Getting Back Together

[Divorced w 3]

Rollo is delusional if he thinks anybody cares; everybody is way too busy looking at themselves to look at others.

Jerry Seinfeld on what to do when people say something bad about you:

“All this hand wringing worry and concern over how are people viewing me — someone said something bad about me, and you get so upset about it — is wasted time and energy. Your only focus should be on getting better at what you're doing. Focus on what you are doing. Get better at what are you doing. Everything else is a waste of time.”

 

[Chow Mein]

My last relationship, we broke up and got back together three times, and remained friends after that for about a year, until she finally cut me off for good. In hindsight, when she broke up with me the first time, I wish I went 'no contact' for good.

Try this next time-

When you first get back together, make it clear that a relationship is no longer in the works. Have her know that you enjoy each others’ company and not wanting to jeopardize the companionship with the complications of a relationship. Either she agrees to be a FWB or walks away. You win every time.

 

[Glassguy]

Trust and respect are gone by one or both people at the end of the relationship.
Neither can fully be recovered once gone.
No reason to spend your time looking over your shoulder wondering what some woman is doing if there was cheating/lying.
If a woman was disrespectful, taking her back gives her the green light to do it again. After all, we teach people how we want to be treated based on what we allow.
Therefore, it's always best to start with a new canvas than try to cover up a poor painting.

FWB situations are different as I don't consider them actual "relationships".

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

FWB situations are different as I don't consider them actual "relationships".

Yet, they are actual relationship. Just because you don't 'consider them to be' doesn't change that.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Years ago, my sisters's bf broke up with her. At the time I suggested to her that she should never get back with an ex. She just ignored me and shaked her head like saying "You dont know what your talking about".

I remember talking a little bit about her with @BeExcellent In a different thread. BeE told me that my sister couldnt see her own value for some reason, but that she would see It eventually. Now, she just broke up with him a few weeks ago.

 

[BeExcellent]

Looking back I've never gotten back with an ex. But I have made every effort to make a relationship work while it was ongoing. There comes a point at which things cannot be resolved if either person is unwilling to grow.

Any of us as individuals can only ever be half of the interaction. Yes we have to own our crap and own our behavior and be honest with ourselves about what we are contributing to the interaction, but at the end of the day we remain only half of the interaction.

We have no way to make another person change their behavior. Ergo, if the other person's behavior is at issue you either tolerate it or leave. Those are truly the only choices you have. Now. If the other person assigns you enough value they will be mindful of how their behavior affects you and they will modify their behavior for the benefit of the relationship, that is the growth part of learning to be considerate of your partner, and it is a learned thing. If they don't? You have to respect yourself enough to walk away.

My bet @Dr.Suave is that your sister reached a point where, to preserve her own self respect, the only choice was to leave. But she had to arrive at that conclusion on her own.

Humans are inherently selfish and yet humans also crave social contact and meaningful connection, but these things (selfish nature and desire for connection) are at odds and in conflict. It takes compromise to make it work in any relationship. It takes self sacrifice and consideration of the other person as well as action (active follow through) to get there. It takes a level of maturity to get there, and some people never attain that maturity level.

I am an extremely patient person in relationship. If I'm in, I'm ALL in. But I also have boundaries that are based in my own self respect. I'm also transparent about my boundaries and expectations. But there is still always and forever that dovetail of how I interrelate with my husband, and his personal growth trajectory is different than mine. Typically one individual has farther distance to travel than the other to reach harmony in relationship. Patience is requisite in allowing that growth and journey to occur.

And that is why marriage (for example) is difficult. Both people must want to accomodate each other, and make the effort, and at the same time be patient. Not easy. Worth it, but not easy.

 

[BaronOfHair]

When you have broken up with a girl and then decided to get back together, was it ever successful the next attempt? I'm not talking about relationships < 3 months.

I've done it a few times and it never lasted for long. The same problems we had with each other were still present for the 2nd and 3rd try. Even though we were aware of each others shortcomings/issues/etc that caused tension, they were things that were rooted so deep that likely would never change. OR if they did, the old ways would creep back in.

