Need some perspective on my 3y relationship

[Realthangpoon]

Some background:
I'm 31, she's 27. Been together for 2,5 years. We bought a house together (I know I know, but houses are nearly unaffordable alone where I live).
No kids.

Long stort short, just before we got together I was doing well in the marketplace and made a relationship choice out of two options:
1) A chick I really resonated with (same personality, same hobbies, ...)
2) My current girlfriend, who fell head over heels with me.
I know #1 had been f*cking other guys lately so, although I had oneitis for her, I chose the 'safe' and rational option, which is my current girlfriend.
My girl had all the qualities I was looking for: beautiful, intelligent, low notch count, family-oriented, wants to have kids etc.

She still has the qualities, but lately I'm not feeling too good in our relationship. Some of the the issues:
- We share the same values, but we're wired completely different. Some examples: she takes my ironic sense of humor seriously, she doesn't understand why I need alone time to charge my batteries, she's a bomb of energy and I like to be more laid back/quiet, ... This can be frustrating.
- She's extremely feminine, and her emotional rollercoaster sometimes sucks the life out of me. I know I should weather all storms as a man but she's a f*cking tsunami and I'm a poor fisher in a lil boat.
- The non-stop talking and the discussions. I feel like I can't get peace anymore and that I don't have my own thoughts anymore.
- She talks a lot about kids and it brings a lot of pressure. If it's up to her we have 3 kids next week.
- Her insecurities on our relationship and the constant need for my validation. She's probably feeling my doubts, so that's partly on me.
- Her relentless show of affection and love can be really nice, but it's also smothering me.

This all sounds very negative, but she's still a caring, loving partner. She's loyal, hard-working, ...
I can be a selfish d*ck too so it's not one sided. Maybe she's just not for me.

I've been worrying a lot over this lately and am not sure if or how to continue.
I'm starting to grow resentful and if I'm not being cautious she will too and the relationship will be over.

If we break up I know it will wreck her and it will be brutal because our families have become very intertwined. The house might have to be sold etc.
On the other hand it's better to do it sooner than later because of her child wish. I'm not looking forward to sifting through the dumpster fire that is the dating market (although that is not a reason to stay together).

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get if off my mind and could use some thoughts on this.
Honest feedback is very welcome.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

My thoughts: most of your issues could be solved by you taking a more pro-active masculine frame in the relationship. Establish boundaries and make her respect them.

P.S. Realistically, you should've done that before/at the start of the relationship, but it's not too late.

 

[pipeman84]

If she's so intelligent, how come she can't read the room and keeps pestering you about kids?

low notch count

If she was a virgin, I fully stand by @AmsterdamAssassin suggestion above. If not, that means she either had a party phase or sucked the life out of some other poor sap and you're next in line ... either way, probably best to abort mission before she gets pregnant (accidentally or in one of your moments of weakness).

 

[BaronOfHair]

Some background:
I'm 31, she's 27. Been together for 2,5 years. We bought a house together (I know I know, but...

Obviously you DON'T know. You wouldn't be making excuses otherwise. Houses are expensive everywhere and at all times in human history... If anything, this is MORE incentive to NOT buy one with some broad that you haven't thoroughly vetted and selected

- She's extremely feminine, and her emotional rollercoaster sometimes sucks the life out of me

Brings us back around to a discussion we were having elsewhere

https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/women-are-cold-as-ice-and-thats-oke.282221/page-2#post-3118669 Read the 9th post

https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/women-are-cold-as-ice-and-thats-oke.282221/#post-3118479 Read the 7th post

If friends(I.E. Folks who won't be a feminine rollercoaster of emotion) are what you're in the market for, seek that from your fellow men, not a woman. Her role in a union is to be her man's lover and assistant, not a "friend" or drinking buddy. From what you're describing, girl doesn't seem to be upholding her end of the bargain

The information you've shared with us thus far doesn't bespeak of a relationship that's especially sturdy, thus it'll behoove you to start familiarizing yourself with the legalities of what becomes of the house(Namely, who's on the hook for what, financially), once you all split up

You can rebound from all of this... It's just imperative to be well-prepared, and not wait around for s-it to befall you

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Simply sounds like two people who don't understand how to compromise and who each need to have their own way too often.

