The perfect relationship gone bad.

[kenpiffyjr]

I see what you're getting at and in some ways your POV makes sense. I don't really think monogamy 100% of the time works. So why not just plate her and bang other girls.

That'd be an easy fix but I don't think it applies here, first of all. OP got married young to his first love, if you will. He didn't have the reps.

But even if he did, anyone can and does catch Oneitis and/or feel hurt. And so what? You say it like it's a character flaw. What it really is is an opportunity to learn and grow. If he had "Oneitis" (which is a bit slight considering it was a 15 year marriage) the OP handled it about as well as he could. Dude stuck to his principles in spite of it.

So I'd say yes you're right, but it's not a bad thing, it's about how a guy handles it. In fact if there's one idea I'd like to change on SS it's that Oneitis is something to confront and deal with, not suppress.

Yea make no mistake… I’m not dissing Duke. Relationship wise, I too have been in his situation. All I’m suggesting is that now with experience, my ego no longer justifies it by saying “She did me wrong - Cancel that b***ch!” There’s a level even above that and it’s being indifferent enough to downgrade her to a plate and just shift your focus to other women.

Oneitis to me is a flaw in attraction bc I define it as your indifference can’t pivot her to a full-time plate. To me there’s no safe percentage that can properly balance Oneitis and Indifference.

I’m not saying it’s a flaw in the overall experience…as truthfully to gain those feelings could be argued as the goal of the overall thing. But to me it is accepting it’s a flaw [because it’s the disease that is at the root imo of most breakups] but like you said, how you handle it is what matters.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Good sharing.

 

[Desdinova]

But to me that’s the first slip.
I think the main question that puts this on the hot seat is:

If you are in a LTR exclusive relationship, do you have Oneitis?

It's not a matter of having one-itis, it's a matter of knowing you can overcome one-itis. If you've dated and fvcked enough women, you know you have the ability to move on with your life if things don't work out. As I've said before, one-itis is a curable disease for men but a terminal disease for women.

This game is about maintaining attraction.

That's why you need to make sure that your woman's one-itis is YOU. Maintaining attraction is extremely easy when that is the case.

My question is why did he have to end sex and walk away? Why not just downgrade her to a plate along with the other wh0res?

You actually expect him to downgrade her to plate status after 15 years? You can't do that, at least not immediately. If he gave her the boot and met up with her a couple of years later, he could make her a plate again or even fix the relationship after she's had time to miss him. But is that the path @The Duke wanted to go? Did he feel that it was the right choice? I know I wouldn't be putting my d1ck back in her.

That’s coo but to me you would still be a guy thats acknowledging you have oneitis. Within that, you’re more vulnerable in reality than the frame your ego is trying to make so. Then if you’re mutually exclusive…she could be on SoSlick telling women how you forfeited your rights banging other broads and riding on her exclusive relationship cruise ship.

And....??? What's the problem with that?? If she's not messaging other dudes, she can brag all she wants.

So you’re saying the same guy she cheats on is the same guy who she can wake up one day and realize was “the man” to never cheat on?

Yes, but the cheating aspect won't present itself at the forefront. She will make up whatever excuses for cheating. Also, women may not even be conscious that they are never going to find another man like him or better than him. He just occupies the space in her brain as the ideal man.

The reason you’re walking away is because you have so much hurt that that you can’t continue to see her as a plate and have to fess up that you have Oneitis.

As I've said earlier... One-itis itself isn't the problem. Getting over the one-itis once you are finished with her is the goal.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I've shared pieces of my relationship with my exwife from time to time and it always generates more questions, so in order to help others here it is.

I met my ex-wife in high school. She was the first girl I had sex with. I was more into my hobbies and work than I was girls although I had gone out with a few. I was very indifferent. After months of me flaking on plans and being late for our dates she slowly won me over.

We ended up graduating high school and both went to separate colleges in different states. This was before cell phones and the internet was barely getting started so communication consisted of expensive land line phone bills and lots of letters. We usually saw each other once a month during college. We both worked hard at having a successful long distance relationship. If an issue came up, we talked about it, and it was quickly resolved. There was no anxiety, and we had total faith in our connection. We had a lot of fun those 5yrs or so.

She ended up graduating 1.5yrs earlier from college than I did. We both knew we wanted to be married at some point but it wasn't a priority. I told her if she wanted to be with me that she needed to move to XYZ City because that's where I was headed after I graduated. XYZ City also happened to be closer to my dad and that was critical for me so we could pursue our hobbies together.

She got an apartment and I finished up my college. For the first time in 8yrs or so we finally lived together. We both launched solid careers in corporate America, drove nice cars, had plenty of money, and enjoyed our life together. Soon bought a house together in the suburbs. We had zero issues, no drama, no fighting, rarely argued. We were the couple that everyone wanted to be.

We settled into a comfortable relationship. We both were guilty of not working on it together like we used to. She got really focused on her career and moved up the ladder. I had a good job but I was driven by my hobby, not the job. My hobby required lots of hours of preparation during the week, and I was gone at events 20-25 weekends out of the year. She was always super supportive and enjoyed it. Its takes a very understanding woman to be down with my hobby.

As she moved up the ladder, she became more stressed about her job and complained about it a lot. I was never very supportive of it and I got tired of hearing about her work so I would tune out and go do my thing. She got more into her job, I got more into my hobby. We quit doing things together. We still had good sex, and cared about each other but didn't make time for each other.

