I dumped her, now I want her again

[SoSuave666]

Not necessarily. It may not be about her at all, but about HIM. Something within him that won't allow him to commit.

I just posted this but my guess is it's about fear, fear of emotional intimacy, fear of commitment. Or any other number of things.

His angry reaction is a clear indication of that imo.

Fight or flight. Or in his case, both!

It's not uncommon and worth considering.

It’s not fear of anything. Classic woman manipulation. Commitment isn’t a snake or a spider or heights.

Believe it or not most men want relationships with high quality, attractive, available women. Murk here actually spells it out for us what is missing from those three things (although I find it hard to believe a single woman in her 30s is high quality). From the start he believes she is not attractive enough for him. He has had better and deep down if he admits it to himself, he knows he can attract better. Which is why he would not commit, but still was able to develop a natural emotional connection with this woman because they spent so much time together.

And now that that connection is threatened, he can’t stand the fact that someone he deemed lesser than him is trying to move on (rejecting him). His ego won’t let go. It is classic. The fact that his strongest feelings for this woman emerge when she is walking away is the clear indication.

 

[Murk]

This^ is what I originally thought, and still believe it may be true on some level, but after your update, I'm thinking something's still there between you, but you're fighting it for some reason.

Just a hunch but it sounds like fear, I'd bank money on it.

So what's scaring you? You speak of one day meeting that perfect 24 year old, 10/10. No flaws, no arguments, 100% compatible in every way.

First off, there IS no such person, it also suggests you are fantasy-driven versus reality-driven and again it's about FEAR.

I'd spend some time exploring that possibility before your ex goes and marries some simp she doesn't love because the man she DOES love is too fearful to step up to plate and make a commitment.

Time to stop running.

Fear of opening up, sharing my life, thinking about it now... I don't actually know because there's nothing to be scared of. I've hidden my whole life due to childhood abuse and other traumatising events (I did post about this years ago on here, it's the cause of my drug alcohol abuse, cheating and general vagabond dating style) and that meant as an attractive highly intelligent man I had to forego relationships and closeness with women (and men/friends) my whole life from childhood until my mother died in 2016 (I was 26) when I thought "fvck it, no more". I've had a mentally exhausting life, intelligence is a double-edged sword and my worries and fears consumed my life.

**** life = desire fantasy life

Seems plausible and could be why I'm being delusional and unrealistic. Thanks for helping me rationalise my fear after all these years.

What????? The one? Are you a 12 year old girl?

Look, the truth is something about this girl wouldn’t allow you to commit to her. Your gut was telling you no for whatever reason. And now that someone else has stuck their hand in “your” cookie jar you are mistaking jealousy and ego bruising for “love.” Something you had as “yours” for so long finally has started believing you when you said you wouldn’t commit to her and is going out on dates with other men. Soon she will have their c0cks in her mouth and getting pounded by them too. Stick around and find out.

Women seek commitment from men. Good high quality women Won’t stick around without A commitment for long, usually 6 months tops. She gave you more time than you probably deserved and you STILL wouldn’t commit. Sounds like she’s in her 30s which means she is now HUNTING for a man who can give her what she wants (babies, marriage, commitment). You should know priorities for women change and at this point in her life she can’t make the ultimate sacrifice and forgo children all because of you.

Let her go, she has started the process of moving on. Your ego won’t let it happen and all you will be doing by prolonging things is making it harder for each of you to find a better person in the future. Most men have been in your situation, your gut is not wrong. Whatever reason you had to not commit to her will resurface after a couple months of being back together. You’ll start feeling like you settled, and that is NOT the place you want to be. Be a man, pick up your brass fvcking balls, and stick with your decision. It was the right choice.

You're right, she put up with a lot for so long, part of me resents her for that because previous girlfriends had more self respect and a higher tolerance for my BS, which I feel I need in a woman. I've decided to move on and you're so right about everything.

You need to find someone who you are attracted to, have good chemistry with and who you believe to be a good person and someone who would make a good mother. Nobody can answer if this is the case with her but you.

If you are simply basing it on looks then I don't like your odds.

She ticks all the boxes hence my hesitation here. Being too scared to commit and losing someone you love and who would be a great mother and wife, because I'm looking for faults (like I always do) is the internal battle I'm facing. My longest relationship is 2 years, me and this girl (shes 33 btw but met her at 29) have known each other 4 years and have built up a great chemistry and she basically kept me sane and held me down while I built my business and worked 16 hour days, advised me, comforted and supported me while I was broke, even when I was fired from a previous job, I feel that's a real woman.

edit:

And now that that connection is threatened, he can’t stand the fact that someone he deemed lesser than him is trying to move on (rejecting him). His ego won’t let go. It is classic. The fact that his strongest feelings for this woman emerge when she is walking away is the clear indication.

