10 years married w/ 3 kids, wife is cheating.
- Thread starter Bosco
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lost_blackbird
Master Don Juan
Let's do a role reversal, would she have stayed if you had been the unfaithful one?
Or would she have pulled the ripcord and parachuted TF out with your kids and house.
Think we both know the answer.
Or would she have pulled the ripcord and parachuted TF out with your kids and house.
Think we both know the answer.
EyeBRollin
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Man. My condolences.
You made a lot of mistakes here. Call a divorce attorney ASAP. How you break it to her is up to you.
If it were me, I’d get everything in order then serve up the paperwork seemingly out of the blue. “We’re done. I’m out of here in the morning. Hope it was worth it.”
You made a lot of mistakes here. Call a divorce attorney ASAP. How you break it to her is up to you.
If it were me, I’d get everything in order then serve up the paperwork seemingly out of the blue. “We’re done. I’m out of here in the morning. Hope it was worth it.”
logicallefty
Moderator
OP, first off, welcome to the forum. We are glad you found us.
Your story is very common especially with women in their 30s. Women in their 30s are the most dangerous women to be in a marriage or relationship with. This is because they get that one last itch in their craw to go out and explore other companionship options to see if they "still got it" compared to when they were in their late teens and 20s. I quoted SW15 above because he mentioned that you got "one-itus". Isn't it sad, you marry a woman thinking that getting one-itus for your wife is OK??? But really, it's not.
I also agree with SW15 above, and others who replied. You need to file for divorce FIRST. Then you will have the upper hand. Trust us, you may not care about that now but your best friend is about to become your worst enemy.. You will thank us later..
The good news is, you will recover from this. Check in here often, take in all of the advice you get, and use what makes sense to you. You may get a few particularly younger guys on here who will respond and make you feel like the biggest POS in the world. Because they have never been through your situation, or maybe they have, and have no idea what empathy is. You will know who they are and just ignore.
Giovanni SouthSide
Master Don Juan
vintage old money sosuave getting surgical.
I sage advice my close friends to avoid women in 30s for anything serious. tread lightly
Epicwinguy
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**** like this is why I say the white picket fence American dream is dead and happy marriages are an illusion.
The Duke
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The older I get the more I believe it never was reality. It was just the narrative society pedaled for several decades. The womens rights movement and the acceptance of divorce eventually exposed the facade.
BeExcellent
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Advice from the old lady:
Warning. This is long.
The guys are right. This is the worst offense possible. Infidelity is the greatest breach of trust possible to a man. It's not much better to a woman, but I do agree men are far more emotionally able to have a "just" physical affair. This is never, and I mean NEVER the case with women unless she is a stripper, hooker or previously super sexually promiscuous, which you'll know the upshot of. I do not condone cheating in a marriage because it is a fatal breach of trust in my eyes, but some couples do recover and flourish afterwards. That is a decision you will have to make based on your situation. If you file first you are the plantiff in the proceeding. This means you get to go first to present your side of things in court, which will predispose the judge to see you in a more favorable light.
Also. She will make it your fault in some direct or indirect way. Never mind that these shortcomings were never communicated to you to digest, evaluate and take action on (or not). Just be aware that it is an extremely rare woman who accepts accountability for her actions.
Affairs are always about deeper things than what appears on the surface. In happy unions where sexual activity is a high priority and the partners and the marriage come first this is unlikely to occur.
I understand and acknowledge your desire to raise your children within an intact family. But know this: Children are far wiser than their years and they WILL know it's a marriage based on pretense if you tough it out "for the kids"...and you'll not teach them any healthy lessons about marriage and/or relationships by remaining out of duty. They will know in time, and they will resent both of you for it, and they will have zero idea how to build a thriving healthy relationship. Give that a think.
The other things to consider of course are the financial entanglements that come with marriage and children as well as what a court will require you to do or not do vis-a-vis your divorce decree and custody agreement. If you are at great financial peril then you need to think ahead, weigh your options and plan wisely as others have suggested. You may also need to consider proximity and stability for the children as well as various custody options.
