I'm 40, I want kids

[BeExcellent]

Well. Cheating is about character. People who cheat are liars and are dishonest and breach a sacred trust. I take my vows seriously and did not cheat on my first husband, and will not cheat now.

If you are unhappy where you'd seriously consider cheating, its time to break up or its time to be brutally honest. You are not cheating if you negotiate non-monogamy in your relationship. But this is not for the faint of heart, and some women will leave the relationship under those circumstances. At the end of the day trust is paramount. Without trust you have nothing, and you risk seriously wounding another person emotionally. Not cool.

If you cannot be faithful and you cannot be honest, either of those things represent a serious character flaw, and you should not commit yourself in a marriage where the wife expects monogamy if you are incapable or unwilling to give it. This goes for women too. It cuts both ways.

There are women with great character out there. Character functions independent of looks; in fact it can be very rare to find an available great beauty with great character. They exist, but they know their value so you need to have yourself together. They get locked down quickly.

I dsagree about marriage. Be careful about the assumptions you make. I know many happy marrieds who have active sex lives and who have raised families and are enjoying being boyfriend/girlfriend all over again as empty nesters. Think of the old Italian grandparents who still are dancing at weddings and still in love after 60+ years. I know couples like this. They have a joy about them that is wonderful to be around.

Most importantly, consider what is important to YOU as a man. List the qualities you want in a woman. List your deal breakers and your life goals. That way you put your subconscious mind on notice so your subconscious can be screening as you go about life.

You never know where you'll run into the gal who fits your agenda & comes along for the ride. She could be anywhere. So you have to be open minded and paying attention. Your subconscious will do this in the background if you tell it what to look for.

This is why being your best self matters. We all need to bring our A game in relationship. And we need to encourage and require it in a partner as well.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Well. Cheating is about character. People who cheat are liars and are dishonest and breach a sacred trust. I take my vows seriously and did not cheat on my first husband, and will not cheat now.

If you are unhappy where you'd seriously consider cheating, its time to break up or its time to be brutally honest. You are not cheating if you negotiate non-monogamy in your relationship. But this is not for the faint of heart, and some women will leave the relationship under those circumstances. At the end of the day trust is paramount. Without trust you have nothing, and you risk seriously wounding another person emotionally. Not cool.

If you cannot be faithful and you cannot be honest, either of those things represent a serious character flaw, and you should not commit yourself in a marriage where the wife expects monogamy if you are incapable or unwilling to give it. This goes for women too. It cuts both ways.

There are women with great character out there. Character functions independent of looks; in fact it can be very rare to find an available great beauty with great character. They exist, but they know their value so you need to have yourself together. They get locked down quickly.

I dsagree about marriage. Be careful about the assumptions you make. I know many happy marrieds who have active sex lives and who have raised families and are enjoying being boyfriend/girlfriend all over again as empty nesters. Think of the old Italian grandparents who still are dancing at weddings and still in love after 60+ years. I know couples like this. They have a joy about them that is wonderful to be around.

Most importantly, consider what is important to YOU as a man. List the qualities you want in a woman. List your deal breakers and your life goals. That way you put your subconscious mind on notice so your subconscious can be screening as you go about life.

You never know where you'll run into the gal who fits your agenda & comes along for the ride. She could be anywhere. So you have to be open minded and paying attention. Your subconscious will do this in the background if you tell it what to look for.

This is why being your best self matters. We all need to bring our A game in relationship. And we need to encourage and require it in a partner as well.

Well. Cheating is about character. People who cheat are liars and are dishonest and breach a sacred trust. I take my vows seriously and did not cheat on my first husband, and will not cheat now.

If you are unhappy where you'd seriously consider cheating, its time to break up or its time to be brutally honest. You are not cheating if you negotiate non-monogamy in your relationship. But this is not for the faint of heart, and some women will leave the relationship under those circumstances. At the end of the day trust is paramount. Without trust you have nothing, and you risk seriously wounding another person emotionally. Not cool.

If you cannot be faithful and you cannot be honest, either of those things represent a serious character flaw, and you should not commit yourself in a marriage where the wife expects monogamy if you are incapable or unwilling to give it. This goes for women too. It cuts both ways.

There are women with great character out there. Character functions independent of looks; in fact it can be very rare to find an available great beauty with great character. They exist, but they know their value so you need to have yourself together. They get locked down quickly.

