High interest vs Raising Attraction

[SmoothSmooth]

Hi, looking for opinions from experienced daters...

I've had experiences where girls would be high interest from the jump - for example, they would be open to kissing on the first date (or more) and text me first after the date to thank me for a great time. I've tended to only go after those kind of girls.

I've also had experiences where, despite a great time, the girls swerve my kiss on the first date or do not text me first afterwards. I'm good at reading people and know that the date went well despite these things, and therefore put it down to a lack of primal attraction.

I've assume the second group are potentially seeing me more as a 'provider' than a 'lover', so I never follow up for a second date. I'm not even chasing quick sex - I just only want to date girls that see me as catch not an option...

A few of my friends disagree with this approach and say that the girls may be highly attracted but are just more cautious. They also say the first group of girls are just more promiscuous, and it has nothing to do with attraction level. These guys are way more patient, but I think they are possibly undervaluing themselves to girls that are 'settling'.

Thoughts? Do some girls act more cautious on a first date (ie expect the man to text first, swerve the kiss etc) despite seeing him as sexually appealing?

 

[2Rocky]

It depends on the girl....(I know it sounds like a copout)

I think the key is for you to have enough options that you don't have to "push" on marginal interest women. Let them feel some competition pressure to raise their effort. maybe by being a little scarcer in person. You want her to feel like she needs to strike while the iron is hot, and it might be her only chance to snag you. Women are experts at this because they always can find a willing man if they are attractive.

 

[RangerMIke]

There is a difference between attraction and interest.

Attraction is surface level 'lizard brain' stuff (looks, perception)... men pretty much live here all the time. If we are attracted to a woman, we tend to ignore those things that SHOULD lower our interest. It tends to take a long time for a man to lose interest in a woman he is attracted to. For your typical woman, yeah... she is going to be attracted... but as soon as she figures out that you are not what she wants... her interest drops quickly.

Interest is compatibility, what interests a woman is going to be different for each woman. You can be a man that MOST women are going to be interested in, but you can not and will not be interesting to ALL women. The reason some dates go well and some don't is that the woman has figured out you aren't what she wants.

If a woman agrees to go out with you, she is attracted to you... it might be right on the edge, but she isn't going out with you unless there is some level of attraction. If she is VERY attracted to you, well... she might make some concessions, but over time her interest drops. If you are right on the border, and you don't fit what she is looking for, well... you get cut loose pretty fast.

 

[devilkingx2]

I've also had experiences where, despite a great time, the girls swerve my kiss on the first date or do not text me first afterwards. I'm good at reading people and know that the date went well despite these things, and therefore put it down to a lack of primal attraction

The texting first thing is probably down to introverted girl vs extroverted girl or shy vs confident.

I've assume the second group are potentially seeing me more as a 'provider' than a 'lover', so I never follow up for a second date. I'm not even chasing quick sex - I just only want to date girls that see me as catch not an option...

I think it also depends on the date. If she hasn't had any alcohol she may want to kiss you but get caught up thinking about things like not being too easy. But if she had drinks and doesn't kiss you that means that she isn't attracted to you yet.

If she wanted a dinner date (or any other date that costs a lot and is more romance-y or relationship oriented) yet doesn't kiss you that's the sign she wants a provider.

A few of my friends disagree with this approach and say that the girls may be highly attracted but are just more cautious. They also say the first group of girls are just more promiscuous, and it has nothing to do with attraction level. These guys are way more patient, but I think they are possibly undervaluing themselves to girls that are 'settling'.

Attraction level is the primary factor but not the only factor.

If you meet a girl in church, what she'll do on a first date is probably wildly different than what a bartender with tattoos and an onlyfans will do on a first date.

Another factor is that if your first date is coffee at noon, that's going to be a different result than if she had 3 drinks at a bar with you.

 

[SmoothSmooth]

The texting first thing is probably down to introverted girl vs extroverted girl or shy vs confident.



I think it also depends on the date. If she hasn't had any alcohol she may want to kiss you but get caught up thinking about things like not being too easy. But if she had drinks and doesn't kiss you that means that she isn't attracted to you yet.