So you know, I am a divorced mother of 3. There was zero cheating in my first marraige (I am now engaged to someone else after 8+ years single) but there were circumstances that were grave such that they warranted divorce. What I did in my case was sat my first husband down, discussed very plainly and over a length of time (years) what needed to occur for the marraige to remain tenable for me, and then I gave him 5 years to adjust course. He didn't do a thing. So I after 5 years I divorced him switfly, and amicably and he understood exactly why I was leaving and he also knew I had given him the opportunity to do differently for years before I pulled the plug. I was the breadwinner and as such was at great financial risk. Because of the transparency with which I handled things and for the greater good of the children, I was able to get out of that marriage financially intact and I have kept my word on things I said I would do for him in a finacial sense.
My children are well aware why I left him and they see a healthy example of a relationship now in my current partner, and they have a real world view of why relationships work, and why they don't. I am kind to my first husband on the infrequent occassions where we speak (we talked much more when the children were younger for parenting reasons) and he is a loving father who my children love deeply. My kids were 13 (son), 10 (daughter), and 6 (daughter) at the time we divorced. They are all 8 years older now. They are very well adjusted, sensible young people now and they know nothing was their fault, they see their father and I as real people and they do not have Disney perceptions about how things are, even though they have your standard issue idealism of youth. Children are smart, observant, and resilient.
But you've got to weigh the greater tapestry of what sort of life your family has been living. If it is a family keeping up appearances for extended family, friends, and social circles, then the come to Jesus meeting is much different than if there has been ongoing communication about needs, responsibilities between you and your wife and the state of the marriage.
Marriages are living things in a sense. If you do not care for them and feed them they will die. Only you know what sort of care and feeding you and your wife have provided for the marriage. Additionally I believe strongly that marriages must have the following priorities in order to thrive:
1. Lovers to one another (sex, intimacy, the lover bond)
2. Partners and friends to one another
3. Parents
Being a parent is a distant 3rd to the first 2 priorities. Why? Because you are only raising children for a season of your life, while your spouse has committed to be your life partner until one of you dies. Furthermore, the way you and your spouse treat one another and prioritize one another becomes the template from which your children will learn how to do relationships. Child centric marriages are NOT how to have a healthy family life or marriage.
Those are some thoughts off the cuff. Welcome. Read and absorb around here. There is much support and wisdom to be had if you poke around.
I am sorry you are going through this. Give yourself time and space to really consider what the best solution(s) are. Hang in there. One way or another you will get through it.
Warning. This is long.
The guys are right. This is the worst offense possible. Infidelity is the greatest breach of trust possible to a man. It's not much better to a woman, but I do agree men are far more emotionally able to have a "just" physical affair. This is never, and I mean NEVER the case with women unless she is a stripper, hooker or previously super sexually promiscuous, which you'll know the upshot of. I do not condone cheating in a marriage because it is a fatal breach of trust in my eyes, but some couples do recover and flourish afterwards. That is a decision you will have to make based on your situation. If you file first you are the plantiff in the proceeding. This means you get to go first to present your side of things in court, which will predispose the judge to see you in a more favorable light.
Also. She will make it your fault in some direct or indirect way. Never mind that these shortcomings were never communicated to you to digest, evaluate and take action on (or not). Just be aware that it is an extremely rare woman who accepts accountability for her actions.
Affairs are always about deeper things than what appears on the surface. In happy unions where sexual activity is a high priority and the partners and the marriage come first this is unlikely to occur.
I understand and acknowledge your desire to raise your children within an intact family. But know this: Children are far wiser than their years and they WILL know it's a marriage based on pretense if you tough it out "for the kids"...and you'll not teach them any healthy lessons about marriage and/or relationships by remaining out of duty. They will know in time, and they will resent both of you for it, and they will have zero idea how to build a thriving healthy relationship. Give that a think.
The other things to consider of course are the financial entanglements that come with marriage and children as well as what a court will require you to do or not do vis-a-vis your divorce decree and custody agreement. If you are at great financial peril then you need to think ahead, weigh your options and plan wisely as others have suggested. You may also need to consider proximity and stability for the children as well as various custody options.
