How likely is it that my BPD ex is going to come back into the picture after my restraining order wears off?

[Brighty]

Men who have survived BPD, I'm looking to you guys for advice. I have a restraining order that expires in January with my ex girlfriend and the time is coming to decide whether or not to renew it or not. It's been two years since the order has been active - we dated for two years prior and lived together. It was a rocky relationship and eventually turned abusive (even physically on her part, albeit infrequently). The breakup was horrible, she basically tried to lie to all of my friends, my family, even my mom to try and paint me as this awful person (abusive, stalking, harassing, etc) before I put a restraining order on her. I've heard very little from her since, even though she has a new beta simp boyfriend you'd think she'd be loyal but I still hear every six months or so that she's been asking about me/how I'm doing to mutual friends.

This girl is a 25 year old HB9 (BPD ones always are), some kind of insta model (whatever the fvck that means in 2019), and is used to always manipulating men to get what she wants. I was the first man to really refuse her to this kind of degree and not put up with her sh!t during the breakup and it drove her crazy (in a very bad way). I'm sure getting the restraining order was incredibly humiliating for her to have to explain to her parents (the police showed up to her work to deliver it) and I'm sure she's harboring some deep resentment towards me for it, I'm just wondering if enough time has passed that most people let this kind of grudge go?

How likely is it that she's moved on and won't bother me at all after this restraining order expires? It's been two years and she's in another relationship. I'm asking because it was an absolute nightmare to deal with in those few months - it was an awful, awful feeling to feel like it was my word against hers and I was having to defend my reputation among my own family/friends - and I don't want to go back to that at all. I never wish any man to have to go through that. At the same time, I'm worried that if I renew the restraining order she's going to get a heads up from the police and it might bring me back to the forefront of her mind again and that's the last thing I want.

I'm sure there are a few guys out there that have survived BPD relationships and I'm wondering what the right course of action is here.

 

[dude99]

Men who have survived BPD, I'm looking to you guys for advice. I have a restraining order that expires in January with my ex girlfriend and the time is coming to decide whether or not to renew it or not. It's been two years since the order has been active - we dated for two years prior and lived together. It was a rocky relationship and eventually turned abusive (even physically on her part, albeit infrequently). The breakup was horrible, she basically tried to lie to all of my friends, my family, even my mom to try and paint me as this awful person (abusive, stalking, harassing, etc) before I put a restraining order on her. I've heard very little from her since, even though she has a new beta simp boyfriend you'd think she'd be loyal but I still hear every six months or so that she's been asking about me/how I'm doing to mutual friends.

This girl is a 25 year old HB9 (BPD ones always are), some kind of insta model (whatever the fvck that means in 2019), and is used to always manipulating men to get what she wants. I was the first man to really refuse her to this kind of degree and not put up with her sh!t during the breakup and it drove her crazy (in a very bad way). I'm sure getting the restraining order was incredibly humiliating for her to have to explain to her parents (the police showed up to her work to deliver it) and I'm sure she's harboring some deep resentment towards me for it, I'm just wondering if enough time has passed that most people let this kind of grudge go?

How likely is it that she's moved on and won't bother me at all after this restraining order expires? It's been two years and she's in another relationship. I'm asking because it was an absolute nightmare to deal with in those few months - it was an awful, awful feeling to feel like it was my word against hers and I was having to defend my reputation among my own family/friends - and I don't want to go back to that at all. I never wish any man to have to go through that. At the same time, I'm worried that if I renew the restraining order she's going to get a heads up from the police and it might bring me back to the forefront of her mind again and that's the last thing I want.

I'm sure there are a few guys out there that have survived BPD relationships and I'm wondering what the right course of action is here.

If she has a new victim you wont hear from her. If not let the games begin. Either way, renew the reatraining order. It won't harm you to do that. It could if you don't. Don't take chances with crazy.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Can you even renew it without any evidence of recent issues with her? I would wait. If she reaches out after it expires, I would tell her not to contact you again and if she does even one more time, that you'll renew the restraining order.

