FWB vs Relationship

[NotaRobot]

Hi everyone. Thanks for having me. Was hoping you could give me perspective on my situation. I’m 45 yr old divorced dad, the divorce going down almost 4 years ago. I was single for almost two years before meeting a younger (32yr old at the time) woman. We struck up a FWB relationship (her idea) and this developed into something “more”. The problem that I’ve broken with her twice in the past few years we’ve been seeing each other.

After the first breakup I spun plates for a few months. But I got attracted back to her as she lost a bit of weight and looked so much more attractive to me (vain of me I know)

My primary issue though was that to me, even though we were in a relationship, it never seemed or felt that it was any more than FWB still (she was hesitant to meet my friends, family and son). There wasn’t much sleeping over at each other’s places etc.

The second time I broke up she said she couldn’t revisit a “relationship” ever again. Fair enough. We still maintained a friendship and soon enough we were having sex again.

Maybe it was not having the pressure of being in a relationship, but this time she managed to meet my friends, family and even my son a few times (this was over the shower space of a month). It was actually really great.

Then all of a sudden things seemed like they’d changed. I’d gone away for a week and when I got back she sat me down for “the talk”. She told me that she’s been talking to friends who had pointed out that the things she was doing was very “relationshippy” and that it was misleading me because In essence even though she wanted to she couldn’t do the relationship thing again because she couldn’t face the pain of me potentially dumping her again.

She just wanted to be friends - maybe FWB but we’d have to tone down the relationship type activities.

I’m really confused. Although I completely understand how she feels I’m confused by her actions. She says she’s not seeing anyone else and can’t imaging she wants to date again yet. My hamster is running over time thinking she just wants to be with other guys and if she really wanted me she’d just be with me. We’ve always maintained that we would disclose if we ever slept with anyone else

I know what you’re going to say but I think I just need to hear it. I have one-itis dont I? I have a scarcity mentality and am trapped in the lonely old man mythology? Am I confused between genuinely wanting her or just the idea of an imagined perfect relationship? Or that maybe I just want the sex and closeness

I’m just trying to understand the psychology behind it all. I’m interested in hearing your Perspectives on this. She got quite upset when I said I didn’t know if I could be just friends. We had two or three of these discussions where I finally said I definitely couldn’t be friends and see you later. Then stupidly I did the schmuck thing the next morning and texted her that I valued her a lot and could potentially consider a friendship but would have to think about it. Now I’ve gone no contact....i don’t know why I feel this way. I haven’t slept for days and can’t function very well. what the hell is happening? If only I could sleep maybe this anxiety would stop digging away at me. Which is stupid because effectively she’s turned the tables on me and I’m getting a dose of my own medicine

 

[jaymbrs]

The ups and downs are related to the availability of other men she is pursuing.

Or pursuing her. Either way it's the fact that she has other guys she's also interested in. Her "not wanting to get hurt again" crap is just a cover.

 

[logicallefty]

The ups and downs are related to the availability of other men she is pursuing.

Exactly this. ^. Her interest level in you could be 9.7 but if a 9.8, 9.9, and a 10.0 comes along you are 4th in line. That’s just how it is.

Otherwise, OP, welcome to the forum.

 

[AttackFormation]

Whose idea was it to "develop it into something more" the first time? Who really dumped who the first time and why did it happen?

 

[dude99]

Hi everyone. Thanks for having me. Was hoping you could give me perspective on my situation. I’m 45 yr old divorced dad, the divorce going down almost 4 years ago. I was single for almost two years before meeting a younger (32yr old at the time) woman. We struck up a FWB relationship (her idea) and this developed into something “more”. The problem that I’ve broken with her twice in the past few years we’ve been seeing each other.

After the first breakup I spun plates for a few months. But I got attracted back to her as she lost a bit of weight and looked so much more attractive to me (vain of me I know)

My primary issue though was that to me, even though we were in a relationship, it never seemed or felt that it was any more than FWB still (she was hesitant to meet my friends, family and son). There wasn’t much sleeping over at each other’s places etc.