So you know, I am a divorced mother of 3. There was zero cheating in my first marraige (I am now engaged to someone else after 8+ years single) but there were circumstances that were grave such that they warranted divorce. What I did in my case was sat my first husband down, discussed very plainly and over a length of time (years) what needed to occur for the marraige to remain tenable for me, and then I gave him 5 years to adjust course. He didn't do a thing. So I after 5 years I divorced him switfly, and amicably and he understood exactly why I was leaving and he also knew I had given him the opportunity to do differently for years before I pulled the plug. I was the breadwinner and as such was at great financial risk. Because of the transparency with which I handled things and for the greater good of the children, I was able to get out of that marriage financially intact and I have kept my word on things I said I would do for him in a finacial sense.
My children are well aware why I left him and they see a healthy example of a relationship now in my current partner, and they have a real world view of why relationships work, and why they don't. I am kind to my first husband on the infrequent occassions where we speak (we talked much more when the children were younger for parenting reasons) and he is a loving father who my children love deeply. My kids were 13 (son), 10 (daughter), and 6 (daughter) at the time we divorced. They are all 8 years older now. They are very well adjusted, sensible young people now and they know nothing was their fault, they see their father and I as real people and they do not have Disney perceptions about how things are, even though they have your standard issue idealism of youth. Children are smart, observant, and resilient.
But you've got to weigh the greater tapestry of what sort of life your family has been living. If it is a family keeping up appearances for extended family, friends, and social circles, then the come to Jesus meeting is much different than if there has been ongoing communication about needs, responsibilities between you and your wife and the state of the marriage.
Marriages are living things in a sense. If you do not care for them and feed them they will die. Only you know what sort of care and feeding you and your wife have provided for the marriage. Additionally I believe strongly that marriages must have the following priorities in order to thrive:
1. Lovers to one another (sex, intimacy, the lover bond)
2. Partners and friends to one another
3. Parents
Being a parent is a distant 3rd to the first 2 priorities. Why? Because you are only raising children for a season of your life, while your spouse has committed to be your life partner until one of you dies. Furthermore, the way you and your spouse treat one another and prioritize one another becomes the template from which your children will learn how to do relationships. Child centric marriages are NOT how to have a healthy family life or marriage.
Those are some thoughts off the cuff. Welcome. Read and absorb around here. There is much support and wisdom to be had if you poke around.
I am sorry you are going through this. Give yourself time and space to really consider what the best solution(s) are. Hang in there. One way or another you will get through it.
The Diver
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I don't have anything to add to what others have already said. But I would like to express my opinion on why you can't win forgiving and taking back a cheating wife/gf.
Why can't you win?
Obviously, if she respected you, she would've cheated on you. So you are taking back a woman who expresses her lack of disrespect for you in a worse way. Nothing good can come out of it.
But taking her back after she cheated on you reinforces her disrespect for you even more, and she will ask herself:
"What kind of a guy will take back a woman he knows some other guy sticks his ****k inside her? Who trash the trust and the loyalty you two share . only a desperate and lacks self-respect guy will forgive and take back a cheating woman",
This will confirm to her that she was " right" to disrespect you in the first place.
That's what she'll understand.
Initially, She would praise you for your compassion and maturity and will love bomb you, but deep down, she'll despise and disrespect you even more than before, leading to even more frequent bolder cheating.
You CAN'T win taking back cheating women.
The only open path left is Leaving.
Why can't you win?
Obviously, if she respected you, she would've cheated on you. So you are taking back a woman who expresses her lack of disrespect for you in a worse way. Nothing good can come out of it.
But taking her back after she cheated on you reinforces her disrespect for you even more, and she will ask herself:
"What kind of a guy will take back a woman he knows some other guy sticks his ****k inside her? Who trash the trust and the loyalty you two share . only a desperate and lacks self-respect guy will forgive and take back a cheating woman",
This will confirm to her that she was " right" to disrespect you in the first place.
That's what she'll understand.
Initially, She would praise you for your compassion and maturity and will love bomb you, but deep down, she'll despise and disrespect you even more than before, leading to even more frequent bolder cheating.
You CAN'T win taking back cheating women.
