Should I drop my main plate?(UPDATE: Dropped)

[BackInTheGame78]

No. Valentine’s Day is for wives, fiancé’s, and girlfriends. You already had your shot with this girl. She couldn’t forget your mistakes even if she wanted to. There is no need to remind her of them. Move on to someone else.

Exactly what mistakes are you talking about? I'm interested in finding out.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, here’s the real deal: She’s out. She’s gone. She’s just prolonging the inevitable breakup to make it as soft and buffered by time as she can.

There is one thing only you need to do, and that’s a preemptive strike. This is the ONLY way to get control of this situation that is obviously eroding your peace of mind. Your ego is bruised, and you need to get control of this. I always preach here that a man should never, EVER remain in limbo regarding a woman’s interest level. It is eating at you because you are laying yourself prostrate on the floor, hoping she will re-accept you.

You can end this pitiful situation right now.

“Hey babe, I can see you’re very distracted and can’t maintain a relationship right now. No worries, I totally get it. This scenario doesn’t work for me, so I’m going to wish you the very best in life and move on.”

In so doing you will force the situation and within a day you will know where you stand with her. You will also regain most of the respect she has already lost for you.

In the unlikely event she is still interested in you, she will blow up your phone and cry and beg (which you should prolong as a means of correction and punishment and a demonstration of your own self-respect).

In the more likely scenario, she will get furious (because you beat her at her own game), or will actually be relieved that you ended it.

Either way, you win. Most importantly, you will no longer be writing this diary of uncertainty here but will instead be writing that you handled your business with your head held high.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Exactly what mistakes are you talking about? I'm interested in finding out.

So I have been seeing my main plate for almost 5 months. In truth I think we are more than just plates,

Mistake: Expecting more than what you the two of you are.

we talk to each other daily,

Mistake: too much communication

sleep over at each other's place when we see each other, she has a toothbrush for me at her place, etc..

Mistake: girlfriend treatment without girlfriend status

You've operated contrary to what we know to be true of game on several fronts, and it is manifests itself in how this relationship is playing out. A woman whom you've been having sex with for five months should be in love with you. Instead, she is withdrawing. That only happens through you lowering her interest level.

The major things:

-daily communication is too much availability unless she is the aggressor initiating all the conversations
-Relationships have a natural progression - at some point this plate asked for a promotion. Failure to act on it lowers her interest level. Eventually she realizes you are a waste of time

 

[2Rocky]

I love how this has BITG's Hamster wheel spinning. She is doing exactly what many members advocate to their women.

The shoe is on the other foot. He is doubting his position with her. He is the victim of Dread Game....whether intentional on her part or not.

8 pages over 4 days. All because he and others here aren't sure if he cares too much or not enough...

 

[LiveYourDream]

It is possible she could be an emotionally unavailable woman, as he described, who just likes to meet with OP for sex, and she truly is just extra busy right now. Sometimes life gets extra busy. It is also very possible she is completely unaware of all the hamster-ing and expectations that have been happening in OPs head. (Hopefully so)

If OP is willing to drop his latest expectations, for her prioritize him differently, in order for him to feel validated, and he once again saw her, as only the plate that she is/has always been, there may be no actual ‘problem.’

 

[Stoic]

The only thing that I would change about this is to have me as the poster. I wish I had written it. This is good advice.

OP, here’s the real deal: She’s out. She’s gone. She’s just prolonging the inevitable breakup to make it as soft and buffered by time as she can.

There is one thing only you need to do, and that’s a preemptive strike. This is the ONLY way to get control of this situation that is obviously eroding your peace of mind. Your ego is bruised, and you need to get control of this. I always preach here that a man should never, EVER remain in limbo regarding a woman’s interest level. It is eating at you because you are laying yourself prostrate on the floor, hoping she will re-accept you.

You can end this pitiful situation right now.

“Hey babe, I can see you’re very distracted and can’t maintain a relationship right now. No worries, I totally get it. This scenario doesn’t work for me, so I’m going to wish you the very best in life and move on.”