If she wanted a dinner date (or any other date that costs a lot and is more romance-y or relationship oriented) yet doesn't kiss you that's the sign she wants a provider.



Attraction level is the primary factor but not the only factor.

If you meet a girl in church, what she'll do on a first date is probably wildly different than what a bartender with tattoos and an onlyfans will do on a first date.

Another factor is that if your first date is coffee at noon, that's going to be a different result than if she had 3 drinks at a bar with you.

I have a theory. I think provider is more than just money - I think there’s different type of providers. Ultimately it’s about power - if a woman has high interest, she gives the guy her all. He has the power and she will accept his advances. That’s the lover. If she feels she can do better, she will try to retain some power and expect the man to ‘work’ more - it could simply be expecting him to wait longer. Dinner/money means less with women who make their own money.

 

[SmoothSmooth]

There is a difference between attraction and interest.

Attraction is surface level 'lizard brain' stuff (looks, perception)... men pretty much live here all the time. If we are attracted to a woman, we tend to ignore those things that SHOULD lower our interest. It tends to take a long time for a man to lose interest in a woman he is attracted to. For your typical woman, yeah... she is going to be attracted... but as soon as she figures out that you are not what she wants... her interest drops quickly.

Interest is compatibility, what interests a woman is going to be different for each woman. You can be a man that MOST women are going to be interested in, but you can not and will not be interesting to ALL women. The reason some dates go well and some don't is that the woman has figured out you aren't what she wants.

If a woman agrees to go out with you, she is attracted to you... it might be right on the edge, but she isn't going out with you unless there is some level of attraction. If she is VERY attracted to you, well... she might make some concessions, but over time her interest drops. If you are right on the border, and you don't fit what she is looking for, well... you get cut loose pretty fast.

There is a difference between attraction and interest.

Attraction is surface level 'lizard brain' stuff (looks, perception)... men pretty much live here all the time. If we are attracted to a woman, we tend to ignore those things that SHOULD lower our interest. It tends to take a long time for a man to lose interest in a woman he is attracted to. For your typical woman, yeah... she is going to be attracted... but as soon as she figures out that you are not what she wants... her interest drops quickly.

Interest is compatibility, what interests a woman is going to be different for each woman. You can be a man that MOST women are going to be interested in, but you can not and will not be interesting to ALL women. The reason some dates go well and some don't is that the woman has figured out you aren't what she wants.

If a woman agrees to go out with you, she is attracted to you... it might be right on the edge, but she isn't going out with you unless there is some level of attraction. If she is VERY attracted to you, well... she might make some concessions, but over time her interest drops. If you are right on the border, and you don't fit what she is looking for, well... you get cut loose pretty fast.

Hmm…but the ‘Chad theory’/‘Brad Pitt rule’ would contradict this…

The texting first thing is probably down to introverted girl vs extroverted girl or shy vs confident.



I think it also depends on the date. If she hasn't had any alcohol she may want to kiss you but get caught up thinking about things like not being too easy. But if she had drinks and doesn't kiss you that means that she isn't attracted to you yet.

If she wanted a dinner date (or any other date that costs a lot and is more romance-y or relationship oriented) yet doesn't kiss you that's the sign she wants a provider.



Attraction level is the primary factor but not the only factor.

If you meet a girl in church, what she'll do on a first date is probably wildly different than what a bartender with tattoos and an onlyfans will do on a first date.

Another factor is that if your first date is coffee at noon, that's going to be a different result than if she had 3 drinks at a bar with you.

It depends on the girl....(I know it sounds like a copout)

I think the key is for you to have enough options that you don't have to "push" on marginal interest women. Let them feel some competition pressure to raise their effort. maybe by being a little scarcer in person. You want her to feel like she needs to strike while the iron is hot, and it might be her only chance to snag you. Women are experts at this because they always can find a willing man if they are attractive.

Does it depend on the girl though?
I’ve had experiences with ‘shy’ and sexually reserved women being open to at least visit my place after the first date. Definitely open to kissing and texting first the next day - even if no sex. In 2021 a first date kiss isn’t really a big deal - I think rejecting a kiss is a sign she sees you as more beta than her other options/previous lovers - she basically expects more effort for what someone else got faster.
What do you think?