That won't work.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Realthang,
The list of her sins is very short indeed,you could do worse...But you are just not ready for a Family,that really is a non-sequitor as is your financial situation...I counsel doing nothing,nothing at all,just placate and prevaricate.but be very careful about birth control,these matters have a way of sorting themselves out.

 

[pipeman84]

Are you a virgin bro? Cause you like to throw that word in every post. Are you waiting for a virgin to take your virginity?

No. I mention that word when it's about LTRs, marriage/children because it's often the elephant in the room.

 

[SpartanWarrior77]

Sounds like you need to dump this chick, go through the dumpster fire and then realize what a mistake you made and find a slightly better chick, hopefully younger.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Some background:
I'm 31, she's 27. Been together for 2,5 years. We bought a house together (I know I know, but houses are nearly unaffordable alone where I live).
No kids.

Long stort short, just before we got together I was doing well in the marketplace and made a relationship choice out of two options:
1) A chick I really resonated with (same personality, same hobbies, ...)
2) My current girlfriend, who fell head over heels with me.
I know #1 had been f*cking other guys lately so, although I had oneitis for her, I chose the 'safe' and rational option, which is my current girlfriend.
My girl had all the qualities I was looking for: beautiful, intelligent, low notch count, family-oriented, wants to have kids etc.

She still has the qualities, but lately I'm not feeling too good in our relationship. Some of the the issues:
- We share the same values, but we're wired completely different. Some examples: she takes my ironic sense of humor seriously, she doesn't understand why I need alone time to charge my batteries, she's a bomb of energy and I like to be more laid back/quiet, ... This can be frustrating.
- She's extremely feminine, and her emotional rollercoaster sometimes sucks the life out of me. I know I should weather all storms as a man but she's a f*cking tsunami and I'm a poor fisher in a lil boat.
- The non-stop talking and the discussions. I feel like I can't get peace anymore and that I don't have my own thoughts anymore.
- She talks a lot about kids and it brings a lot of pressure. If it's up to her we have 3 kids next week.
- Her insecurities on our relationship and the constant need for my validation. She's probably feeling my doubts, so that's partly on me.
- Her relentless show of affection and love can be really nice, but it's also smothering me.

This all sounds very negative, but she's still a caring, loving partner. She's loyal, hard-working, ...
I can be a selfish d*ck too so it's not one sided. Maybe she's just not for me.

I've been worrying a lot over this lately and am not sure if or how to continue.
I'm starting to grow resentful and if I'm not being cautious she will too and the relationship will be over.

If we break up I know it will wreck her and it will be brutal because our families have become very intertwined. The house might have to be sold etc.
On the other hand it's better to do it sooner than later because of her child wish. I'm not looking forward to sifting through the dumpster fire that is the dating market (although that is not a reason to stay together).

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get if off my mind and could use some thoughts on this.
Honest feedback is very welcome.

Maybe your gut Is telling you that you can do even better than her and at 31, It Is possible to do better than her but luck can be a factor

 

[evan12]

Some background:
I'm 31, she's 27. Been together for 2,5 years. We bought a house together (I know I know, but houses are nearly unaffordable alone where I live).
No kids.

Long stort short, just before we got together I was doing well in the marketplace and made a relationship choice out of two options:
1) A chick I really resonated with (same personality, same hobbies, ...)
2) My current girlfriend, who fell head over heels with me.
I know #1 had been f*cking other guys lately so, although I had oneitis for her, I chose the 'safe' and rational option, which is my current girlfriend.
My girl had all the qualities I was looking for: beautiful, intelligent, low notch count, family-oriented, wants to have kids etc.

She still has the qualities, but lately I'm not feeling too good in our relationship. Some of the the issues:
- We share the same values, but we're wired completely different. Some examples: she takes my ironic sense of humor seriously, she doesn't understand why I need alone time to charge my batteries, she's a bomb of energy and I like to be more laid back/quiet, ... This can be frustrating.
- She's extremely feminine, and her emotional rollercoaster sometimes sucks the life out of me. I know I should weather all storms as a man but she's a f*cking tsunami and I'm a poor fisher in a lil boat.
- The non-stop talking and the discussions. I feel like I can't get peace anymore and that I don't have my own thoughts anymore.
- She talks a lot about kids and it brings a lot of pressure. If it's up to her we have 3 kids next week.
- Her insecurities on our relationship and the constant need for my validation. She's probably feeling my doubts, so that's partly on me.
- Her relentless show of affection and love can be really nice, but it's also smothering me.

