Charlie Brown (BPD) Experience

[Roma]

Hello to all,

First time posting here so I will do my best to keep it short and to the point. A little bit of context first, i read through numerous threads posted here and after searching for answers on the web it is an absolute pleasure to see how many insightful people are giving advice here. I am 30 yrs old, serial monogamist as i spent most of my 20s in serious relationships. That being said i have been around and usually do not have trouble making a girl fall for me ( the problem is more finding a girl that I actually like... i m definitely not Brad Pitt but i am very picky when it comes to sleeping with someone... i have tried to change that as it's really more of a nuisance than anything else but without success)

My last 2 Exs were diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I guess i kinda have a type, since i had it good during my life, blessed by loving parents that are well off, i always try to help the girls i m involved with which usually does not end well for me.. (debt, ruined relationships with family members and friends, etc.) So about 6 months ago (after being kinda of a hermit after my last relationship which ended in a fiery fury) i meet a girl abroad that actually lives in my country. Needless to say it was love at first sight, phenomenal connection, same values, same taste in things, beyond amazing sex, we seemed really perfect for each other, the only thing that was off is that off the bat she told me she s BPD and actually went through therapy and maybe its best that i stay away... Obviously i did not listen as i figured previous relationships have prepared me for this, maybe it's just my curse to be attracted to BPD girls and for them to be attracted to me and this time it ll be different.. Well i wasnt wrong... We have been "dating" for the past 6 months breaking up like clockwork every two weeks and flying all across the country to spend time together (about every weeks). I have never been in such a destructive pattern as when things are good - they are beyond anything i ve encountered, but every now and than out of the blue there is a break up initiated by her as she s "unsure about me", "doesnt feel like we could get married" so whats the point. Every time after a break up like this (and they are getting more and more severe" We stop talking for a few days until she reaches out and we restart talking as friends which leads to us inevitably seeing each other again and having an amazing time together.

Now I have never been stuck on a girl before, usually my thought process is: "you are not sure about me? see you later good luck finding someone else like me.." However for some reason (maybe due to really f*ked up **** she s been through, i m just unable to do that or to block her. I understand she ll be fine and she was way before she met me and she actually has her life together (about to become a Doctor) but for some reason i m just suffering from Oneitis. I do have hobbies, a good job, i dont really go out (cuz i don't see the point TBH i m mostly annoyed by millennials and what they find enjoyable). After our last break up (which came 2 weeks after we spent a 2 week vacation together) i thought to myself ok, that's it! And here i am again talking to her because she keeps calling, and now she s telling me she wants to come this weekend (but its really yes, no, yes no type of situation) I get that the most logical thing to do would be to block and move on, but for some reason it just doesnt seem possible. Also since she s the one constantly initiating break ups and keeps running back and apologizing and making it up to me i constantly feel that she s just too BPD to be able to control it but what she wants is to lead a normal life and have a normal relationship...

Thoughts? Questions? At this point i am fairly knowledgeable about how BPDs are having read a lot of articles and books and studied Psych. I get that they manipulate and cant love like normal people can but I believe it's not okay to just discard them as damaged goods and move on. So besides the obvious "block her and move on", "go F*k random girls" or " stay in this hellhole and suffer" do you guys have any other advice?

Thank you in advance and sorry for the long post (i could honestly write a book about it)

 

[stovepipe]

but I believe it's not okay to just discard them as damaged goods

One of your biggest issue's right there. They are damaged goods and I would have zero remorse for dumping them like a bag of trash on the side of the road. Do you really think she would give 2 chits for doing the same to you?

As toxic as they are, it's the amazing sex they provide that's the #1 reason why men stay locked in those chains and can't find the key. In most cases the only reason the sex is good is due to them mirroring your likes and acting like they actually deeply care about you. That creates a very deep bond that most don't feel with normal girls or ever before. That's why when a man's brain is stimulated in that way he feels like he found his soul mate or develops oneitis.

