10 years married w/ 3 kids, wife is cheating.

[The Duke]

Been in your shoes before. Divorce her. She committed the ultimate mistake that can not be forgiven. Only a beta male forgives his wife for this. It's never just physical when women cheat.

 

[The Duke]

Exactly the same thing, without the business. I remember the first day she came back from seeing the new guy, she sat in front of me at the breakfast table and went through this wild laundry list of the things I don't do in the relationship. It was the craziest shift in perspective I have ever seen and it was due to something I've come to know as cognitive dissonance.

Basically when they cheat they feel guilt but can completely offset it by blaming you for there actions. Its your fault they cheated because of XYZ. Also they don't like the feeling of loss for you or the relationship so again they reconcile the loss by assuming you/the relationship was bad in the first place.

My ex went on to lie and cheat for the next 8 months telling me that I need to do this and that (which I did) to the point of absurdity. I knew she was cheating from that first discussion but I did what I thought was right to keep the family together, I was wrong.

Want her back? Best advise is walk away without losing your emotional control, take one of the other guys advise by promoting a open relationship and get her out of the house if you can (i was able to). You have to let her experience the new guy completely, not partially. She has to have complete access without you in the way. What will happen is that she will eventually see the grass is not greener on the other side or rather she will start to see her original paddock as greener then what she traded her entire family/house/life for.

You can accelerate this by dating an abundance of hotter, younger woman. Her new relationship will crumble, she will experience the sh!tshow that is the dating world and eventually she will beg you back.

By this stage you will be knee deep in better circumstances and laugh at the thought. 6 years later shes 3 years into a relationship with a fat beta guy with a bogan family.

At least that was my experience.

That's pretty much how mine went. Well said.

 

[lost_blackbird]

Let's do a role reversal, would she have stayed if you had been the unfaithful one?
Or would she have pulled the ripcord and parachuted TF out with your kids and house.
Think we both know the answer.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Man. My condolences.

You made a lot of mistakes here. Call a divorce attorney ASAP. How you break it to her is up to you.

If it were me, I’d get everything in order then serve up the paperwork seemingly out of the blue. “We’re done. I’m out of here in the morning. Hope it was worth it.”

 

[logicallefty]

You developed one-itis and became too much of a beta male. Your wife lost attraction for you and wanted to feel desired again. She explored her options. Male thirst is immense these days. A 35-42 year old woman with 2-3 kids doesn't have any problems finding a new man. Most men in their 30s/40s are beggars who settle for whatever woman is willing to touch their penises regularly. The guy who is banging your wife might be some thirsty guy out there but he has novelty working for him. You do not have novelty working for you.

Her lying shows she's not worth your trust or your time.

This relationship is not repairable. File for divorce tomorrow morning.

OP, first off, welcome to the forum. We are glad you found us.

Your story is very common especially with women in their 30s. Women in their 30s are the most dangerous women to be in a marriage or relationship with. This is because they get that one last itch in their craw to go out and explore other companionship options to see if they "still got it" compared to when they were in their late teens and 20s. I quoted SW15 above because he mentioned that you got "one-itus". Isn't it sad, you marry a woman thinking that getting one-itus for your wife is OK??? But really, it's not.

I also agree with SW15 above, and others who replied. You need to file for divorce FIRST. Then you will have the upper hand. Trust us, you may not care about that now but your best friend is about to become your worst enemy.. You will thank us later..

The good news is, you will recover from this. Check in here often, take in all of the advice you get, and use what makes sense to you. You may get a few particularly younger guys on here who will respond and make you feel like the biggest POS in the world. Because they have never been through your situation, or maybe they have, and have no idea what empathy is. You will know who they are and just ignore.

 

[Giovanni SouthSide]

OP, first off, welcome to the forum. We are glad you found us.

Your story is very common especially with women in their 30s. Women in their 30s are the most dangerous women to be in a marriage or relationship with. This is because they get that one last itch in their craw to go out and explore other companionship options to see if they "still got it" compared to when they were in their late teens and 20s. I quoted SW15 above because he mentioned that you got "one-itus". Isn't it sad, you marry a woman thinking that getting one-itus for your wife is OK??? But really, it's not.

I also agree with SW15 above, and others who replied. You need to file for divorce FIRST. Then you will have the upper hand. Trust us, you may not care about that now but your best friend is about to become your worst enemy.. You will thank us later..

