What to do when she starts reaching out after the soft next.

[goforit99]

A girl flaked on a date last minute via text, gave a vague excuse, and didn’t mention anything about rescheduling.

This shows me that she isn’t concerned about losing my attention, she doesn’t value my time, and spending time with me is not a priority for her (especially since she didn’t suggest another time.)

I didn’t reply to her flaking text and just removed all of my attention at that point. The soft next.

No worries. I can move on. But there’s more to the story.

(She sent a pic a few days later with a street sign that had my username on it. I opened it but didn’t respond.)

After three weeks of radio silence I got the “Where you at?” text from her. I didn’t reply. The next day (yesterday), she tried to FaceTime me. I didn’t answer.

I think she might keep trying to text and call (or even show up at my place), so my question is whether I should respond or just keep ignoring her.

I’ve known her for a long time, but we only started doing stuff together in the past six months.

A few months ago we went bar hopping around town, she came over to my place for the night, we ended up in bed naked. Didn’t technically ****, but we rounded all the other bases.

This matters because she’s also in a long-distance relationship right now. The guy seems like the blue-pilled provider type. Not unusual for a girl to explore that sort of thing when she’s 29.

FWIW, the morality of the situation doesn’t bother me. I don't know what their arrangement is while they are long distance, and I don't ask.

Anyway, even though we joked about it afterward and neither one of us was really surprised to learn the other was attracted to them, I think she might be feeling guilty about what happened (and what almost happened.)

So, she still says yes to going out and hanging out and stuff, but when the actual day comes, she gets cold feet and either leaves early or flakes.

I think she wants to hang out but she knows that if she doesn’t put some space between us or leave early or flake, the unfinished business of the sexual tension between us is just gonna do its thing.

It’s like if we seal the deal, it has to be my fault or it has to just happen unexpectedly. For example, if her dude ever found out about us messing around, she could say she was blackout drunk (she wasn’t) and doesn’t remember it (she does.)

But she wouldn’t have that plausible deniability if she invited me over to her place for the evening, cooked me dinner, and we spent the night watching movies on the couch — which is what this last date was going to be (the one she flaked on).

I think we both want to hook up but it just kinda has to happen unexpectedly so she feels it wasn’t her fault and she doesn’t trigger that slut shaming defense mechanism. Or she's not interested anymore, but our text exchanges and in-person flirtations since then seem to support the idea that she's interested at least to some degree.

Anyhow, now that I’ve removed all of my attention, she’s reaching out.

I don’t want to ruin the opportunity by ignoring her completely and rejecting every attempt she makes, but also don’t want to play myself, slip into low-value behaviors, and end up in the friendzone just giving her attention for nothing in return.

(Also, I’m still approaching other girls, flirting, and getting numbers while this is going on, so while this is a story about one girl, it’s not a oneitis story. I’m not attached to an outcome, but if I can make it happen, great.)

Someone suggested that I should just text “come over” as a reply to any message from her from this point onward. I think that’s an interesting strategy for girls who reach out after repeatedly flaking, but I’m not sure if it would be a good idea for a girl who wants to avoid the slut shaming part of things.

The last part is what to say to the inevitable “why didn’t you respond to any of my messages” question. I think less is more here. Just something like “I’ve been busy” or “been on some new year new me type ****” is better than a confrontation…

…but since I haven’t responded to three of her attempts to message me, if I don’t say something soon, she could get confrontational as well, so there’s that.

Has anyone been through a similar situation?

 

[Stuffnu]

“My house 8pm Saturday and wear something nice”
And nothing more…
She conforms or you delete.

 

[Duke26]

If you wanna f**k her it’s gonna have to be your fault.
What he said Tell her to come over to help cook dinner. Have her bring a bottle of wine.

 

[Black Widow Void]

No advice is ever 100%.
Here's my take.

What is her skill?
Is she good with English?
Is she a writer?
I only use the above as examples.

You invite her over to help you out with _____ (what ever it is that she prides herself on).

This way, she can disillusion herself that it's strictly "professional."
Assuming that you drink, you'll have a glass in hand and offer her one (being polite and hospitable, of course haha)
Then it's eventually.... "look, you've had too much to be on the road at this point." Again, it's 'not her fault.' And because she is (so-called) "tipsy. " She can later blame what ever happens on the alcohol.

 

[Bethatsocialguy]

I think you are putting her in a category in your mind of more than what it is. You are thinking about it too much. She seems to be a "**** when I decide kind of girl" by that I mean, if you feel like she is a good friends with benefits, just maintain it as that. As soon as you feel she pulls away, do exactly what you did before and pull away. She will come back. In the mean time, she might be ****ing other guys so if you are not ok with that, then she probably isnt a good option for you

 

[goforit99]

UPDATE:

First, thanks for the replies. They were all helpful.

So, three days after her initial text that I ignored, I texted her (today): “hey come over and let’s kick it”

She called within the hour and said she was down and that she’d head over.

She came over in the afternoon, asked why I had been ignoring her (I said I was just busy).

The idea to go to a vinyl store came up, so we went out and hit up a few vinyl stores and vintage stores and stuff around town. Then, at the end of the adventures, as we’re headed back to my place, she says, “I think I’m gonna take off when we get back.” As I mentioned in the first post, she's done this before.

I threw in the suggestion of, “or we could chill for a minute and watch a movie,” but she said something about wanting to get back early and blah blah.

So, basically, it seems like she’s still avoiding the two of us alone together at either her place or my place.

Maybe there’s another local dude, maybe she doesn’t want to jeopardize her long distance dude, maybe she doesn’t feel attraction anymore, maybe any number of things.