Leaning to agree with you here, however, could it be the threat of loss has forced me to deep dive into my behaviours and psychological fear of commitment which has been there my whole life? I never let anyone in, I push them away, I always have.

 

[Murk]

Update:

She called again and said she couldn't remember much of our convo last night (she said she would drop the date and try to start again with me). That we should meet up to discuss everything and "compare notes". I told her fine lets meet up next week or something. She said why not the weekend? I said, because you're going on a date tomorrow and I want to leave you alone. she said we should meet up Saturday day time (day after her date) somewhere neutral not my house. I said ok and ended the call.

I've drafted this message: "I don't think we should meet on Saturday. Let's go no contact, I wish you the best good luck with your date tomrrow."

I'm thinking to remove out the date part at the end, shall I send? Should I not block her so she doesn't blow up my lines and work emails? I have office phones, emails, it's not actually possible to block her out she has to agree and not reach out herself. Please advise.

I do have drinks tomorrow with a girl I used to bang to help take my mind of everything.

 

[Ignorance is not bliss]

Yup exactly the dreaded off/on, push/pull dynamic.

It's addicting! Been there myself, it's not gender based, women experience too.

Like what @RangerMIke said, it's called being human and I'm sort of going through it now too in a strange sort of way.

Some people are just hard to shake, even though we know we should.

But we never forget them even if/when we move on to other people.

Just one of life's many ironies.

Agreed. Also dealing with it.
Keep wondering if there was something Genuine

Then thinking about the narcissism and bitching.
Figuring I'm right. Then questioning myself a few hours later.
I think I'm breaking the rules.
I'm on a public forum with her, so I see her talking to other people, mostly men.
Obvious flirting, the first few days.
She accosted me a couple of times and I ignored the bait.
Don't feel like a public argument.
I do like the forum though.
"hard to shake" yes, I shouldn't care, but I do.

 

[SoSuave666]

Leaning to agree with you here, however, could it be the threat of loss has forced me to deep dive into my behaviours and psychological fear of commitment which has been there my whole life? I never let anyone in, I push them away, I always have.

it’s not a”fear of commitment.” This is what females say as manipulation to either gain commitment from men or shame them for not giving it. It is natural to seek out 1.) attractive women 2.) high quality women 3.) available women. We have identified why you would not commit. You have said it yourself, read your OP. If there is any fear at all it’s not the act of commitment, it’s the fear of committing to the WRONG WOMAN.

She is the wrong woman for you. You identified this long ago but now that she is walking away your feelings of jealousy are being mistaken as “love.” You spent so much time together and you were her priority for so long that it’s natural for you to develop a strong emotional connection. And again, the connection is now being threatened because she is going on dates and meeting other men. Someone else is about to take your spot as priority.

however, with that said, if you do try and get back with her one of three things will absolutely happen. Book it. 1) she will reject you 2) she will “get back together with you” but still seek other men and keep you around for secks and companionship before monkey branching 3) you will get back together and resent yourself because eventually she will revert back to the not attractive enough version of herself and you will realize you settled for a 6.

Or, you could be mature and stick with the break up and move on with life (correct decision)

 

[Murk]

If there is any fear at all it’s not the act of commitment, it’s the fear of committing to the WRONG WOMAN.

Yeah totally, but that is still fear of commitment because how on earth will I know who is the right one if I keep pushing them away and don't take things to the next step (moving in etc) with them.

however, with that said, if you do try and get back with her one of three things will absolutely happen. Book it. 1) she will reject you 2) she will “get back together with you” but still seek other men and keep you around for secks and companionship before monkey branching 3) you will get back together and resent yourself because eventually she will revert back to the not attractive enough version of herself and you will realize you settled for a 6.

Or, you could be mature and stick with the break up and move on with life (correct decision)

Usually I would agree, but we've been on and off and I've broken up with her before and she's always available, I've stalked her phone she's really not tried to look elsewhere since we met (I'll reiterate how loyal and of good moral character she is).

She might be high quality, met always flirt with her, she was in an LTR with a doctor for 9 years (he obviously didn't commit either which in itself is a red flag for me).