Experience has taught me that its best to try and resolve your differences and if it still doesn't work, then its done forever. You need to end it. Typically you just prolong things.

I've had a couple that went from exclusive to friends with benefits. I've never seen anyone successfully salvage that which went sour

 

[DarwinTaurus]

Try this next time-

When you first get back together, make it clear that a relationship is no longer in the works. Have her know that you enjoy each others’ company and not wanting to jeopardize the companionship with the complications of a relationship. Either she agrees to be a FWB or walks away. You win every time.

That's what I did last time she got in contact. I never put a name or a label on our connection, ie: relationship, I was just enjoying her company, and we did sleep together. But like always, it went downhill. She started seeing someone else... I was happy for her, but then she went into crazy mode again, and wrote me some nasty, lengthy text messaged. I wished her well, then blocked her.

 

[Chow Mein]

That's what I did last time she got in contact. I never put a name or a label on our connection, ie: relationship, I was just enjoying her company, and we did sleep together. But like always, it went downhill. She started seeing someone else... I was happy for her, but then she went into crazy mode again, and wrote me some nasty, lengthy text messaged. I wished her well, then blocked her.

She’ll be back haha

 

[DarwinTaurus]

She’ll be back haha

The majority of the time when we fall apart, she is the one that instigates the break up, yet she is also the one to reach out again.

 

[alvinkels]

When you have broken up with a girl and then decided to get back together, was it ever successful the next attempt? I'm not talking about relationships < 3 months.

I've done it a few times and it never lasted for long. The same problems we had with each other were still present for the 2nd and 3rd try. Even though we were aware of each others shortcomings/issues/etc that caused tension, they were things that were rooted so deep that likely would never change. OR if they did, the old ways would creep back in.

Experience has taught me that its best to try and resolve your differences and if it still doesn't work, then its done forever. You need to end it. Typically you just prolong things.

I made a mistake and I will never repeat it again. Don't ever get back with an ex under any circumstances?!!!


After she broke up with me I brought her back after like 8 months and today as you reading this I regret doing that because she did broke up with. The disturbing thing is that on both occasions the reason were trivial but she still break up is what she wanted. This morning when I woke up i delete her contacts and got rid of anything that associates her. I always had this policy to never deal with an ex but I didn't follow through and I now I am regretting. I have wasted 6 months of life, resources, energy on someone I thought they would want better things for themselves.


So please don't ever get back with an ex especially she had been other people and also she is very self unaware of her. In my case I thought I could her make I haven't learned my lesson hence from now on I am avoiding any girl with certain attributes.

 

[Ricky]

I have seen plenty of cases where people cheat and get back together. Or someone has a substance abuse issue and they break up but get back together when one gets clean

i have seen plenty of break ups and make ups

A key is. Are people able to address the problems, have difficult conversations and do both parties improve themselves to make the relationship better. Thats the key.

Since many don’t want to put in the work on themselves and relationships, often the relationship fails again.

 

[Glassguy]

Yet, they are actual relationship. Just because you don't 'consider them to be' doesn't change that.

Yeah I don't so there's that....

 

[CaptHowdy]

When you have broken up with a girl and then decided to get back together, was it ever successful the next attempt? I'm not talking about relationships < 3 months.

I've done it a few times and it never lasted for long. The same problems we had with each other were still present for the 2nd and 3rd try. Even though we were aware of each others shortcomings/issues/etc that caused tension, they were things that were rooted so deep that likely would never change. OR if they did, the old ways would creep back in.

Experience has taught me that its best to try and resolve your differences and if it still doesn't work, then its done forever. You need to end it. Typically you just prolong things.

No. In my opinion, people don't change. Getting back together is just a band aide. YMMV

 

[justaroundthecorner]

End of the relationship is often connected with feelings of disrespect, disillusion, annoyance, boredom or rage, lack of trust and overall low interest in the other person - getting back together rarely overwrites those feelings or memories of them or facts that lead to it.