I was the rebound guy, What can I do now?

[Jango_88]

I have a really bad situation right now. I met this girl 3 months ago on Tinder and we connected right away. She came out of a longterm relationship of 8 years. They broke up in January and I met her in April. She is 23 and I am 30.

We had a very beautiful relationship in these 3 months and I met her family and friends in this time and she met also my family and friends. In this time we have never spoken about a relationship but it felt we were exlcusive, we even wanted to go to holidays this summer in august. She was a very caring and loving person, when we were together she always wanted to kiss me or hold my hand etc i front of her friends etc.

In our relationship she was talking every now and then about her ex and there were times where she drifted off emotionally and couldnt sleep sometimes next to me and was awake all night. There was even a time where her ex told her friends, that if he sees me hes gonna punch me ^^ I said no problem he can come and try. He is 23 as well. He even saw me once but decided to leave then. They still have common friends.

Basically what happened now is she started to pull away the last 2 weeks. Didnt response quickly to my messages and was all in all weird. So I pulled back as well. I didnt text her anymore. She had her exams last week from monday to friday. So I only wrote her that I wish her all the best luck for her exams and she thanked me and said that she would like to talk to me and I said okay lets talk when you are done with your exams.

Yesterday a friend of mine found her on Tinder (with new pictures of herself that she took while we were together).
I kept my cool and asked her yesterday "Hey quick question, since when are you on tinder again?"

This is the conversation we had afterwards:

Her "I downloaded it out of boredom while I studied for my exams, but I told you that I would have never met someone before I would end this up with you and that is also why I am not going to meet anyone. But this is also the reason that I wanted to talk to you. I had this feeling that there is no more spark between us.

me "no problem, good that you are mentioning this. I felt anyway that something is wrong."

Her "I felt also no interest from you, you didnt really give me the feeling that I am important to you. (((THIS IS COMPLETE BS)))

Me "I think havent done anything wrong and the only reason why I pulled away is because I knew something is wrong with you. I think you have no interest and I am not the problem I feel."

Her "I Wouldnt say no interest. I have liked you from the start and you are a great guy, but I told you from the get go that I first have to think about my life where I want to be. I am very confused and I have to get my **** together and it was getting too much between us, even when I enjoyed being with you."

Me "But I told you always from the start that I dont have the feeling that you are ready for someone new because you broke up recently from your ex. I always told you that I have doubts with you. ((( I wasnt the one in the start that wanted a relationship and I always told her this, )))

Her "I wanted to explain this to you again. I wanted to actually talk this in person with you but I will write it now. Right now I am in a very difficult phase in my life and I dont really know where I should go or belong with myself, I feel lost. But its important that that I look after my self. I feel so sorry that everything came like this and I never meant to hurt you. I wish you all the best."

Me "We can talk personally the last time if you want because there are some things that I would like to tell you and I dont want to write it."

Her "Dont know if its better when we see us, maybe its better to leave it like that"

Me "You never hurt me, but I think its really ridiculous to speak this on Whatsapp. We were together for 3 months and breaking up over the phone?"

Her "We can meet from tomorrow on I am again at home so we can meet and speak if you want."

Me "okay Ill let u know.


I didnt write her eversince Its been over a week now. We wanted to meet, but I decided to not text her anymore and not meet her. The problem is, I really miss her. She wasnt even that hot, but I really miss her loving personality. Did anyone of you have the same experience with being a rebound, where she came back eventually?

I really think it has to do something with the ex. Otherwise why would someone out of nowhere break up a beautiful relationship?

I feel like I was too responsive during our relationship. too focused on her, but it was mutual. We both were responsive. But I think all in all it was a fault that I was responsive. During her exams I even supported her by saying, "life is too short to be angry and sad. Look forward and study for your exams otherwise your not going to make it." And she always said you are so good for me.

Should I text her a last message or even meet up with her or stay completely silent? IF text then I thought about something like:
"Totally forgot to text you, I didnt want this to end this way but I respect your decision. I enjoyed being with you, but I am not interested to be your emotional sponge. Enjoy your life. If you change your mind let me know. Take care." Or is it too needy if I text? What would you do if you were me?

 

[andreihaha]

I have a really bad situation right now. I met this girl 3 months ago on Tinder and we connected right away. She came out of a longterm relationship of 8 years. They broke up in January and I met her in April. She is 23 and I am 30.

We had a very beautiful relationship in these 3 months and I met her family and friends in this time and she met also my family and friends. In this time we have never spoken about a relationship but it felt we were exlcusive, we even wanted to go to holidays this summer in august. She was a very caring and loving person, when we were together she always wanted to kiss me or hold my hand etc i front of her friends etc.