The second time I broke up she said she couldn’t revisit a “relationship” ever again. Fair enough. We still maintained a friendship and soon enough we were having sex again.

Maybe it was not having the pressure of being in a relationship, but this time she managed to meet my friends, family and even my son a few times (this was over the shower space of a month). It was actually really great.

Then all of a sudden things seemed like they’d changed. I’d gone away for a week and when I got back she sat me down for “the talk”. She told me that she’s been talking to friends who had pointed out that the things she was doing was very “relationshippy” and that it was misleading me because In essence even though she wanted to she couldn’t do the relationship thing again because she couldn’t face the pain of me potentially dumping her again.

She just wanted to be friends - maybe FWB but we’d have to tone down the relationship type activities.

I’m really confused. Although I completely understand how she feels I’m confused by her actions. She says she’s not seeing anyone else and can’t imaging she wants to date again yet. My hamster is running over time thinking she just wants to be with other guys and if she really wanted me she’d just be with me. We’ve always maintained that we would disclose if we ever slept with anyone else

I know what you’re going to say but I think I just need to hear it. I have one-itis dont I? I have a scarcity mentality and am trapped in the lonely old man mythology? Am I confused between genuinely wanting her or just the idea of an imagined perfect relationship? Or that maybe I just want the sex and closeness

I’m just trying to understand the psychology behind it all. I’m interested in hearing your Perspectives on this. She got quite upset when I said I didn’t know if I could be just friends. We had two or three of these discussions where I finally said I definitely couldn’t be friends and see you later. Then stupidly I did the schmuck thing the next morning and texted her that I valued her a lot and could potentially consider a friendship but would have to think about it. Now I’ve gone no contact....i don’t know why I feel this way. I haven’t slept for days and can’t function very well. what the hell is happening? If only I could sleep maybe this anxiety would stop digging away at me. Which is stupid because effectively she’s turned the tables on me and I’m getting a dose of my own medicine

This right here is why you leave the 'relarionship' to the women.

This is why we say it is your job to have sex.
Her job is to build the relationship.
This is why we say spin plates.

When you focus on these 3 things you don't get confused. You just move on

She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She wants to keep you on the back burner in her orbit and pursue other guys. That is why she wants your 'friendship.' You validate her but you are also plan b.

Spin plates. If she still has sex with you then focus on sex only. If she won't, Move on. She will keep you around to validate her until she meets plan a then she will shut you out.


Stop stressing and go meet new women.

 

[Robert28]

Don’t let her come back next time. Cut her off completely. Go ghost, right now. Go into your phone and block and delete her number. Don’t be second in line or 3rd or 4th behind other dudes. Let those blow up in her face and when she tries to return to you you’ll be gone. She’s 32 and still trying to ride the c0ck carousel but it won’t be long before she’s kicked off.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Or pursuing her. Either way it's the fact that she has other guys she's also interested in. Her "not wanting to get hurt again" crap is just a cover.

Other guys shes MORE interest in.

 

[NotaRobot]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I think we both let it develop into something more the first time. I broke it off with her twice. The first time because this was my first experience after a crap marriage and wanted to play the field. I played the field but kept coming back to her as the better option. The second time I dumped her I just felt like it wasn’t progressing at all. I actually felt it was digressing into the familiar FWB again.

deep down I know she’s seeing other guys although she denies it. And why am I feeling jealous about it. I think that’s why I can’t sleep. I hate this

 

[AttackFormation]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

I think we both let it develop into something more the first time. I broke it off with her twice. The first time because this was my first experience after a crap marriage and wanted to play the field. I played the field but kept coming back to her as the better option. The second time I dumped her I just felt like it wasn’t progressing at all. I actually felt it was digressing into the familiar FWB again.

deep down I know she’s seeing other guys although she denies it. And why am I feeling jealous about it. I think that’s why I can’t sleep. I hate this

If you were a woman and said this the guys here would dig into you like a pod of wasp maggots lol. They'd describe you as something like "typical hypergamous and childish woman, now she only wants to see if you'll bite because she's jealous you're not her orbiter anymore". You'll get a free pass because you're a man.

