Anger

[jhonny9546]

After extensive research here on the forum, and reflecting on all the experiences of my life—both lived and observed—I can finally say that I still haven't been able to understand anger. First of all, do you ever get angry with a woman? Does a woman make you angry, and how do you respond to that?

I have always had the feeling that some women are attracted to men who frequently display anger. They might respond to his "**** tests," or perhaps for other reasons. A perfect example would be my father, who gets angry easily, especially with my mother.

In contrast, personally, I rarely get angry. I don't give in to their tests. I either take things ironically or remain serious and silent. Especially with women, I don't concern myself with their altered emotional states. I try to calmly assert myself and put her in her place. This behavior has led me to question whether I am adopting the right approach, especially since I am in Italy, where many women seem to respond to my demeanor by becoming more upset than before. They sometimes tell me that I am strange for not reacting because "this means nothing to me" or "this is not relevant to me."


Many LTR's here where husbands display anger—like my father's—and verbally "dominate" their partners, instilling fear in them. In such cases, the woman feels "reprimanded." But If you do the mature man, and dominate her emotion, being the mountain, you are seen as a "weak" because you don't get angry.

 

[Ricky]

I think anger and neediness are extremely unattractive. I do think anger is better than catering in when the women is wrong.
Standing your ground and enforcing the boundaries is good. Maybe show a flash of anger, but anger is really really dangerous. I've known guys who have been arrested in arguments and merely raising your voice in an argument can get you arrested in the United States if a woman feels threatened. I'm not sure the rules in Italy.

 

[jhonny9546]

Standing your ground and enforcing the boundaries is good.

This is not anger, but you can express this as calm as you need. Like a ship captain or a school teacher.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Anger issues is like having a mild heart attack on a regular basis. Take it from me, it’s a liability in every aspect of your life. Jobs will have problems; relationships with your family, and the way your kids view you and model you in their own lives; legal liability from short sighted/temporarily insane behaviors; relationships destroyed; your women and your children will not be honest with you, deepening your problems; i could go on. While it’s probably & likely rooted in ones childhood, its not excusable to not address it.

 

[Gamisch]

Tbh I don't have a definite answer. I'd LIKE to be angry when I am angry , happy when I'm happy ect. You know ,just be myself.

On the flip side, to be "myself " isn't always the best available chess move on the board. So I do understand the theory behind standing ABOVE her ,being her leader so she knows that your emotions are mostly sincere and simultaneously "fair". The problem is that women don't necessarily wanna " play fair".

Recently there was this pop the balloon bs show where a woman( sexworker) tells a guy she didn't like him because he "looks gay". Like...damn sis. The narrator pointed out that when a man tell this to another man the game will be "played fair" and its basically a license to get violent. A woman on the otherhand , apparently can insult a man and still get away with it.

Untill she doesn't...

 

[jhonny9546]

Anger issues is like having a mild heart attack on a regular basis. Take it from me, it’s a liability in every aspect of your life. Jobs will have problems; relationships with your family, and the way your kids view you and model you in their own lives; legal liability from short sighted/temporarily insane behaviors; relationships destroyed; your women and your children will not be honest with you, deepening your problems; i could go on. While it’s probably & likely rooted in ones childhood, its not excusable to not address it.

This is true!
It would be curious to hear more from you, and to understand what's your attitude in those scenarios

 

[Vanderdonck]

This is not anger, but you can express this as calm as you need. Like a ship captain or a school teacher.

John Wayne rarely showed anger (his characters that is). Anger is just sadness turned inwards.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

After extensive research here on the forum, and reflecting on all the experiences of my life—both lived and observed—I can finally say that I still haven't been able to understand anger.

I wouldn't call that 'extensive research', but whatever. Anger is a sign of poor emotional self-control and therefore immature behaviour.

First of all, do you ever get angry with a woman? Does a woman make you angry, and how do you respond to that?

I may feel exasperated when a person (man, woman or child) does something without thinking about the consequences, but getting angry is rarely productive towards fixing whatever happened. Vexations happen every day, but getting angry obfuscates the situation and makes it more difficult to find an amenable solution.

I have always had the feeling that some women are attracted to men who frequently display anger. They might respond to his "**** tests," or perhaps for other reasons. A perfect example would be my father, who gets angry easily, especially with my mother.

It's more likely your mother accepted your father's angry tantrums as part of his volatile character than that she was attracted to his mercurial temper.

In contrast, personally, I rarely get angry. I don't give in to their tests. I either take things ironically or remain serious and silent. Especially with women, I don't concern myself with their altered emotional states. I try to calmly assert myself and put her in her place. This behavior has led me to question whether I am adopting the right approach, especially since I am in Italy, where many women seem to respond to my demeanor by becoming more upset than before. They sometimes tell me that I am strange for not reacting because "this means nothing to me" or "this is not relevant to me."

The Mediterranean mercurial temperament is well-known, but in Europe, most Italians are regarded as 'dramatic' and basically toddlers in adult bodies. Italian movies in general show this 'drama' as 'passion', but it's simply immature behaviour.

Similar to the French comedian Louis de Funes, who was in most of his films a caricature of the beleaguered authority exploding in fits of irate displays of impotent anger. Funny? Yes. Attractive? No. Mature / masculine? Certainly not.

Many LTR's here where husbands display anger—like my father's—and verbally "dominate" their partners, instilling fear in them. In such cases, the woman feels "reprimanded." But If you do the mature man, and dominate her emotion, being the mountain, you are seen as a "weak" because you don't get angry.

Being too stoic and 'the mountain' will make you appear emotionally stunted instead of being non-affected. You can engage without becoming emotional and still display passion and maturity without becoming dramatic.

For instance, in dealing with children, I rarely raise my voice, but my intonation changes to show them they reached a boundary they shouldn't cross. As a result, my children understand that the mature way of expressing anger isn't yelling and stomping around like a toddler, but a terse expression of reprimanding bad behaviour. Therefore, my daughter understand when I'm 'angry / upset' without me having to get into an immature yelling match.

Part of that is in intonation and measured escalation, but first requesting compliance ("can you stop doing that?") and escalating verbally in case of non-compliance ("stop doing that or suffer the consequences"). I never punish by striking fear - consequences for children would be curtailing their privileges (like inhibiting 'screen time' by taking away their tablet/phone).
With women, they know I loathe 'dramatic displays', so when they act like a bratty submissive, I 'punish' by taking away my attention and validation.
Asserting your boundaries before you get angry is how a mature individual deals with anger issues. This is why both children and women consider me a safe harbour.

 

[jhonny9546]

The Mediterranean mercurial temperament is well-known, but in Europe, most Italians are regarded as 'dramatic' and basically toddlers in adult bodies. Italian movies in general show this 'drama' as 'passion', but it's simply immature behaviour.

Finally, someone who makes everything easier! Now I don’t have to explain anything to you all. You’ve seen it in the movies!

This is why, personally, I have serious difficulty finding a "whole" model to follow. I appreciate many aspects of being Italian, but certain behaviors make me feel ashamed.

If I could learn more about how to behave, I believe that managing emotions like anger is essential.

We need a control center where our emotions can be filtered and translated into "correct" actions.

Personally, I struggle with this a lot.

Where should I start? In my opinion, I need a role model or someone to look up to.

For example, having you in my life, like a friend or someone I do see ofter, would give me an idea of how to navigate this.