As for her not coming back if she has a new victim..... I've experienced both. My BPD ex wife found a new victim (a beta simp, same as your ex found) and stayed away from me for 1.5 years but then came back around. Turns out she wanted joint custody of my dog and when I told her I'd think about it and let her know she flew off the handle into a screaching rage. I told her to leave and haven't heard from her since (that was another 1.5 years ago).

I dated a girl a year ago for about 7 or 8 months. She found a new victim but after that fell through, she's been stalking me. First threatened to sue me for something that wasn't my fault and she has no grounds for, which of course caused me to go full ignore. Now she's repeatedly demanding apologies from me and because I'm not responding, she's starting to stalk my friends, asking them to hang out with her and sending them invites on social media etc.

I could go on with more wonderful experiences I've had but these last two were the most closely relatable to yours. You are not alone.

 

[jaymbrs]

The only positive thing I read here was she is an HB9. That's it. Get your priorities straight dude. This is the kind of chick who will mess your life up.

 

[17 shots]

Idk but don't stress about it. If she shows up just stay calm and play it cool. I've had a couple of women show up unannounced wanting me back, and both times without getting upset or emotional, I told them we can be friends

I didn't care to be friends with them, but I said that so they'd leave. You don't want them to make a scene outside your house

 

[stovepipe]

Hearing from others that's she's asking about you kinda sounds like you're hoping or wanting her to make an effort to come back. Just know it's common for them to keep tabs on ex's. She may possibly reel you in, then fuk you up worse then before. If it were me, I would renew the RO (if that's even possible). Also understand that if she were to reach out it's NEVER about you, it's always about them. That's the problem with these toxic sloots is they are unpredictable. Some come back, some dont. So it's better to dig a deep hole, bury any thoughts about her and close it for good.

BPD's tend to think like "how dare him not put up with my bad behavior and call me out on my manipulation tactics" They are so used to men keeping their mouth shut so they don't get reminded how much of a pos they are. Deep down they do know how much of a horrible pos they are. They also kinda do fall a little harder for a guy who doesn't put up with their chit, but the same outcome happens with every relationship.

They respect a guy who doesn't put up with bad bevior, but also hate him for it. Hence why they usually settle for a beta who keeps his mouth shut and does as he's told. They always put the blame on every man and not themselves for why the relationship failed. They cannot be seen as the horrible person they know they are. So manipulating everyone that the man was to blame paints them as the victim is how they get by in life.

 

[jaymbrs]

I misread your post and thought the restraining order was on you. I've seen too many posts that go in that direction. Honestly, if she hasn't reached out to you whatsoever, she's probably moved on and you should too. I wouldn't even worry about it.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Deep down they do know how much of a horrible pos they are.

I am curious why you think this? I'm not saying I disagree.... It's actually something I've thought a lot about. But I have leaned the other way. Part of a BPDs affliction is extreme narcissism. Because of that narcissism, I figured they truly believed their convictions about them being perfect and everyone else being to blame. It certainly follows the behavior pattern. I will say out of two girls I've had serious problems with, one was definitely BPD and to your point, she absolutely knew she was fvcked up big time, yet at the same time blamed me for everything. Another girl, I think she truly believes she is perfect, and everything is always about her. This particular girl may just have narcissistic personality disorder and not BPD though.

You know, I'm becoming slightly envious of those with narcissistic personality disorder. I know that sounds awful but man, the unshakable confidence and self-conviction that comes with the disorder truly allows those people to accomplish incredible things. It's amazing how LITTLE it impacts them negatively. There are of course negative impacts but the goods seem to outweigh the bads.

 

[Brighty]

I misread your post and thought the restraining order was on you. I've seen too many posts that go in that direction. Honestly, if she hasn't reached out to you whatsoever, she's probably moved on and you should too. I wouldn't even worry about it.

I was going to respond but I figured you didn’t read the post anyway in your original message. There must be a lot of beta men on here these days if that’s your first go to response, lol. No worries.

Hearing from others that's she's asking about you kinda sounds like you're hoping or wanting her to make an effort to come back. Just know it's common for them to keep tabs on ex's. She may possibly reel you in, then fuk you up worse then before. If it were me, I would renew the RO (if that's even possible). Also understand that if she were to reach out it's NEVER about you, it's always about them. That's the problem with these toxic sloots is they are unpredictable. Some come back, some dont. So it's better to dig a deep hole, bury any thoughts about her and close it for good.

