Internal battle

[Murk]

I'm suffering right now, I'm having a kid, with a good woman who will be a great mother and who has a great "normal" family. I feel I'll be locked down forever. I've had a few opportunities to cheat since I found out I'm having a baby and I have stayed strong. Will I have to constantly do this? I like sexy women, I want to bang them all. A good friend of mine has had a baby 3 days ago, 2 weeks ago I asked him how he deals with staying loyal and not looking at other women. He just shook his head and said "you've just gotta do it", I felt his pain.

As someone who has always had options, is this just a cross I have to bear? A defect in my personality? I see so many couples, friends, family, I think how can they be happy together forever? Can I retrain my brain to think like a "normal" man? I'm already planning a future where I have 2 families. My family now, and a new one in 10 years time. It's horrible I'm having these thoughts but I have to admit it to you guys. I think I'm kind of broken. My desire for other women and children with them has increased since finding out I'll be dad.

 

[Barrister]

It is tough to swallow the red pill and then go back into the "happily ever after" mindset. It is possible with the right woman. But I question whether you have the right woman (and no, I don't mean "the one" which is a flawed concept altogether, just a woman who works with you for long term).

You sound bored with her and like you wouldn't still be around if not for the pregnancy and your child coming into the world. First, being a father is one of the greatest blessings you can have. So don't lament about that. However, if you don't see yourself being able to be with this woman long term, there is no point in trying to fit a square peg into a round hole just because there is a child in the picture. You can be a part of his/her life without needing to do that. Granted, dumping her right before the birth probably wouldn't be the most prudent move you could do to make your life easy.

I would give it some time after the birth and see how you feel. If a few months have gone by and you just aren't feeling it, I would talk to your child's mother about you wanting to co-parent with her to raise your child, but that the relationship just isn't working. She won't take it well at all, so be prepared for some blow back.

Again, don't try to force something that isn't going to work. Life is too short to make yourself miserable.

 

[The Duke]

I've got two friends that struggle to stay faithful. With both of them I think it's about validating their own worth/manhood. Both are very good with women. They struggle giving in to temptation and when they aren't happy with their significant other they look for other options and cheat. These guys aren't strong enough to stay faithful nor strong enough to live by themselves and simply date.

Do you think it's a physical desire or more mental desire for you?

I'm family man material but I'm no family man. A guy really needs to figure out who he is and stick to his guns. Don't pretend to be someone you are not. You will be unhappy and cause lots of problems for yourself and others you care about.

I've got this strong Hunter desire in me. I love seducing new women and I'm good at it. Once I've conquered her and she worships the ground I walk on I slowly start to lose interest and the diverge starts. I wish it would go away, I've left some good women because I lost interest and it was really no fault of theirs.

 

[Agamemnon43]

The suffering you are enduring right now will pale in comparison to the suffering you will create in the future by leading a "double" life, cheating, lying, etc. and complicating your life.
Take on the responsibility to create a normal functioning family, in todays world it's one of the greatest accomplishments a man can make.
It's rough, I see the same problem looming in the near future for me too.

 

[Manure Spherian]

I'm already planning a future where I have 2 families. My family now, and a new one in 10 years time.

I think you should think of the impact this has on children and everyone else that can be affected. I believe you should look into the effects of broken homes and low parental investment (and I don’t mean investment as in just signing checks for kids’ expenses). A marriage is not just two individuals getting together, although that’s what Westerners have come to view it as. Divorce has huge ramifications, not just on two people and their children.

I’ve been married for nearly ten years and been with my wife for thirteen and we have two kids. I have had IOI’s and been flagrantly asked out by co-workers in this time. I am a product of divorce and a negligent father. My loyalty to my family and extended family, as a whole, and my wish to have my kids to have family backing and adequate resources is so strong that I intend to never be unfaithful. And yes, although this is out of respect and love for my wife, this is ultimately done for my kids and honor.

 

[Manure Spherian]

By the way, considering what I just posted, the reality is that high-status men can generally get away with cheating and major transgressions for a long f-cling time! So if you have no moral and ethical restrictions, generally speaking, your woman (or women) ain’t going nowhere no matter what you do. Of course I don’t know your woman as an individual and what she will tolerate.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Here’s a pertinent quote from my favorite book on sex and marriage:

“Men, by contrast, usually accept that their demand for faithfulness from their wives entails a reciprocal duty of faithfulness to their wives. In fact, I am inclined to believe most men lay too much stress on this. For a man, fidelity in marriage should be a matter of preserving his own honor and ensuring that he is able to be a proper father to all his children; his wife’s feelings are a secondary matter, as are his own. In any case, the marriage vow is carefully formulated to enunciate a reciprocity of obligations; both the man and woman pledge faithfulness for life. Given innate sex differences, it is not possible to eliminate the double-standard any more than marriage already has.”