In our relationship she was talking every now and then about her ex and there were times where she drifted off emotionally and couldnt sleep sometimes next to me and was awake all night. There was even a time where her ex told her friends, that if he sees me hes gonna punch me ^^ I said no problem he can come and try. He is 23 as well. He even saw me once but decided to leave then. They still have common friends.

Basically what happened now is she started to pull away the last 2 weeks. Didnt response quickly to my messages and was all in all weird. So I pulled back as well. I didnt text her anymore. She had her exams last week from monday to friday. So I only wrote her that I wish her all the best luck for her exams and she thanked me and said that she would like to talk to me and I said okay lets talk when you are done with your exams.

Yesterday a friend of mine found her on Tinder (with new pictures of herself that she took while we were together).
I kept my cool and asked her yesterday "Hey quick question, since when are you on tinder again?"

This is the conversation we had afterwards:

Her "I downloaded it out of boredom while I studied for my exams, but I told you that I would have never met someone before I would end this up with you and that is also why I am not going to meet anyone. But this is also the reason that I wanted to talk to you. I had this feeling that there is no more spark between us.

me "no problem, good that you are mentioning this. I felt anyway that something is wrong."

Her "I felt also no interest from you, you didnt really give me the feeling that I am important to you. (((THIS IS COMPLETE BS)))

Me "I think havent done anything wrong and the only reason why I pulled away is because I knew something is wrong with you. I think you have no interest and I am not the problem I feel."

Her "I Wouldnt say no interest. I have liked you from the start and you are a great guy, but I told you from the get go that I first have to think about my life where I want to be. I am very confused and I have to get my **** together and it was getting too much between us, even when I enjoyed being with you."

Me "But I told you always from the start that I dont have the feeling that you are ready for someone new because you broke up recently from your ex. I always told you that I have doubts with you. ((( I wasnt the one in the start that wanted a relationship and I always told her this, )))

Her "I wanted to explain this to you again. I wanted to actually talk this in person with you but I will write it now. Right now I am in a very difficult phase in my life and I dont really know where I should go or belong with myself, I feel lost. But its important that that I look after my self. I feel so sorry that everything came like this and I never meant to hurt you. I wish you all the best."

Me "We can talk personally the last time if you want because there are some things that I would like to tell you and I dont want to write it."

Her "Dont know if its better when we see us, maybe its better to leave it like that"

Me "You never hurt me, but I think its really ridiculous to speak this on Whatsapp. We were together for 3 months and breaking up over the phone?"

Her "We can meet from tomorrow on I am again at home so we can meet and speak if you want."

Me "okay Ill let u know.


I didnt write her eversince Its been over a week now. We wanted to meet, but I decided to not text her anymore and not meet her. The problem is, I really miss her. She wasnt even that hot, but I really miss her loving personality. Did anyone of you have the same experience with being a rebound, where she came back eventually?

I really think it has to do something with the ex. Otherwise why would someone out of nowhere break up a beautiful relationship?

I feel like I was too responsive during our relationship. too focused on her, but it was mutual. We both were responsive. But I think all in all it was a fault that I was responsive. During her exams I even supported her by saying, "life is too short to be angry and sad. Look forward and study for your exams otherwise your not going to make it." And she always said you are so good for me.

Should I text her a last message or even meet up with her or stay completely silent? IF text then I thought about something like:
"Totally forgot to text you, I didnt want this to end this way but I respect your decision. I enjoyed being with you, but I am not interested to be your emotional sponge. If you change your mind let me know. Take care." Or is it too needy if I text?

This text you want to send shows that you're quite butthurt by how things went. And it would do quite the opposite of what you're trying to achieve.
Most relationships you have at 23 y.o. don't work in the end. I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. And I doubt there's a good way to change her mind, from what you write it looks like in her eyes, you two are done with each other.

Do you still hang out in her circle? You could just bring a hotter woman around her on a date. Your ex doesn't even have to be there, if one of her friends sees this, she'll hear about it and might reconsider her decision. Or you can simply have a happy life with said date.
I do consider that this would be kind of a morally grey area action.

Probably the best thing to do, as hard as it is, is to move on. An old relationship dies, a new one is born. Fair trade.

 

[Jango_88]

This text you want to send shows that you're quite butthurt by how things went. And it would do quite the opposite of what you're trying to achieve.
Most relationships you have at 23 y.o. don't work in the end. I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. And I doubt there's a good way to change her mind, from what you write it looks like in her eyes, you two are done with each other.

