Pep talk needed - GF cheated

[Modern Man Advice]

Hi Everyone,

Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...

Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.

I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.

She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.

The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...

Sucks you have to go through that, but it happens. And often happens for a reason, not just at the root of why it happened but also because if it weren't for experiences like these we wouldn't grow and become stronger.

The main thing to do is to be patient with yourself. It'll take time regardless of whether you decide to work on the relationship or move on. Either way, it will take time. So have realistic expectations about that.

Secondly, if you really want our advice. Move on.

You see, respect and trust take so much and so long to build. They are also so foundational and critical to any LTR. However, it takes a second to lose them. In your case, more than a second over a period of time makes respect and trust so broken beyond repair. She disrespected you, and doubt you trust her right now. Or will ever again if we are being honest.

Trust is not something you just earn, it is built over time. But it is so fragile.

Be realistic about that. If you are to continue together and she "earns" your trust, what would that look like? Is it even possible? Will it be highly conditional trust given the past?

These questions make it harder, because you love her and care about her but you love yourself first, don't you?

Taking your time will be your best ally here, don't rush into getting back with her or even talking to her. It's too recent and you are obviously still hurt.


Hope this helps,
Modern Man Advice

 

[TheNewStyle123]

Hi Everyone,

Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...

Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.

I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.

She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.

The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...

Don't go back to her man. Trust me. Don't do it. You're lucky because you are not engaged or married. You can walk away from this with nothing to lose (except the emotions that come along with it.). IMO once a cheater always a cheater. My ex wife cheated on me within 3 MONTHS of our marriage. I tried to "let it go" because I loved her. Went to marriage counseling, etc. Well, 3 years later same damn thing happened again.

This actually just happened about 7 months ago, and although it was hard at first (trust me, I know how you feel), I am in a way better place now and can't imagine how unconfident and insecure I would be now if I stayed with someone that did that to me.

You deserve better. Anyone does!

Good luck man.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Don't go back to her man. Trust me. Don't do it. You're lucky because you are not engaged or married. You can walk away from this with nothing to lose (except the emotions that come along with it.). IMO once a cheater always a cheater. My ex wife cheated on me within 3 MONTHS of our marriage. I tried to "let it go" because I loved her. Went to marriage counseling, etc. Well, 3 years later same damn thing happened again.

This actually just happened about 7 months ago, and although it was hard at first (trust me, I know how you feel), I am in a way better place now and can't imagine how unconfident and insecure I would be now if I stayed with someone that did that to me.

You deserve better. Anyone does!

Good luck man.

Yes, it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE to build up confidence and esteem by having a woman who cheated on you still close to your heart and connected to her. She validates you as a man that should be cheated on, which is not a good feeling.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

Drop her and if any person on here tells you to try and keep her as a plate then block that poster too lol.

 

[Steel_Neurons]

Lot's of good advice in this thread. It's rough to get cheated on like that, but the only sane thing to do is to block her and move on, IMO. Easy for me to say as I'm not in the situation, but anyway ... The silver lining is that at least you didn't make babies with her and can actually make a clean break.

GL and hopefully things will start turning around for you later this year.

 

[Toddz]

Move on.

Forget her and simply realize that she wasn't the person who you thought she was. Sure it sucks and is painful at the moment, but it'll slowly pass. If you find yourself thinking about her and missing her then just remember what she did to you.

No communication period. She losses you.

 

[TheCharmingGuy]

I think if you have scrolled this far down and are still unsure, consider this.
Who really lost in this situation? You or your former SO? After all, one of you just lost a great boyfriend and the other lost a lying b****. Congratulate yourself as she got exactly what she deserved.
If you still think you love her, don’t overthink it. You can’t love her. What you are experiencing is just the inability to suddenly shut off a LTR. Remember, there are other things in life than girls.
Sorry about what you’re going through. Your buddies here on SoSuave are always here for you!

 

[Dash Riprock]

Hi Everyone,

Before getting into it. Please save any “you were being a beta male/no frame, etc” comments. I’ve thought about those enough and I promise you, I’m not that person. Im not Mr Niceguy. I’ve been around long enough and dated long enough to know better...