~F. Roger Devlin

 

[BaronOfHair]

Will I have to constantly do this?

If you're going to marry your baby mama... Yep, resisting the urge to behave like a swinging single guy will come with the territory. Frankly, in addition to being a status symbol, marriage in The Post-Industrial World serves only one other purpose:

Preventing our entire f-cking planet from falling into the sorry shape that Sub-Saharan Africa https://www.sos-usa.org/about-us/wh...ygamy and,often have changing sexual partners has been in since The 80s. When human societies don't promote monagamish living (No one with an ounce of sense believes that most married couples are 100% faithful), folks end up behaving like rats

 

[Manure Spherian]

They struggle giving in to temptation and when they aren't happy with their significant other they look for other options and cheat. These guys aren't strong enough to stay faithful nor strong enough to live by themselves and simply date.

This comes across as extreme neediness and catty vengeance. Like, “My women and I haven’t gotten along for a week. She’s being a nagging *****. I guess I’ll get unstated revenge and probe to myself I still got it.” My brother used to pull sh-t like this.

I’ve also known men who, immediately after a breakup, like, I mean the same freaking day, go into some bizarre panic mode and frantically hit the dating apps or go out on the town in an attempt to lock some other women down ASAP.

 

[Manure Spherian]

If you're going to marry your baby mama... Yep, resisting the urge to behave like a swinging single guy will come with the territory. Frankly, in addition to being a status symbol, marriage in The Post-Industrial World serves only one other purpose:

Preventing our entire f-cking planet from falling into the sorry shape that Sub-Saharan Africa https://www.sos-usa.org/about-us/where-we-work/africa/aids-in-africa#:~:text=Sexual Behavior: The polygamy and,often have changing sexual partners has been in since The 80s. When human societies don't promote monagamish living (No one with an ounce of sense believes that most married couples are 100% faithful), folks end up behaving like rats

This. Refer to “Back to Africa: Sexual Atavism in the West” by F. Roger Devlin.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Murk,
I've brought up five Kids,somehow I will be interested to see how you go, taking turns at getting up all hours to change the nappies,enduring long periods of celibacy,handling post natal depression it 'taint easy Man.

 

[BaronOfHair]

This. Refer to “Back to Africa: Sexual Atavism in the West” by F. Roger Devlin.

As has been mentioned elsewhere on this forum and millions of other forums: We humans are hardwired to nail everything with a heartbeat, irrational and foolhardy as actually doing so in the modern world may be. Also true: We're biologically hardwired to piss and sh-t wherever we happen to be standing, and to cave in the skulls of anyone whom we PERCEIVE to be a mortal threat

One of the few things that separates us from the animals is that we have the power to not simply act on whatever urge comes over us at any given moment. Murk is going to discover that cultivating this capacity doesn't come naturally to any of us, and requires practice

He'll also be in conflict with our current zeitgeist, where it's now considered "speciest" to say the words "Don't act like a f-cking animal" to anyone who flatly refuses to not go through life acting on whichever emotion they're having at the moment

 

[TB24]

Stay or leave. Don‘t cheat.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

@Murk

@Manure Spherian hits the nail on the head. The obstacle is the way. Sex is incredibly easy to obtain, and while it's satisfying we all know it's a shallow pursuit in the end. It will fluff your ego temporarily, but in reality if you're wrecking house to get it elsewhere then it's a massive cop out to dealing with deep seated issues you have with long term commitment or perhaps this partner in particular or perhaps self doubt in general.

The real strength and growth will come from facing the obstacle head on and overcoming it. In this instance perhaps it's your doubt in yourself to be a good father, or good husband. In some capacity the situation is daunting or intimidating you into resorting to coping strategies.

Ask yourself what you expect to get out of cheating that you don't get now. If it really is just a primal urge to fack then hit the gym and hit some new PRs or start a new business and hack away at it like there's no tomorrow.

Whatever you choose, make sure it challenges you to grow in healthy directions.

 

[Manure Spherian]

@Murk

@Manure Spherian hits the nail on the head. The obstacle is the way. Sex is incredibly easy to obtain, and while it's satisfying we all know it's a shallow pursuit in the end. It will fluff your ego temporarily, but in reality if you're wrecking house to get it elsewhere then it's a massive cop out to dealing with deep seated issues you have with long term commitment or perhaps this partner in particular or perhaps self doubt in general.

The real strength and growth will come from facing the obstacle head on and overcoming it. In this instance perhaps it's your doubt in yourself to be a good father, or good husband. In some capacity the situation is daunting or intimidating you into resorting to coping strategies.

Ask yourself what you expect to get out of cheating that you don't get now. If it really is just a primal urge to fack then hit the gym and hit some new PRs or start a new business and hack away at it like there's no tomorrow.

Whatever you choose, make sure it challenges you to grow in healthy directions.

