Beauty is the wrapping, not the gift.

[RickTheToad]

To all the men here chasing 'hot' women, beauty is the wrapping, not the gift.

My neighbour commented today on a young woman leaving my house yesterday and called her gorgeous. Delilah is, indeed, gorgeous. Tall, raven mane, cat eyes, hawk nose, cupid lips, slim and fit, reminiscent of a younger Angelina Jolie.

And, not unlike Jolie, a total psycho.

Her father named her aptly, like the Biblical harlot who bested Samson, this Delilah is also manipulative just for fun and games.

She had heard about me from one of her girlfriends, who told her I counselled people with C-PTSD. Could I counsel her? She'd pay handsomely. I could fit her in and yesterday was her third visit.

I admit that at her first visit to my 'practice', she was so stunning in her looks that even I felt a brief flutter in my belly, but I suffer from Delayed Emotional Display, so I didn't show any lust when I shook her hand and invited her to come in. My lack of desire seemed to unsettle her a bit and I decided to keep her unbalanced by not showing any reaction to her appearance.

She's an interesting study from a psychological perspective. Her stories are imaginative, but when you read between the lines, you can see she's a user who turns abusive the moment she finds a chink in some poor man's armour. She was eager to speak about sex and relationships and talked about men the way people talk about their toys. She was easily bored, men didn't really excite her very much, she enjoyed mainly feeling superior and putting people down.

I mirrored her disdain, I don't hate people, but I feel better when they're not around. We had a 'click' and when her time was over, she tried to stay a little longer (which I didn't allow, of course), and made a second appointment. On the second appointment we went a little deeper into the trauma to where she lost her faith in men (incest, of course) and we made some real progress, so on the third visit she became more proactive in trying to 'win me over', hence the even more stunning outfit than the first time and plenty of bending over to show she wasn't wearing a bra. I've played that game before though, most of the BPD women I counsel try to get in my pants at a point in the counselling when they realise they are not the one in control.

Her fourth visit should be interesting, but as I watched Delilah walk away I realised how the wrapping isn't always representative of the contents.

Don't stare yourself blind on the outward beauty of women, they're not all as pretty on the inside as they appear on the outside.

When I hear the name Delilah, it reminds me of the radio show back in the 90s in NYC.

 

[Bingo-Player]

as I watched Delilah walk away I realised how the wrapping isn't always representative of the contents.

Don't stare yourself blind on the outward beauty of women, they're not all as pretty on the inside as they appear on the outside.

All that glitters is not gold

The man that can see through the allure , is a terrifying yet intriguing proposition for an attractive woman

It almost always pays to be nonchalant about her beauty

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

The man that can see through the allure , is a terrifying yet intriguing proposition for an attractive woman

Part of my allure seems to be that I'm not interested in an intimate relationship with the women I counsel.
Most of the women I counsel are not used to being rebuffed when they express interest, even if the man in question is in a relationship already, since most men (in their experience) think with their penis. A man who already has a good sex life and isn't interested in 'greener grass' becomes a challenge, even though they're only interested in the power to seduce, not to maintain a relationship.
I'm pretty sure that if I would give in to their seduction they'd probably lose interest, because then I'm just like the other men - a fool who thinks with his penis.
Delilah loves to be a 'home wrecker', she sees ruining relationships as a sport, it confirms her worldview that men are weak and gullible and stupid. The frustration for her is also that I'm not in a monogamous exclusive relationship that she can ruin.

It almost always pays to be nonchalant about her beauty

If you compliment a woman, it should never be about her beauty. Her taste, her humour, her intelligence can be complimented, but if you drool over her boobs or booty she will understand that you're just as superficial as the men she ruined before you.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Delilah was supposed to come over Thursday (October 3rd), but I cancelled and told her she could come today, in the morning. Her previous three visits were in the late afternoon/evening, so that threw her off balance. She suggested another day/time this week, but I told her that if she couldn't make it today, we'd have to reschedule for the end of next week.

Since Delilah came over at coffee time (ten in the morning) she couldn't dress up like a party girl, as that would look odd. Still, she was dressed to impress in tight leather pants and a silk shirt showing off she wasn't wearing a bra. Her 'sad' eyes looked incongruent with her carefully applied make-up as she asked me if I could give her a hug, or if that would be inappropriate.