So should I just send that text above and go no contact and tell her not to contact my work lines/emails etc too

 

[Murk]

It's good you're beginning to look within and explore all this. And as far as "female manipulation," I have nothing to gain, I'm simply sharing my insights, what I've learned over the years from reading reputable books, articles and through my own experience.

Fear of commitment/fear of intimacy are very real fears, has nothing to do with 'female manipulation.'

I'm not saying to dismiss other posters' opinions, consider ALL if it.

The answer is within you; introspect, learn, grow, evolve.

There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to human interactions, dating, relationships, life.

No I completely agree that fear of commitment is a real thing for men, but agree it's mainly due to fear of the wrong women (in my own experience).

I don't think I have time to work this all out and I should just cut her off and go no contact, she's still going on this date tomorrow so it's making my decision easier.

 

[SoSuave666]

what a load of nonsense. Follow me here men

It's good you're beginning to look within and explore all this. And as far as "female manipulation," I have nothing to gain, I'm simply sharing my insights, what I've learned over the years from reading reputable books, articles and through my own experience.

Fear of commitment/fear of intimacy are very real fears, has nothing to do with 'female manipulation.'

I'm not saying to dismiss other posters' opinions, consider ALL of it.

The answer is within you; introspect, learn, grow, evolve.

There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to human interactions, dating, relationships, life.

it’s not always about you, solipsistic woman. It’s about the betterment of the sisterhood. Watch I’ll prove it to you.

I don't disagree however it's important to consider that when one has such fears, there is no "right" woman, you will find something 'wrong' with every woman you date, because it's not about HER, it's about YOU and your internal struggles and fears.

All the best.

Boom, his fault not hers. All women have faults! You must be a scared little boy with lots of insecurities and fears if you can’t get past her faults!

give me a fvcking break. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here. Murk has literally spelled out exactly why he wouldn’t commit, and now is pining for her after she tries to move on.

 

[SoSuave666]

It's good you're beginning to look within and explore all this. And as far as "female manipulation," I have nothing to gain, I'm simply sharing my insights, what I've learned over the years from reading reputable books, articles and through my own experience.

I almost forgot. Here’s the grooming part where you reward him with positive reinforcement for agreeing with your concept of fear of commitment.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Fear of opening up, sharing my life, thinking about it now... I don't actually know because there's nothing to be scared of. I've hidden my whole life due to childhood abuse and other traumatising events (I did post about this years ago on here, it's the cause of my drug alcohol abuse, cheating and general vagabond dating style) and that meant as an attractive highly intelligent man I had to forego relationships and closeness with women (and men/friends) my whole life from childhood until my mother died in 2016 (I was 26) when I thought "fvck it, no more". I've had a mentally exhausting life, intelligence is a double-edged sword and my worries and fears consumed my life.

**** life = desire fantasy life

Seems plausible and could be why I'm being delusional and unrealistic. Thanks for helping me rationalise my fear after all these years.



You're right, she put up with a lot for so long, part of me resents her for that because previous girlfriends had more self respect and a higher tolerance for my BS, which I feel I need in a woman. I've decided to move on and you're so right about everything.




She ticks all the boxes hence my hesitation here. Being too scared to commit and losing someone you love and who would be a great mother and wife, because I'm looking for faults (like I always do) is the internal battle I'm facing. My longest relationship is 2 years, me and this girl (shes 33 btw but met her at 29) have known each other 4 years and have built up a great chemistry and she basically kept me sane and held me down while I built my business and worked 16 hour days, advised me, comforted and supported me while I was broke, even when I was fired from a previous job, I feel that's a real woman.

edit:


Leaning to agree with you here, however, could it be the threat of loss has forced me to deep dive into my behaviours and psychological fear of commitment which has been there my whole life? I never let anyone in, I push them away, I always have.

Everyone has faults. You need to determine if they are faults you are willing to accept or not.

 

[EyeBRollin]

But do you need to find "the one" to get married and have kids? That was always the plan, now I'm not bothered for the marriage, just wondering if holding out for the 24 year old thats a 10/10 and compatible with me, to settle down with is worth waiting for when I want kids soon and to start my own family (I literally have no family or siblings).

You don’t get a 10/10 bro. That is fantasy; not real life.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

No I completely agree that fear of commitment is a real thing for men, but agree it's mainly due to fear of the wrong women (in my own experience).

