Absolutely ridiculous situation with dating ex again

KokonutKrew

Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
27
Reaction score
7
Age
34
Surprise surprise. This is over. Hopefully you learn from this and don't let it get to your head there's thousands of fine ass women out there with more to offer.
I'm almost 100% sure she'll hit me up in a week or less. I also made sure to give her a coldish/kinda non-caring response. But this frees up the rest of my week to make solid plans with other women.

And I'm definitely posting a shirtless pic to my snap story tomorrow with the caption "happy hump day ;)". Not only will it capture the attention of the other women I'm talking to, but she'll see it and wonder why I'd post something salacious publicly when we're "dating".

Now hopefully the f*ck buddy I'm supposed to hangout with tomorrow won't flake.
 

KokonutKrew

Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
27
Reaction score
7
Age
34
Another thing I need to note is that I sometimes wonder why I'm so into her. I mean I actually feel less compatible with her than prior to the breakup for some reason. And I was in the gym with her yesterday and was kinda sorta thinking "she's not really that hot... There are other girls in here who are hotter. Am I really that into her? I could probably do better."
 

KokonutKrew

Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
27
Reaction score
7
Age
34
I dated a woman that dulled the conscience with weed before manipulating men
I've got nothing against weed except for the fact that I can't do it because of my job. And it strikes me weird that someone is doing it right before going out of a date with someone they're "dating". Like wtf is wrong with you to have to do that?
 

KokonutKrew

Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
27
Reaction score
7
Age
34
because she is being disingenuous and therefore even dating someone she knows well can cause anxiety.

My guess, she seems very humble and appreciative, tells you a lot of words of affirmation?
Sh!t honestly not a ton. The only thing I can think of is a week or so ago I posted a random face pic on my snap story and she messaged me saying "cutie". She hasn't like gone out of her way to shower me with compliments.

Post a pic if you want to, but I don't recommend doing things just to get a reaction...especially in a situation like this. Or non-situation, which is what it is now. You are not "dating."

My $.02 is that a gym body pic should be for you, because you're proud of your progress. I also think you should kick her off your social media and just stop contacting her, period. Stop wondering if she will hit you up later or whatever. If she does, you will be well-advised to ignore her, or at least brush her off because you're busy, and not make plans with her, period.

BTW the weed and the Lexapro are red flags. You should have screened her as "fukk buddy and nothing more" in those four months. I empathize with people who have mental health issues, but it can be a can of worms. Weed is fine once in a while, but she sounds like she depends on it. (EDIT: I dated a girl on antidepressants, long term, thought I could rationalize it and get around it, but it was a disaster.)

Like I said, you have work to do internally. Luckily you've inspired some fantastic posts on this thread, in only three pages so far. Don't squander it.
I only post pics to "show off". I already know I look pretty good and I've worked hard for 10-15 years to get/maintain it. I really don't need pics for myself honestly.

I also feel a slight weight off my shoulders from her flaking for some reason. You'd think I'd feel terrible.
 

BackInTheGame78

Moderator
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
14,585
Reaction score
15,702
This is something you should reflect on. Not about her - about you. Explore the reasons you are allowing yourself to bend over backwards, why you'd get so emotional over a 4 month thing, why you're continuing to think in terms of what she will do. This will help you, if you're honest with yourself.
It's tough to do, especially if you are still getting women. But the issue isn't about getting women, it is about keeping women. OP, please take it to heart that we want to try and help you in this. We pretty much have all exhibited this behavior before. We are giving you a dose of "tough love" so to speak.

I hope you take the things we are saying to heart and really do some work on yourself to correct things internally. And it will take work, maybe even a lot of work. But it IS correctable and the payoff for this is well worth it. And you might never get to the point where things are perfect in this regard but it will be much better than it currently is now. Because this situation is likely to keep occurring of you don't address it internally.
 

bcude

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 31, 2019
Messages
762
Reaction score
1,219
Age
42
She's also been on lexapro 4 years. Not sure how much it affects sex drive and emotions.
It lowers sex drive and makes you numb.
BTW the weed and the Lexapro are red flags. You should have screened her as "fukk buddy and nothing more" in those four months. I empathize with people who have mental health issues, but it can be a can of worms. Weed is fine once in a while, but she sounds like she depends on it. (EDIT: I dated a girl on antidepressants, long term, thought I could rationalize it and get around it, but it was a disaster.)
I echo this, but it's of course a personal decision for every man. I would never enter a relationship with a woman like this. Like Sam once said - avoid the unhappy and the unlucky (they will bring you down). Wise words.
 