I shrugged and opened my arms and she snuggled up to me, holding me tight with her head resting on my shoulder and her face pressed against my neck. She's tall, but I'm taller, and she pressed herself whole body against me as I stroked her upper back. She gave a deep sigh and murmured against my neck how delicious I smelled. I didn't respond to that 'compliment'.

I used to give free hugs as a social experiment and I tend to hug someone until the other person let's go.

Delilah didn't let go but nestled more against me, telling me how much she missed being hugged. When I didn't respond, she leaned back with her arms still tight around me, looked up at my face and said, "You seem skeptic."
"I am skeptic," I told her. "It's hard to imagine you lack people who want to be intimate with you."
"And you?" she asked. From her intonation I could determine she wasn't interested if I was intimate with other women, but that she wanted to know if I wanted to be intimate with her.
"I'm not lacking intimacy," I told her and let go of her and she gave me a final squeeze before stepping back out of my arms.

I turned and went into my kitchen to make coffee. "You want espresso or cappuccino?"
"Can you make mine a cortado?"
"Just a little foam in your espresso, I can do that. You can go into the living room, make yourself comfortable."
She didn't go to the living room, but leaned against the kitchen counter and watched me make coffee, and commented on how 'fastidious' I was about making coffee. A good observation (because I am) but I remembered how her friend Mieke (the one who recommended me to her) made the exact same remark.

I got a feeling Delilah and Mieke had been discussing me. Mieke had also flirted with me, but to no avail. Even if I'm not an actual therapist and I don't have to abide by their professional rules, I don't have sex with my C-PTSD clients. It made me reconsider the hug again, as Mieke had also asked for a hug and acted in a similar fashion (hugging me tight, pressing her full body against me, not wanting to let go). Made me wonder if Mieke had told Delilah how hugging me hadn't raised my ardour, and perhaps she was seeing if she could succeed where Mieke had failed.

During our conversation, she tried to make an emotional connection by asking me a variation of 'what about you?' after every answer, but I didn't share my private life and opinions with her. Then she talked about her latest sexcapade, going into unnecessary detail that made me think she was making it up.
As she described the sex, I just looked bored, waited for her to conclude her story and then asked her about her feelings around her sexual encounter. She expressed dissatisfaction and, again, asked me about my sexual life and whether I was satisfied.
I just told her "always" to shut down that line of questioning, but she pouted and told me it was unfair that she shared her inner life with me and I didn't reciprocate. I directed the conversation to how fairness is an ideal and doesn't exist, but striving for fairness is a noble endeavour, so she'd realise I wouldn't share my inner life with her.

Then her time was pretty much up and we made another appointment. On the way out, she turned and hugged me again, then whispered, "I would totally go for you." I just started laughing, then said, "If your feelings interfere with being honest and forthright with me, maybe we should cancel the appointment." That was evidently not the reaction she expected, but she didn't want to cancel our next appointment, so we'll see.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

In referral to the DSM-5 criteria for BPD:

DSM‐5 criteria for borderline personality disorder 27

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self‐image and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:​

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.​

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.​

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self‐image or sense of self.​

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self‐damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).​

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self‐mutilating behavior.​

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).​

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.​

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty in controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).​

9. Transient, stress‐related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.​

​

I think Delilah shows signs of 2, 6, 7 and 8; but other signs like 1, 4, and 5 are pretty much absent. 3 and 9 are difficult to determine because my exposure to her behaviour is limited to an hour a week when she's probably on her 'best behaviour'. In that sense she doesn't have a personality disorder, she's firmly in control of her Dark Triad traits.

I also doubt that she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When someone has a disorder, it throws their own life out of whack. Delilah just enjoys throwing other people's lives out of whack.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I half-expected Delilah to cancel her appointment for this morning, but to my surprise I had a text with ‘Is it still on?’

It was unusual for Delilah to confirm an appointment, so I wondered why now? I never take anything at face value, but in my interactions with the more predatory women I tend to be even more careful with my interpretation.

So I replied, ’Today, 10:00’.


She arrived five minutes early. I welcomed her in, but made her wait in the kitchen while I ‘finished’ up in the living room where our conversations take place. I went to the kitchen at ten sharp and made coffee for both of us.

Delilah was silently watching me, but I never break the silences. Awkward silences often ‘forces’ the nervous to talk.

“Did you think I was serious,” she said. “When I said that, last time?”

Attention and validation.

“That’s why I responded the way I responded,” I replied while I loaded the coffee cups on tray to carry them to the living room. “I gather you don’t meet many trustworthy respectable men, so when you find one, it’s not unusual to fixate on them. Let’s go to the living room.”