Do you still hang out in her circle? You could just bring a hotter woman around her on a date. Your ex doesn't even have to be there, if one of her friends sees this, she'll hear about it and might reconsider her decision. Or you can simply have a happy life with said date.
I do consider that this would be kind of a morally grey area action.

Probably the best thing to do, as hard as it is, is to move on. An old relationship dies, a new one is born. Fair trade.

Unfortunately we dont have the same friend circle. all her friends, including her following me on social media and checking out the stuff I post. Thats all. I thought maybe uploading a picture with a hot woman to get an emotional spark out of her.

The weird thing is also 3 weeks ago I had birthday and she posted a picture from us two on social media. One week later she is breaking up. I dont get it. She probably wanted to make her ex boyfriend jealous.

What could I write that doesnt let me sound heartbroken, but leaving the door open towards her?
What If text : Hey was busy so I couldnt text you. I dont want you under this circumstances too. If you change your mind let me know. Take care.

 

[backseatjuan]

How about meet other chicks?

 

[Jango_88]

I am meeting other chicks, but I really miss this girls personality. I havent got along with a person like this for years guys...

 

[backseatjuan]

As for she is a dishonest btch not worth a dime.

 

[HyenaPrince]

Her "I Wouldnt say no interest.

Yes, she means no interest. She most likely found another guy. You were a rebound, as you said. She felt limerence towards you right after her breakup. You were something fresh and new. It was exciting. After she got her dopamine fix you lost your value to her.

Her "We can meet from tomorrow on I am again at home so we can meet and speak if you want."

If YOU want?! She's basically telling you it's only out of courtesy. She doesn't want to see you. She hopes that you'll be satisfied after this last meeting and then stay away.

This chick is 23 and was in a relationship for 8 years? That means she literally spent her childhood and even early adulthood with this guy. She doesn't know sh*t about romance or the dating life. She's probably thrilled about finally having the chance to just enjoy a new guy every week. Difficult phase in her life? Please. How difficult can it be all of a sudden after 3 months? It wasn't difficult when you were the new guy.

Women always find the time and energy to entertain a man. IF he's interesting and attractive enough to them. Don't be fooled. Sign up on the major dating apps right now! And then go and enjoy the world, my friend.

 

[Jango_88]

The thing is her sister is 2 years older than her and also has a 2 year old kid with her boyfriend (together for 6 years). I didnt get the feeling that she wants to bang around to be honest.

How can I get this girl at least to fuc.k? I dont want her to know that I am relationship focussed. I know you are all saying I should go and f*ck other women but I in the meantime I want to re attract this woman as needy as it sounds, so it doesnt help me to say f'ck other women

 

[HyenaPrince]

The thing is her sister is 2 years older than her and also has a 2 year old kid with her boyfriend (together for 6 years). I didnt get the feeling that she wants to **** around to be honest.

How can I get this girl at least to ****? I dont want her to know that I am relationship focused.

Slap yourself three times and then go f*ck a hot woman.

 

[andreihaha]

Unfortunately we dont have the same friend circle. all her friends, including her following me on social media and checking out the stuff I post. Thats all. I thought maybe uploading a picture with a hot woman to get an emotional spark out of her.

The weird thing is also 3 weeks ago I had birthday and she posted a picture from us two on social media. One week later she is breaking up. I dont get it. She probably wanted to make her ex boyfriend jealous.

What could I write that doesnt let me sound heartbroken, but leaving the door open towards her?
What If text : Hey was busy so I couldnt text you. I dont want you under this circumstances too. If you change your mind let me know. Take care.

That's even more butthurt and passive(or beta if you may).
She probably didn't want to break up with you on your birthday.

The maximum I'd say is "Hey, been pretty busy lately. I don't really see a reason to meet and talk nonsense. If you want to go out to have a drink and some fun, casually, I'm up for that."
Any other response than a yes should be followed by a "Best of luck" and never looking back.

I am meeting other chicks, but I really miss this girls personality. I havent got along with a person like this for years guys...

You are not meeting enough women to find enough that are suitable for you. You know this yourself, friend.

Sign up on the major dating apps right now! And then go and enjoy the world, my friend.

I'm almost always against online dating, but this seems like a good time for that. A lot of women in this corona age, and the added benefit of her and her friends seeing you there, NOT THAT YOU CARE.

 

[Jango_88]

Ok I have decided that I will remain silent. Whatever I write now will make her think that I am not over it. I think its better to put her in a state of uncertainty and to keep the I dont give a damn mentality..

 

[Jango_88]

Ignore her. If she reaches be very distant until she is chasing hard.
Do not talk relationship with her. Shes off of an LTR.
If she is going to plate.. let her do it. She will let you know

What does it mean "If she is going to plate" sorry my english is not that good.

