehow in her midlife crisis, I forgave her and told her I’d support her to find herself back. I took more care of the kids to give her the freedom she said she needed and even financially supported her to start her own business with that guy she had lied to me about meeting him before.

Back then I thought that’s what a good husband would do. In the meantime I regret that decision but the business is up and running. What makes it more complicated is that a lot of common friends are clients of that business.

Long story short, after over a year now that my wife lied to me for the first time ( at least that I’ve found out about it) in the last 2 months she’s lied at least 3 more times about meeting with that guy (her business associate). I’m 99% sure she has an affair with that guy, even though she hasn’t admitted to it.

Now I’m in the situation, that I’d directly divorce her, if we wouldn’t have 3 children who I love above everything else and I want them to grow up with a father and mother. So far we could keep the kids mostly out of it, but I don’t want to keep up with the lies and probably affair of my wife anymore.

I still love and appreciate my wife for the good mother she is for my children and for the first 11 year of our relationship ( excluding the last one obviously). I’d love to make it work out somehow and could see it through in the long term. I still believe she is in a very confused state and the guy she’s seeing is manipulating her.

So my question to you, the reader, is, if you’ve successfully gone through similar **** episodes in your marriages and if so, how?
I’m willing to take uncomfortable decisions and actions but I’d really prefer so spare my children that their parents get separated.

Any well meaning suggestions (with the above in mind) are highly appreciated.

Thanks

File for divorce. Before that, make sure your money is in order. Never, and I mean never, tolerate disrespect. It never ends well when one does. She will eventually divorce you anyway, so might as well start the process so you are in control of the process. If you have definitive proof, you can always file for an at fault divorce based on adultery. It's still illegal in many states; just "easier" to do no fault.

 

[member160761]

As I still loved her and was afraid to lose her while she was definitely somehow in her midlife crisis, I forgave her and told her I’d support her to find herself back. I took more care of the kids to give her the freedom she said she needed and even financially supported her to start her own business with that guy she had lied to me about meeting him before.

This reads like a prelude to a tragedy.

So my question to you, the reader, is, if you’ve successfully gone through similar **** episodes in your marriages and if so, how?

Look, she is not going to respect you by your words or reading books. You need to beat her up at this point. She should not love you right now, but fear you. Dunno if that helps when you already gave green light, but extreme situations require extreme solutions.

 

[Gamisch]

Hey op, sorry to hear this. You sound like a great , honest guy. Unfortunately on this forum we all know this is inevitably the outcome of modern relationships. The longer it lasts, the bigger risk you take as a man although that sounds contradicting. ( you'd think longer means stronger).

Your main question is is this salvageable. No. Nein. Njet.

Now ,I ve never been married but i do have a kid. Being in a relationship = being on drugs or really high. Once "sober" ( out of the relationship) , you'll look back not understanding why you actually allowed so much shyt.

All the details don't matter. It wouldn't even matter if she was just pulling back. This cannot be solved. But, reading your post is a bit concerning. 3 kids 10 years marriage and asking if it can be fixed means she is (joy) riding this car and you just sit in the back , hoping for her " mercy". Dhe is in control. And after a while , like someone said before me, the novelty with new guy (nre= new relationship energy) will fade away.

The ugliest part imo is women who cheat actually need the" good guy Greg's" faith in her, to make the affair more exciting. So a good ,honest mans faith gets used as a lubricant or fuel to lite up the secret affair. Without your paranoia the affair will lose a lot of steam. She will "sober up" in time, and she'll be back asking for your forgiveness. I honestly don't think you will be strong enough to resist her. Only way to do this is by walking away, and remember you did everything righteous. No blame on you.


I am kinda rambling, but I am trying to say you gotta "sober the F up" get out ,file for divorce tomorrow . Promise us you'll do that bro! It's not your task to keep an illusion up for your kids of a happy relationship while you are getting used and broken. Let her do the explaining in a few years.

 

[bmp2cpm]

[QUOTE="Bosco, post: 2975155, member: 160921"As I still loved her and was afraid to lose her while she was definitely somehow in her midlife crisis, I forgave her and told her I’d support her to find herself back. I took more care of the kids to give her the freedom she said she needed and even financially supported her to start her own business with that guy she had lied to me about meeting him before.

Back then I thought that’s what a good husband would do. In the meantime I regret that decision but the business is up and running. What makes it more complicated is that a lot of common friends are clients of that business.

Long story short, after over a year now that my wife lied to me for the first time ( at least that I’ve found out about it) in the last 2 months she’s lied at least 3 more times about meeting with that guy (her business associate).
Thanks
[/QUOTE]

Right above in your quote is the problem.