In so doing you will force the situation and within a day you will know where you stand with her. You will also regain most of the respect she has already lost for you.

In the unlikely event she is still interested in you, she will blow up your phone and cry and beg (which you should prolong as a means of correction and punishment and a demonstration of your own self-respect).

In the more likely scenario, she will get furious (because you beat her at her own game), or will actually be relieved that you ended it.

Either way, you win. Most importantly, you will no longer be writing this diary of uncertainty here but will instead be writing that you handled your business with your head held high.

 

[Barrister]

OP, here’s the real deal: She’s out. She’s gone. She’s just prolonging the inevitable breakup to make it as soft and buffered by time as she can.

There is one thing only you need to do, and that’s a preemptive strike. This is the ONLY way to get control of this situation that is obviously eroding your peace of mind. Your ego is bruised, and you need to get control of this. I always preach here that a man should never, EVER remain in limbo regarding a woman’s interest level. It is eating at you because you are laying yourself prostrate on the floor, hoping she will re-accept you.

You can end this pitiful situation right now.

“Hey babe, I can see you’re very distracted and can’t maintain a relationship right now. No worries, I totally get it. This scenario doesn’t work for me, so I’m going to wish you the very best in life and move on.”

In so doing you will force the situation and within a day you will know where you stand with her. You will also regain most of the respect she has already lost for you.

In the unlikely event she is still interested in you, she will blow up your phone and cry and beg (which you should prolong as a means of correction and punishment and a demonstration of your own self-respect).

In the more likely scenario, she will get furious (because you beat her at her own game), or will actually be relieved that you ended it.

Either way, you win. Most importantly, you will no longer be writing this diary of uncertainty here but will instead be writing that you handled your business with your head held high.

OP, here’s the real deal: She’s out. She’s gone. She’s just prolonging the inevitable breakup to make it as soft and buffered by time as she can.

There is one thing only you need to do, and that’s a preemptive strike. This is the ONLY way to get control of this situation that is obviously eroding your peace of mind. Your ego is bruised, and you need to get control of this. I always preach here that a man should never, EVER remain in limbo regarding a woman’s interest level. It is eating at you because you are laying yourself prostrate on the floor, hoping she will re-accept you.

You can end this pitiful situation right now.

“Hey babe, I can see you’re very distracted and can’t maintain a relationship right now. No worries, I totally get it. This scenario doesn’t work for me, so I’m going to wish you the very best in life and move on.”

In so doing you will force the situation and within a day you will know where you stand with her. You will also regain most of the respect she has already lost for you.

In the unlikely event she is still interested in you, she will blow up your phone and cry and beg (which you should prolong as a means of correction and punishment and a demonstration of your own self-respect).

In the more likely scenario, she will get furious (because you beat her at her own game), or will actually be relieved that you ended it.

Either way, you win. Most importantly, you will no longer be writing this diary of uncertainty here but will instead be writing that you handled your business with your head held high.

Awesome post. When it comes to detaching from women, whether plate or LTR, you seem to have the best advice. Great read for everyone here.

 

[rart]

OP, you were her plate and not the other way around and she is letting you drop. Like others have said many times, let her go. Only give her your attention again if she shows up at your door in nice lingerie and a six pack of you favorite beer.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It is possible she could be an emotionally unavailable woman, as he described, who just likes to meet with OP for sex, and she truly is just extra busy right now. Sometimes life gets extra busy. It is also very possible she is completely unaware of all the hamster-ing and expectations that have been happening in OPs head. (Hopefully so)

If OP is willing to drop his latest expectations, for her prioritize him differently, in order for him to feel validated, and he once again saw her, as only the plate that she is/has always been, there may be no actual ‘problem.’

She is 100% extra busy right now. That isn't in question. Her work just dumped a bunch of extra stuff on her plate where she is pretty high up and her job was already demanding and now her son is back to playing hockey and he has games 2 times a week and usually on weekends. Those are both new things that just popped up over the last month.