A lot of times when you leave them and look back months later the sex really wasn't as good as you thought it was. It was the emotional bond aka, soul-tie she created through lies, manipulation, playing the victim and mirroring that actually made the sex amazing. One also has to realize that yes, some BPDs are amazing in bed right off the bat. But how many guys did she have to plow to be that good?

Plan and simple, Cluster B's of any kind are the same as heroin. They're fun, they give an amazing high and they're highly additive. But it can and will destroy you, your life and everything around it, or even worse, kill you. Doesn't matter what advice we give you as you're going to do what you want anyway.

 

[Roma]

Work on your self-esteem and attractiveness to other women so that you can follow the obvious advice

Thanks for the reply. I wouldnt say my self esteem is low. I don't have a problem finding a good looking, mentally stable girl that is actually into me. The problem is that i am never into them which sounds stupid AF but it's the case anyway. I know my own worth i ve attained a certain level of success professionally in different spheres however i feel it is because i know that i m worth a lot i find it's so selfish of me to just discard and move on, i kinda feel guilty because how many guys have done the same before me. (Actually not that many since she is fairly insightful about her BPD she stayed single for 4 years and just focused on her study/career). Also i kinda hate the chase and the constant disappointment of girls that i encounter here and there. In the words of J Cole, i dont want any "out of touch with reality hoes". I dont know seems to me i really am stuck in this loop and it is really draining and exhausting. Dont mean to sound like a victim here but just have been at the end of my rope for a few weeks now and still struggling to just discard block and never look back.

 

[Robert28]

I dated a bpd waif once. That was one if the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn but I know exactly what to look for now and NEVER AGAIN. Even the first hint of a bpd woman, It’ll be *******s and elbows for me because I’ll be running away so fast.

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Thanks for the reply. I wouldnt say my self esteem is low. I don't have a problem finding a good looking, mentally stable girl that is actually into me. The problem is that i am never into them which sounds stupid AF but it's the case anyway. I know my own worth i ve attained a certain level of success professionally in different spheres however i feel it is because i know that i m worth a lot i find it's so selfish of me to just discard and move on, i kinda feel guilty because how many guys have done the same before me. (Actually not that many since she is fairly insightful about her BPD she stayed single for 4 years and just focused on her study/career). Also i kinda hate the chase and the constant disappointment of girls that i encounter here and there. In the words of J Cole, i dont want any "out of touch with reality hoes". I dont know seems to me i really am stuck in this loop and it is really draining and exhausting. Dont mean to sound like a victim here but just have been at the end of my rope for a few weeks now and still struggling to just discard block and never look back.

@stovepipe said it well. You're obsessed with an image of her in your mind that you made up. You've chosen to believe the good qualities and doubt the bad, even though the bad qualities are causing you all this torment and you're afraid to commit to moving on.

Ask yourself why you find yourself drawn to someone that's clearly not up to your standards. If you're picky about women that are more compatible mentally, why are you allowing this one to treat you poorly? Usually it's a fear that you won't find someone else that can screw as well. But what price are you willing to pay for a tight pusssy? The most masculine men don't even think about this question, pusssy is worthless to them. They are actually so satisfied with their lives that pusssy is a nuisance unless the person is also valuable in other areas of life. Even then it's the woman's job to push for a relationship. A man can be satisfied and live a free and happy life without an exclusive partner. I would argue that life would be more fulfilling.

And if you were really on top of your game and confident you wouldn't be posting this. You wouldn't be putting up with it. You wouldn't feel like the dating game is tiring, you'd enjoy it. You're not being honest with yourself and need to dig deep to figure out what is making you feel aversion to the game. Don't you want a compatible person you're into? Then you would understand that the search takes work. Nothing and no one of high value comes easy. Even molding yourself to be more high value takes immense work. To expect amazing results with little to no work on yourself or the search is a child's mentality.

 

[Epic Days]

LMAO

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Ok. You don’t want to take the obvious advice. Check. My recent ex BF is BPD. I get where you are coming from.