No matter what it actually is, the end result is she’s trying to put me into more of a friend role for now. I’ve known her for a long time and I guess you could have called us friends back in the day (we maybe hung out 1-2 times a year back then in mixed company), but I’m not interested in going (back) to the the friend zone, even if it's the "best friend" zone, so I gotta figure out how to exit.

I could text her something like “It was fun hanging out, but I think I gotta do my own thing for a while” or I could just ignore her when she reaches out again in a few days or a week.

The second option seems passive aggressive where she doesn’t know why I’m not responding, and the first approach will lead to her asking “why” and then I guess I gotta say something like, “I like hanging out but I’m not really interested in being just friends, and if that doesn’t work for you, that’s fine, but I gotta go do my own thing for a while.”

I don't mind losing the girl (I mean I do, but it's not gonna kill me), but if I'm going to move on, I'd like to do it in a way that has the best possible impact on her.

Thoughts?

 

[DonJuanjr]

"I can't hang out with you much anymore, I want to use that time to have passionate sex with other women."

 

[Bethatsocialguy]

UPDATE:

First, thanks for the replies. They were all helpful.

So, three days after her initial text that I ignored, I texted her (today): “hey come over and let’s kick it”

She called within the hour and said she was down and that she’d head over.

She came over in the afternoon, asked why I had been ignoring her (I said I was just busy).

The idea to go to a vinyl store came up, so we went out and hit up a few vinyl stores and vintage stores and stuff around town. Then, at the end of the adventures, as we’re headed back to my place, she says, “I think I’m gonna take off when we get back.” As I mentioned in the first post, she's done this before.

I threw in the suggestion of, “or we could chill for a minute and watch a movie,” but she said something about wanting to get back early and blah blah.

So, basically, it seems like she’s still avoiding the two of us alone together at either her place or my place.

Maybe there’s another local dude, maybe she doesn’t want to jeopardize her long distance dude, maybe she doesn’t feel attraction anymore, maybe any number of things.

No matter what it actually is, the end result is she’s trying to put me into more of a friend role for now. I’ve known her for a long time and I guess you could have called us friends back in the day (we maybe hung out 1-2 times a year back then in mixed company), but I’m not interested in going (back) to the the friend zone, even if it's the "best friend" zone, so I gotta figure out how to exit.

I could text her something like “It was fun hanging out, but I think I gotta do my own thing for a while” or I could just ignore her when she reaches out again in a few days or a week.

The second option seems passive aggressive where she doesn’t know why I’m not responding, and the first approach will lead to her asking “why” and then I guess I gotta say something like, “I like hanging out but I’m not really interested in being just friends, and if that doesn’t work for you, that’s fine, but I gotta go do my own thing for a while.”

I don't mind losing the girl (I mean I do, but it's not gonna kill me), but if I'm going to move on, I'd like to do it in a way that has the best possible impact on her.

Thoughts?

If I was you, I would pull away and meet other girls. Don´t tell her anything. If you really want to make things clear, invite her on a date. I mean, say to her about going to get a drink with her. During the drink, you have to flirt (have you been flirting with her already). When I say flirt, i mean tease her, talk about sexual topics, physicality etc. If you havent done any of this already, you are probably already in the friendzone. If you do these things on the date and she responds well, you have to lead the interaction. And you can build up to see where it goes. If it doesnt go well, you can always make an excuse like "I have to go, something came up" and then you know your answer. Right now, it doesnt seem like you have tried anything so you have to take the risk and risk "losing her" as an option for now

 

[Redwolf]

Women will give you just enough attention back to keep you in their orbit. If she won't agree to get together alone with you and if things aren't progressing towards sleeping together you need to stop giving her attention.

A woman truly interested will make it easy for you. Don't give attention away to women who don't.

 

[nismo-4]

TL;DR!

Make me barf for 2022! My first post of the year and I gotta see this?!

I can't believe I read those long ass posts. Anyways, she doesn't want to jeopardize losing me or Chad. She wanted to avoid a situation where you two were alone. If you ended up at her place, her sister Rachel and brother Trevor would be there.

This is a classic friendzone case, moreso her dropping you sexually. But she lost about 3 orbiters and needs you back as long as it's just for beta purposes. If you ask her out and bring her to Salt Bae's or Commander's Palace (Shoutout to those from New Orleans) she'll gladly show up for that! But to invite her over with wine and a Netflix, she's not too thrilled. Because you won't simp for her!

Alas, the best thing you can do now is move on to other women who are sexually interested. Her vagina wasn't all that anyway, when I smashed, she might as well have been a mannequin. She refused to swallow my cüm so she's out. She needs simps ASAP. Don't apply for that role.

If you do want to smash, do this. Only invite her over. If she refuses, cut her off. When she comes by, she better wear something sexy, bring some pepperoni pizza (or whatever your favorite comfort food is), and she's gonna have to get on both knees. You already know why. Ok ok, her ass needs to be punished for what she did. She can't get away with that bull s**t. Don't be a doormat. And no going out until she swallowed a cup of your cüm. She blowed you off, now she gotta blow you. And it better be good.

This should really help.

Case closed. I better not hear of you simping for her.

 

[Glassguy]

OP- Start seeing other women. This chick that you are going on and on about isnt complying with what youre looking for.

However- what you are doing (ignoring her) is somewhat working. Just continue to ignore her and let her reach out. When she does and wants to see you, invite her over to watch a movie at YOUR place. If she doesnt, delete her number.

Lets not throw away potentially good pvssy. Lets give her an opportunity to COMPLY and if she doesnt, its GOODBYE.

And if she reaches back out in 2 more weeks, you give her the same option of coming over on a particular night. This way you are investing NOTHING but if she complies, you have the opportunity to sleep with her.