The only open path left is Leaving.
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Southernmost
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I have lurked on this site for several years. I have read field reports and have learned a lot but I have never posted. Reading your story, I felt that I needed to post. I was exactly in your shoes in April 2019. I had a woman call and tell me that her son was "dating" my wife. Went down a rabbit hole of finding not only one but two affairs. Spent the next two years and about $75,000 trying to "fix" it. Marriage counseling, gifts, and a new car could not buy or rekindle any resemblance of love. I fell in a depression and had some pretty serious bad thoughts. I put up with repeat cheating and lack of trying on her behalf for two years before I ended it. I was afraid. I was afraid of what the other side of divorce looked like. I described it as a mountain that I knew I had to climb and it was going to be a terrible process but it had to be done. I was worried about finances. I was worried I would not see my kids again. I hit the gym to fix my anxiety/depression issues. I threw myself into work because I didn't want to be at home. Basically, I was running from what had to be done. But, once I TOLD her that we were getting a divorce and we could do it the easy way or the hard way, she softened up and we sat down and hashed it all out. Divorce was easy for me and I hope its that easy for you.
You know that once this is all done or when she see's that you are serious, she will come running back. Show indifference and be strong. Laugh at the crocodile tears. Walk away and do not look back, she will gain some respect for you after that. Otherwise you are just a cuck to her. There is no saving this. Open marriage will not save this and do you really want your kids growing up in a lifestyle like that?
Hire an attorney and get your options on the table. Fight like hell for 50/50 custody. If you can hire a PI to document the infidelity, that may help you with custody/alimony. Not sure, ask an attorney.
90% of this is an emotional battle. GET IN THE GYM!
Remember, Hypergamy doesn't care, Rational Male, book 1, p 192. Read it.
You will come out the other side of this a stronger person. You will be able to rebuild yourself and recover. Spend as much time as you can with your kids. Make sure they know that whatever happens, you love them with all your heart.
Be strong brother! Hope to hear an update.
Solomon
Master Don Juan
So wait you opened the relationship up? I'm confused Did you take her back?
This situation in the OP is not a simple one, everyone who says to divorce doesn't understand it's not easy to walk away from 3 kids so much of your life is intertwinied was the relationship based on the foundation of God? meaning are you and your wife folloing the decrees of the most high? if not then it's over
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Modern Man Advice
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There have been similar posts about similar situations. My advice has always been there same:
Your children will grow stronger and better human beings with a father that had the self-respect and self-love to walk away from anything detrimental. They will be more functional adults with two parents who were honest and brave enough to seek their respective happiness separately rather than miserable and dysfunctional together.
By staying together with your wife, you are doing exactly the opposite of what you are hoping to achieve.
Modern Man Advice
Your children will grow stronger and better human beings with a father that had the self-respect and self-love to walk away from anything detrimental. They will be more functional adults with two parents who were honest and brave enough to seek their respective happiness separately rather than miserable and dysfunctional together.
By staying together with your wife, you are doing exactly the opposite of what you are hoping to achieve.
Modern Man Advice
Epicwinguy
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Why is there so much god talk on this site? Superstition and ancient beliefs are counterintuitive to game, seduction, and other topics involving dealing with women.
Solomon
Master Don Juan
As a guy who has been on this site for over 10 years I tried it and did it all
-Field Reports
-SNL From clubs
-OLD
-Social circle
etc
I'm not saying this to brag but after countless lays and even a relationship or two I realized something was missing from my life and that was my relationship with God, once I started working on that it made me realize that hooking up and smashing randoms was not something I wanted to continue to pursue. I also realized that a lot of issues that I had with women were because of the lack of Godly foundation in our relationship. Having that foundation is a commitment deeper than my ulterior motives or even the womans because you have a foundation that is based on a goal or purpose bigger than yourselves!
Does this mean that women who practice faith are perfect? no neither am I but for me this has worked and weeds out a lot of selfish/narcissistic low-level quality women
If you get fullfillment banging random chicks hey do you but eventually it gets old and you want more from life and relationships
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evan12
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Seriously? and you are asking why she is cheating? you are naïve person if you did