Thanks. Great post.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You believe your self worth is obtained by how many women you fvck, not because you have any intrinsic notion of self worth from within.

This is a YOU problem and will not get fixed unless and until you do a lot of work on yourself.

The hard, dirty work that most people don't like doing.

Essentially you don't believe you have worth just because you are you and have to "prove" that you do by doing things like bang as many women so you can constantly remind yourself of it.

Honestly it's not much different than women who constantly seek attention due to low self esteem...same root issues...this is the male version of that.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Monogamy isn't a realistic long term lifestyle IMO. If it makes you a better father and partner/husband, a little side action is fine. Just don't catch feelz for any side ho. One and done and keep it discreet.

Why Men Can’t Cope With Monogamy

Monogamy is failing men.

www.huffpost.com

 

[Murk]

It is tough to swallow the red pill and then go back into the "happily ever after" mindset. It is possible with the right woman. But I question whether you have the right woman (and no, I don't mean "the one" which is a flawed concept altogether, just a woman who works with you for long term).

You sound bored with her and like you wouldn't still be around if not for the pregnancy and your child coming into the world. First, being a father is one of the greatest blessings you can have. So don't lament about that. However, if you don't see yourself being able to be with this woman long term, there is no point in trying to fit a square peg into a round hole just because there is a child in the picture. You can be a part of his/her life without needing to do that. Granted, dumping her right before the birth probably wouldn't be the most prudent move you could do to make your life easy.

I would give it some time after the birth and see how you feel. If a few months have gone by and you just aren't feeling it, I would talk to your child's mother about you wanting to co-parent with her to raise your child, but that the relationship just isn't working. She won't take it well at all, so be prepared for some blow back.

Again, don't try to force something that isn't going to work. Life is too short to make yourself miserable.

You got a woman pregnant whom you see casually? Is the kid yours? Did you do any planning on that or it was a oops? Is she your gf? Do you live together? Are you married?

If answers are no. You gotta worse problems to worry about than being faithful. Get ready for a world of hurt.

No exclusively, the baby was planned, she will be moving in with me and I'm converting my spare room/office into a nursery. Did plan to marry, now having second thoughts, as long as they are all under my roof marriage is the least of my worries for now (although she wants that).
Yeah I've already thought to give it a year after birth, maybe even 2 years before I make a decision and I know how stressful this time is. You're right, it's not ideal, she's a good woman, good supportive family and will be a good mother, so they are major boxes ticked for me.

She's not who I see myself growing old with though, but that may change and I'm allowing myself to understand that.

I've got two friends that struggle to stay faithful. With both of them I think it's about validating their own worth/manhood. Both are very good with women. They struggle giving in to temptation and when they aren't happy with their significant other they look for other options and cheat. These guys aren't strong enough to stay faithful nor strong enough to live by themselves and simply date.

Do you think it's a physical desire or more mental desire for you?

I'm family man material but I'm no family man. A guy really needs to figure out who he is and stick to his guns. Don't pretend to be someone you are not. You will be unhappy and cause lots of problems for yourself and others you care about.

I've got this strong Hunter desire in me. I love seducing new women and I'm good at it. Once I've conquered her and she worships the ground I walk on I slowly start to lose interest and the diverge starts. I wish it would go away, I've left some good women because I lost interest and it was really no fault of theirs.

It's purely physical and the idea I'm "settling". I can and have been alone, I've also been with a woman and not cheated for a year (even while being unhappy). I'm capable of it.

 

[Murk]

I think you should think of the impact this has on children and everyone else that can be affected. I believe you should look into the effects of broken homes and low parental investment (and I don’t mean investment as in just signing checks for kids’ expenses). A marriage is not just two individuals getting together, although that’s what Westerners have come to view it as. Divorce has huge ramifications, not just on two people and their children.

I’ve been married for nearly ten years and been with my wife for thirteen and we have two kids. I have had IOI’s and been flagrantly asked out by co-workers in this time. I am a product of divorce and a negligent father. My loyalty to my family and extended family, as a whole, and my wish to have my kids to have family backing and adequate resources is so strong that I intend to never be unfaithful. And yes, although this is out of respect and love for my wife, this is ultimately done for my kids and honor.

I'm hoping this kicks in and I know I can forsake my own happiness for the success of my family. I think when she starts showing ad it becomes more real, my instincts and natural inclination for family will kick in.

 

[Barrister]

I'm hoping this kicks in and I know I can forsake my own happiness for the success of my family. I think when she starts showing ad it becomes more real, my instincts and natural inclination for family will kick in.

This is only a band aid. If you aren't fulfilled by this woman it will become an issue for you -- kids or not. Don't be one of the many people who stay in a bad/unfulfilling relationship "for the kids." You will be unhappy and as a result your kids will suffer.

I agree with giving it more time. But don't think that just because your child appears that you suddenly will be OK in your relationship.