KokonutKrew

Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
27
Reaction score
7
Age
34
Thanks for the responses. I'll take all this into account.

Also, her response to my, err, response was just "thanks".
 

spikeanut

Don Juan
Joined
Feb 9, 2016
Messages
141
Reaction score
294
@KokonutKrew
Do you know what you're avoided? I'll tell you. Personal emotional responsibility. In other words, self love.

And rather than take the time to learn to love yourself, you're desperately seeking validation from this girl and probably others. You identify with their validation so strongly because you're neglecting your emotional self and expecting them to maintain it for you.

As others have said, you are seeking to be coddled like a child by his mother.

You're like a junkie looking for his next hit of approval and attention. What you fail to realize is the most fulfilling satisfaction and approval is yours, and it comes from within.

If you keep seeing girls with your current mindset then I would argue reform and maturity will be a long and tough road for you. The women you meet will help you along by treating you like the man-child you are. They will use you, and you may even grow to resent them for it, but that resentment will only stray you further from the path of masculinity. Then one day you'll hopefully realize you should have valued yourself much more the entire time and snap out of it.

Have you stopped to ask yourself why you want to tie this or that girl down so badly? I have a feeling you don't have a good answer for this, and I'm willing to bet the real reason is because it'll make you feel more emotionally safe in life. In other words, out of fear.

Imo you are the epitome of the blue pill mindset. You are so lost from the path that you're not even asking the right questions. You're asking how to stray further from it. That is why it feels like games, and that is why you feel this is so complicated, and why you are contemplating posting on SC just to try and influence her, and why you made this thread to ask how exactly to play this. This is extremely childish and backwards.

What you need to do is stop everything and focus inward. Find hobbies you truly enjoy, work on your career, find what moves you, what you're passionate about in life(not women) and pursue that passion with all your might. In that pursuit you'll be challenged relentlessly, and in overcoming those obstacles you'll be reminded of your strength, your capacity to be successful.

That success will breed self confidence and that confidence will create conviction in your endeavors. It'll spill out into other areas of your life with your stewardship.

Call these challenges your dragons. Every day you slay them, and it's tough work, but you love it and find it extremely fulfilling and satisfying. Women are an optional joy in this state. Why would you seek fulfillment from them? Instead you will have fulfillment to share, to give.

You will have value, and will be picky with who you choose to share it with. When a woman gives you trouble or games you won't have any trouble walking away because you will already be an overflowing cup from your passions. That may be it's own challenge, learning to say no, to guard your value.

You can reform yourself, you can do it. You can become a great man that never contemplates how or what to say in order to keep a woman. It'll simply flow out of you because your mind will be saturated with abundance. It'll feel so natural, and women will be trivial.

All you have to do is take responsibility for your emotions. They are simply feedback. You don't have to identify with them, simply use them to course correct, and you will prosper.

A woman's eyes can be on a man, but the man's eyes are set on the horizon, seeking the next challenge to overcome, the next dragon to slay.

OP, you need to re-read this post and really take it to heart. EyeonthePrize really encapsulated what your personal issue truly is; you do not love yourself. You are seeking validation from her, and probably other women, in order to feel better about yourself. This explains why you're so caught up with this girl and why you chose to react and post pictures of yourself to get a reaction from her. You claim that's not the case, but it is. Everything you are doing is revolving around this girl.

This "relationship" is not salvageable. You may keep her as a FB, but the problem is you are way too emotionally devoted to her..whereas she can drop you without a second thought. You have to realize, with a woman like her, the moment you don't offer any benefit to her life, she is done with you immediately. No empathy, no feelings, no regrets. If anything, your recent outburst and crying in front of her completely disgusts her. Any reason she has for keeping you around will be for ulterior motives, so thread carefully.
 

BackInTheGame78

Moderator
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
14,585
Reaction score
15,702
Thanks for the responses. I'll take all this into account.

Also, her response to my, err, response was just "thanks".
Predictable. You killed any attraction she may have had then backed up the car and ran over it a few more times for good measure to make sure it was dead.
 

bat soup

Master Don Juan
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
4,261
Reaction score
4,762
Age
44
I know you cringed at the topic title, and I'm sorry guys, but you're going to cringe again reading some of this.

So ~3 months ago my ex dumped me. We dated for 4 months, 3 exclusive, and she essentially used me as a rebound then dumped me telling me she didn't have strong enough feelings and wasn't over her ex (they didn't get back together--he moved out of state after their breakup). It was rough as I had VERY strong feelings for her. I would even say I fell in love with her.