 

[Toddz]

Your problem is (and with most guys that meet a new girl) is that you moved too quickly with her. It's a combination of too much time together, familiarity, and communication. That conversation you provided is a prime example. All of that is unnecessary. I have learned, from dating hundreds of women over the years, is that less is always better. Less attention, less feelings, less communication, less logic, less emotion, less giving a fu$k. She pulls back and becomes distant? Don't care had sex. You literally need to always have a idgaf attitude. The bottom line is every woman is replaceable. And while they may be going through some emotion bs you should be already out finding another soldier.

It's too deep to keep her as a F-buddy. You already crossed that line by trying to have a lengthy and logical conversation with her.

 

[Caelum]

You don't have a life with her, you don't have kids, not a house, car, bank loans etc. You've dated for 3 months. You're basically creating an issue wich does not exist.

Go out with your friends, sign up to tinder or something and soon she wont even be dust in your mind.

 

[andreihaha]

What does it mean "If she is going to plate" sorry my english is not that good.

It means seeing her just like one of the few plates of food you have at your disposal. Get her washed, use her. Get the next one.
plates=girls you're seeing at the same time. No exclusivity involved.

 

[Jango_88]

It means that she is just for secs. And plates spin themselves.
Not sure it you have read the Rational Male but i highly recomend you check it out.
It sounds like you have a grasp already but Rollos way of explaining will open up some perspective for you. Good luck

I have read the book of Corey wayne that I have liked a lot, but I will look into rational male as well. thank you

 

[dude99]

I have a really bad situation right now. I met this girl 3 months ago on Tinder and we connected right away. She came out of a longterm relationship of 8 years. They broke up in January and I met her in April. She is 23 and I am 30.

We had a very beautiful relationship in these 3 months and I met her family and friends in this time and she met also my family and friends. In this time we have never spoken about a relationship but it felt we were exlcusive, we even wanted to go to holidays this summer in august. She was a very caring and loving person, when we were together she always wanted to kiss me or hold my hand etc i front of her friends etc.

In our relationship she was talking every now and then about her ex and there were times where she drifted off emotionally and couldnt sleep sometimes next to me and was awake all night. There was even a time where her ex told her friends, that if he sees me hes gonna punch me ^^ I said no problem he can come and try. He is 23 as well. He even saw me once but decided to leave then. They still have common friends.

Basically what happened now is she started to pull away the last 2 weeks. Didnt response quickly to my messages and was all in all weird. So I pulled back as well. I didnt text her anymore. She had her exams last week from monday to friday. So I only wrote her that I wish her all the best luck for her exams and she thanked me and said that she would like to talk to me and I said okay lets talk when you are done with your exams.

Yesterday a friend of mine found her on Tinder (with new pictures of herself that she took while we were together).
I kept my cool and asked her yesterday "Hey quick question, since when are you on tinder again?"

This is the conversation we had afterwards:

Her "I downloaded it out of boredom while I studied for my exams, but I told you that I would have never met someone before I would end this up with you and that is also why I am not going to meet anyone. But this is also the reason that I wanted to talk to you. I had this feeling that there is no more spark between us.

me "no problem, good that you are mentioning this. I felt anyway that something is wrong."

Her "I felt also no interest from you, you didnt really give me the feeling that I am important to you. (((THIS IS COMPLETE BS)))

Me "I think havent done anything wrong and the only reason why I pulled away is because I knew something is wrong with you. I think you have no interest and I am not the problem I feel."

Her "I Wouldnt say no interest. I have liked you from the start and you are a great guy, but I told you from the get go that I first have to think about my life where I want to be. I am very confused and I have to get my **** together and it was getting too much between us, even when I enjoyed being with you."

Me "But I told you always from the start that I dont have the feeling that you are ready for someone new because you broke up recently from your ex. I always told you that I have doubts with you. ((( I wasnt the one in the start that wanted a relationship and I always told her this, )))

Her "I wanted to explain this to you again. I wanted to actually talk this in person with you but I will write it now. Right now I am in a very difficult phase in my life and I dont really know where I should go or belong with myself, I feel lost. But its important that that I look after my self. I feel so sorry that everything came like this and I never meant to hurt you. I wish you all the best."

Me "We can talk personally the last time if you want because there are some things that I would like to tell you and I dont want to write it."

Her "Dont know if its better when we see us, maybe its better to leave it like that"

Me "You never hurt me, but I think its really ridiculous to speak this on Whatsapp. We were together for 3 months and breaking up over the phone?"

Her "We can meet from tomorrow on I am again at home so we can meet and speak if you want."

Me "okay Ill let u know.