I don't think I have time to work this all out and I should just cut her off and go no contact, she's still going on this date tomorrow so it's making my decision easier.

OP, I've got news for you. The only way you'll ever really know if she is the wrong woman or right woman is once you've committed. So many woman do 180s a few years into the marriage.

So thinking you are going to know prior to being committed is a problem because you won't.

Not saying you should commit to this woman, just saying that you'll never truly know until you are committed and see if her actions change once that happens.

 

[Murk]

OP, I've got news for you. The only way you'll ever really know if she is the wrong woman or right woman is once you've committed. So many woman do 180s a few years into the marriage.

So thinking you are going to know prior to being committed is a problem because you won't.

Not saying you should commit to this woman, just saying that you'll never truly know until you are committed and see if her actions change once that happens.

Exactly, I could move her in with me and give it a real go, she's a 7 so it's really not like I'm settling for a haggard gremlin, her mother has aged well too, great family etc. There's a lot more merit to this than I let on initially.

 

[Gamisch]

Exactly, I could move her in with me and give it a real go, she's a 7 so it's really not like I'm settling for a haggard gremlin, her mother has aged well too, great family etc. There's a lot more merit to this than I let on initially.

Do you honoustly think you can pull a better woman then her ?

So this version but a 8 or a 9 on your preferred look scale?

 

[Murk]

Do you honoustly think you can pull a better woman then her ?

So this version but a 8 or a 9 on your preferred look scale?

Yes, I have before. I know I can get beautiful women and my smv only goes up. I just think the connection with this woman is strong enough to keep me around for life

I sent her the text I drafted earlier and she accused me of testing her, she admitted she is going on the date tomorrow after some probing, because she feels unsure of what I want, keeping her options open I guess? She feels she dersves to go oon a date as I'm not taking her out on dates. She will know after if she really needs to be with me, or if we wont work. I asked if that means if she likes this guy after the date, shes not interested in me, but she said no, but surely there's no other way to interpret that?

She wants to meet Saturday at 12pm, I feel like if I go after her going on a dinner date tomorrow I will feel like a simp/cuck

 

[EyeBRollin]

She feels she dersves to go oon a date as I'm not taking her out on dates. She will know after if she really needs to be with me, or if we wont work. I asked if that means if she likes this guy after the date, shes not interested in me, but she said no, but surely there's no other way to interpret that?

She wants to meet Saturday at 12pm, I feel like if I go after her going on a dinner date tomorrow I will feel like a simp/cuck

This is your problem; she’s telling you directly what you are doing wrong and you just are not listening. She is moving on because you at bare minimum will not even invest in a date. She feels like a cheap sloot. This isn’t rocket science dude.

 

[Murk]

This is your problem; she’s telling you directly what you are doing wrong and you just are not listening. She is moving on because you at bare minimum will not even invest in a date. She feels like a cheap sloot. This isn’t rocket science dude.

With covid lockdowns and me going to abroad for 4 months until this Jan this year - there was no possibility to take her on dates plus we technically weren't together. I have taken her to expensive restaurants many times and with me I pay for everything.

 

[Blacksheep]

I think she achieved what she wanted dating another guy while also dating you. She wanted you to be jealous... Or maybe show that other guys wants her so you feel bad about it.

Also, I dont think its a good idea to date ex gf... Even if its casual. The best decision should be to move forward and forget her.

You had a reason to broke up... About not wanting baby and you both are not aligned with this. So going back to a situation you are sure you dont want in your life it might not be a good idea.

I had some ex gfs that I thought I should try to go back until I took a time to think about and list all the reasons why I wanted to broke up. The more clarity you have on this, the easier will be to deal with those emotions.

Cause it can be only an emotional desire based on that jealous feeling. And emotions are temporary.

 

[EyeBRollin]

With covid lockdowns and me going to abroad for 4 months until this Jan this year - there was no possibility to take her on dates plus we technically weren't together. I have taken her to expensive restaurants many times and with me I pay for everything.

You are contradicting yourself. Were you taking her on dates or not?

This ship has sailed. Just move on. Blew it with this girl.

 

[Murk]

You are contradicting yourself. Were you taking her on dates or not?

This ship has sailed. Just move on. Blew it with this girl.

Recently no, I left the country in October 2020 which is 9 months ago. I've definitely not blown it, she wants this it's just been whether I wanted to pursue it.

@catsmeow So go meet up with her the day after she goes on a date? Shouldn't I be telling her not to go, she said she was going to cancel but now going anway.