Me
- Early thirties, living overseas."
How I got here
Firstly I want to say what a breath of fresh air this community is. Rollo Tomassi's interview on the Power Project podcast was recommended on my YouTube feed (thanks algorithm). I listened, bought The Rational Male, listened and now I'm here.
I lurched through my twenties, tormented by the refusal of my sex drive to align with the diktats of third wave feminism, postmodernism and cultural Marxism. I really wanted - and tried - to embrace and embody what was expected of me as a good modern man with 'integrity'. And I was thoroughly miserable. Through various experiences watching the culture, leaving a traditional corporate job and experiencing one or two toxic flings and relationships, I am now well on the path of ceasing to apologise for being a man. But I still have work to do to integrate what I fundamentally believe as true with how I see myself, how I speak to myself and how I act and carry myself out in the world. And I think this is a great place to work on this project with conviction.
How I am with women
I lost my virginity when I was 16. At college, I went through some long droughts but had sex a handful of times. During my college years, I was generally confused and unfocused when it came to women. (Oh to have discovered this literature and community at that time. For those of you in your early 20's, well done. Breath it in, it will save you untold hardship.)
As alluded to above, I was much more driven academically and professionally in my early 20's than to try and compete when it came to women. I wanted to save the world. I had a distinct martyrdom complex. As a result, my sexual encounters and relationships were mainly with whatever woman was available at the time I happened to be aroused (invariably being relatively undesirable or unattractive women, let's say). This resulted in many situations where beautiful young women, either showing indications of interest or outright coming onto me, were met with me bumbling, stuttering and running away. Needless to say, these missed opportunities are seared into my memory for life.
Out in the wilderness in my mid-twenties, my expectation was that I needed to find the One with whom I would once and for all cure the scourge of my unpredictable, runaway sex drive and finally become a well-functioning member of society. I had two relationships that I would class as more serious or longer (<1 year) and then several others that were either fck buddies, girls I was dating for a few months or just a 1-2 date thing. The majority of ONS I had in my mid-twenties were forgettable and with women who I wouldn't do it again with.
Things improved a little when I hit the road in my late-twenties and I started to think more seriously about who I was and what I wanted from life. The women I pursued actually turned me on. But my outlook and philosophies were still misaligned with my behaviour and who I was fundamentally. I had one downright bad relationship with a woman to whom I was very attracted but who was toxic, neurotic, co-dependent, flaky. I learned some stuff about myself through that one.
And now into the present. I've been living in the same place overseas for one year now and I have had sex with at least 11 women during that time. Of those 11:
- 5 were from apps
- 6 were from 'in real life'
- 5 were ONS / first date lay with no subsequent meet (all 5 of those followed up with me and tried to initiate another meet but I was not interested).
- 1 was my girlfriend for 6 months; our relationship ended with me sleeping with another woman, telling her and us both agreeing to end it. I didn't want to stay in the relationship. Despite how it sounds, it actually ended on good terms / 'well'.
- 5 were not attractive, to varying degrees. (I mean, some of them were bad.)
- I was really attracted to and really enjoyed having sex with 4 of them.
- The only one who is really still on the scene and texting me is probably over 40 years old. I met here at a dance class / social, asked for the phone number and closed on the second date. I generally enjoy the sex that we have.
- 1 was my language teacher who I was very turned on by. We had two classes, then had a date and I closed on the first date. We then had sex again two nights later, but I (politely) sent her home as it was a work night for me and I prioritise good sleep. She's followed up a couple of times since but actually flaked on me last week, so I had planned to just leave it. I'm guessing she may be salty that I did not arrange another language class because she wasn't a great teacher.
In critiquing my current game I would say:
- I am often (always?) in a mindset of scarcity as opposed to abundance that, I think, produces a thirsty energy towards women when potential opportunities present themselves
- Traditionally I may have tolerated unattractive or otherwise burdensome women for longer than would be optimal from an alpha viewpoint
- I think I have a (not-so-)subconscious fear or becoming a simp or catching feelings (and proceeding to undermine myself) with attractive women rather than being assertive and understanding and displaying my intrinsic value as an alpha. So I don't bother.
- I don't have a lot of money right now. So I tend to feel inferior when it comes to women. My career is in an exciting place at the moment though and I forecast that my income will increase significantly over the next one year onwards.
Depending on how deep we want to go here, I have in the past (and still currently do) reserved the intimate, sexual and romantic side of myself for not-the-most attractive women. Maybe this is because it feels safer to express myself in that way with women who themselves are visibly far from perfect. Otherwise, with attractive women, I have this 'lacking' energy. What is the latest thing I need to compensate for, apologise for, now?
Now that I have identified this, or now that it is conscious, it horrifies me. Obviously, I want to integrate that and actively desire and pursue attractive women. Not just feel frustrated, cheated or humiliated when I see them. My default behavior and conditioning is to only excitedly pursue less attractive, sometimes chubby women. But then I see where I'm at in my life now, the risks I've taken, my prospects, my physique, my intelligence, and I think "I'm a stone cold fcking G. What the fck am I doing?"
How I want to be with women
I want to drastically change my track record with attractive women. (I.e. "I just don't get with 'hot' women".) I have deduced that conditioned low self-esteem is the cause of my avoidance of taking shots with hot women. But I'm old enough now not to let such trivial dogsh1t stand in the way of me being the man I want to be. God knows I deserve attractive women as much as the next guy, and I'm willing to compete for that.
That leads us to the question of where to go from here.
I would list my priorities as follows (in no particular order):
- Spend more time outside my comfort zone when it comes to game and meeting women
- I live in a beach town with a fantastic ratio of attractive women around the place, so day game is a skill set that should be very effective.
- I need to continue learning the local language as I would estimate that 60% of women don't speak English here.
- Decisively (i.e. consistent study and practise) grow strong game skills
- First and foremost by continuing to focus on and cultivate my own skills, hobbies and passions that make me the man I want to be
- Through trial and error in the field
- Share and discuss my experiences here
- I will download Rollo Tomassi's new book (the Player's Handbook) and start there
I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm nervous to start racking up approaches, taking all the rejections on the chin and becoming a DJ. But the alternative of procrastinating through life is much more terrifying.