BPD's tend to think like "how dare him not put up with my bad behavior and call me out on my manipulation tactics" They are so used to men keeping their mouth shut so they don't get reminded how much of a pos they are. Deep down they do know how much of a horrible pos they are. They also kinda do fall a little harder for a guy who doesn't put up with their chit, but the same outcome happens with every relationship.

They respect a guy who doesn't put up with bad bevior, but also hate him at the same time. Hence why they usually settle for a beta who keeps his mouth shut and does as he's told. That is also the reason why they always put the blame on every man and not themselves for why the relationship failed. They cannot be seen as the horrible person they know they are. So manipulating everyone that the man was to blame, paints them as the victim is how they get by in life.

Appreciate the advice man. I am absolutely not wanting her back in my life, I’m dating a few other girls right now and things have been so much better since that relationship. I already know she wants me back, that’s how BPD women work. The main reason I’m asking is even though I’m almost a little emasculated to admit this is - I’m honestly a little nervous about her, she’s unpredictable and I don’t want her psycho ass coming after me or my family again. I’ve never had a woman be that kind of scary vindictive towards me before, it was honestly fvcking scary. I was half expecting a false rape allegation or some sh!t. I was curious about what other men did in this position and trying to get a general consensus

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I’m honestly a little nervous about her, she’s unpredictable and I don’t want her psycho ass coming after me or my family again. I was curious about what other men did in this position and trying to get a general consensus

Ignore, ignore, ignore. She wants to press the buttons and turn the knobs. If you let her do that even once, it will reignite months/years of motivation for her to continue. Just ignore and she will eventually go away.

 

[jaymbrs]

I was going to respond but I figured you didn’t read the post anyway in your original message. There must be a lot of beta men on here these days if that’s your first go to response, lol. No worries.




Appreciate the advice man. I am absolutely not wanting her back in my life, I’m dating a few other girls right now and things have been so much better since that relationship. I already know she wants me back, that’s how BPD women work. The main reason I’m asking is even though I’m almost a little emasculated to admit this is - I’m honestly a little nervous about her, she’s unpredictable and I don’t want her psycho ass coming after me or my family again. I’ve never had a woman be that kind of scary vindictive towards me before, it was honestly fvcking scary. I was half expecting a false rape allegation or some sh!t. I was curious about what other men did in this position and trying to get a general consensus

My friend had this happen to him. All because she was embarrassed that he smashed her in the backseat of her friend's car. Good thing it was only said to her friends and she then later admitted it wasn't true.

 

[stovepipe]

I am curious why you think this? I'm not saying I disagree.... It's actually something I've thought a lot about. But I have leaned the other way. Part of a BPDs affliction is extreme narcissism. Because of that narcissism, I figured they truly believed their convictions about them being perfect and everyone else being to blame. It certainly follows the behavior pattern. I will say out of two girls I've had serious problems with, one was definitely BPD and to your point, she absolutely knew she was fvcked up big time, yet at the same time blamed me for everything. Another girl, I think she truly believes she is perfect, and everything is always about her (this one sounds more like a histrionic ). This particular girl may just have narcissistic personality disorder and not BPD though.

You know, I'm becoming slightly envious of those with narcissistic personality disorder. I know that sounds awful but man, the unshakable confidence and self-conviction that comes with the disorder truly allows those people to accomplish incredible things. It's amazing how LITTLE it impacts them negatively. There are of course negative impacts but the goods seem to outweigh the bads.

I've seen it, experienced it and tested it on a BPD & Narcs I know. I once called out my buddy who is a full blow narc on all his bull chit. He started yelling at me, putting all the blame on me as if I was a narc. Then a full blown screaming at the top of your lungs argument ensued. He was deflecting everything onto me, then I was wasting my time trying to defend myself. After 20 years of BS, I finally made the decision to cut ties for good. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. He did however to reach out to me many months later. His text wasn't to see how I was genuinely doing, it was to see if he still had access to me. Most all of them deep down are insecure cowards who like to act tough, to hide that side of them from the world. His own girlfriend would tell me he cries like a baby at home when no one is around and to never tell anyone about it.

