Why do I not find my wife attractive?

[mrgoodstuff]

I have not divorced her as of yet. I have a responsibility to make it work the relationship work, however in my experience tolerance is often a fools errand. She senses where things are going and she is been having stress related inflammation. She’s doing everything she can to keep the relationship going, I just don’t find her sexually appealing.

"Stress related inflammation" - you understand.... That is real. Stress also slows down a certain mindsets metabolism. Causes them to hold water and like you said, stress causes inflammation ontop of it. So it makes them feel like crap.

After thinking about it, I think the root of the problem is the commitment came before sex. For me, the sex defiantly has to come before the commitment. I think arranged marriages can only work if both partners are virgins. It’s like a wolf after getting a taste of fresh meat, it doesn’t want dog food anymore.

Intimacy is important if it's important to you. If it's important to the way you live, you have to make it a priority when choosing a relationship partner.

‘Plain Janes’ are just that because they don’t elicit sexual attention. A plain Jane to me might not be for you. I call my wife a plain Jane because there is no sexual tension between us.

Plane janes might not elicit desire. However slvts are known to have offsetting personality types. They can be very disrespectful and very abrasive. Many hardened slvts will literally "get on your nerves" with their actions.

Another reason why I have not divorced with her yet is because I have some scarcity mindset; where am I going to find a woman who is a virgin, will cook and clean, and doesn’t argue with me. I think to myself, “if I could only start finding her sexually attractive, I’ve got it made.” When I go out somewhere and look at women, I see arrogance, jadedness, and ugliness. She’s better looking than most women (not always according to me though), she’s a virgin, and relatively humble. Sexually to me however, she’s repulsive, again because I think she represents a whole lot of responsibilities and no fun, commitment without sex.

You would find another "virgin" in a culture which values virginity. Here in modern day Babylon, good luck.,

In your current wife, you said her body is not too fat or anything, it's just for whatever reason she doesn't cause desire. Why not allow her to take on a "lover" to learn about sexuality. Sex and being desired will start to fill a part of her ego, which will make her look more sexually attractive to people. As long as that part is starved, she will will look more plain to most.

Also, I've known her for years, and I've developed platonic feelings for her. Having platonic emotions for a woman is very unhealthy for a man. Breaking off the relationship is not going to be easy to do for both of us.

It's unhealthy for a man, it's also unhealthy for a woman. It's unhealthy for her to bask in that lack of desire attention that you have for her, just like it's unhealthy for a man to be starved of reasonable affection.

 

[Zimbabwe]

I have not divorced her as of yet. I have a responsibility to make it work the relationship work, however in my experience tolerance is often a fools errand. She senses where things are going and she is been having stress related inflammation. She’s doing everything she can to keep the relationship going, I just don’t find her sexually appealing.

After thinking about it, I think the root of the problem is the commitment came before sex. For me, the sex defiantly has to come before the commitment. I think arranged marriages can only work if both partners are virgins. It’s like a wolf after getting a taste of fresh meat, it doesn’t want dog food anymore.

‘Plain Janes’ are just that because they don’t elicit sexual attention. A plain Jane to me might not be for you. I call my wife a plain Jane because there is no sexual tension between us.

Another reason why I have not divorced with her yet is because I have some scarcity mindset; where am I going to find a woman who is a virgin, will cook and clean, and doesn’t argue with me. I think to myself, “if I could only start finding her sexually attractive, I’ve got it made.” When I go out somewhere and look at women, I see arrogance, jadedness, and ugliness. She’s better looking than most women (not always according to me though), she’s a virgin, and relatively humble. Sexually to me however, she’s repulsive, again because I think she represents a whole lot of responsibilities and no fun, commitment without sex.

Also, I've known her for years, and I've developed platonic feelings for her. Having platonic emotions for a woman is very unhealthy for a man. Breaking off the relationship is not going to be easy to do for both of us.

You mentioned that she makes things awkward when you try to initiate sex? Is she a fridget by any chance?

From your words this woman seems more like a roommate instead of an actual wife.

Just drink some Rum, turn off the lights and have sex with your wife.

 

[Jack22]

Have you tried turning her off and on again? I heard that's a pretty common fix for broken dishwashers.