Long story short, my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me two weekends in a row last month with a former guy she used to be on/off with before she met me.
I am heartbroken - devastated. Broke up with her that day and told her off for lying to me and I didn’t want to see her again. She had been living out of state for a short term job via school and returns next month. She wants to talk and see what she can do (if anything) to salvage a future for us.

I am so hurt. Mad, angry, harrowing depression at times. Trying to focus on my awesome job and friends. Even been on a couple first dates that didn’t really go anywhere.

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

This girl was telling me she wanted babies with me, loved me so much, spent the holidays with my family. Then two short months later she cheated on me. I was visiting her out of state when I found out - being the best boyfriend I could be and giving in the relationship.

She comes home in a couple weeks. She’s been trying to email me and setup times to meet and talk (I blocked her on all other forms of communication). Part of me (the weak part, the denial part) thinks I could be rid of the awful sadness im feeling if she PROVES to me she can change and be better and EARN my trust back. But, I feel like this is the wrong mindset - even though it hurts to admit.

The other part of me, the part of me that has been through this before, thinks I should prevent her from seeing me at all and vanish from her life in ghost-like fashion and let her live with her choice.

Can I please get some advice or recommendations on how to get my mind right and do what is best? I think seeing her will just trigger more pain for me. But the denial in me says it could be helpful...

Hey OP,

Thanks for sharing. Damn, few things in life compare with catching a “trusted” LTR girlfriend or spouse cheating on you. What a gut punch. Everyone either has or will be there at some point in their life.

I've had it happen to me 5 times with LTR girlfriends. One I was 20, took her back, big mistake. One I was 25, took her back, big mistake. The other 3, were actually live-in LTR girlfriends. They were out FAST, no questions asked, by me anyway. I was much more mature with the other 3 and less inclined to be influenced by the pleading, BS, and crying, etc., etc. 2/3 I could care less, and was ready to eject anyway. It was a relief. 1/3 was really tough, but I held my ground, went NC, and never took her back.

All of them tacitly communicated to me how they handle their relationship challenges (by cheating) and the level of integrity they displayed in doing so (very little), even if I did contribute to the broken relationship somehow (which I expound on below).​

I'll reiterate some of what I've already read in this thread as I can speak from experience:

1- Don't take her back as it will never be the same ever again. The ONLY time a man should consider this is if he's married with kids, and there are others to consider and financial considerations. At least it would give the man some time to plan his exit strategy in order to minimize the damage. In your case you need to go NC ASAP, dump her 100%, and move on.
2- Don't give in to all the emotional s*it she'll likely throw at you; Her: big mistake, all my fault, I looooove you, cry cry, etc. Women hate being alone and hate getting dumped even more. Take her back and she'll lose respect for you and you'll lose respect for you; a big LOSE-LOSE.
3-It will hurt like a b*tch for a while. Damn, I remember well. It can take a long time to get over someone but eventually you do. Time is the best healer of all.
4-Don’t be surprised if you see her on OLD, out dating, or even with the other guy the very next day. Women will do ANYTHING to be with somebody and be cared about. Usually it's a band-aid for them while they play the field for something better and try to "hurt" you more in the process.
5-Get busy; hobbies, friends, career, especially your HEALTH. Use the lying b*tch as motivation.
6-It's MANDATORY you do not communicate with her unless she has things at your place, etc. Then, be very unemotional and professional and tell her in advance you don't want any emotional BS, get your s*it, in and out, and be GONE. Give her a deadline. Communicating with her and "talks" will only prolong your agony and derail and delay your recovery.
7-Think about the flags and what you did or didn't do. It's never 100% / 0% when people break up. I'm not saying take her back because you’re partially to blame, but no one's LTR game is 100%. What can you do better next time? Maybe you overlooked flags, her behavior, gave in too much, worked too much, drank too much, I don't know. But we all can improve as people and improve our success rate for the next one...and there's always a next one.

Keep fighting the good fight. There are better fish in the pond.

Good luck.

Dash

 

[2Rocky]

It's not just Cheating. The same "Scorched Earth " policy should apply to any situation like Stealing from you or Lying about joint finances.

 

[Serenity]

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy.

Here's a frame for you, free of charge. If you want to do what's best for her you let her go and never look back. Maybe it will sting enough so that she doesn't make choices that put her in the same situation in the future.

Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you're still with them and give them what they want. Instead you give them what they need, even if that's not what they want. She needs a serious correction to her behavior, and she can't genuinely have that without serious consequences to her actions.

It's absolutely true as others here have said that getting back together won't be the same, the relationship will be forever tainted by this. But, if you really need to frame this in a positive way for her then this is it.

Imagine you forgive her, she doesn't feel the consequence as strongly and this weakness remains in her. Fast forward 10+ years, you're still together, she hasn't learned her lesson properly, you find out she has cheated again and this time it's over. Now tell me, did you really do her a service by staying? No, you both wasted several years, time you could have saved for both of you if you had just let the consequences of her actions hit at full force.

At this point you'll ultimately give her a better life the worse you can make her feel about her mistake. Don't harass her of course, but really do rub the shame in her face and be gone.

 

[Glassguy]

If you weren't beta you wouldn't even be asking for advice on this. You'd just disappear and ghost her.

I understand that being cheated on sucks, but an alpha would realize this chick showed her true colors before any more time waste on her and go find 4 more chicks to bang.

 

[Baibars]

I just don’t get it. You’ve been on this forum for a long time and you claim that you aren’t beta and didn’t make any mistakes but you still care so much.
The response to her cheating is obvious and you should already know what to do. No contact and focus on yourself. There is no future. You both where together for 1 year, no kids or anything so it should be easy to cut all ties.
She had the opportunity and cheated on you with a guy she has some sort of connection with. You’re so devastated because you invested so much in her and seems like you expected her to be loyal which you just can’t especially not these days. Women are encouraged to do whatever they want so if there is an opportunity to branch to another guy they will do it most times. In this case it wasn’t branching but some „alpha“ D she got from this guy. She wants you back because she can’t or doesn’t want to monkey branch.
The question is, will you allow that? Will you be the guy that takes her back or will you stick to your principles and go through the hard times feeling like **** for some time?

even if you take her back, you will NEVER feel the same bro. You will even feel like a lesser man because deep down you will always know there is something wrong. And if she’s the opportunistic hoe she is, she will dump you later anyway.

 

[TheNewStyle123]

Yes, it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE to build up confidence and esteem by having a woman who cheated on you still close to your heart and connected to her. She validates you as a man that should be cheated on, which is not a good feeling.

Spot on man. It's going to benefit you mentally in the long run to just move on. You'll never feel fully secure with a woman who does that to you.

 

[FuzzX]

Go abroad, get VR or both.

 

[Mister_Skinny_Jeanz]

ah, so much love here on this post and all these men are spot on , if you take their advice you'll be fine bro.
there is no short term cure you're gonna have to walk through the fire,we all been there bro .
dont take her back

 

[dude99]

Was this a long distance relationship?

A pen pal.

 

[RickTheToad]

First sorry you are going through this... it sucks and really there isn't anything any of us can say that will make you feel better. There is no magic pill. All you need is time... and the only advice I can give you is to make that time as short as possible.

Best best way to recover from something like this is to put serious distance between you and her, and TRY not to think about her. Get busy with other things occupy your thoughts with productive activity. You are not going to forget this, and you shouldn't because everything is a learning experience, but don't dwell on it.

Next... now this is VERY important. There in nothing you could have done to prevent this... nothing. The root cause of obsession is the idea that 'maybe' there was something you could have done to get a specific result. You can not do ANYTHING that will cause a chick to do or not do anything.

When I was deployed in Afghanistan my wife at the time cheated on me with multiple dudes. When I got back I ended the marriage. I really do not hate her for this, and really didn't at the time... but I took a very pragmatic approach which was, I can not be in a relationship with someone I can not trust and who does not respect me or my children enough to maintain emotional control. My ex is who she is, and no amount of effort on my part was going to change her, all you can do is walk away.

Things will get better and I will end this with my favorite quote for situations like this "When you find yourself in hell... walk through the fvcking place like you own it... but walk quickly."

Sorry dude. Too bad she wasn't in Afghanistan with you. At least then, she could had gotten shot by "friendly fire".

 

[Maxinulm]

I was in the same situation last summer: found out my then gf cheated three times with two different dudes in the first 3 Months of our "relationship". And that were only the guys i know of. I am sure, what i know is just the tip of the iceberg.