There is a series of Psychology Today articles online that can give you insight. Google “Borderline Provacations I”. Roman numeral 1 or part 1. There are parts 1-7. Read them in sequence. The author is a man & his perspective is interesting.

There are ways to mitigate the crazy making behavior but it requires tremendous self awareness and self control. It does get easier as you learn, but you have to look at yourself to see what of your own pathos is driving the behavior. Something in your psyche is drawn to this dynamic.

Look within & sort out what that is.

 

[Epic Days]

Like attracts like.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

Like attracts like.

Are you disputing the wisdom of Paula Abdul? lol

 

[AttackFormation]

As toxic as they are, it's the amazing sex they provide that's the #1 reason why men stay locked in those chains and can't find the key. In most cases the only reason the sex is good is due to them mirroring your likes and acting like they actually deeply care about you. That creates a very deep bond that most don't feel with normal girls or ever before. That's why when a man's brain is stimulated in that way he feels like he found his soul mate or develops oneitis.

Honestly, even I feel it's pathetic to be unable to control your life properly because of some woman like this. It makes me scoff and feel contempt. If even I feel that way, how do these women feel? and they're cluster B too on top of that. It's no wonder these guys get treated with zero respect.

It isn't rocket science, if you tolerate abuse then your self esteem is not where it needs to be.

^ There you go.

I don't have a problem finding a good looking, mentally stable girl that is actually into me ...... Also i kinda hate the chase and the constant disappointment of girls that i encounter here and there.

^ Contradictory sentences.

I could be wrong, but you sound delusional.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Aside from your relationship choices (and that's not a veiled put down) you come across as one of the more objective and self-objective members here.

I disagree with a lot of the responses. I do not believe this is a result of low self-esteem or "oneitus" etc..

The phrases "yin and yang" and "opposites attract" are in my book, not baseless cliche's.

Let me guess. The women you've seen ... appear more content if you are not having a good moment rather than delighting when things are going good for you. Right?

Before going further, let me know if my above question is on base or off base. If I'm way off, I'll have to think a little before responding. If my assessment is correct, I've been there and my response will be easier.

 

[John9999]

Hello to all,

First time posting here so I will do my best to keep it short and to the point. A little bit of context first, i read through numerous threads posted here and after searching for answers on the web it is an absolute pleasure to see how many insightful people are giving advice here. I am 30 yrs old, serial monogamist as i spent most of my 20s in serious relationships. That being said i have been around and usually do not have trouble making a girl fall for me ( the problem is more finding a girl that I actually like... i m definitely not Brad Pitt but i am very picky when it comes to sleeping with someone... i have tried to change that as it's really more of a nuisance than anything else but without success)

My last 2 Exs were diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I guess i kinda have a type, since i had it good during my life, blessed by loving parents that are well off, i always try to help the girls i m involved with which usually does not end well for me.. (debt, ruined relationships with family members and friends, etc.) So about 6 months ago (after being kinda of a hermit after my last relationship which ended in a fiery fury) i meet a girl abroad that actually lives in my country. Needless to say it was love at first sight, phenomenal connection, same values, same taste in things, beyond amazing sex, we seemed really perfect for each other, the only thing that was off is that off the bat she told me she s BPD and actually went through therapy and maybe its best that i stay away... Obviously i did not listen as i figured previous relationships have prepared me for this, maybe it's just my curse to be attracted to BPD girls and for them to be attracted to me and this time it ll be different.. Well i wasnt wrong... We have been "dating" for the past 6 months breaking up like clockwork every two weeks and flying all across the country to spend time together (about every weeks). I have never been in such a destructive pattern as when things are good - they are beyond anything i ve encountered, but every now and than out of the blue there is a break up initiated by her as she s "unsure about me", "doesnt feel like we could get married" so whats the point. Every time after a break up like this (and they are getting more and more severe" We stop talking for a few days until she reaches out and we restart talking as friends which leads to us inevitably seeing each other again and having an amazing time together.