 

[Plinco]

You mentioned that she makes things awkward when you try to initiate sex? Is she a fridget by any chance?

No, I don't put out the right vibe for her.

From your words this woman seems more like a roommate instead of an actual wife.

Yes, she's an expensive maid basically.

Just drink some Rum, turn off the lights and have sex with your wife.

That's an idea

 

[SW15]

• She is socially awkward and has body image issues, the girls I was with before didn’t have that problem.
• The relationship makes demands from me that I view as aggressive toward me, such as getting emotionally involved, to slow down, giving into demands that are not a part of my goals. She is emotionally involved because she cares more about me, which I am not used to.
• She is boring when she talks to me. Probably because she sits at home all day, and has few friends.
• During attempted sex, she does not feel aroused enough by my actions. Probably because I don’t act in a way that I find her attractive.

Did these issues not appear until after marriage?

One would think most of these issues would have been apparent prior to marriage.

 

[DonJuanjr]

Yeah, one would think.... hence the question, why did he marry her?
It wasn't an arranged marriage from what he posted, so then WHY?

Scarcity mindset.

 

[DonJuanjr]

I don't follow. I mean I know what scarcity mindset is, but how would that apply here?

What am I missing?

I'm not a mind reader, but I'd guess that he figured, "she's a virgin, that's hot, and I'm not going to get another chance to get a low notch count girl that's at this looks caliber, so I might as well lock her down."

 

[Plinco]

One would think most of these issues would have been apparent prior to marriage.

It did not appear beforehand because it was a long distance relationship. Long distance relationships are usually another no no.

It's not simping that got me into this trouble, it was pure stupidity, believe me. Usually I'm not the one to believe in arbitrary moral standards, but I feel like I'm obligated to make it work out, probably due to my civilized temperament (probably due to my strong mommy figure growing up as a child). Another characteristic of my cognition is to see potential and possibilities everywhere, so I think that there's always the possibility that she could work out for me, if I can only change my thinking orientation or something. It's like nice guy syndrome had a baby with jerk syndrome, it would give this defect that I am witnessing.

Scarcity mindset.

That was a big part of it, yes

I'm not a mind reader, but I'd guess that he figured, "she's a virgin, that's hot, and I'm not going to get another chance to get a low notch count girl that's at this looks caliber, so I might as well lock her down."

Right on the money buddy!

 

[metalwater]

maybe you're a master.

you have the girl doing everything and anything for you and you even have us trying to help. haha.

--
seriously; still assuming this is authentic. you have been trying for some time as is she. I would guess that you are sort of doing the same things over and over. because you are you and she is who she is. she IS attracted to you because she stays and tries. perhaps she even sees you in better ways than you know of yourself.

there is more than one way to solve most things. so far no success with the red pill animal attraction methods. yet your sense of honor and responsibility is telling you to figure it out.

try to take a different approach, the front door lust and desire aren't working and the red pill teaches us that it can not be negotiated (even with ourselves). suggest you take a shot at building a "spiritual" connection with her and from that perhaps new senses appear for you that include her and will result in another access route to desire. it can be done. I think a couple of the men in the forum can suggest ways, and I could suggest some also. it's not really a red pill, but could be very rewarding.

 

[SW15]

It did not appear beforehand because it was a long distance relationship. Long distance relationships are usually another no no.

It is easy to miss details in long distance relationships. I have always had a no long distance relationships policy. I am strict about distance even within the large metros areas where I have lived. I don't like girlfriends to live more than 10-12 miles from where I live.

 

[Ricky]

This is an interesting thread and i had to skim it but plan to read through it all at some point.

My friend Ryan lost interest in his wife. Ryan had slept with many women (>100) before marriage. He got divorced recently.
I was surprised to learn just how infrequently he slept with her the last 7 years of his marriage.

 

[Plinco]

This is an interesting thread and i had to skim it but plan to read through it all at some point.

My friend Ryan lost interest in his wife. Ryan had slept with many women (>100) before marriage. He got divorced recently.
I was surprised to learn just how infrequently he slept with her the last 7 years of his marriage.

I would appreciate any insight that you might have

 

[Dr.Suave]

Take a cialis, you will get harder easier in spite of not feeling super attracted to her initially. Once you start banging her frequently without a condom she might grow on you.

