Marriage relationship incident

[Alpheta]

So i've been married for over 4 years and have known my wife for close to 9 years now.

In general she's good, cooks cleans and generally listens to pretty much everything I say.

Having said that, when we argue, it can get quite bad. In the past, it was more down to my own temper that escalated things. The issue is though that she is also ill tempered so when she gets mad she can get quote bad too.

We've had family get involved to fix things and thankfully, due to my parents wisdom and advice, we have been able to get by. I admit that until recently, I have been immature in the way i deal with her when things get heated.

Now, in the last 2 years weve had 2 kids. Its made me realise that with this responsibility , as a man, I need to change things if I want to see my family thrive in a healthy environment.

Anyways, recently ive noticed my wife has been slacking with a few household duties. So today I pointed it out to her and wasn't the least rude but telling her that she is starting to get lazy and needs to fix up. The reaction I received was surprising. She gets mad and decides to leave the house with the kids. I ignore the weird reaction and proceed to go to work whilst ignoring her constant barrage of phone calls. An hour or so later she turns up at my office (thankfully no one was there) and wants the car keys(we share a car) as she needs to go out. My old self would resist as I know she's doing it to get to me, but I give her the keys and tell her to be mature. She then proceeds to demand money (i give her an allowance every month) and although ive given her allowance for the month, I giver her some money as I can see that this situation will get out of hand. She storms off. She proceeds to send disrespectful messages about how I am ungrateful and disgusting etc. etc. and im just confused as to what I really said for her to go off so badly.

I do want to add that she is pregnant.

I havent reacted and have been very calm. I note that for my children I must be the one willing to keep the peace however, the disrespect is quite evident.

How do i proceed in this matter.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Step 1: Vasectomy
Next step: Move out and divorce
Step 3: Never marry again unless there are extraordinary circunstances.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Never pick a fight with a pregnant woman.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Step 1: Vasectomy
Next step: Move out and divorce
Step 3: Never marry again unless there are extraordinary circunstances.

You too? Advising a father to abandon his family? WTF is wrong with people who just advise fathers to leave relationships WITH KIDS just because it gets hard?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This is not any sort of healthy relationship and I don't understand why you want to be involved with toxicity constantly.

The problem stems from your base relationship views being unhealthy and fostering toxicity.

How can you build a good relationship when the foundation is flawed? It doesn't add up and it isn't going to work.

You are going to need to build a new foundation, but I don't know if it's possible.

 

[Dr.Suave]

You too? Advising a father to abandon his family? WTF is wrong with people who just advise fathers to leave relationships WITH KIDS just because it gets hard?

No, its not about "abandoning" his family. He has to do it for his family.

 

[Alpheta]

This is not any sort of healthy relationship and I don't understand why you want to be involved with toxicity constantly.

I believe I was the reason for the toxicity in the relationship from the very beginning. Its been a cycle however now i am coming to that realization and trying to reverse it. However, my spouse isnt on board as clearly when we have been in a dispute recently, its been myself who has been mature about it despite us always talking about being mature and better couples for our children.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I believe I was the reason for the toxicity in the relationship from the very beginning. Its been a cycle however now i am coming to that realization and trying to reverse it. However, my spouse isnt on board as clearly when we have been in a dispute recently, its been myself who has been mature about it despite us always talking about being mature and better couples for our children.

Are you more focused on solving the problem and finding a solution or on "winning"?

To me it sounds like winning.

 

[Alpheta]

Are you more focused on solving the problem and finding a solution or on "winning"?

To me it sounds like winning.

Its funy you mention that as the 'winning' was a thing until recently. I have genuinely changed that view to solving and looking for a solution. Its my wife that I think is still holding on to the 'winning' mindset.

Had it been 'winning' i would not have given her the car keys nor wouldi have given her money. I genuinely saw things were escalating so i did the thing I knew would cool things down, at least for the short-term.

 

[Glassguy]

I believe I was the reason for the toxicity in the relationship from the very beginning. Its been a cycle however now i am coming to that realization and trying to reverse it. However, my spouse isnt on board as clearly when we have been in a dispute recently, its been myself who has been mature about it despite us always talking about being mature and better couples for our children.