This all sounds very negative, but she's still a caring, loving partner. She's loyal, hard-working, ...
I can be a selfish d*ck too so it's not one sided. Maybe she's just not for me.

I've been worrying a lot over this lately and am not sure if or how to continue.
I'm starting to grow resentful and if I'm not being cautious she will too and the relationship will be over.

If we break up I know it will wreck her and it will be brutal because our families have become very intertwined. The house might have to be sold etc.
On the other hand it's better to do it sooner than later because of her child wish. I'm not looking forward to sifting through the dumpster fire that is the dating market (although that is not a reason to stay together).

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get if off my mind and could use some thoughts on this.
Honest feedback is very welcome.

She look a normal woman, feminnie women are full of energy and mood changes they are like the sea with waves, also good she look to have children this much , most women these day look at children as their enemies.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

No. I mention that word when it's about LTRs, marriage/children because it's often the elephant in the room.

More like the search for the holy grail by delusional males these days

 

[pipeman84]

More like the search for the holy grail by delusional males these days

Investing time, emotions, money in a woman with a proven track-record of failure is what males who are not delusional do?
Marriage and children means at least a 20yrs commitment ... but sure, let's go down that road with a woman who has proven several times she can't stay more than 2 years in a relationship.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Some background:
I'm 31, she's 27. Been together for 2,5 years. We bought a house together (I know I know, but houses are nearly unaffordable alone where I live).
No kids.

Long stort short, just before we got together I was doing well in the marketplace and made a relationship choice out of two options:
1) A chick I really resonated with (same personality, same hobbies, ...)
2) My current girlfriend, who fell head over heels with me.
I know #1 had been f*cking other guys lately so, although I had oneitis for her, I chose the 'safe' and rational option, which is my current girlfriend.
My girl had all the qualities I was looking for: beautiful, intelligent, low notch count, family-oriented, wants to have kids etc.

She still has the qualities, but lately I'm not feeling too good in our relationship. Some of the the issues:
- We share the same values, but we're wired completely different. Some examples: she takes my ironic sense of humor seriously, she doesn't understand why I need alone time to charge my batteries, she's a bomb of energy and I like to be more laid back/quiet, ... This can be frustrating.
- She's extremely feminine, and her emotional rollercoaster sometimes sucks the life out of me. I know I should weather all storms as a man but she's a f*cking tsunami and I'm a poor fisher in a lil boat.
- The non-stop talking and the discussions. I feel like I can't get peace anymore and that I don't have my own thoughts anymore.
- She talks a lot about kids and it brings a lot of pressure. If it's up to her we have 3 kids next week.
- Her insecurities on our relationship and the constant need for my validation. She's probably feeling my doubts, so that's partly on me.
- Her relentless show of affection and love can be really nice, but it's also smothering me.

This all sounds very negative, but she's still a caring, loving partner. She's loyal, hard-working, ...
I can be a selfish d*ck too so it's not one sided. Maybe she's just not for me.

I've been worrying a lot over this lately and am not sure if or how to continue.
I'm starting to grow resentful and if I'm not being cautious she will too and the relationship will be over.

If we break up I know it will wreck her and it will be brutal because our families have become very intertwined. The house might have to be sold etc.
On the other hand it's better to do it sooner than later because of her child wish. I'm not looking forward to sifting through the dumpster fire that is the dating market (although that is not a reason to stay together).

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get if off my mind and could use some thoughts on this.
Honest feedback is very welcome.

Been there.

Emotional rollercoasters = red flag. Last thing you want is a woman who can't corral her emotions. Obviously some emotion is normal but too much is exhausting.

Kids - you gotta be on the same page about this.

