how i do i control myself from hurting her?

[Mahmudul Hasan]

whenever we have arguments, I become too toxic and start saying things without even thinking. For example yesterday we had an argument and I became angry so I said " You don't even know who your real father is so how can you know my love?". She doesn't have much memory of her biological father so she became depressed when I said that. This is not even the first time I said some personal stuffs to hurt her. Yesterday she did not eat the whole day and she cried like a little kid, water was coming out of her nose when she was crying. I feel like I am too toxic and she deserves better but at the same time we can't live without each other.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You can act like an adult and choose to grow up.

 

[Mahmudul Hasan]

You can act like an adult and choose to grow up.

when I am angry or sad, My mouth literally has no limit and I say anything that comes to my mind without thinking

 

[Ricky]

we all mistakes, but just remember with women, you can say the wrong thing to them and they will never forgive you for it. They always remember. I think it'd be a curse to live that way, but its the way women are wired.

 

[The Duke]

Please get pretty professional counseling.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

when I am angry or sad, My mouth literally has no limit and I say anything that comes to my mind without thinking

You have to grow up sometime.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

when I am angry or sad, My mouth literally has no limit and I say anything that comes to my mind without thinking

That's one of the differences between mature and immature. The mature man thinks about the consequences of what he might say, especially in an emotional state.

This is why I advise students to study the martial art principle of Fudōshin, the state of imperturbability or equanimity.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Just my very unprofessional opinion but it sounds like you're carrying around a lot of hurt, pain and FEAR and when you argue, you somehow feel threatened so you lash out in hurtful ways.

Have you ever heard of the "fight or flight" response when confronted with danger or perceived danger?

In your case, emotional danger specifically when you argue?

In romantic relationships, some people choose "flight" (leave the situation, end the relationship or simply distance themselves). Others like you choose "fight" (lash out in extremely hurtful ways).

Some choose a little of both.

In any event if you want this toxic pattern to end then you need to explore where this internal pain and fear stem from either on your own by reading relevant books etc or with the help of a qualified therapist.

It can be a long tough road navigating this *, good luck.

 

[Westminster]

whenever we have arguments, I become too toxic and start saying things without even thinking. For example yesterday we had an argument and I became angry so I said " You don't even know who your real father is so how can you know my love?". She doesn't have much memory of her biological father so she became depressed when I said that. This is not even the first time I said some personal stuffs to hurt her. Yesterday she did not eat the whole day and she cried like a little kid, water was coming out of her nose when she was crying. I feel like I am too toxic and she deserves better but at the same time we can't live without each other.

You're being a bully, just snap out of it. You're a man, you should be above this sort of behaviour.

 

[Divorced w 3]

whenever we have arguments, I become too toxic and start saying things without even thinking. For example yesterday we had an argument and I became angry so I said " You don't even know who your real father is so how can you know my love?". She doesn't have much memory of her biological father so she became depressed when I said that. This is not even the first time I said some personal stuffs to hurt her. Yesterday she did not eat the whole day and she cried like a little kid, water was coming out of her nose when she was crying. I feel like I am too toxic and she deserves better but at the same time we can't live without each other.

Have you been screened for a mental illness, like bipolar? I mean this sincerely. You may not have the ability right now to throttle it back. That doesn’t excuse you from trying to figure the problem out. Be careful who and where you seek advice on this - some of these people on here are legitimately helping you, some of them are on their third, fourth iteration of their personas here, I would be super cautious- anyone telling you to get therapy is good - anyone trying to explain and give unprofessional advice, ask them to post their mental health credentials

 

[BPH]

whenever we have arguments, I become too toxic and start saying things without even thinking. For example yesterday we had an argument and I became angry so I said " You don't even know who your real father is so how can you know my love?". She doesn't have much memory of her biological father so she became depressed when I said that. This is not even the first time I said some personal stuffs to hurt her. Yesterday she did not eat the whole day and she cried like a little kid, water was coming out of her nose when she was crying. I feel like I am too toxic and she deserves better but at the same time we can't live without each other.

Well this aged like fine wine: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...-just-got-a-perfect-girl.283073/#post-3135615

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

whenever we have arguments, I become too toxic and start saying things without even thinking. For example yesterday we had an argument and I became angry so I said " You don't even know who your real father is so how can you know my love?". She doesn't have much memory of her biological father so she became depressed when I said that. This is not even the first time I said some personal stuffs to hurt her. Yesterday she did not eat the whole day and she cried like a little kid, water was coming out of her nose when she was crying. I feel like I am too toxic and she deserves better but at the same time we can't live without each other.