Now I have never been stuck on a girl before, usually my thought process is: "you are not sure about me? see you later good luck finding someone else like me.." However for some reason (maybe due to really f*ked up **** she s been through, i m just unable to do that or to block her. I understand she ll be fine and she was way before she met me and she actually has her life together (about to become a Doctor) but for some reason i m just suffering from Oneitis. I do have hobbies, a good job, i dont really go out (cuz i don't see the point TBH i m mostly annoyed by millennials and what they find enjoyable). After our last break up (which came 2 weeks after we spent a 2 week vacation together) i thought to myself ok, that's it! And here i am again talking to her because she keeps calling, and now she s telling me she wants to come this weekend (but its really yes, no, yes no type of situation) I get that the most logical thing to do would be to block and move on, but for some reason it just doesnt seem possible. Also since she s the one constantly initiating break ups and keeps running back and apologizing and making it up to me i constantly feel that she s just too BPD to be able to control it but what she wants is to lead a normal life and have a normal relationship...

Thoughts? Questions? At this point i am fairly knowledgeable about how BPDs are having read a lot of articles and books and studied Psych. I get that they manipulate and cant love like normal people can but I believe it's not okay to just discard them as damaged goods and move on. So besides the obvious "block her and move on", "go F*k random girls" or " stay in this hellhole and suffer" do you guys have any other advice?

Thank you in advance and sorry for the long post (i could honestly write a book about it)

God this sounds like my 2.5 year on off deal with my bpd. Yes the sex is amazing, they know how to work you and manipulate. In the end they just cannot behave and act decent. I tried so hard.

 

[Roma]

Hey all, wouldnt say that it's just the amazing sex n sex drive. It's more of an actual connection. I mean how can a person that went through hell in her adolescent life is now such a great contributor to society, extremely knowledgeable, interested in art, poetry, religion, etc. she just checks off so many boxes on my list. (except for the "no headaches" one but i guess i m dreaming lol ) Yes there are a lot of great gals out there and there's plenty fish in the sea and i know all that but besides the fact that she is crazy when it comes to commitments and breaks up out of the blue for a few days only to restart as if nothing happened..

Anyways i might be completely biased right now because a day after i posted this thread, she paid 2000$ to fly over and spend the weekend with me which obviously is impairing my judgement... I guess i have a bit more fuel to go for another round or two on this roller coaster. I m just unable to see it for what it is maybe. I just see a girl who s absolutely amazing in all aspects except normal commitment and like many of you I fall for it again n again thinking that i can play it differently and show her that there s nothing to be scared of. What reinforces this is that she keeps coming back again and again and i know that she s not sleeping around or doesn't have anything on the side.

 

[Billtx49]

Yes, these women can be quite accomplished career wise and have many other rational interests, enough to make you think she’s a normal woman, but it’s All about her incomplete emotional development and that’s not going to change without extensive psychological work…

 

[Roma]

Aside from your relationship choices (and that's not a veiled put down) you come across as one of the more objective and self-objective members here.

I disagree with a lot of the responses. I do not believe this is a result of low self-esteem or "oneitus" etc..

The phrases "yin and yang" and "opposites attract" are in my book, not baseless cliche's.

Let me guess. The women you've seen ... appear more content if you are not having a good moment rather than delighting when things are going good for you. Right?

Before going further, let me know if my above question is on base or off base. If I'm way off, I'll have to think a little before responding. If my assessment is correct, I've been there and my response will be easier.

Hey, to answer your question. I d say this woman does NOT appear more content if i m not having a good time. Every time we break up, she s feeling down, depressed and goes into her bubble... After a few days pass she starts to slowly come out of her shell again. She is excited when things go well and she does seem to aim to please most of the time (when it comes to pretty much everything: clothes, food, what to do, etc.)

 

[Roma]

Honestly, even I feel it's pathetic to be unable to control your life properly because of some woman like this. It makes me scoff and feel contempt. If even I feel that way, how do these women feel? and they're cluster B too on top of that. It's no wonder these guys get treated with zero respect.



