Former Chad - what next?

[Dr.Suave]

Oh, I screwed up big time marrying my wife, I admit that. In my defence, she hid her true nature very very well and suckered me in. Plus, at 40 I thought I was ready to settle down. Big mistake, big, big mistake. Still, you live and learn, etc.

What I must avoid though, is any further mistakes. No woman is 100% better than a bad woman, that much I do know.

Im stealing this for my collection.

 

[Westminster]

Im stealing this for my collection.

You're welcome brother

 

[pipeman84]

I moved on from partying though, prioritised my career and met my (now former) wife when I was 40. She was/is 6 years younger.

We had a whirlwind romance (I stupidly ignored the red flags) and the marriage was a disaster, even though it lasted nearly 15 years and produced two children.

Oh, I screwed up big time marrying my wife, I admit that. In my defence, she hid her true nature very very well and suckered me in.

These 2 don't quite add up.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Life is not over my dear. Not remotely. Be very honest with yourself about what you want now in all things. There is a collection of people here who are of similar age (I’m 3 years younger than you) who thoroughly understand.

Trust that in time your children are going to get curious about you. They will question their mother’s assertions in time and are likely to take interest in your side of things. I’ve a playboy friend in a similar boat. He’s also 54. His children have come round and he now has a fledgling relationship with his son. His daughter will come round too…matter of time.

So know that time is your friend in that sense.

There are women who you’ll vibe with. You’ve just got to keep living your life & remain open to an interaction anytime by placing yourself in target rich environments and being socially open. You’ll regain your social chops sooner rather than later.

Thirties childless women can be at their bitchiest most entitled and baby rabies stage in life. A little older may already have children & they are more likely off the clock. Things to consider.

I say this while enjoying an afternoon in the FL keys with a Chad type who is 8 years younger, childless & never married. We marry next month per his desire (mine too obviously). So keep yourself up and the rest falls into place in time.

Cheers & welcome

 

[Westminster]

These 2 don't quite add up.

Initially things seemed great but, in hindsight, it was effectively love bombing. So, she suckered me in and I was slow to pick up on the red flags when they started to emerge.

Things then turned really bad after our son was born.

 

[Westminster]

Advice from the old lady:

Life is not over my dear. Not remotely. Be very honest with yourself about what you want now in all things. There is a collection of people here who are of similar age (I’m 3 years younger than you) who thoroughly understand.

Trust that in time your children are going to get curious about you. They will question their mother’s assertions in time and are likely to take interest in your side of things. I’ve a playboy friend in a similar boat. He’s also 54. His children have come round and he now has a fledgling relationship with his son. His daughter will come round too…matter of time.

So know that time is your friend in that sense.

There are women who you’ll vibe with. You’ve just got to keep living your life & remain open to an interaction anytime by placing yourself in target rich environments and being socially open. You’ll regain your social chops sooner rather than later.

Thirties childless women can be at their bitchiest most entitled and baby rabies stage in life. A little older may already have children & they are more likely off the clock. Things to consider.

I say this while enjoying an afternoon in the FL keys with a Chad type who is 8 years younger, childless & never married. We marry next month per his desire (mine too obviously). So keep yourself up and the rest falls into place in time.

Cheers & welcome

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful post and for your encouraging words, Ma'am.

I hope you are right about the children but my ex has taken them to live in another part of the country and the youngest is only 12 so it will be some time before they can decide they want to see me. I live in hope.

Best wishes for your forthcoming marriage.

 

[pipeman84]

Initially things seemed great but, in hindsight, it was effectively love bombing. So, she suckered me in and I was slow to pick up on the red flags when they started to emerge.

Things then turned really bad after our son was born.

So why did you have another child with her?

 

[Westminster]

I shouldn't have.

 

[Redwood]

Damn man.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Things then turned really bad after our son was born.

Man i have been there. 6 months after marriage and 3 months after birth all hell broke loose.

I managed to turn the tables on my wife 2 years later which improved my life dramaticaly but i might still find myself in your position a couple of years down the road.

What do you expect from women entering your life at this point and what will you be hunting for?

I am looking forward to read how you move on, please keep us in the loop.

 

[Westminster]

Man i have been there. 6 months after marriage and 3 months after birth all hell broke loose.

I managed to turn the tables on my wife 2 years later which improved my life dramaticaly but i might still find myself in your position a couple of years down the road.