I mean I get why she has been feeling overwhelmed totally. But at the end of the day if this is her normal life moving forward, clearly she is telling me there is no place for me in it. At the end of the day, if a person has value in your life I just can't really accept that they aren't interested in seeing you for going on 3 weeks now.

Do I just back away and chill or do I end things and tell her to get back to me when things change?

 

[Stoic]

She is 100% extra busy right now. That isn't in question. Her work just dumped a bunch of extra stuff on her plate where she is pretty high up and her job was already demanding and now her son is back to playing hockey and he has games 2 times a week and usually on weekends.

I mean I get why she has been feeling overwhelmed totally. But at the end of the day, if a person has value in your life I just can't really accept that they aren't interested in seeing you for going on 3 weeks now.

Do I just back away and chill or do I end things and tell her to get back to me when things change?

Theres no real reason to tell her to get back when things change. That weakens your position and adds a hint of neediness.

You tell her respectfully that you totally understand shes busy but that that it doesn't work for you right now. And a sincere best of luck to her...

Maybe she chases maybe not.

Like atom smasher said, then you'll know exactly where you stand.

 

[Lookatu]

At the end of the day, if a person has value in your life I just can't really accept that they aren't interested in seeing you for going on 3 weeks now.

OP, you were her plate and not the other way around

She obviously doesn't see you as anyone special like you do to her if she hasn't made an attempt to see you in 3 weeks. Sounds like she's soft nexting you for another plate.

 

[LiveYourDream]

She is 100% extra busy right now. That isn't in question. Her work just dumped a bunch of extra stuff on her plate where she is pretty high up and her job was already demanding and now her son is back to playing hockey and he has games 2 times a week and usually on weekends. Those are both new things that just popped up over the last month.

I mean I get why she has been feeling overwhelmed totally. But at the end of the day if this is her normal life moving forward, clearly she is telling me there is no place for me in it. At the end of the day, if a person has value in your life I just can't really accept that they aren't interested in seeing you for going on 3 weeks now.

Do I just back away and chill or do I end things and tell her to get back to me when things change?

I understood she was a plate. To me that means you simply met up occasionally to have sex. Was that the nature of your dynamics? How often did you meet up for sex? Did both of you initiate or primarily one of you?

You also texted multiple times a day. That can lead to a false sense of intimacy/connection and importance in someone else’s life. It sounds like you caught the feels. It happens.

It sounds like because of those feels you now are getting expectations and are wanting more than simply occasionally having sex with her. Is that true? You want to feel valued by her? You want to feel treated more like a bf than a man she meets for sex. Is that true?

What are you looking for at this point? Are you willing to see her as just a plate, sex only, nothing else? Or because of your feelings, has that changed and there is no going back for you? That’s ok. You just have to be honest with yourself about it.

You seem to have expectations that she prioritize YOU personally. It seems that you are not dissatisfied simply because your plate is unavailable for sex at the usual frequency?

It seems you are saying you are dissatisfied because you want her to demonstrate her caring like a gf would? You wish she would make a big deal or do something for your birthday. You wish it would already be in her mind and plans. You wish you were important enough to her that she would think to skip her gym workout and instead use that time to squeeze in a visit to see YOU, not simply for sex, but to connect with you, because she cares about you. Am I understanding you correctly?

My understanding is you have 2 other plates for sex besides her. So her availability for sex is likely not the true issue because you have other options.

You mentioned that you have tried to connect with her more deeply, as I understood it, on multiple occasions and she has pulled back. I imagine that felt hard or like a bit of rejection on some level. Again, that may fall into more of what you would expect from a gf.

Along with that is the daily texting. As I said, it can lead to a misunderstanding of how important you are in someone else’s life. To one person they may think about it lots and to another it may be one of 1000 communications in their day. Maybe fun and light in their day, but necessarily as meaningful as it was to the other person. Primarily texting can lead to a false sense of connectedness. One can mistakenly assume what they feel on their end of the texting, is matched by the other, when there may be a lot of projection happening without someone even realizing it.

