What to do if she has a boyfriend...?

[coyote_astro]

Hello all, new member but I've been checking out the forum for a while.

Let's start with a classic question that is relevant to me these days: What do you guys do when you find out a girl you are interested in has a boyfriend?
So I met this girl and quickly felt there was some chemistry there. We hung out a bunch of times at this happy hour event and went along well; she comes from the same background and we both live in the US.

She never mentioned a boyfriend (but I had a suspicion) until her roommate (that I met) gave it away. After hearing that, I did not make any direct moves, but I felt there is/was an opportunity. I've been going through a very career-focused phase lately (which resulted in no recent lays unfortunately) which though gave me a ton of confidence after some great successes on that front. She picked up on it and I am almost certain she looks up to me. Every time we met, I could feel her falling into my frame a little more.

2 weeks ago I was super bored and invited her to go for a beer, so we did. Again I could feel some tension growing. At the peak of this, she gave me a Massive **** test, out of nowhere. Maybe one of the biggest ones ever. Then later we went to another bar and around midnight the boyfriend showed up, looking a little uneasy that she did not respond to a text or some ****; I recognized his expression

I did not make any moves ever since. On the one hand I feel I could smash (and the dry spell is starting to get on my nerves ), but on the other I feel like pursuing a girl in an LTR is not worth it. Note that also we live in a rather smaller town.

Let me stress that I have not caught any feelings. I am just curious and wanted to see what more experienced members think.

 

[dude99]

Hello all, new member but I've been checking out the forum for a while.

Let's start with a classic question that is relevant to me these days: What do you guys do when you find out a girl you are interested in has a boyfriend?
So I met this girl and quickly felt there was some chemistry there. We hung out a bunch of times at this happy hour event and went along well; she comes from the same background and we both live in the US.

She never mentioned a boyfriend (but I had a suspicion) until her roommate (that I met) gave it away. After hearing that, I did not make any direct moves, but I felt there is/was an opportunity. I've been going through a very career-focused phase lately (which resulted in no recent lays unfortunately) which though gave me a ton of confidence after some great successes on that front. She picked up on it and I am almost certain she looks up to me. Every time we met, I could feel her falling into my frame a little more.

2 weeks ago I was super bored and invited her to go for a beer, so we did. Again I could feel some tension growing. At the peak of this, she gave me a Massive **** test, out of nowhere. Maybe one of the biggest ones ever. Then later we went to another bar and around midnight the boyfriend showed up, looking a little uneasy that she did not respond to a text or some ****; I recognized his expression

I did not make any moves ever since. On the one hand I feel I could smash (and the dry spell is starting to get on my nerves ), but on the other I feel like pursuing a girl in an LTR is not worth it. Note that also we live in a rather smaller town.

Let me stress that I have not caught any feelings. I am just curious and wanted to see what more experienced members think.

There two thought processes to this question.

1. Who cares. If the girlfriend isn't loyal, run and gun her and enjoy the moment. His problem. Not yours.

Or

2. She isnt available. Do not touch. Do not proceed. Do not pass go.

You have to ask yourself what mindset are you? Would you be ok if it was your girlfriend and she went behind your back and got laid?
Some here will say it is his problem not yours.
Some here will say doing her or going after this is only encouraging and contributing to the downward spiral of quality in todays woman. Aka you are contributing to the problem by rewarding her bad behaviour. Aka giving her the opportunity to cheat is just as bad as her act of cheating itself. Or woman can't behave badly if you don't contribute to the problem.

The more opportunity you give a woman to cheat or behave badly, the more she will seize that opportunity and exploit that weakness.

Ask yourself, which mindset are you?

 

[jaymbrs]

She's already playing with fire. Any girl who respects her BF would NEVER go "grab a beer" with another guy she just met. Absolutely not. I'd say this could be a slam dunk. Just treat her like she's single.

 

[Alvafe]

only problem I see is if you are dumb enough to make her a GF, the fact she is cheating on her BF already means she is not LTR material, have your fun, but don't be dumb

 

[coyote_astro]

Thanks for the responses! I agree more or less with what people said above.

I tend to lean towards what stormrider suggested; keeping up the vibe without any direct moves until she becomes available. I should add that I did not text her more than once ever since, because I was busy, but she did. I admit I hesitated to invite her out again because I feel that hanging out with a girl without getting any is "beta". I don't want to become her girl friend.

I guess I'll have to think about how to sustain the vibe as best as possible. Any suggestions welcome!

And no, as others already guessed, even though I like her, she is not LTR material for multiple reasons.

 

[jaymbrs]

Thanks for the responses! I agree more or less with what people said above.