The good news is, you will recover from this. Check in here often, take in all of the advice you get, and use what makes sense to you. You may get a few particularly younger guys on here who will respond and make you feel like the biggest POS in the world. Because they have never been through your situation, or maybe they have, and have no idea what empathy is. You will know who they are and just ignore.

vintage old money sosuave getting surgical.
I sage advice my close friends to avoid women in 30s for anything serious. tread lightly

 

[Epicwinguy]

**** like this is why I say the white picket fence American dream is dead and happy marriages are an illusion.

 

[The Duke]

**** like this is why I say the white picket fence American dream is dead and happy marriages are an illusion.

The older I get the more I believe it never was reality. It was just the narrative society pedaled for several decades. The womens rights movement and the acceptance of divorce eventually exposed the facade.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Warning. This is long.

The guys are right. This is the worst offense possible. Infidelity is the greatest breach of trust possible to a man. It's not much better to a woman, but I do agree men are far more emotionally able to have a "just" physical affair. This is never, and I mean NEVER the case with women unless she is a stripper, hooker or previously super sexually promiscuous, which you'll know the upshot of. I do not condone cheating in a marriage because it is a fatal breach of trust in my eyes, but some couples do recover and flourish afterwards. That is a decision you will have to make based on your situation. If you file first you are the plantiff in the proceeding. This means you get to go first to present your side of things in court, which will predispose the judge to see you in a more favorable light.

Also. She will make it your fault in some direct or indirect way. Never mind that these shortcomings were never communicated to you to digest, evaluate and take action on (or not). Just be aware that it is an extremely rare woman who accepts accountability for her actions.

Affairs are always about deeper things than what appears on the surface. In happy unions where sexual activity is a high priority and the partners and the marriage come first this is unlikely to occur.

I understand and acknowledge your desire to raise your children within an intact family. But know this: Children are far wiser than their years and they WILL know it's a marriage based on pretense if you tough it out "for the kids"...and you'll not teach them any healthy lessons about marriage and/or relationships by remaining out of duty. They will know in time, and they will resent both of you for it, and they will have zero idea how to build a thriving healthy relationship. Give that a think.

The other things to consider of course are the financial entanglements that come with marriage and children as well as what a court will require you to do or not do vis-a-vis your divorce decree and custody agreement. If you are at great financial peril then you need to think ahead, weigh your options and plan wisely as others have suggested. You may also need to consider proximity and stability for the children as well as various custody options.

So you know, I am a divorced mother of 3. There was zero cheating in my first marraige (I am now engaged to someone else after 8+ years single) but there were circumstances that were grave such that they warranted divorce. What I did in my case was sat my first husband down, discussed very plainly and over a length of time (years) what needed to occur for the marraige to remain tenable for me, and then I gave him 5 years to adjust course. He didn't do a thing. So I after 5 years I divorced him switfly, and amicably and he understood exactly why I was leaving and he also knew I had given him the opportunity to do differently for years before I pulled the plug. I was the breadwinner and as such was at great financial risk. Because of the transparency with which I handled things and for the greater good of the children, I was able to get out of that marriage financially intact and I have kept my word on things I said I would do for him in a finacial sense.

My children are well aware why I left him and they see a healthy example of a relationship now in my current partner, and they have a real world view of why relationships work, and why they don't. I am kind to my first husband on the infrequent occassions where we speak (we talked much more when the children were younger for parenting reasons) and he is a loving father who my children love deeply. My kids were 13 (son), 10 (daughter), and 6 (daughter) at the time we divorced. They are all 8 years older now. They are very well adjusted, sensible young people now and they know nothing was their fault, they see their father and I as real people and they do not have Disney perceptions about how things are, even though they have your standard issue idealism of youth. Children are smart, observant, and resilient.

But you've got to weigh the greater tapestry of what sort of life your family has been living. If it is a family keeping up appearances for extended family, friends, and social circles, then the come to Jesus meeting is much different than if there has been ongoing communication about needs, responsibilities between you and your wife and the state of the marriage.

Marriages are living things in a sense. If you do not care for them and feed them they will die. Only you know what sort of care and feeding you and your wife have provided for the marriage. Additionally I believe strongly that marriages must have the following priorities in order to thrive:

1. Lovers to one another (sex, intimacy, the lover bond)
2. Partners and friends to one another
3. Parents

Being a parent is a distant 3rd to the first 2 priorities. Why? Because you are only raising children for a season of your life, while your spouse has committed to be your life partner until one of you dies. Furthermore, the way you and your spouse treat one another and prioritize one another becomes the template from which your children will learn how to do relationships. Child centric marriages are NOT how to have a healthy family life or marriage.

Those are some thoughts off the cuff. Welcome. Read and absorb around here. There is much support and wisdom to be had if you poke around.