So fast forward 2.5 months after the dumping and I get a text from her asking how I'm doing. We make some small talk, then set up a date for wine and a fire at my place over the weekend. A couple days later (and a couple days from our date) she hits me up asking if I want to come hangout. I agree and when I go over it's obvious she has booty called me. She's in a nightgown, I smell weed, she's playing romantic-ish music, lights are dimmed, etc. We end up having sex and I leave right after because she's "tired". I mean nothing but a booty call.

So our weekend date night rolls around and here's where it becomes a mess. The first hour is great. Wine, fire, laughs, etc... At some point I ask her if she was able to work through the "issues" she had before and if she's "better" now (issues as in not being over her ex and not being ready to date). She tells me she is better now. I also ask why she decided to hit me up, and her response was "I just wanted to hangout and see where it would go/what would happen" or something like that--implying that she wants to give "us" another shot and IS now ready to date seriously. Then we start hooking up, I'm turned on at first, then start feeling weird about it all and lose my excitedness. I tell her I'm feeling weird and she asks why. Cringe warning: I pretty much broke down, and I told her how I was in love with her, that she broke my heart, and how last few months were sh!tty because of it. While I'm telling her this she has her head on my shoulder and is rubbing my back. She then says "how about we take it slow, act like we never dated and start new?" I agree. Then she asks me when I'm free next week, says we should do dinner, and we schedule it for saturday. We then watch TV for a little bit, and believe it or not I say we should lay down in my bedroom, she agrees, and we end up having sex. We cuddle and talk for a bit after, and she returns the "breaking down" favor by breaking down while telling me about how her parents are recently separated and are getting divorced. Ha. Before she leaves I propose we hangout wednesday too and she agrees.

On wednesday I go to her place after work and we have dinner and watch a movie. I start making a move on her (as in going past kissing) and she stops me and reiterates how she's serious about taking it slow because it helps her connect more emotionally and asks if I'm okay with that. I say I am and not much else happens that night.

Saturday we go to the gym together, then later go out to dinner. Dinner was just her and I, but after dinner one of her GF's met up with us for a couple drinks. After drinks I drive us back to her place and as I'm looking for a parking spot she says "actually don't worry about parking. I'm having lunch with my nephew tomorrow so I have to go to bed. You can just drop me off." I mean, she usually goes to bed at like 9 and it was past 10, so fair enough I guess, but damn. I end up parking anyways, say we should hangout tuesday (tomorrow), she agrees, then I walk her to her apartment door, give her a goodnight kiss and that's it.

Obviously this is a total f*cking mess. I'm cool with "taking it slow" for a little while if it truly helps her build an emotional connection, but it feels weird considering we have 4 months of history and the first two hangouts after reconnecting we hooked up (the first being a straight up booty call by her too). It feels like a step backwards rather than forwards to me. I'm thinking tomorrow I'm not going try and set up a subsequent date, and I'm going to see if she'll chase me instead.

But how the hell should I play this?
To me she comes across as selfish, bossy and untrustworthy. "Taking it slow" translates to her doing whatever the hell she wants whenever she feels like it.

She's probably banging several other guys. You're best to just enjoy it whilst it lasts and not get serious about her.
 

BackInTheGame78

Moderator
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
14,585
Reaction score
15,702
To me she comes across as selfish, bossy and untrustworthy. "Taking it slow" translates to her doing whatever the hell she wants whenever she feels like it.

She's probably banging several other guys. You're best to just enjoy it whilst it lasts and not get serious about her.
What is she supposed to say "You are acting so unattractive right now and I am disgusted by this weak behavior"?

I mean c'mon man...it was in response to cringey behavior from a guy who she was used to seeing cringey behavior from in the past. If you want to reignite something with an ex she has to see that some part of you is different, or else why would she want to go back to someone she already left once?

These are types of things women say because they are not confrontational and are not going to say the real reason. They expect guys to "get it"
 
Last edited:

Reyaj

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 19, 2002
Messages
3,231
Reaction score
378
Age
46
Location
Northern CALI USA
The only exception I would make on this is casual LDR type flings that move on. Otherwise, its really just taking back a cheater, I don't care how they frame it.

Have an interesting situation now with a LDR type with potential for more...essentially we hooked up and then didn't do anything for months...later on, we hung out but she didn't want casual sex with me bc she was hung up on someone else and gave me intense hot and cold...came back later when that ended. I'm considering it but I have a feeling Im not her first choice.
I'd definitely relegate that girl to a booty call. Maybe I'm narcissistic but I'd never want to devote the best of me to someone who has someone else higher on her score list. This THREAD is always a great re-read @Desdinova
 

sph21

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Oct 27, 2013
Messages
279
Reaction score
179
Age
42
I'm not sure if you'd read Pook's 15 lessons.