Insecurity - no good. Find a woman who's confident in herself. I know a lot of RP dudes will say they want a girl wrapped around their finger, but once she starts thinking you're cheating/looking at other girls all the time it's also exhausting.

Smothering behavior - see insecurity.

Some of this can be charming at the beginning but just becomes dreadful. Better to be single than to be stuck. That's my opinion anyway.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Investing time, emotions, money in a woman with a proven track-record of failure is what males who are not delusional do?
Marriage and children means at least a 20yrs commitment ... but sure, let's go down that road with a woman who has proven several times she can't stay more than 2 years in a relationship.

Keep telling yourself that...in many cases it's because the woman has nobody to compare you to because you are insecure about your performance is in the bedroom. Or you feel a lack in other areas but because she has nothing to compare it to she won't know. Effectively you many times it's insecurity and hoping to be able to hide flaws in plain sight they otherwise wouldn't be able to.

That argument is completely illogical because at one point all those women were virgins. So your argument is to just stick with the first person you date even tho they are the wrong person for you? Got it...makes total sense. Why don't you just go date someone you have no interest in after 1 month and be with them forever just because you dated them first. Does that make sense to you?

So the argument is to take a woman who has no idea what a relationship is.

Got it...this is the height of delusion today.

 

[pipeman84]

Keep telling yourself that...in many cases it's because the woman has nobody to compare you to because you are insecure about your performance is in the bedroom. Or you feel a lack in other areas but because she has nothing to compare it to she won't know. Effectively you many times it's insecurity and hoping to be able to hide flaws in plain sight they otherwise wouldn't be able to.

A guy wanting a virgin for LTR/marriage&children because he's insecure about his bedroom performance is a ridiculous assertion. First off, if all he cares about is sex, then why would he limit himself to just one woman instead of having sex with as many women he can?

Secondly, the notion that a virgin has nothing to compare him with is laughable. This is not 1800s. She has a phone in her hands and she can easily see that there are guys that are bigger, more shredded and who last longer in bed. She can also read romance novels and watch sex education on YouTube. Did it occur to you that because of her intelligence, high standards and self restraint she reached 20yrs old being a virgin? If a guy is into trying to hide insecurity and flaws, a ditzy bimbo 'who is discovering herself' and 'exploring her sexuality' would be a more suitable candidate, wouldn't you say?

That argument is completely illogical because at one point all those women were virgins. So your argument is to just stick with the first person you date even tho they are the wrong person for you? Got it...makes total sense. Why don't you just go date someone you have no interest in after 1 month and be with them forever just because you dated them first. Does that make sense to you?

So the argument is to take a woman who has no idea what a relationship is.

Got it...this is the height of delusion today.

Now you're building a strawman ... who suggested dating a woman one is not interested in, let alone entering a relationship with her?
Of course there has to be mutual attraction, love, respect, world-view and so on for an LTR to be considered.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Ah, the virgin thing. We can go around and around for years (we have already been, in fact). And its usually the same members, repeating the same stuff, sometimes with a little improvement to their arguments and sometimes not even that.

I dont think its worthy of discussing at this point. I think virgin discussion should be banned from the forum. But I will at least say this:

I can understand both sides, both of you have some good points. But maybe its missing the forest for the tress: At the end of the day, the main thing is that its up to every man to cartefully choose which woman he is going to give exclusivity to and why, if at all.

 

[jhonny9546]

Shall we trust a women that tell us "I trust you. You won't cheat", when you go out with your friends for a night at disco?
Shall we trust a women that ask us "Are you still loving me? I love you so much", when we are more cynical/emotionally grey?
Shall we trust a women that go in chaos and undermine our inner peace really often?
Shall we trust a women that is attached to us, even if we show no to little love to her, or we don't act as what she want from a man in life?

There is a fracture and contradiction from online content and what's happening IRL.
The content is really helpful, but could it be tailored for a certain type of women?
Women can truly says those words to a man and the man can truly trust those words.
Those words, don't have second meaning.
It depends on the women that is saying em.


Plus, I've just found this post fascinating!