I think you'll just have to move on from this one accepting it's going to be fwbs only and no relationship from her end unless she suggests otherwise of her own volition. It sounds like you fvcked it up since earlier and up to now, and whether or not she was or is seeing other men doesn't change that fact. Gotta swallow your mistakes and move on.

 

[NotaRobot]

Attack formation I think you’ve hit the nail on the head

 

[Robert28]

Relationships never revolve back to what they started out as. What I mean is say you were starting out as fwb but you eventually get the “ljbf” speech, most guys will waste time trying to flip the relationship back to what it started out as. Once a woman has flipped it, she ain’t going back to what it started out as because that’ll be her admitting her mistake and we know women never take personal responsibility for their mistakes.

 

[17 shots]

You broke up with her twice, and after the second time she told you straight up she wouldn't revisit a serious relationship with you again. There's nothing to figure out here. You're upset about a situation YOU created

 

[EyeBRollin]

Once a woman dumps you she’s dead forever. If you did the dumping it obviously had a reason. She can’t ever be relationship material again. No exceptions.

 

[AttackFormation]

Relationships never revolve back to what they started out as. What I mean is say you were starting out as fwb but you eventually get the “ljbf” speech, most guys will waste time trying to flip the relationship back to what it started out as. Once a woman has flipped it, she ain’t going back to what it started out as because that’ll be her admitting her mistake and we know women never take personal responsibility for their mistakes.

You're the one trying to prevent him from taking his personal responsibility that he just admitted to bro. If he was a woman and posted what he just did as a reply to my questions, you'd call him a typical woman and curse him out. The only reason you're siding with him now putting out all this one dimensional hot air is because he's a man, so you're doing the easy thing of being a tribal sycophant that you know you'll be patted on the back for.

Once a woman dumps you she’s dead forever. No exceptions.

She didn't dump him, he dumped her twice.

 

[EyeBRollin]

You need to move on. Meet new women.

 

[Robert28]

You're the one trying to prevent him from taking his personal responsibility that he just admitted to bro. If he was a woman and posted what he just did as a reply to my questions, you'd call him a typical woman and curse him out. The only reason you're siding with him now putting out all this one dimensional hot air is because he's a man, so you're doing the easy thing of being a tribal sycophant that you know you'll be patted on the back for.



She didn't dump him, he dumped her twice.

I’ve never cursed out or jumped down the throat of the women that have posted here before. Dunno why you think I’d do the same to him if he was a woman.lol

 

[AttackFormation]

Dunno why you think

inference
"An inference is an idea or conclusion that's drawn from evidence and reasoning. An inference is an educated guess."
- https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/inference

 

[Robert28]

inference
"An inference is an idea or conclusion that's drawn from evidence and reasoning. An inference is an educated guess."
- https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/inference

But you have nothing to base your educated guess on. If you can find one post I’ve made towards a female poster where I jumped their **** then show me.

 

[NotaRobot]

17 Shots correct. I know what I’ve done. I know I’ve screwed it up. I’d like another chance. I’m conflicted. I know by going no contact I’m secretly hoping she’ll come back to me. But deep down I think that’s never going to happen

 

[17 shots]

17 Shots correct. I know what I’ve done. I know I’ve screwed it up. I’d like another chance. I’m conflicted. I know by going no contact I’m secretly hoping she’ll come back to me. But deep down I think that’s never going to happen

Accept the fwb relationship and pound the hell out of her every chance you get. She might catch feelings again later and push for more. No guarantee, but you have a better shot that way, then going NC. That's kind of what was beginning to play out before, but you over reacted to her having the "talk" with you. She only said all that because she let her friends get in her ear. She said it herself that her friends told her to fall back. You should have just said ok cool and kept going