Charlie Brown (BPD) Experience

[Roma]

You sound relatively calm for being 6 months into it. Maybe you're able to not let it effect you that badly.

I personally have been totally devastated with both of my cluster b experiences in the aftermath. But I just cannot believe I got sucked in again. They are sooooo good at lowering your defenses even when the red flags are glaring at you in the face.

I guess as long as you're not suicidal or drinking/doing drugs to cope, things are OK. but if she admitted to being BPD why continue to take a chance with her? Especially, after you've been through it before?

Just too attached at this point i think... I dont exactly understand why am i still willing to go through it... I m pretty sure it will end soon as it's taking its toll on both of us and it's not like the dynamic will suddenly change. It sucks though because i still feel like i m failing her in a way. But at some point i cant keep doing this and live in a world of uncertainty (where she seems to thrive). I have done this before, but this "relationship" feels different from the other ones. Anywho i guess we ll see what happens next.. Stay tuned.. lol

 

[Roma]

My main problem besides the whole instability of the situation is her reasoning. I know its hard to understand due to the nature of her mental state but it still doesnt make any sense. She wants to settle down and have a stable relationship, she finds me very attractive and intelligent, we match on our core values, she says that she s in love with me, she misses me, we speak every single day and yet she says she s unsure (admits that partly cause of BPD) about us spending the rest of our lives together and she finds we are wasting our time. Yet every time we break up, we end up making up. To me that sounds absolutely retarded. If you are unsure and what to pursue other things, just do it! But somehow she always comes back around and we do our full circle again until out of the blue she shuts down and says she cant do this... She s not overly attached, she s not clingy and every time things go really well it seems like she just cant handle it and tries to run away from it. She is aware that she self sabotages and admits to it, but i guess its not enough for her to just chill the F*k out.

Anywho i guess there is no point of re hashing and over analyzing everything but i feel like if i can break the code, i can adopt a certain behavior that would prevent her from losing her **** every two weeks. Any ideas?

 

[Roma]

How do you feel about her svcking other men's d1cks?

Harsh but fair question lol .
I am 100% she s not. She s a serial monogamist and she stayed single for a while cause she s just way too busy with work (roughly 70 hours per week) and doesnt want the hassle. She s also very selective and prefers taking care of her needs on her own rather than some randoms. Also we talk everyday and i know where she is pretty much at all times (not very healthy but at the end of the day we r very far apart n it makes us both feel better)

That would obviously be a deal breaker for me and she s aware of it. We have an agreement that works both ways so if ever one of us wants to do something we just let each other know.. simple courtesy.

 

[Billtx49]

She wants to settle down and have a stable relationship

she says she s unsure (admits that partly cause of BPD) about us spending the rest of our lives together and she finds we are wasting our time.

To me that sounds absolutely retarded.

but i feel like if i can break the code, i can adopt a certain behavior that would prevent her from losing her **** every two weeks.

She makes all the right noises and plans.

She can’t follow through on them.

No, its called chaos…

And now you’re considering changing your behavior to fit her chaos…

Get away from her.

 

[Roma]

And have you tested this agreement? You know BPD's raison d'etre is to betray, right.

There is not really a way to test that... i guess the fact that we communicate by video every night and i know her location is the only proof i have. She s been cheated on in every relationship she s ever had so she does understand the pain and i ve tried catching her in lies but so far unsuccessfully and it came back to bite me in the @ss a few times..

I m not saying its impossible but at the end of the day i dont have any evidence (even reasonable doubt) therefore its enough for me. If ever she does, i believe she wouldnt hide it, it would give her the necessary push to just completely sabotage this thing. She s not a hoe, just really lost and desperately trying to navigate the right path.

 

[Roma]

And have you tested this agreement? You know BPD's raison d'etre is to betray, right.

Also, the few one night stands she s had before me kind of turned her off from having casual sex.

 

[Roma]

the way you test it is by telling her you want to sleep with someone else and see what happens.

Your problem is that you believe everything that a pathological liar has told you. it's literally building of the disorder that almost nothing they tell you is the full truth and usually quite the opposite especially in her case the cheating.

Well... she was definitely not happy when she found out i was flirting with other girls... not sure if that's representative enough as it might just be possessiveness.