How old are you OP? Maybe just youthful drama?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

You can act like an adult and choose to grow up.

OP is 20, as it says.

This may be relevant:

https://www.reddit.com/r/selfimprovement/comments/148ri7x

Top comment:

"Common slippery slope of self improvement is thinking you are better than everyone else and trying to tell everyonr what to do and why their way of life is wrong."

 

[Mahmudul Hasan]

Well this aged like fine wine: https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...-just-got-a-perfect-girl.283073/#post-3135615

it didn't because she still looks perfect to me and she doesn't talk to other boys

 

[BPH]

it didn't because she still looks perfect to me and she doesn't talk to other boys

It did, because you were preaching about how you're "beta" and found the "perfect girl". You responded to my post there that you would marry her.

It's been a month...ONE MONTH...and you're now hurling personal insults trying to emotionally wound this woman.

So, either you ARE a beta, this won't work out, and you'll have to learn what the real world is like - and decide whether you're going to improve to meet its standards/learn to think before you speak.

Or, there's something that's NOT so perfect about this girl, which is why you're having these arguments where you get so angry.

 

[Vending Machine Veteran]

Nobody has mentioned the fact that women excel at arguing.

They will force you to argue over nothing and then refuse to leave you alone. They insult you passive aggressively, then claim to be the victim, as victimhood is all they truly desire.

I don't know OP, he could be a drunk idiot. Sounds like it.

But I also say mean sh1t when cornered, and women have always cornered me. They love it.

 

[plumber]

it didn't because she still looks perfect to me and she doesn't talk to other boys

She will talk to other boys, it just depends on your culture how and when she does that. You will only know this when older.

If she is argue with you that means she feels like your wrong. She never will feel like a man that she respects is wrong; about almost anything. She works on feelings not logic. Her truth changes as she feels.

She is not the one for you if she does not follow you. If she tells your wrong but respects you she will still follow you and NOT argue. Its just like how an employee will not argue with the company boss after giving advice usually, even if they are sure to be correct.

If she disagree with you, you can thank her for her opinion and politely still do what you wish. If she does not like your choice and wish to leave you, then you should allow her to do so. If she complains in a disrespectful way (according to your culture) then you should spend less time with her and or none.

Insulting her or winning an argument does not help you or her. Winning an argument does not win the heart, also losing an argument can result in loss of respect.

For her to be your student, you must learn more.

 

[Hoodie]

He knows what he is doing is wrong.
He is asking how to stop it.
"Grow up" "snap out of it" doesn't give him an actionable path to gain control over himself.

You need to practice an art that helps you to master control over your body.

It could be exercising.
Meditation.
Daily breathing exercises.
Religion.
Combat sports.
Any competitive sport that requires you to keep your calm and that involves being aware of your body and mind.

This won't only help you in your relationship, but in all other areas of your life.

Being in control over yourself is a requirement for a good life.

 

[RangerMIke]

whenever we have arguments, I become too toxic and start saying things without even thinking. For example yesterday we had an argument and I became angry so I said " You don't even know who your real father is so how can you know my love?". She doesn't have much memory of her biological father so she became depressed when I said that. This is not even the first time I said some personal stuffs to hurt her. Yesterday she did not eat the whole day and she cried like a little kid, water was coming out of her nose when she was crying. I feel like I am too toxic and she deserves better but at the same time we can't live without each other.

Control your emotions. It's very easy to do with practice.

If you find yourself with a woman that triggers you too much, go find another. There are women that just love drama and stirring things up. These are no fun to date, and actually hell to be hitched too.

 

[Vanderdonck]

If you are looking for techniques, the best one is when you feel your blood boiling, TELL yourself to stop and breathe.

Remind yourself that you are under no obligation to respond to anything on someone else's clock. So you certainly don't need to heighten the tension with anger.

Breathe, and if you need to, simply say that you need to go for a walk, or you need to table the discussion for later. If she continues to push your buttons, get out of her presence, calmly say, "I'm going for a walk, I need some air. We can talk later." Firm but calm.

The most important thing is to observe yourself within the moment, not getting lost in it with anger. In fact, observe her, too; see how stupid she looks getting bent out of shape over something miniscule.

Again, this requires you to step outside of yourself a bit, so you may need to practice in front of a mirror. Imagine she's pi$$ing you off and choose a mantra. "I'm calm and unbothered." Something like that. Then practice your breath, and your calm response to her. Like a hero in a movie who never gets bothered. John Wayne etc.

A side bonus of this is that envisioning your calmness will change any "mental movies" you may be having, imagined fights or remembered fights that provoke anger. You can replace them with images of you reacting in a chill way.