^ There you go.



^ Contradictory sentences.

I could be wrong, but you sound delusional.

I dont think its delusional or contradictory. I CAN find a "nice girl" but i m just not that into the niceness. And yeah the chase is dissapointing because you put in a little effort and the the result isnt really worth it.

 

[Roma]

Advice from the old lady:

Ok. You don’t want to take the obvious advice. Check. My recent ex BF is BPD. I get where you are coming from.

There is a series of Psychology Today articles online that can give you insight. Google “Borderline Provacations I”. Roman numeral 1 or part 1. There are parts 1-7. Read them in sequence. The author is a man & his perspective is interesting.

There are ways to mitigate the crazy making behavior but it requires tremendous self awareness and self control. It does get easier as you learn, but you have to look at yourself to see what of your own pathos is driving the behavior. Something in your psyche is drawn to this dynamic.

Look within & sort out what that is.

Thanks i ll read up on that... Yeah clearly something s wrong with me as well for always getting involved with the same type of women. This one just seems different from the others (more self aware of her condition) which makes me want to keep at it even though it's not the sanest thing to do.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Objectively speaking, most relationships do end. Assuming that this one eventually does, prepare yourself. Due to the dynamics that you've described, you'll end up feeling *very* depleted.

Although I do believe that women are far more illogical and emotional, we men are not exempt from this equation. In fact, when anyone becomes involved in a pattern, it can become a cycle that is difficult to break.

It seriously sounds like she has a lot of attractive qualities but unfortunately one quality that is attracting you (and you, to her) is highly unhealthy. From reading your postings, it sounds like you are very cognitive about the situation. However, awareness and objectivity does not always equate to making healthy decisions.

The sad reality is (and I say this with sincerity) while you both may crave a more cohesive relationship, those dopamine spikes that have occurred have become an addiction. Without these 'highs & lows' the relationship will never seem as interesting and passionate.

 

[Roma]

Objectively speaking, most relationships do end. Assuming that this one eventually does, prepare yourself. Due to the dynamics that you've described, you'll end up feeling *very* depleted.

Although I do believe that women are far more illogical and emotional, we men are not exempt from this equation. In fact, when anyone becomes involved in a pattern, it can become a cycle that is difficult to break.

It seriously sounds like she has a lot of attractive qualities but unfortunately one quality that is attracting you (and you, to her) is highly unhealthy. From reading your postings, it sounds like you are very cognitive about the situation. However, awareness and objectivity does not always equate to making healthy decisions.

The sad reality is (and I say this with sincerity) while you both may crave a more cohesive relationship, those dopamine spikes that have occurred have become an addiction. Without these 'highs & lows' the relationship will never seem as interesting and passionate.

This makes a lot of sense, especially the last part. The spikes are addictive to both of us. We get such highs when things are good it needs to balance itself out in a way (breakups) Its already not easy since we both have busy lives and live thousands of miles away from each other. I am trying to prepare for the inevitability that this will end, but every time we meet it seems to restart the whole thing as we get along extremely well (not that its always peachy, we get into arguments but both agree that it just keeps a healthy dynamic when we do).

The worst part of it all is that there is no way of knowing when **** will hit the fan. IT might be in 5 min or in 3 weeks. There is no way of determining any triggers or any particular patterns. It just happens and its extremely annoying. I can deal with mood swings and insecurities and uncertainty but to put everything under a big question mark every two weeks is very draining.

Anyways it feels really good to vent to people who have been through similar experiences and understand where i m coming from.

 

[btownbuck2012]

You sound relatively calm for being 6 months into it. Maybe you're able to not let it effect you that badly.

I personally have been totally devastated with both of my cluster b experiences in the aftermath. But I just cannot believe I got sucked in again. They are sooooo good at lowering your defenses even when the red flags are glaring at you in the face.

I guess as long as you're not suicidal or drinking/doing drugs to cope, things are OK. but if she admitted to being BPD why continue to take a chance with her? Especially, after you've been through it before?