• If you were doing well financially, providing for her, and maintained an emotional connection, no woman in her right mind would want to start a businsess. Instead, she would want to follow your lead.
• Guess what..she is following the lead of her "business partner". He is her leader now and you literally enable it. That has to be the most beta thing I have ever heard of (and I allowed a lot of stupid beta stuff with my 1st wife.)
• You are not nor have you been acting like a leader of your household.
• The emotional connection was lost long ago and you did not realize it. Before this happened, how many times a week did you have cuddle time, give her a massage, or the 2 of you just spend some quiet time. I bet the answer is zero.
• I am sorry, but once the emotional connection is gone, it is near impossible to get it back. The warning signs, for whatever reason, went right over your head.
• The only thing you can do now is finally act like a leader of your household.

Good luck!

 

[Giovanni SouthSide]

Never ever let your woman prop up a business venture with another dude. I would have drawn a hard line right there and then on sight to her for even entertaining the idea. Your woman shouldn't even be having alone conversations with another man on a regular basis point blank period.

If your gut is churning with suspicion then trust it, it's there for a reason. She is more than likely going to town with dude while you are taking care of the kids. Very beta and feminine from your part, brother.

in my younger days I would have most likely pulled up on homeboy and molly wop his azz for pissing on the wrong tree.
But now that can catch you a case when you already dealing with this sh!t. Even then its not really all his fault, if your woman respected you she would have pumped his brakes and cut ties with him.

Lawyer up and give her the walking papers.
Have no pity and remorse.

 

[Gamisch]

This is why I advised him to tell her he knows she's cheating and ask for something open.

Imo a cheating woman is the worst reason to open it up. Rules like this should be established from the get go, preferably because the man wants this( because he has options).

Now she would just get away with her cheating and enjoy the "beta buxx Alpha fcks " lifestyle.

I assumed the truth was already out there,but my main concern is that op is SO blue pilled that he'll accept the cuck role,with the major excuse of " doing this for the kids", and lose another 10 year of his life to this devilish woman. He needs to get out asap.

 

[corrector]

Hey just dont worry about her. Get your mind on something else as this will bring you down. There are children involved, a divorce will ruin your reputation and good name. People who tell you to divorce are probably not married themselves and are playing the field. This is not you. She already zapped your lifeforce, made you a beta male and you cant be bothered getting into the drama of dating as you lost your mojo a long time ago and have other priorities in life where women will go in the permanent backburner once your initial efforts of finding someone new fail.

But dont take my word for it. Here is an experiment. Put up an online profile to guage your SMV. If you get no matches or bites or dates then you are better just staying with her since something is better than nothing. You dont want to be in a 5 year dry spell with devestated children because of some random advice of guys on a board like this.

 

[Gamisch]

Het, dont worry about her. There are children involved, a divorce will ruin your reputation and good name. People who yell you to divorce are probably not married themselves and are playing the field. This is not you. She already zapped your lifeforce, made you a beta male and you cant be bothered getting into the drama of dating as you lost your mojo a long time ago and have other priorities in life where women will go in the permanent backburner once your initial efforts of finding someone new fail.

But dont take my word for it. Here is an experiment. Put up an online profile to guage your SMV. If you get no matches or bites or dates then you are better just staying with her since something is better than nothing. You dont want to be in a 5 year dry spell with devestated children because of some random advice of guys on a board like this.

??? I kinda agree with your first paragraph, but c'mon. If he wants s3x, just come to Europe and fck HB8 and plus for 30 bucks a pop .

Men who agree to such deals might really snap one day, and end up killing their wives,or them selves. At some point he'll snap. I know I would.

Divorce =walking away. He cant cuck himself any further. Attraction is gone, she has a side D already, what is in it for OP? Jerking off on the couch while facilitating her cheating???

I agree his mojo is non existent right now, and she put him in a " mental debt ", but (personal experience) to get it back he got to go from minus 10 ,to default zero base level.

After being back on 0 ,he might get his mojo back and also meet someone new and nice. If he stays with her he'll piss away more valuable years, and thus reinforces the mental debt, from minus 10 to minus 100. He is like, walking south ,but needs to go north . Every day he stays he just walks away further and further from his destination and tru self.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

This forum is starting to feel more and more like the MMSL Forum of old, too bad Athol decided to muddy the waters and eventually destroy that resource for men trying to navigate their marriage issues.

Get ahold of the “MMSL Primer” it’s a pdf book that is out of print it starts you down the right path.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

[jimwho]

As I still loved her and was afraid to lose her while she was definitely somehow in her midlife crisis, I forgave her and told her I’d support her to find herself back. I took more care of the kids to give her the freedom she said she needed and even financially supported her to start her own business with that guy she had lied to me about meeting him before.

She backstabbed you big time. She is deserving of nothing else from you ever. Be gone in every way that's possible. Be a great dad.

 

[corrector]

??? I kinda agree with your first paragraph, but c'mon. If he wants s3x, just come to Europe and fck HB8 and plus for 30 bucks a pop .

Men who agree to such deals might really snap one day, and end up killing their wives,or them selves. At some point he'll snap. I know I would.

Divorce =walking away. He cant cuck himself any further. Attraction is gone, she has a side D already, what is in it for OP? Jerking off on the couch while facilitating her cheating???

I agree his mojo is non existent right now, and she put him in a " mental debt ", but (personal experience) to get it back he got to go from minus 10 ,to default zero base level.