Lesson Eleven
...

“Getting a girl is not the success.”

“Pook! Whatever do you mean by this?”

“Most guys still think like women. They think that by sleeping with lots of women, by having a girlfriend, or by having a wife means they are successful with women.”

“You mean that ‘beggars can’t be choosers.’ You mean for guys to PICK the girl rather than the other way around.”

“You’re closer and that is true. But women date for all sorts of reasons. They marry for all sorts of reasons. They sleep with you for all sorts of reasons. To the addition of the above, you want to find a woman that is interested in YOU.”

...

Pook shook his head. “When you aim at something long term, you need to make sure the woman like you. Just because she dates you, sleeps with you, and yes, even MARRIES you does not mean she likes you.”
Stop rationalizing that by sleeping with you, she's definitely super interested in you. Women can be so manipulative if you let them have everything they want from you.

Success cannot be getting a girl because that means failure is being alone. No. Failure is being in an unhappy marriage or a relationship where she has no true interest in you.”

“So the focus must be on you, including her interest?”

“Right. Drop the ‘getting a girl is success’ mantra and you will never be DUMPED.”
Being single is not bad. It can mean that you won't tolerate being used by women which has no true interest in you.

=========================================
Listen to Pook once more. This time, it's taken from Be a Man!
Once the ladies calm themselves after being in the presence of a Pook, I ask them, "Ladies! Do tell me, what do you define as a Man?"

With devilish tongues, the women answer:

"A Man is someone sensitive to me."
"A Man is the guy who will take care of my needs."
"A Man is the one that is in tune with my feelings."
"A Man is one who doesn't have an ego."
"A Man is the guy who will sit and watch chick flicks all day with me."
"A Man is the guy who will go shopping with me."
"A Man is the guy who will share all his feelings with me."

Such are the common answers! The males listen and actualize what the women say. They are constantly declared 'sweet' and 'wonderful' and 'nice', oh 'so nice'. Mothers and older women are proud of them and tell them, "If I were younger, I would go for you!"

Poor Nice Guy! The women his own age avoid him like the plague and jump for the jerks. The Nice Guy becomes an emotional tampon to be used and discarded. The Nice Guy, being so nice and sweet, listens to the woman vomit her feelings about men and bleed her problems of her boyfriend on him. He listens with baited hope when he hears, "Oh, why can't guys be like you! You listen and understand." Then she turns around and gets abused by another jerk! The vicious cycle repeats again and again.

Why are women acting in this way?

They are simply acting as women do, as in their nature. The problem is not with them, it is with guys. We are afraid to embrace OUR nature, that of being a Man. Being in a culture that sees Manhood as predatory and oppressive and uncouth, we cover it up within ourselves. By doing so, we hide our sexuality. (Sexuality! Do I mean rock hard abs and rippling muscles? That is not what women find sexy [it's a contributing factor, not the core]. A type of PERSONALITY is what women are looking for. Someone they can depend on [has backbone], someone who will be successful [has ambition], and someone who is decisive [has charge]. Nice guys have no backbone because they think women are frail things that will break in confrontation; nice guys reveal no ambition because they fear being seen as arrogant to women; nice guys are afraid to be decisive for fear of being seen as 'oppressive'.)
What I put on bold and italic above is what you did wrong with her. Never let her talk about her past relationship.

What I put on only bold is what you must try to achieve.

You can show your sexiness without showing your muscles. Showing your post workout shirtless selfie can hurt you if all you're good at is lifting weights. Women want more than that.
 

KokonutKrew

Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
27
Reaction score
7
Age
34
I also didn't cvm either of the two times we had sex. Wouldn't be surprised if she got offended or felt insecure about it.
 

BackInTheGame78

Moderator
Joined
Sep 10, 2014
Messages
14,585
Reaction score
15,702
I'd definitely relegate that girl to a booty call. Maybe I'm narcissistic but I'd never want to devote the best of me to someone who has someone else higher on her score list. This THREAD is always a great re-read @Desdinova
OP has way too strong feelings for this woman to ever be able to handle that.
 

KokonutKrew

Don Juan
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
27
Reaction score
7
Age
34
OP has way too strong feelings for this woman to ever be able to handle that.
I respect the other advice and tough love in this topic, but you're just a straight up kvnt. You're obviously pretty damn miserable yourself and have some issues of your own to work out.
 
Top