Breakups: Why People Leave Your Life Once They’ve Taught You All You Need to Know

I held my breath, letting things happen and life pass me by.

www.letsmend.com

"All the people we have met and all the people we have yet to meet, are meant to exist so we can find them. So we both could exchange a set of directions, which will guide us to the next place we are meant to go. And as we go, we must always believe that maybe this could be our last stop. That maybe the next person we meet will not have a set of directions, that maybe they will have more, and that maybe they will offer us something beautiful enough to inspire us to stay."

 

[Divorced w 3]

The discussion 24/7 would drive me nuts but otherwise doesn’t sound unreasonable that someone who you knew outright that was family driven and relationship driven wants a family and is feeling insecure about it 3 years down the line - I think from whatever you’re portraying here she honestly sounds fantastic as a partner and if you need to be single now and cannot commit I think you should tell her that clearly, I get dragging her along vibes and just as a person I think that’s unfair to her. You sound like you have the insecurity of a guy who wanted a low count girl all for himself without giving her what you implied or maybe even said directly which was a long term life. Chew on it, maybe what I am saying is totally off the mark.

 

[BeExcellent]

I'm with @Divorced w 3 on this one. OP has a family oriented girl who has been with him since age 24. She sounds pretty great as women go, but OP is actually still having oneitis for his ex, who cheated on him & had major flaws (but he was in love with her crazy shady ass nevertheless.)

That's the real issue. The current gf has invested 3 years of her life, helped buy a home etc., obviously the expectation is to end up married and raising kids in this jointly owned house.

And so OP needs to make a choice.

1. Grow up/mature and accept this current girl for the qualities she has and move forward toward a more serious relationship.

2. Cut her loose immediately so she can heal and be open to a man who will love HER and appreciate the value she brings to the table.

Keeping her in limbo and wasting her time is pretty cruel on OP's part, never mind the fact that he still has oneitis for his shady ex.

Guys. You gotta understand a couple of things. First, actual instant sexual chemistry between two people is very rare, and very addictive. And it often comes with crazy toxic emotional roller coaster which is even MORE addictive than the sexual chemistry (and much worse as far as getting over it.)

Many men here have married or had kids with that kind of crazy/shady and have the scars to show it.

Your best profile for the kind of sexual chemistry that suits a marriage or LTR is smoldering. It's a slow burn, it simmers but doesn't boil over. That's a chemistry that can grow deeper & richer through time. It allows trust and vulnerability to develop.

It requires a greater level of maturity and self development to recognize too.

OP you need to get serious or let her go. The current situation is mighty unfair to her and you are burning through her best years to attract a life partner who loves her, rather than seeing her as a distant 2nd place.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I'm with @Divorced w 3 on this one. OP has a family oriented girl who has been with him since age 24. She sounds pretty great as women go, but OP is actually still having oneitis for his ex, who cheated on him & had major flaws (but he was in love with her crazy shady ass nevertheless.)

That's the real issue. The current gf has invested 3 years of her life, helped buy a home etc., obviously the expectation is to end up married and raising kids in this jointly owned house.

And so OP needs to make a choice.

1. Grow up/mature and accept this current girl for the qualities she has and move forward toward a more serious relationship.

2. Cut her loose immediately so she can heal and be open to a man who will love HER and appreciate the value she brings to the table.

Keeping her in limbo and wasting her time is pretty cruel on OP's part, never mind the fact that he still has oneitis for his shady ex.

Guys. You gotta understand a couple of things. First, actual instant sexual chemistry between two people is very rare, and very addictive. And it often comes with crazy toxic emotional roller coaster which is even MORE addictive than the sexual chemistry (and much worse as far as getting over it.)

Many men here have married or had kids with that kind of crazy/shady and have the scars to show it.

Your best profile for the kind of sexual chemistry that suits a marriage or LTR is smoldering. It's a slow burn, it simmers but doesn't boil over. That's a chemistry that can grow deeper & richer through time. It allows trust and vulnerability to develop.

It requires a greater level of maturity and self development to recognize too.

OP you need to get serious or let her go. The current situation is mighty unfair to her and you are burning through her best years to attract a life partner who loves her, rather than seeing her as a distant 2nd place.

The case for not buying a house together and doing marriage-type things UNLESS one has actually tied the knot grows stronger by the minute