After being back on 0 ,he might get his mojo back and also meet someone new and nice. If he stays with her he'll piss away more valuable years, and thus reinforces the mental debt, from minus 10 to minus 100. He is like, walking south ,but needs to go north . Every day he stays he just walks away further and further from his destination and tru self.

The suggestion of sex that way will just reinforce that staying with his wife is the best bet. I need not go over how dangerous that suggestion is or possibility or liklihood of dealing with traffiked women who will receive dismembered parts of their children in the mail from in their home country if they defy their pimps. Even if you get a decent prostitute who is willingly in that business then its not something that is for everyone and is untested for the OP. After all I went with one and almost needed an exorcist and meds. That never happened with my ex wife. If I did not have such an extreme reaction after seeing a prostitute then I might consider that rationale. Have you been with a prostitute before yourself?

 

[Gamisch]

The suggestion of sex that way will just reinforce that staying with his wife is the best bet. I need not go over how dangerous that suggestion is or possibility or liklihood of dealing with traffiked women who will receive dismembered parts of their children in the mail from in their home country if they defy their pimps. Even if you get a decent prostitute who is willingly in that business then its not something that is for everyone and is untested for the OP. After all I went with one and almost needed an exorcist and meds. That never happened with my ex wife. If I did not have such an extreme reaction after seeing a prostitute then I might consider that rationale. Have you been with a prostitute before yourself?

Although a prostitute is not my favourite option, is still wet cat, as real as it gets. I compare it with drinking a or maybe even drugs. It always there. While some people cant stomach the idea , it's still named " the oldest profession" with a reason .

The stigma surrounding this job is old fashioned and oddly enough mostly reinforced by men, not women. Men wanna " protect" these women, while those women just want money and financial independency. These women have boyfriends, who know what they do and basically reap the benefits from her incoming cashflow.

Yes I've been to prostitutes.30 frsaking bucks a pop, and hot women...go lm a tinder date to eat some and you'll spend 3 to 4 tines as much , and you might get nothing. And tbh, it wasn't much different from having a ONS. Of course it much less passionate but the deed = the deed. Intercourse, you come, you go. For a man on a long dry spell it's there. Whether you use it or not, it wont stop because Corrector and Gamisch dont like it.

Just like being a prostitute is a always lurking available option for women , so if visiting one always an option for men. You might not like it, but there are many many thousands of women doing it right now, and all these woman have multiple clients. Under the radar shyt happening .

I think OP is miles behind his woman right now. She has everything he has nothing. She didnt got drunk and did some crazy on vacation in Miami, no , she build a solid relationship with a new man. Like you say, a new LTR is no option , it would be a rebound,and he needs to get his mind clear.

A prostitute should be the last thing on his mind, now, just like a new ltr. But staying...that's self torture.

 

[Foe]

So my question to you, the reader, is, if you’ve successfully gone through similar **** episodes in your marriages and if so, how?

Exactly the same thing, without the business. I remember the first day she came back from seeing the new guy, she sat in front of me at the breakfast table and went through this wild laundry list of the things I don't do in the relationship. It was the craziest shift in perspective I have ever seen and it was due to something I've come to know as cognitive dissonance.

Basically when they cheat they feel guilt but can completely offset it by blaming you for there actions. Its your fault they cheated because of XYZ. Also they don't like the feeling of loss for you or the relationship so again they reconcile the loss by assuming you/the relationship was bad in the first place.

My ex went on to lie and cheat for the next 8 months telling me that I need to do this and that (which I did) to the point of absurdity. I knew she was cheating from that first discussion but I did what I thought was right to keep the family together, I was wrong.

Want her back? Best advise is walk away without losing your emotional control, take one of the other guys advise by promoting a open relationship and get her out of the house if you can (i was able to). You have to let her experience the new guy completely, not partially. She has to have complete access without you in the way. What will happen is that she will eventually see the grass is not greener on the other side or rather she will start to see her original paddock as greener then what she traded her entire family/house/life for.

You can accelerate this by dating an abundance of hotter, younger woman. Her new relationship will crumble, she will experience the sh!tshow that is the dating world and eventually she will beg you back.

By this stage you will be knee deep in better circumstances and laugh at the thought. 6 years later shes 3 years into a relationship with a fat beta guy with a bogan family.

At least that was my experience.

 

[corrector]

Yes I've been to prostitutes.30 frsaking bucks a pop,

It's fair to say, unless someone is into ONS and casual sex hook-ups, they are not going to be into pros. The issues that was hard on my mind is the fact I didn't really know who I was dealing with and that she's dealt with allot of other guys before me, and will deal with allot of guys after me, and whatever room or place I met her, other naked guys where probably there with her, doing nasty things with her before I went there. Now, I don't know about you, but all these facts or issues are jarring. However, most of these aspects also apply to ONS so I'd imagine if I took a hard spiritual/mental hit going there, then an ONS would likely have the same effect since it's the same thing in principle with just a slightly lower gross factor.