I gave her attention, but not the validation she was looking for. Then she reached out for the tray and carried the tray with the coffee to the living room. I could see that she wasn’t used to taking a more submissive role, so I understood she was trying a different manipulation. Probably pedestaling me to expose my vanity.

While she was giving me attention, I became ‘inattentive’ to see how long she could handle frustration. Like when I was making coffee, I focused my attention fully on filling my vaporiser with fresh cannabis while listening to her telling me about her week (this is why most psychiatrists have something like a pipe, as a sort of fidget toy). When she was done talking, I remained silent.

Finally, after a minute of silence, she said, “Well?”

“I wasn’t aware you needed to hear my opinion on your week report.” Since she’s the impatient type, I enjoy talking slow and friendly. A bit like Bob Ross. “I’m not really interested in where you’ve been, but more in where you’re going.”

“I met this guy,” she said. “I think I like him. Like, a lot.”

Familiar ploy. Delilah isn’t the sharing type, so she wanted to talk about fictional relationships in order to gauge my reaction.

So I said, “Have I met this guy?”

She shifted in her chair and said, “No.”

She was so transparent. Her hesitation told me enough.

“Older gentleman?” I suggested. “Worldly, mature, and a bit aloof?”

“I think he’s about twenty years older.”

I grinned. “You don’t seem the type to look for a Daddy.”

“He thinks he’s very smart.”

“Of course, but you’re smarter.”

She tilted her head. “How do you know?”

“I don’t. I do know you’re not the submissive type, so you wouldn’t feel safe with a smarter man. You need to be in control.”

“So do you.”

“I know.” I grinned. “I don’t date women smarter than me either.”

“So you wouldn’t date me.”

I could see that she wanted to argue, but it’s hard fighting against the wind.

“I don’t date.”

“Mieke said you don’t have a girlfriend.”

She tried to seduce me to seduce her, so she could tell Mieke… something. That she was better at seduction? To show that she could succeed where Mieke had failed?

“And Mieke tried to become one. And I told her what I’m telling you. I’m not available.”

“So, why are you not available? You have a girlfriend?”

“That’s irrelevant as to why I’m not available. I’m not superficial enough to be attracted to you. Let’s leave it at that.”

She glared at me. “You want me to leave?”

“You’re waiting for permission or do you need me to make your mind up?”

She leant back and said, “Are you trying to get me angry?”

“If that will stop you from trying to manipulate me, yes.”

Then we both started to laugh and I had a confidential session with her. She tried to appear vulnerable again and I pretended to believe her, for the time being. I don’t think she has true PTSD, but she’s trying to test herself if she can control me. I don’t know what she wants to do that for, but I guess I’ll find out.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I read things like this and I temporarily think about how fun it would be to work as a psychologist.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I read things like this and I temporarily think about how fun it would be to work as a psychologist.

It's fun as long as you're in control.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Maybe I should’ve cancelled our appointment today, as I’m trying out medication for high blood pressure, but Delilah texted me last night hoping our appointment was still on, because she really needed to talk. Her last visit was over three weeks ago, and she claimed she had nobody to talk to (which was implausible, because her friend Mieke PTSD as well). So, anyway, I agreed to the appointment.
Despite the cold damp weather she showed up in a dress again. I don’t heat my house very much, so it was interesting to see how she pretended to be comfortable while I could see she felt chilly. I tossed her one of my fluffy ‘post massage’ blankets and she wrapped it around her and told me her office was heated. I shrugged and told her I was raised to put on warmer clothes before turning up the heat.
With that argument out of the way, she told me she felt increasingly unsafe in the streets, after the recent Israel/Palestine tensions in Amsterdam. Part of her PTSD she claimed was about traumatic sexual harassment when she was seventeen, so she felt triggered by the tension she felt on the street.
I asked her what she wanted to do about her anxiety and she told me that she wanted to take classes in self defence. From me.
I told her I wasn’t currently giving courses. She asked me about private lessons, so I told her that would be too expensive for her. She told me her safety was more important than money.
So we scheduled a private lesson for next week.
After that was settled, we had a conversation about other stuff that ‘plagued’ her, but most of that is too uninteresting to recount here.
One thing was funny. When she left she asked me what she had to wear to the private lesson, but I explained to her that she’d train in her usual clothes, as in real life you couldn’t change to a judo gi when you needed to defend yourself.