What do you expect from women entering your life at this point and what will you be hunting for?

I am looking forward to read how you move on, please keep us in the loop.

Thanks, Sparta. I hope things work out for you but all I can say is - be vigilant.

I'm not sure I'm actively hunting for a woman. Or not yet. But there are a couple of things I'd say about any future relationship:

First - and most importantly - I'd want somebody 'normal'. So, not bitter, twisted or with all sorts of 'issues'. I want somebody who can enhance my life, not bring me problems all day, every day. I've had enough of that to last me two lifetimes.

Second, I'd prefer somebody younger than me because, to be frank, I'm not normally attracted to women my age. So, ideally 30-40 years old. I think a woman with children would be difficult as well, especially young children. I think it would remind me of my own kids too much.

I know that sounds like I'm limiting my options (and I am) but I'm trying to be honest. On the other hand, I'm pretty open minded in terms of looks, background, occupation, hobbies, interests, personality, etc. (other than cluster B!),

So, I dunno. Maybe I'll just see how things pan out for a while.

 

[Slowhandluke]

Thanks, Sparta. I hope things work out for you but all I can say is - be vigilant.

I'm not sure I'm actively hunting for a woman. Or not yet. But there are a couple of things I'd say about any future relationship:

First - and most importantly - I'd want somebody 'normal'. So, not bitter, twisted or with all sorts of 'issues'. I want somebody who can enhance my life, not bring me problems all day, every day. I've had enough of that to last me two lifetimes.

Second, I'd prefer somebody younger than me because, to be frank, I'm not normally attracted to women my age. So, ideally 30-40 years old. I think a woman with children would be difficult as well, especially young children. I think it would remind me of my own kids too much.

I know that sounds like I'm limiting my options (and I am) but I'm trying to be honest. On the other hand, I'm pretty open minded in terms of looks, background, occupation, hobbies, interests, personality, etc. (other than cluster B!),

So, I dunno. Maybe I'll just see how things pan out for a while.

The only solace I can bring to this discussion is that whatever/however "you have it", whatever dire straits we think we are in, women have it 100x harder. Imagine being a 40 or 50 year old woman wanting to find an LTR with a successful man. It's a lot worse for them.

Parts of society have done a good job of breaking up the female/male relationship. That being said, I bet you there are more older men/ younger women relationships now then ever before. While still in the minority, it's probably 2x as big as before. Obviously, most relationships are only a few years apart... but demographics do change.

 

[Ricky]

Sorry about the marriage going south. Ive had MAJOR issue with my wife which started shortly after the pandemic so i can relate.


as far as being a former chad… i know most of my chad like friends never had to develop the game like i did so i was able to beat them from time to time

you can definitely learn the game here. You have money and muscles… and I guarantee you have some game. We will all be glad to help… i got back into the game for my own sanity while my wife figures things out…

most of my serious was from 2001-2006. Been with her since 2006 and it was great until the fall of 2020z

its turning around a bit but i will never retire from the game again

 

[Westminster]

Sorry about the marriage going south. Ive had MAJOR issue with my wife which started shortly after the pandemic so i can relate.


as far as being a former chad… i know most of my chad like friends never had to develop the game like i did so i was able to beat them from time to time

you can definitely learn the game here. You have money and muscles… and I guarantee you have some game. We will all be glad to help… i got back into the game for my own sanity while my wife figures things out…

most of my serious was from 2001-2006. Been with her since 2006 and it was great until the fall of 2020z

its turning around a bit but i will never retire from the game again

This is a good point. My game's not as good as it could or should be.

Being a chad in my youth meant a lot of game wasn't really needed. Times have changed though, I'm older now and the big muscles have gone, although I'm in decent nick (but more slim Jim now). Still OK financially, although the divorce did some damage and the child maintenance money takes a chunk. But I'm still alright for money.

But, all in all, you're right, I need to work on my game a bit now. That's OK though, I think I'll enjoy playing with that.

ps. I hope things work out with your wife but, yes, it makes sense to keep your own game up. Because, well, you never know when you're going to really need it.

 

[Slowhandluke]

This is a good point. My game's not as good as it could or should be.