BPD's are a rotting a piece of fruit that destroys just about everything they touch. What happens if you place one rotting apple into a bowl of fresh apples? The entire bowl of apples slowly starts to rot from that one bad apple.

They are well aware of their evil side and spend so much energy & time trying to hide it from the world. Their ego is so inflated like a hot air balloon, that when someone pops it, it comes crashing down causing them one of the greatest injuries. They cannot handle taking the blame for their own actions.

This BPD I dated once was a flat out sloot. She did everything in her power to manipulate me into believing she was a loving, caring & magnanimous women. I could see and feel that she was ashamed of her true self. Drowning herself with drugs and alcohol to escape from who she really is. Sometimes out of nowhere she would mention she wasn't a sloot. Why would she do that out nowhere? Because she was afraid I was seeing through her mask. One day I sporadically decided to see if I could trigger her. While I was banging her from behind I said "look at me while I'm fuking you, you dirty a$$ wh0re". I knew it, I popped her bubble, I saw the person behind the mask. She got up and started crying her eyes out saying she wasn't a sloot.

I totally understand being envious of them. I can relate as one of my narc male friends that I'm envious of his impenetrable confidence. Even when he doesn't get his way, he shows no negative emotions. They control & manipulate the entire world around them to do what they want and get what they want. They have a somewhat god like mentality. I will say though it is tough being around them for long periods of time. I've learned to distance myself from them. I do use my knowledge about them to mentally play games with them. I went a little off track with this post.

 

[DelayedGratification]

You know, I'm becoming slightly envious of those with narcissistic personality disorder. I know that sounds awful but man, the unshakable confidence and self-conviction that comes with the disorder truly allows those people to accomplish incredible things. It's amazing how LITTLE it impacts them negatively. There are of course negative impacts but the goods seem to outweigh the bads.

Yeah, no chit. And it's a spectrum as well. I had a college buddy who I wouldn't necessarily put in the NPD bucket, but was just so self-absorbed that he just crossed all sorts of personal boundaries with people. I was a lot younger (obviously) and didn't know exactly what I was looking at, but I was non-plussed at the stuff he got away with that would have been called out had it been anyone else.

I hesitate to call it NPD, because it was never clear he was causing anyone outright harm. He was just self-absorbed in the extreme and clueless that his behavior was outside the norm. And yeah, he was able to do some positive things that would have been more difficult for people with a normal personality.

 

[sosousage]

why not ask her if she wants a 1v1 fight without police involved and if you win she will stop harassing you

 

[051AV]

You should be safe I haven't heard from mine in 4 years she was dating a beta guy dumped him latched onto another beta guy I doubt I will ever hear from her again. I cause her too much pain why? because I called her out on her bullsh*t. Watching her have fits of rage, you know she hid that sh*t from everybody not me I seen it all. I've read BPDs put "you" in a box on the shelf they never forget about you the memory is always there. In reality a restraining order is just a false sense of security you never know what goes on in their manipulative pea brain.

 

[logicallefty]

- Has she tried to contact you since you put the restraining order on her?

- Has she said anything to mutual contacts about you of any concern?

- Is she posting anything about you on social media? Is she posting anything that's violent in nature? (Normally I don't advocate for trolling exes but in this case with her I would just to see what she's posting that may be of interest to your safety. )

- Do you and her have to cross physical paths at any point in a day, like working close or living close?

If your answer to ANY of the above is YES, I would consider renewing it. If it's all NO, probably no need.

 

[AttackFormation]

BPD's are a rotting a piece of fruit that destroys just about everything they touch. What happens if you place one rotting apple into a bowl of fresh apples? The entire bowl of apples slowly starts to rot from that one bad apple.

They are well aware of their evil side and spend so much energy & time trying to hide it from the world. Their ego is so inflated like a hot air balloon, that when someone pops it, it comes crashing down causing them one of the greatest injuries. They cannot handle taking the blame for their own actions.