And she also told me, that i am her dream man and that she wants to have children with me. Blablabla. This only means, that maybe you have the characteristics to be a father for her offspring. But this doesnt say in any way, that she doesnt enjoy other mens c*ck!!! Please keep that in mind.

The thing is:
You now know that she was "f*cked by", "s*cked his d*ick and b*alls" and maybe even swallow*d at least another guys c*m!
Just think about male friends who cheated on their girlfriend and she found out. There were WAYYY more nasty things than the girlfriend really found out! You only found out about these two incidents, but there surely were more. So your GF wasnt loyal and lied this time. Please name me one reason why she shouldnt have done this at other times.

I also went no contact for one month and after that we saw each other in lockdown. Some cuddling, some ****ing, but no relationship. It was okay sometime, but i always had to think about the things i knew she did, the things she 100% did, that i dont know about and that everything she tells met ATM could be a lie (and yes, this girl was a BIG LIAR). And she stole from me then... so i broke contact 100% after this incident.

There simply are humans, that are toxic, lying and want to have their cake and eat it too.
So please go no contact with her. Do your thing, workout, go on dates again.
If you cant let it maybe talk to her again after a few months/weeks. But be sure, there will be lies and lies.
"We met up and there was no sex", "We only kissed". 100% sure that she wont admit: "This guy f*ucked my brains out/ i loved the way he tied my to the chair and spanked my ass/ I loved how he differently ate my p*ssy..." "it simply happened", when she was the one, that opened his pants and began s*cking... Theres ALWAYS major downplaying things. The worst thing about this isnt the sex, its always the lying and she taking you for a fool.

Sorry for the direct and harsh words, but from someone, who experienced the same thing only months ago I can only tell you: Thats the way it is.

Please keep us updated and i wish you a lot of strength to get through this.

 

[deadmasterx]

What is hard for me is the following: even though she lied to me, then tried so hard to lie even when I found out, I still love her. I still care for her. In a f***** up way, I still want her to be happy. All of this despite her doing what I consider “unforgivable”...

It's understandable. Remember that feelings doesn't disappear all of sudden, relationships are a investiment that you make. It's not your fault that she decided to break the rules of the deal you had (nothing justifies cheating, no matter how much of a Nice Guy or dumbass you are). You will keep on feeling like this for a while, I won't lie. First because you loved her and the relationship wasn't a **** (which would prepare you for a breakup); second because it was sudden, and it's about something that she did that completely broke your trust (if just broke up with you, you could even consider getting back together, but there's no forgiveness for cheating).

Keep in mind, and that's for life, that you can't control other people's actions. No matter how alpha and a good boyfriend you are, if the "*****" (I'll say it like this because I don't even consider cheaters as human beings to begin with) is willing to cheat on you, she will do that. Most things aren't up to you, but you can control something. Yourself, your reactions. If you accept, you're inviting her to do more. Follow your way, your path, be true to it.

Remember, there's no cure for that. There's no gym, no "focus on your life" that will save you. What you can do is simply keep yourself busy to not catch yourself think about it too much, which will surely make you feel down. It's a feeling you get used to, until eventually it stops being something new and you just don't care about it anymore.

But now, what about putting a positive spin on things? She cheated on you, which is an awful thing to do. But, think about that, what if you married her? What if you didn't find it out and she kept (she probably would) on doing that as long as you were together? It's an even worse situation.

Breakups are, in a way or another, a way to set you free of something that was either hurting you or her. Take the opportunity to learn about the things you did (there's always something to get better) and to analyse her too. Was she a good girlfriend? The kind of girl that you'd want to build a life together? What kind of aspects she had that you couldn't stand and absolutely don't want to deal with when you get a new girlfriend? Write it down. Memories are made for us to learn with the past. Don't ignore them.

Stay strong.

 

[Maxinulm]

And one thing i want to add here:
You surely are and will feel very sh*tty the next few days. I couldnt really eat or sleep for maybe five days after i found out.
Whats important: Your REAL friends! Mine took me out, even placed a dish infront of me when they were cooking...
Thats one very positive thing i found out after that: Who are my REAL friends! You should really appreciate them and give something back (if they feel bad sometime).