I am sorry you are going through this. Give yourself time and space to really consider what the best solution(s) are. Hang in there. One way or another you will get through it.

 

[The Diver]

I don't have anything to add to what others have already said. But I would like to express my opinion on why you can't win forgiving and taking back a cheating wife/gf.

Why can't you win?
Obviously, if she respected you, she would've cheated on you. So you are taking back a woman who expresses her lack of disrespect for you in a worse way. Nothing good can come out of it.

But taking her back after she cheated on you reinforces her disrespect for you even more, and she will ask herself:
"What kind of a guy will take back a woman he knows some other guy sticks his ****k inside her? Who trash the trust and the loyalty you two share . only a desperate and lacks self-respect guy will forgive and take back a cheating woman",
This will confirm to her that she was " right" to disrespect you in the first place.

That's what she'll understand.

Initially, She would praise you for your compassion and maturity and will love bomb you, but deep down, she'll despise and disrespect you even more than before, leading to even more frequent bolder cheating.

You CAN'T win taking back cheating women.

The only open path left is Leaving.

 

[Southernmost]

Hey guys, I came across this forum when reading The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and hope I can get some useful perspectives from other red pill aware mature men.

So here’s my story: I read The Game in my 20s, hade a wild few years with many ONSs and some non exclusive LTRs before I got together with my now wife. I got a Oneitis with her, was madly in love, married her and have three kids with her in the meantime.

I always thought we had a great, honest and mostly happy relationship. However, about a year ago, within a matter of weeks, she suddenly changed completely. She said she felt stuck and unhappy with her life and had somehow lost herself over the last years.
Shortly after, I’ve found out that she had been lying to me about meeting another guy that we both knew and were somewhat friends with. It came as a complete surprise to me and I confronted her directly. She said she was sorry she lied but was afraid of my reaction if she would have told me that she’d meet with him.

As I still loved her and was afraid to lose her while she was definitely somehow in her midlife crisis, I forgave her and told her I’d support her to find herself back. I took more care of the kids to give her the freedom she said she needed and even financially supported her to start her own business with that guy she had lied to me about meeting him before.

Back then I thought that’s what a good husband would do. In the meantime I regret that decision but the business is up and running. What makes it more complicated is that a lot of common friends are clients of that business.

Long story short, after over a year now that my wife lied to me for the first time ( at least that I’ve found out about it) in the last 2 months she’s lied at least 3 more times about meeting with that guy (her business associate). I’m 99% sure she has an affair with that guy, even though she hasn’t admitted to it.

Now I’m in the situation, that I’d directly divorce her, if we wouldn’t have 3 children who I love above everything else and I want them to grow up with a father and mother. So far we could keep the kids mostly out of it, but I don’t want to keep up with the lies and probably affair of my wife anymore.

I still love and appreciate my wife for the good mother she is for my children and for the first 11 year of our relationship ( excluding the last one obviously). I’d love to make it work out somehow and could see it through in the long term. I still believe she is in a very confused state and the guy she’s seeing is manipulating her.

So my question to you, the reader, is, if you’ve successfully gone through similar **** episodes in your marriages and if so, how?
I’m willing to take uncomfortable decisions and actions but I’d really prefer so spare my children that their parents get separated.

Any well meaning suggestions (with the above in mind) are highly appreciated.

Thanks

I have lurked on this site for several years. I have read field reports and have learned a lot but I have never posted. Reading your story, I felt that I needed to post. I was exactly in your shoes in April 2019. I had a woman call and tell me that her son was "dating" my wife. Went down a rabbit hole of finding not only one but two affairs. Spent the next two years and about $75,000 trying to "fix" it. Marriage counseling, gifts, and a new car could not buy or rekindle any resemblance of love. I fell in a depression and had some pretty serious bad thoughts. I put up with repeat cheating and lack of trying on her behalf for two years before I ended it. I was afraid. I was afraid of what the other side of divorce looked like. I described it as a mountain that I knew I had to climb and it was going to be a terrible process but it had to be done. I was worried about finances. I was worried I would not see my kids again. I hit the gym to fix my anxiety/depression issues. I threw myself into work because I didn't want to be at home. Basically, I was running from what had to be done. But, once I TOLD her that we were getting a divorce and we could do it the easy way or the hard way, she softened up and we sat down and hashed it all out. Divorce was easy for me and I hope its that easy for you.

You know that once this is all done or when she see's that you are serious, she will come running back. Show indifference and be strong. Laugh at the crocodile tears. Walk away and do not look back, she will gain some respect for you after that. Otherwise you are just a cuck to her. There is no saving this. Open marriage will not save this and do you really want your kids growing up in a lifestyle like that?