Again, I think texting everyday is more in line with GF/BF behavior than people simply hooking up to have sex. I think people avoid it as not to blur those lines and create misunderstandings. I get that. It’s easy to do.

Need help to understand what you actually have had with her and specifically what you want moving forward. It sounds like you want her to care for and treat you like a gf would. Is that what you want now? Is that the true reason for your upset/disappointment?

And has this woman ever brought up exclusivity with you? Have the two or you discussed it directly or indirectly or were those other plates you were speaking of previously?

What has become of your two other plates in the last few weeks? Are you still seeing/sleeping with them?

 

[rart]

OP you sound like a woman justifying her inattention to you (she's busy at work, kid ,etc).

On the other note, why would you even be interested in a woman that is busy with work. You're the one who should be busy with your life and gifting your attention to her, not other way around.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I understood she was a plate. To me that means you simply met up occasionally to have sex. Was that the nature of your dynamics? How often did you meet up for sex? Did both of you initiate or primarily one of you?

You also texted multiple times a day. That can lead to a false sense of intimacy/connection and importance in someone else’s life. It sounds like you caught the feels. It happens.

It sounds like because of those feels you now are getting expectations and are wanting more than simply occasionally having sex with her. Is that true? You want to feel valued by her? You want to feel treated more like a bf than a man she meets for sex. Is that true?

What are you looking for at this point? Are you willing to see her as just a plate, sex only, nothing else? Or because of your feelings, has that changed and there is no going back for you? That’s ok. You just have to be honest with yourself about it.

You seem to have expectations that she prioritize YOU personally. It seems that you are not dissatisfied simply because your plate is unavailable for sex at the usual frequency?

It seems you are saying you are dissatisfied because you want her to demonstrate her caring like a gf would? You wish she would make a big deal or do something for your birthday. You wish it would already be in her mind and plans. You wish you were important enough to her that she would think to skip her gym workout and instead use that time to squeeze in a visit to see YOU, not simply for sex, but to connect with you, because she cares about you. Am I understanding you correctly?

My understanding is you have 2 other plates for sex besides her. So her availability for sex is likely not the true issue because you have other options.

You mentioned that you have tried to connect with her more deeply, as I understood it, on multiple occasions and she has pulled back. I imagine that felt hard or like a bit of rejection on some level. Again, that may fall into more of what you would expect from a gf.

Along with that is the daily texting. As I said, it can lead to a misunderstanding of how important you are in someone else’s life. To one person they may think about it lots and to another it may be one of 1000 communications in their day. Maybe fun and light in their day, but necessarily as meaningful as it was to the other person. Primarily texting can lead to a false sense of connectedness. One can mistakenly assume what they feel on their end of the texting, is matched by the other, when there may be a lot of projection happening without someone even realizing it.

Again, I think texting everyday is more in line with GF/BF behavior than people simply hooking up to have sex. I think people avoid it as not to blur those lines and create misunderstandings. I get that. It’s easy to do.

Need help to understand what you actually have had with her and specifically what you want moving forward. It sounds like you want her to care for and treat you like a gf would. Is that what you want now? Is that the true reason for your upset/disappointment?

And has this woman ever brought up exclusivity with you? Have the two or you discussed it directly or indirectly or were those other plates you were speaking of previously?

What has become of your two other plates in the last few weeks? Are you still seeing/sleeping with them?

I think the lines are very blurry...it wasn't just sex. It was more like a pseudoGF type relationship...I would see her once a week roughly, and we would do stuff....sometimes make dinner together, watch shows, talk about things, have sex....spend the night...wake up the next day and make breakfast and talk some more, etc...other times we would go out places and do things, etc. Honestly we just liked spending time together.

I felt things were progressing but I also noticed that if I did something like hold her hand(I only did it twice) she would like it in the moment but then seem to back away a little bit in the days after. Almost like she is afraid of going past a certain point and letting me into her life.