I tend to lean towards what stormrider suggested; keeping up the vibe without any direct moves until she becomes available. I should add that I did not text her more than once ever since, because I was busy, but she did. I admit I hesitated to invite her out again because I feel that hanging out with a girl without getting any is "beta". I don't want to become her girl friend.

I guess I'll have to think about how to sustain the vibe as best as possible. Any suggestions welcome!

And no, as others already guessed, even though I like her, she is not LTR material for multiple reasons.

I've mentioned this multiple times on this site, I've met more women who were unavailable than single. Like stormrider mentioned, women are branch swingers. To me, it's normal for a girl to do what this girl is doing.

 

[Alvafe]

I've mentioned this multiple times on this site, I've met more women who were unavailable than single. Like stormrider mentioned, women are branch swingers. To me, it's normal for a girl to do what this girl is doing.

normal don't mean its acceptable, or something you should tolerate

 

[jaymbrs]

normal don't mean its acceptable, or something you should tolerate

I do the same. It is what it is.

 

[coyote_astro]

I guess most attractive girls these will always be in some sort of relationship. The question is how much time you spend on her (or any girl in that case).
If only I had a penny for everytime I met a nice girl who was taken...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

This is actually pretty normal. Most relationships are just superficial and there isn’t any real connection. She had a bf throughout high school and college, society tells her that it sucks being single, and so she finds herself in a relationship she’s mildly interested in. And when a better guy comes along, she monkey branches.

It doesn’t matter if you teach her a “lesson”. She will continue to do what she does because she has enough guys to do her bidding.

This IS women. When you take off your romantic goggles, you will realize that women are purely reactive machines that follow social conditioning. She’s not even conscious of what she is doing.

Having said all of that, I would avoid it. It’s a small town and she sounds like drama. A situation happened where you, her, and her bf all ended up at the same venue. This could have easily ended in drama.

Now when it comes to my actual experience, I would usually keep up the vibe. And as soon as she breaks up with her bf, guess who she calls? It’s always happened to me this way. I keep taken women in the back burner and let them know I’m open if they ever break up.

But for karmic purposes I wouldnt push the envelope.

I’ve had females in my social circles openly flirt with me right in front of their bfs, cucking him in plain site, so I know how women are. They have no shame. But it doesn’t mean I have to lower myself to that level.

Believe it or not society is pushing a be single/independent woman angle and minimizing men and trashing relationships. "If your not married your single" they preach. "Dont give a bf husband benefits they preach" gurls nite outthey preach. Multi dating they preach. Their cvcking boyfriends saying "im not happy". Treating outsiders better.

 

[sangheilios]

I personally feel that it's better to just move on whenever you find out she has a boyfriend and/or if she mentions one, regardless if it's true or not. I've been in situations like this and unless you are willing to get involved with a woman who is already with a guy I'd steer well clear. Your biggest concern shouldn't be whether or not you can get this woman but you should be mindful of potential consequences of entertaining her. The bf could be crazy and if he finds out you've been gaming her he shows up and you two have a "talk". Just too much potential for unneeded drama in my honest opinion.

It's okay to keep in touch with this woman but I personally feel it's better to just move on and try to meet available women in the meantime, believe it or not they do exist.

 

[coyote_astro]

My advice is keep meeting women, infiltrate social circles, get invited to parties, expand your social networks, etc. Dont burn your bridges.

Create an ecosystem where you constantly meet more women. There is nothing wrong with being friends with them. As long as you are not supplicating, you have nothing to worry about.

All the horror stories you see about guys getting stuck in the friend zone are written by the biggest most supplicating guys on the internet.

In real life, cool people hook up in social circles all the time. One minute shes taken and the next minute she’s with you. You never know what might happen.

Just don’t be a social outcast/Pua who sees everything as a target or obstacle. Gain access to as many women as possible and leave the door open.

Noted, and I totally agree.
Personally I struggle more on that area lately, not because I am not sociable, but because I am in a STEM field of a large US institution, so as you may be able to guess the easily accessible social circle consists of girls that are either nerdy/ugly, feminist or engaged

There are obviously many ways around this, only it takes more effort and time.

 

[coyote_astro]

I personally feel that it's better to just move on whenever you find out she has a boyfriend and/or if she mentions one, regardless if it's true or not. I've been in situations like this and unless you are willing to get involved with a woman who is already with a guy I'd steer well clear. Your biggest concern shouldn't be whether or not you can get this woman but you should be mindful of potential consequences of entertaining her. The bf could be crazy and if he finds out you've been gaming her he shows up and you two have a "talk". Just too much potential for unneeded drama in my honest opinion.

