RicBoy
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2016
- Messages
- 534
- Reaction score
- 139
- Age
- 42
I contacted "dating guy" from youtube, he seems to be very knowledgeable. I sent him my story, told him I'm now 2,5 months no contact, sent him msgs between me and my ex, emails, etc etc. I told him all including that email I wanted to send her today. He replied this bellow:
"Hey Ricardo ,
Thanks for your email and sorry you are going through this.
No, do not send another apology. There comes a point where you have to stop yourself. I know that it does not look good right now, as she has a lot of resentment, but she becomes angrier because you are trying to coerce her into seeing you or hearing you out. If you think that she needed more space within the relationship, then she needs even more now. I understand months have passed but if you keep messaging her, it makes her lose respect for you. I know that you did several things wrong and you want to apologize... but for the initial moment of pushing her on the bed, that was not respecting her when she says no, and then when you force the bathroom door open, this creates a pattern. Then you use your son's phone to message her. This all showcases a lack of consideration for what she wants.
It is not about what you want her to want, it is about what she does already want. If you cannot respect that, then she will not see you as a worthy candidate for her romantically ever again.
A lot of damage has been done, but that does not mean you need to apologize again. It's not something that goes away by you apologizing. Instead of saying you are sorry, respect her choice by not messaging her. That will make her respect you more. Not contacting can be a form of communication, but it leaves it more up to her imagination, which is important.
I understand that your life is better now and you want her to see that. But that is you projecting onto her. You think the reason she does not want you is that you are (1) not sorry enough, and (2) did not have a job. But that is your reasons, not hers. She does not want to be with you because you won't respect her boundaries and thus she has lost respect for you. The more desperate you become the less chance of reattracting her in the future.
I think that she has begun to symbolize something to you more than she means something. By getting her back you will feel vindicated for everything that happened which you feel bad about, as well as having her validate that you have a job now and turned your life around. Good for you! But your intense interest in getting her back is not a benefit to you.
You see Ricardo, there is a study from 2011 called 'He Loves me, He Loves me Not...' and what this study concluded was that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are ambiguous. What that means is that although she may know you are attracted to her, she does not know if you want a relationship with her or not. This puts her in competition with the rest of the women in the world as you have your sights possibly focused elsewhere. Even if these women are purely theoretical, being less "sure" of wanting a commitment yet, indicates higher value as you are seeming like she may not be the best you can do. Whereas if you chase and beg for her back, you are communicating that she is the best you can do, which is a turn off to her. Let her admire you from afar. Hearing that you are doing well through your son and others is better than you telling her you are. Let the Fading Affect Bias take place so that she forgives you with time. If she messages, seem less interested, be light but not focused on your relationship or commitment, at all!
When you message her, you remind her what you did wrong, again, and then you feed her ego and let her know you are waiting on the sidelines.
No more. Move on and date others. If she still has any interest, she will warm to you herself over time. If she does not, then your messaging only pushes her further away and you get closer to a restraining order than a date.
So for now Ricardo, you need to continue to heal and move on... Spend time with friends, exercise, date others, go for walks in nature, focus on your career, try new things and meet new people. The reason I want you to try new things and meet new people is that by doing the same things you are re-treading the same water and recycling the same thought patterns. By trying new things you are embracing the present tense and realizing the future is an endless list of exciting possibilities that you are participating in. It makes the past seem less relevant and helps you gain perspective of who you are, what you had in your last relationship and what your future could and should look like.
Best wishes,
DG"
I told him what should I do when my son moves here in August, when I drop him at her place for play dates with her daughter if i should stay in the car or take. My son to her doorstep. His response bellow:
"Yeah be more aloof as if you don't care, seem at peace and light, but not focused on her exclusively. Some days you go to the door, but some days you don't. You are more unpredictable. And when you do engage, it's light, but short... leave her wanting more.
Over time, that is more likely going to lead to her inviting you in when you come to her doorstep than you trying to coerce her into giving you another chance."
"Hey Ricardo ,
Thanks for your email and sorry you are going through this.
No, do not send another apology. There comes a point where you have to stop yourself. I know that it does not look good right now, as she has a lot of resentment, but she becomes angrier because you are trying to coerce her into seeing you or hearing you out. If you think that she needed more space within the relationship, then she needs even more now. I understand months have passed but if you keep messaging her, it makes her lose respect for you. I know that you did several things wrong and you want to apologize... but for the initial moment of pushing her on the bed, that was not respecting her when she says no, and then when you force the bathroom door open, this creates a pattern. Then you use your son's phone to message her. This all showcases a lack of consideration for what she wants.
It is not about what you want her to want, it is about what she does already want. If you cannot respect that, then she will not see you as a worthy candidate for her romantically ever again.
A lot of damage has been done, but that does not mean you need to apologize again. It's not something that goes away by you apologizing. Instead of saying you are sorry, respect her choice by not messaging her. That will make her respect you more. Not contacting can be a form of communication, but it leaves it more up to her imagination, which is important.
I understand that your life is better now and you want her to see that. But that is you projecting onto her. You think the reason she does not want you is that you are (1) not sorry enough, and (2) did not have a job. But that is your reasons, not hers. She does not want to be with you because you won't respect her boundaries and thus she has lost respect for you. The more desperate you become the less chance of reattracting her in the future.
I think that she has begun to symbolize something to you more than she means something. By getting her back you will feel vindicated for everything that happened which you feel bad about, as well as having her validate that you have a job now and turned your life around. Good for you! But your intense interest in getting her back is not a benefit to you.
You see Ricardo, there is a study from 2011 called 'He Loves me, He Loves me Not...' and what this study concluded was that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are ambiguous. What that means is that although she may know you are attracted to her, she does not know if you want a relationship with her or not. This puts her in competition with the rest of the women in the world as you have your sights possibly focused elsewhere. Even if these women are purely theoretical, being less "sure" of wanting a commitment yet, indicates higher value as you are seeming like she may not be the best you can do. Whereas if you chase and beg for her back, you are communicating that she is the best you can do, which is a turn off to her. Let her admire you from afar. Hearing that you are doing well through your son and others is better than you telling her you are. Let the Fading Affect Bias take place so that she forgives you with time. If she messages, seem less interested, be light but not focused on your relationship or commitment, at all!
When you message her, you remind her what you did wrong, again, and then you feed her ego and let her know you are waiting on the sidelines.
No more. Move on and date others. If she still has any interest, she will warm to you herself over time. If she does not, then your messaging only pushes her further away and you get closer to a restraining order than a date.
So for now Ricardo, you need to continue to heal and move on... Spend time with friends, exercise, date others, go for walks in nature, focus on your career, try new things and meet new people. The reason I want you to try new things and meet new people is that by doing the same things you are re-treading the same water and recycling the same thought patterns. By trying new things you are embracing the present tense and realizing the future is an endless list of exciting possibilities that you are participating in. It makes the past seem less relevant and helps you gain perspective of who you are, what you had in your last relationship and what your future could and should look like.
Best wishes,
DG"
I told him what should I do when my son moves here in August, when I drop him at her place for play dates with her daughter if i should stay in the car or take. My son to her doorstep. His response bellow:
"Yeah be more aloof as if you don't care, seem at peace and light, but not focused on her exclusively. Some days you go to the door, but some days you don't. You are more unpredictable. And when you do engage, it's light, but short... leave her wanting more.
Over time, that is more likely going to lead to her inviting you in when you come to her doorstep than you trying to coerce her into giving you another chance."
