Getting Back Together

[Divorced w 3]

Rollo is delusional if he thinks anybody cares; everybody is way too busy looking at themselves to look at others.

Jerry Seinfeld on what to do when people say something bad about you:

“All this hand wringing worry and concern over how are people viewing me — someone said something bad about me, and you get so upset about it — is wasted time and energy. Your only focus should be on getting better at what you're doing. Focus on what you are doing. Get better at what are you doing. Everything else is a waste of time.”

 

[Chow Mein]

My last relationship, we broke up and got back together three times, and remained friends after that for about a year, until she finally cut me off for good. In hindsight, when she broke up with me the first time, I wish I went 'no contact' for good.

Try this next time-

When you first get back together, make it clear that a relationship is no longer in the works. Have her know that you enjoy each others’ company and not wanting to jeopardize the companionship with the complications of a relationship. Either she agrees to be a FWB or walks away. You win every time.

 

[Glassguy]

Trust and respect are gone by one or both people at the end of the relationship.
Neither can fully be recovered once gone.
No reason to spend your time looking over your shoulder wondering what some woman is doing if there was cheating/lying.
If a woman was disrespectful, taking her back gives her the green light to do it again. After all, we teach people how we want to be treated based on what we allow.
Therefore, it's always best to start with a new canvas than try to cover up a poor painting.

FWB situations are different as I don't consider them actual "relationships".

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

FWB situations are different as I don't consider them actual "relationships".

Yet, they are actual relationship. Just because you don't 'consider them to be' doesn't change that.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Years ago, my sisters's bf broke up with her. At the time I suggested to her that she should never get back with an ex. She just ignored me and shaked her head like saying "You dont know what your talking about".

I remember talking a little bit about her with @BeExcellent In a different thread. BeE told me that my sister couldnt see her own value for some reason, but that she would see It eventually. Now, she just broke up with him a few weeks ago.

 

[BeExcellent]

Looking back I've never gotten back with an ex. But I have made every effort to make a relationship work while it was ongoing. There comes a point at which things cannot be resolved if either person is unwilling to grow.

Any of us as individuals can only ever be half of the interaction. Yes we have to own our crap and own our behavior and be honest with ourselves about what we are contributing to the interaction, but at the end of the day we remain only half of the interaction.

We have no way to make another person change their behavior. Ergo, if the other person's behavior is at issue you either tolerate it or leave. Those are truly the only choices you have. Now. If the other person assigns you enough value they will be mindful of how their behavior affects you and they will modify their behavior for the benefit of the relationship, that is the growth part of learning to be considerate of your partner, and it is a learned thing. If they don't? You have to respect yourself enough to walk away.

My bet @Dr.Suave is that your sister reached a point where, to preserve her own self respect, the only choice was to leave. But she had to arrive at that conclusion on her own.

Humans are inherently selfish and yet humans also crave social contact and meaningful connection, but these things (selfish nature and desire for connection) are at odds and in conflict. It takes compromise to make it work in any relationship. It takes self sacrifice and consideration of the other person as well as action (active follow through) to get there. It takes a level of maturity to get there, and some people never attain that maturity level.

I am an extremely patient person in relationship. If I'm in, I'm ALL in. But I also have boundaries that are based in my own self respect. I'm also transparent about my boundaries and expectations. But there is still always and forever that dovetail of how I interrelate with my husband, and his personal growth trajectory is different than mine. Typically one individual has farther distance to travel than the other to reach harmony in relationship. Patience is requisite in allowing that growth and journey to occur.

And that is why marriage (for example) is difficult. Both people must want to accomodate each other, and make the effort, and at the same time be patient. Not easy. Worth it, but not easy.