It's okay to keep in touch with this woman but I personally feel it's better to just move on and try to meet available women in the meantime, believe it or not they do exist.

Yeap, and to make matters worse, I suspect that her BF's social circle consists of the local weed-smoking scumbag-type dudes, so I risk getting many enemies in a small town. But sometimes p*ssy is tempting

 

[coyote_astro]

I used to live in SF where all the women were nerdy/hipster/feminist/dykes/ugly.

It was the same thing there too. All you need is access. Being a nomad is not going to work in those environments. Once I made it inside, it was as if all the hot chicks knew each other. They all follow each other on social media. Like hundreds of them.

I’m 35 now and social circle is the way to go. There is always a party/get together, and I have no energy or will to go bar hopping.

Building social circles is something most guys aren’t told. They are told to work on their game as social outcasts. And when they hit 30, they have nothing to show for it.

Oh man, the dating scene in SF must really suck; I'm glad to hear that it's doable there as well through proper action.
Time to step it up myself!

 

[coyote_astro]

Dude no doubt. Right there with you.
Most of the time it is a bad decision.

Yeah, and I'm sure I am not the only one that has been in this position!
We'll see what happens..

 

[Igetit!]

Let's start with a classic question that is relevant to me these days: What do you guys do when you find out a girl you are interested in has a boyfriend?

Go find somebody else.

So I met this girl and quickly felt there was some chemistry there. We hung out a bunch of times at this happy hour event and went along well; she comes from the same background and we both live in the US.

She never mentioned a boyfriend (but I had a suspicion) until her roommate (that I met) gave it away. After hearing that, I did not make any direct moves,

Ok,sir.....got a question here.......

You say you met this girl....felt some chemistry......then you two "HUNG OUT A BUNCH OF TIMES". And during all those times you two hung out,she never mentioned having a boyfriend.

Sir,why didn't you make any type of move or ask her out during all those "Bunch of times" you two were together? It's not like you didn't have opportunity. And this was all BEFORE this chick's roommate revealed she had a boyfriend.

What stopped you then?

I've been going through a very career-focused phase lately (which resulted in no recent lays unfortunately) which though gave me a ton of confidence after some great successes on that front. She picked up on it and I am almost certain she looks up to me. Every time we met, I could feel her falling into my frame a little more.

Oh-kaay.....? You say everytime you two met up,you could feel her falling into your frame a little more. I honestly have NO IDEA what that even means. So what was your plan....meet up,she fall into your frame. Meet again,she fall in a little more. Meet again,she fall in yet still more......and you continue this on until one day,she's "fallen in enough" for you to FINALLY make a move and ask her out?

I remember the last time a guy on here tried that. The chick was married,but going through a divorce that was about to be finalized. He didn't want to get involved with her while she was still technically married,so he came up with the SAME PLAN YOU HAVE......just "hang out"....try to keep her interest up while waiting for her divorce to go through,then go full force once it was finalized.


He didn't realize it,but he was making a MISTAKE.......the same one YOU'VE BEEN MAKING and ARE ABOUT TO MAKE.

Here's his thread,see how it turned out. https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...m-her-i-need-your-advice.178049/#post-1737247

2 weeks ago I was super bored and invited her to go for a beer, so we did. Again I could feel some tension growing. At the peak of this, she gave me a Massive **** test, out of nowhere. Maybe one of the biggest ones ever. Then later we went to another bar and around midnight the boyfriend showed up, looking a little uneasy that she did not respond to a text or some ****; I recognized his expression

You recognized the expression on his face,huh? Well sir......you might wanna pump the brakes a bit before you get all cöcky/"high and mighty". She's STILL HIS girlfriend.....he's STILL the only one out of you two who's seen her naked,and you're still the one on the outside looking in,with your face pressed up against the glass,desiring what HE HAS.

And to be honest,what you're currently doing leads to the FRIENDZONE more often than it does to the bedroom.

I did not make any moves ever since.

You've said this TWICE. So.....you've NEVER made any moves on this chick......EVER....in the entire time you've known her. Correct?

If that's true,and the reason you haven't made any moves is cause she has (or you suspected she had) a boyfriend,this is why I personally say it's just better to move on....find someone single. If all this is true,you're MAKING A MISTAKE,but don't realize it.

You're better off just finding someone single. Scoping on someone taken,but letting the fact that they have a boyfriend make you HESITATE will only end in disaster....FOR YOU.

 

[RangerMIke]

What you do depends on what you want.

If you are looking for a girlfriend... then forget about her.