I think you may be right about Valentine's Day and her being miffed a little but I also don't know what she expects from me when she hadn't seen me for 2 weeks prior. We were supposed to get together the Thursday before but work came up again and she worked til after 9. She sent me an enthusiastic Happy Valentines Day!! And asked what adventures I did with the girls as well as some stuff about her son's hockey games.

I would be up for talking to her about things and then simply walking away if I don't like what I hear but I am not sure if that is a good idea or not. I mean if someone tells you they are overwhelmed and stressed and that really is the truth, do they really need that dumped on them also?

As far as disappointment it stems more from the fact I feel that at 5 months things should be progressing forward and I feel like she has thrown the brakes on. Maybe it's because she feels she doesn't want to get more attached when she knows her life is going to get crazy or maybe because she simply isn't that interested in me to begin with. It kind of sucks because we are super compatible and we are very similar.

 

[LiveYourDream]

What about the exclusivity talk? Did you two ever have it directly or indirectly? How was it brought up and what was said?

Did she know you were seeing/sleeping with other women? Did she share that she was/is seeing other men?

Are you still seeing/sleeping with your other plates or did you lose interest in them and they fell away?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

What about the exclusivity talk? Did you two ever have it directly or indirectly? How was it brought up and what was said?

Did she know you were seeing/sleeping with other women? Did she share that she was/is seeing other men?

Are you still seeing/sleeping with your other plates or did you lose interest in them and they fell away?

We never really talked about it but on the first date she did say she only dates one man at a time.

I know she only has Thursdays and Saturdays available because she has the kids the other days. Usually I would see her one of those days. It's possible she was meeting up with other guys on those days but I never got the sense she was. She has always looked tired even when we first started seeing each other and she gets up really early to hit the gym. She is an IT dork, super smart but doesn't seem really relationship smart so to speak.

I don't get the sense she has ever lied to me but again not saying something isn't lying. Just like backing away and dropping off isn't lying. It's just not saying what is on your mind.

My preference would be to stop seeing other plates and only see her. I have seen them sporadically. For a few months I only saw her. Recently I have gone back to seeing them more due to her inaction.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I feel that at 5 months things should be progressing forward and I feel like she has thrown the brakes on

Did you two ever discuss what you two were up to in your situationship and it “progressing” into something else? Or what her relationship goals are in general and/or with you? Did you discuss yours?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Did you two ever discuss what you two were up to in your situationship and it “progressing” into something else? Or what her relationship goals are in general and/or with you? Did you discuss yours?

No we never really had that discussion. I was always under the assumption that is for her to bring up and by me bringing it up that would cause her to lose interest.

 

[EyeBRollin]

We never really talked about it but on the first date she did say she only dates one man at a time.

I know she only has Thursdays and Saturdays available because she has the kids the other days. Usually I would see her one of those days. It's possible she was meeting up with other guys on those days but I never got the sense she was. She has always looked tired even when we first started seeing each other and she gets up really early to hit the gym. She is an IT dork, super smart but doesn't seem really relationship smart so to speak.

I don't get the sense she has ever lied to me but again not saying something isn't lying. Just like backing away and dropping off isn't lying. It's just not saying what is on your mind.

My preference would be to stop seeing other plates and only see her. I have seen them sporadically. For a few months I only saw her. Recently I have gone back to seeing them more due to her inaction.

Dude, you're rationalizing.

Bottom line her actions. Bottom line is this chick is unfortunately not that interested in you. At one point she may have been, but likely not high enough if she wasn't begging for exclusivity. They make it clear when they don't want you in the arms of another woman.

It is time to move on my friend.

 

[LiveYourDream]

No we never really had that discussion. I was always under the assumption that is for her to bring up and by me bringing it up that would cause her to lose interest.

Although it’s a long shot, she could possibly be satisfied with how things have been and just truly be overwhelmed with her new schedule right now.

Bottom line is you still want/desire more caring and attention from her than ever. She is either not aware of your unexpressed needs/desires, not able to meet them, and/or not interested in meeting them.