Next thing you know some guy at her work starts giving her the attention that I wasn't. This guy was a vendor her company contracted with. The guy had a schitt job, didn't make a lot, and definitely didn't have very high SMV. But he provided the attention I wasn't.

Did she like attention? She sure did, but it was never a problem. She always got that need met thru me, until I stopped providing it. She was a solid HB8, perfect long legs, nice c-cups, long hair, good azz, cute face, taller than I was at 5'11. When she walked in the door, everyone looked. She had the girl next door personality. Zero drama, very secure, super rational, submissive when she needed to be, strong when she had to be, never needy. She is the only woman I have ever met that you could sit down and easily talk out a problem with out drama and tears. Her mother raised her right, and she had a strong masculine father that she was very close to.

Eventually she went down that slippery slope and started cheating on me. After putting the cheating story together I divorced her. It was a fairly civil divorce and didn't require lawyers. We both took a very professional approach to it.

To this day we are still friends. She dated 2 guys after our marriage and ended up married to one of them. I always knew that would never work and it didn't last very long. The dude was a beta male. All he had going for him was he was funny and good looking. On their wedding night she wanted to call off the marriage but didn't. He even told her that she needed to go back to her ex-husband(me).

After her 2nd divorce she was in counseling for a long time. She was depressed and got fat. After the urging of her therapist, I got a call one day asking me if I would ever get back with her. I told her no way.

A few years after that she tells me that she will never find a guy that will match me. She told me it was the biggest mistake she ever made and she knows she won't have the capacity to love someone else like she did me. It was the nicest thing I've ever heard but also the saddest. We still talk from time to time, and I still hear these things. If you haven't ever read @Desdinova 's high score thread, you need to.

The relationship lasted nearly 15yrs. It was perfect for 13-14 of those. There were no signs based on her values or behaviors that might have indicated she would cheat. All women like attention, she didn't seek out attention from other men, until I stopped providing it. I guess that would be the only slight concern.

There are no guarantees. You can analyze it all you want....You can develop all of these theories....You can put two people together that have great communication skills and all of the ingredients to be successful and it still not stand the ultimate test of time.

The only thing I know for sure, is its much better to have tried and failed, than to do nothing and wonder. Don't let your fears keep you from living the gift of life. I've enjoyed and appreciated every damn woman I've been with and there has been a lot. Even the crazy ones.

That divorce was the hardest thing I've ever been thru, but it was also the best thing that ever happened to me. It was the catalyst that led me to learn more about myself and women. I'm a better man than I was then, in every single category.

@CBear, @Dr.Suave

Very thoughtful post. A couple of things that resonate with me:

1. I firmly believe that any person, man or woman, is capable of cheating under the right circumstances (although some people are more prone to it than others). I can understand why muslims keep their women under wraps and forbid them from leaving the house without a male family member. An extreme measure, perhaps, but the only surefire way of preventing adultery. Since we don't live in Afghanistan, the best you can do is screen out women whose lifestyle and career choices put them at a higher risk of cheating - i.e. girls with male friends, "girls night out" enthusiasts, girls who do drugs/drink a lot, girls with jobs that require frequent travelling, girls who work in professions where it's common to fvck one's coworkers (nurses, flight attendants, waitresses and bartenders, etc.). But even then, as your example demonstrates, there are no guarantees.

2. I agree that adultery is unforgivable. Even if it is understandable from the standpoint of human psyche (a mistake, a moment of weakness), it's still a fundamental breach of trust. If it happens, there can be no going back.

3. With one exception, every relationship has an expiry date. The exception is when the couple has kids AND both parties are very family oriented. In that case, the children become a nexus of sorts. Everything revolves around the kids. The attention that you give to the kids is, by extension, the attention you give to each other. This replaces the honeymoon period dynamic (which is fleeting and cannot last forever). It wasn't clear from our post but it does not seek like the two of you have kids together.

4. Women nagging about their work can be a very real problem in relationships. I experienced this firsthand with one of my exes. She would call me and literally talk for an hour or more about her work. I would try to end the call or change the subject but she wouldn't budge. I would end up putting the phone down, turning the volume down and doing my own stuff while she kept talking about her director, coworkers, deadlines, upcoming corporate Christmas party, etc. It got so bad that I wouldn't pick up her calls and come up with excuses as to why I wasn't available. I was absolutely dreading listing to that sh!t. I understand that it was a form of therapy for her. But I almost felt like I was being mentally abused.

 

[Mertz09]

"she didn't seek out attention from other men, until I stopped providing it. I guess that would be the only slight concern".

Thanks for sharing. I am guilty of this very thing and in the end was the same result. We all should try to remember, relationships between Men & Women are like a garden. You must water the garden, you must feed the garden, you must tend to the Garden.... or you risk losing it.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

We all should try to remember, relationships between Men & Women are like a garden. You must water the garden, you must feed the garden, you must tend to the Garden.... or you risk losing it.

 

[Hal9000]

Thanks for sharing op. Had a similar experience with my marriage only in my case I wasn't strong (and definitely wasn't on this board yet) and allowed her to come back after all the tears and assurances she was sorry. Things went well for a few years and then she did it again, with the same guy no less, and then I was finally done with her. Those wasted years were a tough lesson to learn but if they'll do it once they'll definitely do it again. She tried all the same tactics to get me to take her back after the second episode but I was done with her for good at that point. It's difficult to walk away, even after something like that, but in the long run you're going to be much better off.

 

[soulforge]

Was there any red flags when you initially began dating her, that indicated she is likely the type to cheat?