I dsagree about marriage. Be careful about the assumptions you make. I know many happy marrieds who have active sex lives and who have raised families and are enjoying being boyfriend/girlfriend all over again as empty nesters. Think of the old Italian grandparents who still are dancing at weddings and still in love after 60+ years. I know couples like this. They have a joy about them that is wonderful to be around.

Most importantly, consider what is important to YOU as a man. List the qualities you want in a woman. List your deal breakers and your life goals. That way you put your subconscious mind on notice so your subconscious can be screening as you go about life.

You never know where you'll run into the gal who fits your agenda & comes along for the ride. She could be anywhere. So you have to be open minded and paying attention. Your subconscious will do this in the background if you tell it what to look for.

This is why being your best self matters. We all need to bring our A game in relationship. And we need to encourage and require it in a partner as well.

I fvcking hate symp a55holes who kiss up to anything with a vag. You hit the nail on the head. But now that a55hole is me....oh gawdammit.

 

[jhonny9546]

Think of the old Italian grandparents

Okay, I'll shed some light on this since I'm Italian and I know my culture. What you see is a beta man, very beta, and the woman is in charge in the relationship. This is something that mature men here would not accept. They are the type of women who are very disrespectful to men, but men will always hold on to them, glossing over their behavior and laughing, when instead they should be respected.

They can also take my father, who has cheated on my mother and has done so in the past. They do not have a healthy relationship, and yet, at parties, you see them together dancing just like you say. Now, even here there are exceptions! There are some truly happy couples that you will see still dancing together at 90 years old. I think what unites them is a deep, one-sided love on both sides (oneitis?). In fact, if these couples ever break up, they will have to deal with depression. (The case of my grandmother and grandfather).

If you are unhappy where you'd seriously consider cheating

Let's say you have your whole life in order and have everything you need for your family (kids, marriage, etc.), but you meet a man who is really attractive to the point that he magnetically draws you in, and you start to have feelings for him.

What would a healthy woman do at this point? Would she talk to her husband about it?

What if this man had come along at a different time (when the relationship was going badly)?

The female perspective intrigues

 

[BeExcellent]

Okay, I'll shed some light on this since I'm Italian and I know my culture. What you see is a beta man, very beta, and the woman is in charge in the relationship. This is something that mature men here would not accept. They are the type of women who are very disrespectful to men, but men will always hold on to them, glossing over their behavior and laughing, when instead they should be respected.

They can also take my father, who has cheated on my mother and has done so in the past. They do not have a healthy relationship, and yet, at parties, you see them together dancing just like you say. Now, even here there are exceptions! There are some truly happy couples that you will see still dancing together at 90 years old. I think what unites them is a deep, one-sided love on both sides (oneitis?). In fact, if these couples ever break up, they will have to deal with depression. (The case of my grandmother and grandfather).



Let's say you have your whole life in order and have everything you need for your family (kids, marriage, etc.), but you meet a man who is really attractive to the point that he magnetically draws you in, and you start to have feelings for him.

What would a healthy woman do at this point? Would she talk to her husband about it?

What if this man had come along at a different time (when the relationship was going badly)?

The female perspective intrigues

I do not allow any interaction to develop to any point near where I "start to have feelings." You see, feelings follow investment. I invest in my husband. That's it. I am simply polite to other men; and my longstanding male friendships are totally non romantic friendships.

So I have boundaries and I respect those boundaries.

 

[New_Journey]

Cheating is about character.

The female perspective intrigues

Cheating is different ofr men and women. Men cheat for opportunity and/or validation, women cheat when they are ready to move to another man.

Men can cheat and still love his woman, women cannot, they only love one man at a time.

Cheating has nothing to do with character, if you are a bad partner you deserve to be cheated on.

There are women with great character out there. Character functions independent of looks; in fact it can be very rare to find an available great beauty with great character.

This is the greatest fallacy society has made men to believe, "just look for her bro, your unicorn is out there, its very rare to find but when you find it, you'll be happy"

This is simple bull$hit, in a bell curve chart, 95% of women are very similar, the laws of averages, most people fall within the mean.



That's why men have such a hard time dealing with women, because they think the next one will be worse than the actual one. Women differentiate themselves on how hot they are and their attitudes. Everything else, doesn't matter. All women have puzzies, just like 95% of women are the same.

 

[BeExcellent]

Cheating is different ofr men and women. Men cheat for opportunity and/or validation, women cheat when they are ready to move to another man.