Being a chad in my youth meant a lot of game wasn't really needed. Times have changed though, I'm older now and the big muscles have gone, although I'm in decent nick (but more slim Jim now). Still OK financially, although the divorce did some damage and the child maintenance money takes a chunk. But I'm still alright for money.

But, all in all, you're right, I need to work on my game a bit now. That's OK though, I think I'll enjoy playing with that.

ps. I hope things work out with your wife but, yes, it makes sense to keep your own game up. Because, well, you never know when you're going to really need it.

People are different. Personally, for me I am an INTJ. I notice women find me more attractive when I'm not even trying -- when I'm just doing my own thing; having my own goals and striving for it. I'm not sure what your personality type is. It might be different for you. I don't have a gift for gab, but I can be sociable when I want to be perhaps you have the gift for gab and that's your "thing". In any case, good luck

 

[Murk]

I hope you don't lecture at UoW

 

[Westminster]

I don't.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful post and for your encouraging words, Ma'am.

I hope you are right about the children but my ex has taken them to live in another part of the country and the youngest is only 12 so it will be some time before they can decide they want to see me. I live in hope.

Best wishes for your forthcoming marriage.

How is it that you allowed her to relocate with the kids? Why do you not have custody? Did you not fight for it?

 

[Westminster]

How is it that you allowed her to relocate with the kids? Why do you not have custody? Did you not fight for it?

I did try to fight it but my former wife is extremely malicious and manipulative, and made extreme allegations of violence and abuse against me, which she submitted to the family court.

If I pressed on that would have resulted in a finding of fact hearing (effectively me being put on trial for serious offences) which would have resulted in me losing my job had the result gone against me. I may have won but civil cases are, as you probably know, decided on the balance of probability - 51% (rather than beyond reasonable doubt) and there is no jury.

I also didn't trust the judge as he seemed to favour my former wife in the preliminary hearings. My ex-wife is also a very convincing actress and liar so the risk was high. The worst case scenario would be: reputation ruined, no job, no contact with children, and no prospect of rebuilding my life going forward. Which was/is her goal.

I am also sure that my ex-wife would make more allegations against me if won and was able to see the children. She is a very dangerous woman who will stop at nothing to hurt damage me. So, ultimately I was in a no win situation.

It's a sorry tale, I know, but that's the harsh reality of the situation.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

I did try to fight it but my former wife is extremely malicious and manipulative, and made extreme allegations of violence and abuse against me, which she submitted to the family court.

If I pressed on that would have resulted in a finding of fact hearing (effectively me being put on trial for serious offences) which would have resulted in me losing my job had the result gone against me. I may have won but civil cases are, as you probably know, decided on the balance of probability - 51% (rather than beyond reasonable doubt) and there is no jury.

I also didn't trust the judge as he seemed to favour my former wife in the preliminary hearings. My ex-wife is also a very convincing actress and liar so the risk was high. The worst case scenario would be: reputation ruined, no job, no contact with children, and no prospect of rebuilding my life going forward. Which was/is her goal.

I am also sure that my ex-wife would make more allegations against me if won and was able to see the children. She is a very dangerous woman who will stop at nothing to hurt damage me. So, ultimately I was in a no win situation.

It's a sorry tale, I know, but that's the harsh reality of the situation.

Family Court can be brutal and horribly unfair for men.

My ex-wife was awarded five years durational alimony. As expected, she sued me again for an alimony modification before the end of the five years (the law allows that). The reasons stated in her lawsuit were groundless. However, I had to lawyer up again. My lawyer filed a motion for summary judgment with many items demonstrating the reasons for her lawsuit were not valid. In addition, it contained evidence proving that she was in a supportive relationship with her boyfriend, which nullifies justification for continued alimony. There was overwhelming evidence that the case should be dismissed, however, the judge disregarded all this information and she sent us to mediation.

At that point, I realized the outcome had absolutely nothing to do with justice or fairness. If a resolution was not reached during mediation, I would have to go to trial again with the same judge who had just refused to dismiss in spite of overwhelming evidence. I had to assume that the judge would grant my ex something since she had refused to dismiss, I would also be incurring additional legal fees over and above how much it cost for my lawyer to submit the motion for summary judgment. So the strategy had to switch to minimizing my losses.

I offered a lump sum payment that I calculated would be less than additional legal fees and whatever the judge might grant to my ex. She accepted.

A real life example of the “justice“ that is available to men in the family law system.

-Augustus-