Then you need to learn how to communicate like an adult.

There can be disagreements but rarely should anything escalate past just that, IF you know how to communicate and talk to a woman like an adult.

You should be the leader, as the leader you should be able to guide her into conversation, not arguements.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Its funy you mention that as the 'winning' was a thing until recently. I have genuinely changed that view to solving and looking for a solution. Its my wife that I think is still holding on to the 'winning' mindset.

Had it been 'winning' i would not have given her the car keys nor wouldi have given her money. I genuinely saw things were escalating so i did the thing I knew would cool things down, at least for the short-term.

It sounds like she might just be tired of fighting over things. I'm not a person that gets into arguments or fights very much in relationships. Yeah there have been a few but maybe once every 8-9 months? And compared to what I've seen from others, they are mostly minor in nature even then.

I tend to communicate and talk about things well before they get to that point. I'd rather make sure we are on the same page about something and if not talk thru it to figure out a solution. That's just me tho. I am proactive in that regards.

Honestly most people need to simply choose their battles better is what it comes down to. There are going to be things that aren't always going to go your way or things that you have to compromise on. That's just the way it is. Some of the stuff I hear people getting in screaming matches over is so ridiculous I am amazed they are even together.

Having to get in arguments as much as you seem to suggest you get in, likely means they are pretty minor in nature and must be exhausting. She likely is mentally done with it.

At the end of the day, most people just want peace in their life.

 

[Alpheta]

It sounds like she might just be tired of fighting over things. I'm not a person that gets into arguments or fights very much in relationships. Yeah there have been a few but maybe once every 8-9 months?

I tend to communicate and talk about things well before they get to that point. I'd rather make sure we are on the same page about something and if not talk thru it to figure out a solution. That's just me tho. I am proactive in that regards.

Honestly people need to simply choose their battles better is what it comes down to. There are going to be things that aren't always going to go your way or things that you have to compromise on. That's just the way it is. Having to get in arguments as much as you seem to suggest you get in, likely means they are pretty minor in nature and must be exhausting. She likely is mentally done with it.

At the end of the day, most people just want peace in their life.

To be fair this year it has been the least problems. The last real issue we had was in July. After that there were a few but I managed to descalate them.

Today I did not intend to argue or fight. It was a genuine concern however she became very defensive and then just got mad. After that I genuinely just stepped back. I dont think there was any reasonn for her to turn up at my office, leave the kids in the car and basically blackmail me. I didnt argue. Just let it go. right now, im still in the office. I will go to the gym and then home where i expect her to be normal or possible a pulled face.

 

[Learning Curve]

Then you need to learn how to communicate like an adult.

There can be disagreements but rarely should anything escalate past just that, IF you know how to communicate and talk to a woman like an adult.

You should be the leader, as the leader you should be able to guide her into conversation, not arguements.

Here is your advice.

Ignore anything else.

Also when a woman gets lazy you learn to say that indirectly not directly “get your **** together”.

Learn to communicate like an adult. You communicate like a virgin kid.

Women want a man that can communicate and discuss in such a way that shows indirectly to the woman to improve.

You only get direct if the disrespect starts.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

To be fair this year it has been the least problems. The last real issue we had was in July. After that there were a few but I managed to descalate them.

Today I did not intend to argue or fight. It was a genuine concern however she became very defensive and then just got mad. After that I genuinely just stepped back. I dont think there was any reasonn for her to turn up at my office, leave the kids in the car and basically blackmail me. I didnt argue. Just let it go. right now, im still in the office. I will go to the gym and then home where i expect her to be normal or possible a pulled face.

Here is the problem.

She is pregnant. Being pregnant ain't easy
Let's be real...if males had to be the ones dealing with it, the human race would have died out a while ago.

You didn't ask her if she was feeling OK or if everything is alright. You didn't ask if there was something you could help out with. You went straight to "why isn't this getting done?"

Basically you punched her in the face when you neede to show her some concern as someone you claim to love and massage around to find out what the issue was first and then decide how to address it.