If you just want to be friends with this chick, treat her like you would a male friend.

If all you want to do is bang her... then do what you do with any chick, but just ignore any mention of a BF or husband, or whatever she thinks is going on in her mind at the moment... pretend she didn't say it. Not trying to be the morality police, but getting women who are in relationships and who are giving you indicators of interest are actually the easiest to get. But be warned of the drama... I get enough stupid looks and primate posturing from dudes when I don't try any sh!t with 'their women'... The chicks will flirt with me, and somehow in some mate guarding dumb@ss' mind, I'm doing something other than just being myself. My biggest problem isn't with women... it's the fools that somehow think they own them.

 

[coyote_astro]

Go find somebody else.



Ok,sir.....got a question here.......

You say you met this girl....felt some chemistry......then you two "HUNG OUT A BUNCH OF TIMES". And during all those times you two hung out,she never mentioned having a boyfriend.

Sir,why didn't you make any type of move or ask her out during all those "Bunch of times" you two were together? It's not like you didn't have opportunity. And this was all BEFORE this chick's roommate revealed she had a boyfriend.

What stopped you then?





Oh-kaay.....? You say everytime you two met up,you could feel her falling into your frame a little more. I honestly have NO IDEA what that even means. So what was your plan....meet up,she fall into your frame. Meet again,she fall in a little more. Meet again,she fall in yet still more......and you continue this on until one day,she's "fallen in enough" for you to FINALLY make a move and ask her out?

I remember the last time a guy on here tried that. The chick was married,but going through a divorce that was about to be finalized. He didn't want to get involved with her while she was still technically married,so he came up with the SAME PLAN YOU HAVE......just "hang out"....try to keep her interest up while waiting for her divorce to go through,then go full force once it was finalized.


He didn't realize it,but he was making a MISTAKE.......the same one YOU'VE BEEN MAKING and ARE ABOUT TO MAKE.

Here's his thread,see how it turned out. https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...m-her-i-need-your-advice.178049/#post-1737247




You recognized the expression on his face,huh? Well sir......you might wanna pump the brakes a bit before you get all cöcky/"high and mighty". She's STILL HIS girlfriend.....he's STILL the only one out of you two who's seen her naked,and you're still the one on the outside looking in,with your face pressed up against the glass,desiring what HE HAS.

And to be honest,what you're currently doing leads to the FRIENDZONE more often than it does to the bedroom.



You've said this TWICE. So.....you've NEVER made any moves on this chick......EVER....in the entire time you've known her. Correct?

If that's true,and the reason you haven't made any moves is cause she has (or you suspected she had) a boyfriend,this is why I personally say it's just better to move on....find someone single. If all this is true,you're MAKING A MISTAKE,but don't realize it.

You're better off just finding someone single. Scoping on someone taken,but letting the fact that they have a boyfriend make you HESITATE will only end in disaster....FOR YOU.

I actually have no specific plan about this girl, neither had in the past...Of course I agree that if my plan was what you said, that would be a disaster (and I've made many such mistakes in the past to be honest). It's true that I could have made a move early on, as you noted, but I was going through a stressful period at work and frankly was not even thinking about it (I should have, but now it's late for that)..the first 3-4 of times we met were all by coincidence at this happy hour thing. Then I found out she had a boyfriend.

I am not ****y about it or anything. I just think that there's still a possibility of us having sex in the future, because there's some level of mutual attraction despite all.
And yes I am looking for someone else.

 

[coyote_astro]

What you do depends on what you want.

If you are looking for a girlfriend... then forget about her.

If you just want to be friends with this chick, treat her like you would a male friend.

If all you want to do is bang her... then do what you do with any chick, but just ignore any mention of a BF or husband, or whatever she thinks is going on in her mind at the moment... pretend she didn't say it. Not trying to be the morality police, but getting women who are in relationships and who are giving you indicators of interest are actually the easiest to get. But be warned of the drama... I get enough stupid looks and primate posturing from dudes when I don't try any sh!t with 'their women'... The chicks will flirt with me, and somehow in some mate guarding dumb@ss' mind, I'm doing something other than just being myself. My biggest problem isn't with women... it's the fools that somehow think they own them.

Probably no3 is what I had in mind when posting, but I am not really sure if it's worth all the drama etc. I guess it also depends on the individual case, so we'll see.
I don't have time for much drama and crap in my life this period, so not going to worry about it that much.

 

[coyote_astro]

Why does it matter that she has a boyfriend..

..if you aren't CHASING her??

Not sure If I get your question, but the way I see it, whether she's worth chasing (also) depends on her having a boyfriend or not.