I didnt write her eversince Its been over a week now. We wanted to meet, but I decided to not text her anymore and not meet her. The problem is, I really miss her. She wasnt even that hot, but I really miss her loving personality. Did anyone of you have the same experience with being a rebound, where she came back eventually?

I really think it has to do something with the ex. Otherwise why would someone out of nowhere break up a beautiful relationship?

I feel like I was too responsive during our relationship. too focused on her, but it was mutual. We both were responsive. But I think all in all it was a fault that I was responsive. During her exams I even supported her by saying, "life is too short to be angry and sad. Look forward and study for your exams otherwise your not going to make it." And she always said you are so good for me.

Should I text her a last message or even meet up with her or stay completely silent? IF text then I thought about something like:
"Totally forgot to text you, I didnt want this to end this way but I respect your decision. I enjoyed being with you, but I am not interested to be your emotional sponge. Enjoy your life. If you change your mind let me know. Take care." Or is it too needy if I text? What would you do if you were me?

Just move on. Anything from now on would only be a waste of time and waste of breath.

 

[RangerMIke]

When a woman isn't 'feeling it' there is nothing you can do about it. Trying to get a woman to rationally explain her emotional decision making is like insisting that she answer you in a language she doesn't understand.

The truth is she has no idea why she isn't feeling it. But one thing is certain, the only thing worst than getting rejected by a woman you really like, is 'winning over' a chick that isn't feeling it... as she goes through the motions of pretending.

One other thing... women need a lot of time to get over an ex. It is almost a given that the next 2-3 people she dates will not work out. And now I will tell you why... She was in that relationship because she was attracted to that dude... what ever he was or did was what she wants. After she breaks with him, her knee jerk response will be to do a 180 and date men that are nothing like him. The problem is that someone that is completely different from her ex REALLY isn't what she is attracted to... after she jerks around with a bunch of dudes that are completely different from the guy she dated... she will eventually either go back to the ex.. or find someone that is just like him because that is what she really wants.

 

[Jango_88]

When a woman isn't 'feeling it' there is nothing you can do about it. Trying to get a woman to rationally explain her emotional decision making is like insisting that she answer you in a language she doesn't understand.

The truth is she has no idea why she isn't feeling it. But one thing is certain, the only thing worst than getting rejected by a woman you really like, is 'winning over' a chick that isn't feeling it... as she goes through the motions of pretending.

One other thing... women need a lot of time to get over an ex. It is almost a given that the next 2-3 people she dates will not work out. And now I will tell you why... She was in that relationship because she was attracted to that dude... what ever he was or did was what she wants. After she breaks with him, her knee jerk response will be to do a 180 and date men that are nothing like him. The problem is that someone that is completely different from her ex REALLY isn't what she is attracted to... after she jerks around with a bunch of dudes that are completely different from the guy she dated... she will eventually either go back to the ex.. or find someone that is just like him because that is what she really wants.

it may sound very stupid, but I have a lot in common with her ex. She said to me that somehow she feels attracted to guys like her ex and she doesnt know why. With similarities I mean the stuff we are doing in our lifes, that I cant share with you unfortunately. I think at core she was definitely attracted to me otherwise we wouldnt have hung out so often in these 3 months. And I am really glad that I havent chased her, after she broke up with me, so I still maintained my self respect, otherwise she woudlnt respect me as a man either, if I chased her. I am definitely not going to write her again. If she will reach out, fine, if not then its over for me anyway.

 

[Jango_88]

OP, the unfortunate fact is you were a rebound and she was not over her ex.

There is nothing wrong with you developing feelings for an otherwise nice girl. But obviously she is "confused." Girls on the rebound often try to mimic these little relationship behaviors when they're really just not ready for it again. They think they need to be in one (women hate being alone) but emotionally they are just a mess. Usually they switch gears from your situation to a spin on the carousel. It's just how it is and it's not your fault. All you need to do is look at her actions: Pulled back, got back on Tinder. That's all the info you need.

I'll say that there are two tacks you can take. One is to just let it be and forget her. She'll come sniffing around eventually....maybe. But forget her for your own sake and have fun with other girls.

Two is you can say to her "I like you a lot but you're obviously in a different head space. I get it and that's cool. Maybe down the road we can be friends." Yep, I said 'friends.' Give her a soft friend zoning. But note: I would only say this to her in a state of total outcome independence and frame. You sound truly sad about it not working out (okay to admit it) so it's probably better to just stay silent.

thanks for your help. I dont really want her to think that I am sad. She thought that I am sad. Thats not what I want her to think. So thats why I questioned if its right when I remain silent, because I DONT want her to think that I am sad.