Men can cheat and still love his woman, women cannot, they only love one man at a time.

Cheating has nothing to do with character, if you are a bad partner you deserve to be cheated on.


This is the greatest fallacy society has made men to believe, "just look for her bro, your unicorn is out there, its very rare to find but when you find it, you'll be happy"

This is simple bull$hit, in a bell curve chart, 95% of women are very similar, the laws of averages, most people fall within the mean.

View attachment 14045

That's why men have such a hard time dealing with women, because they think the next one will be worse than the actual one. Women differentiate themselves on how hot they are and their attitudes. Everything else, doesn't matter. All women have puzzies, just like 95% of women are the same.

Well nice to know you have no character @New_Journey. Character at its essence is integrity. More simply, whether or not your handshake or your word or your vows are worth anything.

Gender does not matter. How you excuse and rationalize lying and dishonesty (the WHY does not matter. The WHY is a laughable justification for being dishonest and deceiving.)

Look the guys here are not dummies. If you as a man want to have sex with multiple women, by all means be my guest. But if you will not be honest about it (or if you take a formal vow to "forsake all others" and then deceive your wife because you do not have the character to keep your word (and thus your vow)...then you have zero integrity, you have zero character, and you and your word are both worthless.

Let us know how that works out.

I've seen women be opportunists for sex (ever seen a groupie or a woman who will trade sex for favor or a promotion at work?) Yeah they might love their man who is innocently at home.

Your post is so ridiculous as to be funny.

Character is ALL that really matters. The rationale is just the excuse/rationalization.

If you cannot keep your word by keeping your johnson in your pants, after promising to do so? You are a cheater & liar, period. You are too weak to be honest if you choose to sneak around, too weak to tell the truth. May you be the recipient of the pain your deception, lies and lack of character causes those you lie to.

My guess is your ex girlfriend caught you in a lie & left. Only you know the real story. If she left because your word is worthless? Smart girl.

 

[New_Journey]

Well nice to know you have no character @New_Journey. Character at its essence is integrity. More simply, whether or not your handshake or your word or your vows are worth anything.

Gender does not matter. How you excuse and rationalize lying and dishonesty (the WHY does not matter. The WHY is a laughable justification for being dishonest and deceiving.)

Look the guys here are not dummies. If you as a man want to have sex with multiple women, by all means be my guest. But if you will not be honest about it (or if you take a formal vow to "forsake all others" and then deceive your wife because you do not have the character to keep your word (and thus your vow)...then you have zero integrity, you have zero character, and you and your word are both worthless.

Let us know how that works out.

I've seen women be opportunists for sex (ever seen a groupie or a woman who will trade sex for favor or a promotion at work?) Yeah they might love their man who is innocently at home.

Your post is so ridiculous as to be funny.

Character is ALL that really matters. The rationale is just the excuse/rationalization.

If you cannot keep your word by keeping your johnson in your pants, after promising to do so? You are a cheater & liar, period. You are too weak to be honest if you choose to sneak around, too weak to tell the truth. May you be the recipient of the pain your deception, lies and lack of character causes those you lie to.

My guess is your ex girlfriend caught you in a lie & left. Only you know the real story. If she left because your word is worthless? Smart girl.

Wow that was a long string of text just by me mentioning "if you are a bad partner, you deserve to be cheated on"

 

[BeExcellent]

Wow that was a long string of text just by me mentioning "if you are a bad partner, you deserve to be cheated on"

The readers are not dummies. Your entire post tries to say cheating is different for men versus women. Not true.

Cheating is lying to and deceiving your partner. Period. Does not matter if the rationale is opportunistic or monkey branching. Gender is immaterial. People who cheat have zero integrity and cannot be trusted.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I know I shouldn't trust her. I know she texted another dude behind my back. Don't care. I want kids.

My argument: i'm running out of time. Women these days are retarded with their qualifications.

Wish i would have had kids in my 20s

Setting yourself up for disaster of epic proportions.

You'll care in about 3 years or less, trust me on that.

 

[New_Journey]

People who cheat have zero integrity and cannot be trusted.

Its just sex, get it in and done deal.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Its just sex, get it in and done deal.

^^This is true for some people however it does beg the question -- if it's basically no big deal, why agree to exclusivity with your partner or take a vow to be faithful in marriage?

That's the part I don't get. I mean why not agree to an open relationship or to a non-monogamous relationship? I see this happening more and more these days.