 

[Plinco]

Take a cialis, you will get harder easier in spite of not feeling super attracted to her initially. Once you start banging her frequently without a condom she might grow on you.

Half the time I don't even want to kiss her.

 

[Plinco]

Update

I'm going to try to treat her as a girlfriend and see what happens.

 

[Atom Smasher]

@Plinco , I think you identified the root cause of the problem in your OP. You said that she is boring to talk to. That in and of itself is sufficient to kill sexual desire.
I’m concerned that you might be jumping from the frying pan to the fire if you divorce her. You yourself accurately defined most modern women out there…”I see arrogance, jadedness, and ugliness.”
This sounds like a good girl except for the boredom/sexuality thing.
Is it possible to get her to explore some outside interests? I’m wondering if she was more involved with life outside of marriage, she might become more interesting. What if you both agreed to an individual outside pursuit and you can both discuss what you’re doing and learning? Maybe classes of some kind?
What about attempting some role-playing in the bedroom? Is it too late to try that?
There is a lot more to marriage than sex, although sex is important. I’d just hate to see you divorce and then on the other side realize you had it better than you thought. Most women today are trash. This girl is not. The fact is that most non-trash girls lean a little toward the boring side.
Sometimes we want our wives to provide intellectual stimulation that they are incapable of providing. I have struggled with that all my life with girlfriends. My wife is gorgeous and kind and submissive, but it would be folly for me to expect the same intellectual stimulation from her that I get from men. They just aren’t wired for that.
I have learned to accept women as unable to provide the whole package. For intellectual stimulation, it’s men all the way. Women by nature are intellectually boring AF, and will always disappoint in that area of life.
If you found a way to stick it out with her, as the years go by you might find that the differences you see now will diminish in importance.
I totally get how you feel. I’m just tossing out some thoughts for consideration. Just consider slowly and methodically fixing the issues before resorting to rummaging around back in the trash heap.

 

[zekko]

Most women today are trash. This girl is not. The fact is that most non-trash girls lean a little toward the boring side.

Fair point. Not sure I agree, exactly, since I don't find trashy behavior exciting. But I could see a lot of guys seeing it this way.

Something John Lennon said when he ran into a rough spot with his wife Yoko Ono has always stuck with me. He said that they could tear it up and start fresh with someone new, but eventually he would just reach the same point with the new girl. So might as well power through and deal with it now.

 

[Plinco]

@Plinco , I think you identified the root cause of the problem in your OP. You said that she is boring to talk to. That in and of itself is sufficient to kill sexual desire.
I’m concerned that you might be jumping from the frying pan to the fire if you divorce her. You yourself accurately defined most modern women out there…”I see arrogance, jadedness, and ugliness.”
This sounds like a good girl except for the boredom/sexuality thing.
Is it possible to get her to explore some outside interests? I’m wondering if she was more involved with life outside of marriage, she might become more interesting. What if you both agreed to an individual outside pursuit and you can both discuss what you’re doing and learning? Maybe classes of some kind?
What about attempting some role-playing in the bedroom? Is it too late to try that?
There is a lot more to marriage than sex, although sex is important. I’d just hate to see you divorce and then on the other side realize you had it better than you thought. Most women today are trash. This girl is not. The fact is that most non-trash girls lean a little toward the boring side.
Sometimes we want our wives to provide intellectual stimulation that they are incapable of providing. I have struggled with that all my life with girlfriends. My wife is gorgeous and kind and submissive, but it would be folly for me to expect the same intellectual stimulation from her that I get from men. They just aren’t wired for that.
I have learned to accept women as unable to provide the whole package. For intellectual stimulation, it’s men all the way. Women by nature are intellectually boring AF, and will always disappoint in that area of life.
If you found a way to stick it out with her, as the years go by you might find that the differences you see now will diminish in importance.
I totally get how you feel. I’m just tossing out some thoughts for consideration. Just consider slowly and methodically fixing the issues before resorting to rummaging around back in the trash heap.

I appreciate your input

 

[Dr.Suave]

Im with Atom. Dont give up on her. The pasture may look greener on the other side but its probably not the case.

 

[zekko]

Im with Atom. Dont give up on her. The pasture may look greener on the other side but its probably not the case.

If half of what you read on this forum is true, it's definitely not greener.