This BPD I dated once was a flat out sloot. She did everything in her power to manipulate me into believing she was a loving, caring & magnanimous women. I could see and feel that she was ashamed of her true self. Drowning herself with drugs and alcohol to escape from who she really is. Sometimes out of nowhere she would mention she wasn't a sloot. Why would she do that out nowhere? Because she was afraid I was seeing through her mask. One day I sporadically decided to see if I could trigger her. While I was banging her from behind I said "look at me while I'm fuking you, you dirty a$$ wh0re". I knew it, I popped her bubble, I saw the person behind the mask. She got up and started crying her eyes out saying she wasn't a sloot.

Some really freaky stuff... the part about how they "cannot handle taking the blame for their own actions" and how she was so traumatized by her own promiscuity, I could really visualize the craziness there.

What are these womens' common denominators that you can detect at a glance without having to get involved with them? substance use, love bombing, any particular behaviors or cosmetic trends? The broken childhood they could potentially hide, although so far for me, girls have been very open about their fatherlessness. While getting to know her, and really throughout knowing her, she would sometimes reference how she was really "evil" at heart and could be really mean when she didn't care about someone. I certainly began to experience that in her devaluation phase. But before that, she also couldn't handle me pretending (like theater or peekaboo) to be hurt by her. I would literally just grimace in front of her as if I was sad when we both knew I really wasn't, and it caused a strong remorseful nurturing reaction in her and she had to know I wasn't really sad. I don't really know what that was, never experienced it otherwise. Maybe her concern was just an act, in case it's easily the best acting I've ever seen on or off screen, or it was some twisted awareness (and maybe shame or something?) of her own nature.

Of course, with some of them it will be impossible to know because they are really covert.

I would also bet that they let out things here and there while they are getting to know you as a kind of "warning", whether they intend it to be or not. The closest to a personality disorder I think I might have dated started showing her real self after I wounded her ego by effectively dumping her. She seemed to then put me into a kind of devaluation phase, and either started or revealed her smoking habit.

Come to think of it I do know for sure one other girl must have had some kind of cluster B disorder.... but there was no way I was sticking around to find out. I could just feel it in her vibe that something was really wrong with her. I only met her a few times, but one time she tried to gaslight me into taking the blame for her starting to smoke because I'd been "mean" to her. She was so brazenly open and hamfisted with her gaslighting, she did it like I was just a new prop.

 

[Billtx49]

I would also bet that they let out things here and there while they are getting to know you as a kind of "warning", whether they intend it to be or not.

Although bpd’s have some substance abuse behaviors, etc. that can be attributed to many women, that’s not the best clue.
Since it’s a mental/emotional issue you look there first. Often her incomplete emotional development will transfer over to her rational side.
Look for childish behavior and actions.
Does she make occasional nonsensical statements that an adult would not like proclaiming the women are better people than men. Does she operate a vehicle like a kid like having a wreck that can not be explained. Is she proud of quitting a job without another one to go to.
Basically if new crises caused by her actions, lack of, and not so mature decisions show up regularly in her life it’s the main clue.

 

[AttackFormation]

Although bpd’s have some substance abuse behaviors, etc. that can be attributed to many women, that’s not the best clue.
Since it’s a mental/emotional issue you look there first. Often her incomplete emotional development will transfer over to her rational side.
Look for childish behavior and actions.
Does she make occasional nonsensical statements that an adult would not like proclaiming the women are better people than men. Does she operate a vehicle like a kid like having a wreck that can not be explained. Is she proud of quitting a job without another one to go to.
Basically if new crises caused by her actions, lack of, and not so mature decisions show up regularly in her life it’s the main clue.

Right, I treat substance use as a general disqualifier for commitment anyway so whatever. I think every "problem case" I can think of had either some substance use, a broken family, or both. But even when my gut feeling has been going off I've never encountered what I would classify as childish or truly nonsensical behavior, or at least not taken particular note of it.

 

[Billtx49]

But even when my gut feeling has been going off I've never encountered what I would classify as childish or truly nonsensical behavior, or at least not taken particular note of it.

Those instances are usually rationalized away since they’re so few and far between. Mine used her baby voice once also, but I didn’t think much of it…