NJ I think the argument is if you agree to exclusivity or vow to be faithful in your marriage and you're not, even though sex with others is no big deal, in and out, doesn’t.mean anything, you are nevertheless deceiving and lying to your partner which for most people is wrong and reflects lack of integrity.

 

[New_Journey]

^^This is true for some people however it does beg the question -- if it's basically no big deal, why agree to exclusivity with your partner or take a vow to be faithful in marriage?

That's the part I don't get. I mean why not agree to an open relationship or to a non-monogamous relationship? I see this happening more and more these days.

NJ I think the argument is if you agree to exclusivity or vow to be faithful in your marriage and you're not, even though sex with others is no big deal, in and out, doesn’t.mean anything, you are nevertheless deceiving and lying to your partner which for most people is wrong and reflects lack of integrity.

My statement is only if you're a bad partner. Women cheat and leave their partners,l when they're not happy, we are equal, men should leave the Disney fantasy about relationships and be more like women when navigating relationships.

If you are a bad partner you should be cheated on and the guy should leave you, there are consequences, applies to everyone equally, men and women.

 

[Sega Genesis]

My statement is only if you're a bad partner.

If you are a bad partner you should be cheated on and the guy should leave you, there are consequences, applies to everyone equally, men and women.

^^I hope this doesnt cause a war among some others lol but I do see your point NJ about the consequences of being a "bad" partner and it's caused me think about some things.

One being when it comes to character and integrity, is it always so black and white?

Like can you have good character and integrity in certain areas of your life but not others?

For example, can you be a bad husband who was lonely and unhappy in his long term marriage, married to a materialistic opportunistic wife who never truly loved him, raising five kids... BUT a fantastic and devoted father? And good provider for the family?

Demonstrating bad character in one area (as a husband) but good character (as a father and provider)?

I'd be open to hearing counter arguments as again it's something I've been thinking about since @BeExcellent post discussing character and integrity.

I'm not sure I agree that if one is a bad partner they "deserve" to be cheated on.

But depending on how bad their partner was and the particular circumstances such that it's not so easy to just leave (i.e raising a large family) would it be "understandable" on some level that they found someone else and stepped out?

Would that mean their overall character sucks and they have zero integrity in every aspect of their life?

I do have a reason for asking this question which I may share later. It's NOT about me.

 

[BeExcellent]

My statement is only if you're a bad partner. Women cheat and leave their partners,l when they're not happy, we are equal, men should leave the Disney fantasy about relationships and be more like women when navigating relationships.

If you are a bad partner you should be cheated on and the guy should leave you, there are consequences, applies to everyone equally, men and women.

Bizarre. The cheater (as in the one doing the lying and doing the deceiving) is the one without integrity. Period.

If you want to justify that behavior because "they are a bad partner; they deserve it...." (What the hell does that even mean? Did they kill your dog that day, did they fail to make you lunch, did they gain 5 pounds, did they refuse you sex, etc etc etc.)

YOU are still the one with ZERO integrity if you are the one lying and cheating. Your integrity is internal to you. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Period.

I mean Jesus. If you picked a bad partner (whatever the reason, who cares) then LEAVE.

Simple. You don't cheat. You leave. That is integrity.

 

[BeExcellent]

I mean hell. I LEFT my first husband. He devolved into an untenable partner over time for various reasons. I never cheated. I never considered cheating. Why? It is not my character. Period.

If you want to justify character under "conditions?"

Full stop.

You have no character. Period. Zero integrity.

Good to know that is who @New_Journey is, in his own words in his posts above.

 

[Travel memoir21]

If you want a family so badly....Just do the following

- Get a dog

- Adopt a child from a Foster center

......and wham, you get a small instant family going without the need for a relationship.

 

[New_Journey]

character and integrity

Who gets to define that? You? @BeExcellent? Where is the law against cheating?

Simple. You don't cheat. You leave.

If my woman gets mad for some $hit, I wanna fvck but she wants to punish me by not doing it. I got needs, so I just stay with my balls full? Nope, if you are my woman and me as your man, wanna fvck but you don't want to, what do think its gonna happen? I don't have to leave right away, I want her to fix emotions or she can leave on her own. For men sex is something different for women, you'll never gonna get it but its fine, I understand why that is.

You have no character. Period. Zero integrity.

Good to know that is who @New_Journey is, in his own words in his posts above.