Compassion is a thing you know. I know it might not be "alpha", but it gets you a lot farther most times. It isn't necessarily what you did, it's how you went about doing it.

You basically told her "I don't care why this is happening or if you are having issues, it better get done." and honestly you didn't treat her as someone who holds any real value to you. That's what she is upset about.

If you were her boss she would have quit on you today and honestly I can't blame her.

 

[Alpheta]

Come on bro, its easy to say that when you don't have his life, you don't have kids with her, you don't have a hpuse together, you don't share only a car, wtf, you don't know how his whole interaction has been with her.


First of all, you need to do some reflection on what happened. Answer a few questions for us to have more info.

- How old are you? Height? Weigh? Fat? Skinny? Fit?
- Was is like that since the beginning?
- Was she ever disrespectful since the beginning?
- Was she into you since the beginning and then everything changed?
- Was she a stay at home mom always? Or she worked after kids?
- How in shape is she? Fat? Age? How frequent is sex between you too? Was it always like that? When did the frequency changed?

Typically a woman reflects on a man his behavior, if you've been a drunken captain of the house, with no leadership, no direction and she needed to take the masculine role that's how they act towards their man, with contempt, disgust, its not a bug its a feature like Rian Stone says. You should listen to him on YouTube.

Pregnancy turn woman's emotions into overdrive. Also @Money & Muscle can give you pretty good advice.

- How old are you? Height? Weigh? Fat? Skinny? Fit?
Early 30's. Fit. Hit the gym 6 days a week.

- Was is like that since the beginning?

Been much better now. Beginning was awful.

- Was she ever disrespectful since the beginning?

she has been disrespectful yes but thats when the arguments have got out of hand.

- Was she into you since the beginning and then everything changed?

No shes always been in to me as she was a virgin.

- Was she a stay at home mom always? Or she worked after kids?

Shes been stay at home since we married. One of my conditions.


- How in shape is she? Fat? Age? How frequent is sex between you too? Was it always like that? When did the frequency changed?

Shes okay. Not fit nor unfit. Similar age.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

No, its not about "abandoning" his family. He has to do it for his family.

Right, he has to get a vasectomy and divorce from the woman who is expecting his third child, but it's all good because it's for his family?

 

[The Duke]

lol, women. The story is always the same. They all lack self-awareness and don't like to hold themselves accountable. But if you plan to keep one around, you have to figure out a way to make it work.

A lot of times her anger is a reaction to not what triggered it, but what is beneath the surface.

My guess is there might be some resentment. Her mom duties, the fact that she is pregnant, the fact that she has to come ask for money, she doesn't get a break from the kids, no girls night out, no date night, etc.

When she calms down, I'd revisit this situation and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Start off by saying, hey I am sorry for upsetting you, acknowledge her feelers, could you tell me how I can handle this differently in the future? Get her talking. Just listen.
Women solve most all of their problems by talking out loud(even though they really never solve anything like a man does). This is why its a waste of time to try and resolve/debate/argue with a woman. Admit your part. Figure out how you two can prevent this from happening next time.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Right, he has to get a vasectomy and divorce from the woman who is expecting his third child, but it's all good because it's for his family?

Imagine a pilot abandoning the plane and using a parachute Everytime there was a little turbulence and leaving the passengers and crew to "fend for themselves" instead of taking control and ownership of the situation and guiding it to where he wanted it to go.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Imagine a pilot abandoning the plane and using a parachute Everytime there was a little turbulence and leaving the passengers and crew to "fend for themselves" instead of taking control and ownership of the situation and guiding it to where he wanted it to go.

Exactly. Don't become a father if you cannot shoulder the responsibility.

 

[Dr.Suave]

No shes always been in to me as she was a virgin.

"All healthy women are virgins. That being said, not all virgins are healthy"

- @pipeman84

Maybe you got one of the bad apples, bro. I guess no one is perfect at vetting/screening

Been much better now. Beginning was awful.

Im curious why did you stay in that relationship and marry her if things were so awful