Hire an attorney and get your options on the table. Fight like hell for 50/50 custody. If you can hire a PI to document the infidelity, that may help you with custody/alimony. Not sure, ask an attorney.

90% of this is an emotional battle. GET IN THE GYM!

Remember, Hypergamy doesn't care, Rational Male, book 1, p 192. Read it.

You will come out the other side of this a stronger person. You will be able to rebuild yourself and recover. Spend as much time as you can with your kids. Make sure they know that whatever happens, you love them with all your heart.

Be strong brother! Hope to hear an update.

 

[Solomon]

Exactly the same thing, without the business. I remember the first day she came back from seeing the new guy, she sat in front of me at the breakfast table and went through this wild laundry list of the things I don't do in the relationship. It was the craziest shift in perspective I have ever seen and it was due to something I've come to know as cognitive dissonance.

Basically when they cheat they feel guilt but can completely offset it by blaming you for there actions. Its your fault they cheated because of XYZ. Also they don't like the feeling of loss for you or the relationship so again they reconcile the loss by assuming you/the relationship was bad in the first place.

My ex went on to lie and cheat for the next 8 months telling me that I need to do this and that (which I did) to the point of absurdity. I knew she was cheating from that first discussion but I did what I thought was right to keep the family together, I was wrong.

Want her back? Best advise is walk away without losing your emotional control, take one of the other guys advise by promoting a open relationship and get her out of the house if you can (i was able to). You have to let her experience the new guy completely, not partially. She has to have complete access without you in the way. What will happen is that she will eventually see the grass is not greener on the other side or rather she will start to see her original paddock as greener then what she traded her entire family/house/life for.

You can accelerate this by dating an abundance of hotter, younger woman. Her new relationship will crumble, she will experience the sh!tshow that is the dating world and eventually she will beg you back.

By this stage you will be knee deep in better circumstances and laugh at the thought. 6 years later shes 3 years into a relationship with a fat beta guy with a bogan family.

At least that was my experience.

So wait you opened the relationship up? I'm confused Did you take her back?

This situation in the OP is not a simple one, everyone who says to divorce doesn't understand it's not easy to walk away from 3 kids so much of your life is intertwinied was the relationship based on the foundation of God? meaning are you and your wife folloing the decrees of the most high? if not then it's over

 

[Modern Man Advice]

There have been similar posts about similar situations. My advice has always been there same:

Your children will grow stronger and better human beings with a father that had the self-respect and self-love to walk away from anything detrimental. They will be more functional adults with two parents who were honest and brave enough to seek their respective happiness separately rather than miserable and dysfunctional together.

By staying together with your wife, you are doing exactly the opposite of what you are hoping to achieve.


Modern Man Advice

 

[Epicwinguy]

So wait you opened the relationship up? I'm confused Did you take her back?

This situation in the OP is not a simple one, everyone who says to divorce doesn't understand it's not easy to walk away from 3 kids so much of your life is intertwinied was the relationship based on the foundation of God? meaning are you and your wife folloing the decrees of the most high? if not then it's over

Why is there so much god talk on this site? Superstition and ancient beliefs are counterintuitive to game, seduction, and other topics involving dealing with women.

 

[Solomon]

Why is there so much god talk on this site? Superstition and ancient beliefs are counterintuitive to game, se-duction, and other topics involving dealing with women.

As a guy who has been on this site for over 10 years I tried it and did it all
-Field Reports
-SNL From clubs
-OLD
-Social circle
etc

I'm not saying this to brag but after countless lays and even a relationship or two I realized something was missing from my life and that was my relationship with God, once I started working on that it made me realize that hooking up and smashing randoms was not something I wanted to continue to pursue. I also realized that a lot of issues that I had with women were because of the lack of Godly foundation in our relationship. Having that foundation is a commitment deeper than my ulterior motives or even the womans because you have a foundation that is based on a goal or purpose bigger than yourselves!

Does this mean that women who practice faith are perfect? no neither am I but for me this has worked and weeds out a lot of selfish/narcissistic low-level quality women

If you get fullfillment banging random chicks hey do you but eventually it gets old and you want more from life and relationships

 

[evan12]

even financially supported her to start her own business with that guy she had lied to me about meeting him before.

Seriously? and you are asking why she is cheating? you are naïve person if you did

 

[Ricky]

I have spent two years researching this because my wife has made my life hell. Feel free to message me offline to discuss

 

[Pandora]

It seems like no matter what you do in a marriage the novelty will eventually wear off. Even Tom Brady eventually becomes mundane.