That's fine by me, but I got my balls empty and if she doesn't straighten up, I will leave her.

If she catches me, I will be honest, I cheated because you neglected my needs, like I've done before.

Not my problem how she feels, next time, don't deny sex to your LTR or hubby and that $hit won't happen again.

The dating scene is so $hit right now, because men allow too much from women, they don't challenge her because of the fear she may leave. If men stop taking BS from women and for example if they cheat every time their women denies sex, or biceversa when men are bad partners, everyone would be on their best behaviors, because there is the implied threat that if you are bad with your partner, you're gonna get cheated on and probably they will leave you.

BTW women do that all the time, and its the always the mans fault whether he likes it or not, because its true, if your partner cheats on you, you either didn't vet properly or you are a bad partner.

Society needs to hold men and women to a higher standard with consequences like before, today there is a participation trophy for everything and everyone.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Who gets to define that? You? @BeExcellent?

^^No not me. If you read my last post I questioned whether one's "character and integrity" is always so black and white?

I don't think it is; one's character and integrity comprise many different elements imo (per my previous post).

Life can get messy. People make mistakes. People can feel remorse for their mistakes, learn from them and become good honest people demonstrating excellent character!

I've seen it with my own dad! Who did step out on my mom and married the woman (my stepmom).

Frankly, I'm glad he did! Not the cheating obviously, but that he met her, she became my step mom and I was finally able to witness what a loving healthy relationship looked like!

He never stepped out/cheated on her..

He was always a wonderful father and great provider, another element of having good character imo.

In addition to what I posted in my last, I think what constitutes good character is the ability to own our shyt, learn from it and move forward from it in a healthy way to become good honest human beings...

And also the ability to forgive which is powerful!

And not automatically casting judgment without considering and taking into account each situation individually.

JMO

 

[BeExcellent]

Well duh. Never pick a woman who witholds sex.

But also understand that if you are routinely a jack ass, that is a turn off and it will kill the attraction your woman has for you. It will also kill her respect for you. Sex does not occur in a vaccum gentlemen. She has needs too. So you need to mind your behavior and be considerate with your woman; communicate with her. Its called adulting. It does require some maturity.

And if you cannot do that? Do not make promises you are unwilling to keep. Very simple.

@Sega Genesis I understand what happened with your dad. People fail to keep their commitments sometimes, but that means, in the case of your dad, that he should have left sooner. Instead he took the monkey branching, try it before you buy it route. Sure its complicated when married with kids, but the result is you see character as situational, as fuzzy.

It isn't.

Yes there are human failings and yes people find themselves in moral dilemmas, but few are true moral dilemmas, most are the classic have your cake & eat it too situations. And those situations point to a absence or at least a lack of integrity.

Your dad should have left your mom if he was miserable. He found a sure thing first, like so many monkey branching women (and men). But let's be honest, it was not an integrity move. And I assure you your stepmother watched him like a hawk even if they were in love.....because she knew his character was not entirely stalwart and she knew he was capable of lying & cheating.

Food for thought.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Thanks @BeExcellent I do understand what you're saying, I truly do.

However for my dad (and we were tight and he explained this to me) he was a man of faith and he did remain in the marriage for many years due to his faith (Catholic) while miserable (with my mom) and felt if he had left he would have been abandoning us (myself and my sibliings) and breaking the family unit.

Which in HIS eyes at the time reflected poor character.

He waited till we were a bit older which is also when he met my stepmom, he sat us all down and explained why he was leaving, it really was a very tough choice for him, and two of my brothers were very VERY hard on him for leaving at all!!

Anyway he did seek counsel from his priest who he remained close with till he died. He also sought forgiveness from the Lord and remained active in his Chruch till he died.

So while again I do understand what you're saying and agree with it on a certain level, I will always view my dad as a man with extremely high moral character.

Not to brag on him but he also served our country as a US Marine, volunteered regularly to help the underprivileged while he achieved financial wealth himself, had not a judgmental bone in his body which qualities he strived to instill in me and my siblings. I view these things as being of high character also.

So yes I guess I do view character as situational for these reasons. Not always so black and white.

That said, again I DO respect your opinion too and have actually struggled with it as again he DID choose to cheat!

I can't forget that. And that he broke vows and hurt my mom very much. She never cheated.

Anyway, I appreciate your viewpoint BE and your sensitivity addressing it with me, thank you.

Back to the OP's sitch?