 

[Roma]

Hey guys, not sure if anyone s interested my my story is kinda continuing. We keep in touch pretty much everyday and she booked me a flight to come see her... obviously i jumped at the opportunity. We had a great time partied and i actually had a heart to heart with her 2 best friends that told me that she really does have feelings for you and i mean this whole fiasco has been going on for 6 months. So the reason why she keeps breaking up with me its because she s been through enourmous trauma in her past relationships and because she has a lot of insecurities so she always pushes me away... i felt good about the talk because i do see that she really truly cares about me and hates the fact that she s so unsure about me and keeps being either madly inove either doesnt want anything to do with me... long story short she broke up with me kind of the blue dueing the weekend using her same lane ass excuses... and at this point i m being really honest. I love her to death but how can you be in a relationship with a person that keeps going from one to the other. We spoke a day later and she said what she likes what sshe doesnt like and asked me what do i think a good solution would be (surpirsing that she s the one looking for a solution... but anywho) i told her that the distance is a factor for me especially since she keeps pulling away. She told me she pulls away because she feels like i m forcing her to be with me and its not her choice. Long story short we agreed to both of us keep it cool and casual and not overthink things and just see where it goes as long as there s a next time we see wach other.

After agreeing on that we spent another great day together she was the perfect gf again until we ran into a small argumebt where she flipped out accused me of talking to other girls and being shady. I returned back to my home town today and now she doesnt want to see me anymore or to continue this and goes on about how uncertain and unsure she is about me and we r both easting time. I would believe her but seeing how she is with me (loving caring attentionate going out of her way for me) and seing how her best friends were telling me that she is definitely into you but yeah she has issues and thats why she pushes me away... wtf do i do?.... i could let her go block her and cut her off and it might be the healthiest thing to do. But i feel like i m gnna fall into a deep depression and the time that ne and this girl spend together is amazing we bith want to settle down and we bith share same values and get along on most things. It does feel like a pattern because this happenned 10 times already but i just wsnt some advice on how can i make this more sustainable. One thing that came out with her friends and with her in our conversation is that i push a lot and the more i oush the more she pulls back which i get but i also believe if i hadnt pushed this thing would v ended after a week or 2....

If anyone has any idea on how can i fix this or make it more sustainable please share i would really appreciate it. Cuz now back to feeling like **** and not knowing wtf to do.

 

[Billtx49]

Yes, Past trauma is how these disorders initiate and develop. Can’t change her past can you…

Don’t play it loose and easy when she comes around to her positive attitude again and takes you back with no stress involved. You will only be let go once more on her next 180 to the dark side.

Bottom line, if you stay around her a significant amount of time, develop deep feelings, and go through enough of her 180’s, you will eventually need psych help yourself…
Treat yourself right and disappear from her future event horizon …

 

[stovepipe]

I love her to death but how can you be in a relationship with a person that keeps going from one to the other.

You love someone to death that puts you through all that bullsh!t? Keep loving her and the grim reaper might come to collect. Lots of men have killed themselves or died from strokes due to the stress these demon children put you through.

The 1# best piece of advice ANYONE will give you is to do what Billtx49 said. Disappear like you never met her! Block her phone #, email, social media. Delete all her pics, texts, throw away or donate any gifts she gave you and get rid of any letters you might have. Will it be easy? Fuk no it won't! It might even be one of the hardest, most painful lessons you'll ever learn in life.

I'm telling you right now. If you don't listen, you will regret it, mark my words. You are getting advice from guys who've been there and done that. We don't want you to make the same mistakes we did. Just read your own posts again and again to see how pathetic, confused and crazy you sound. She is the puppet master who is controlling you and your emotions.

 

[Black Widow Void]

You're asking advice from many of us that have already been through this (self included).
Although you may wish to take the 'easy route' (giving her the benefit of the doubt - blaming your own behavior at times etc...) and try again.
.... what has this amounted to ........ so far?
If you think it feels bad now, continue as you have and find out how it will feel in the future.
Lots of us have already been down that road. We didn't turn back when we should have.
We hope that you'll not take the same wrong turn.
Cut ties
Now!

 

[Robert28]

Just remember this crap doesn’t get better with age, it gets worse. Much worse. She had some decent years where she would have been tolerable but they’re long gone trust me. The older she gets the worse her disorder will become.

 

[Roma]

Well she is somewhat insightful. She knows when it comes over her and she is in therapy and tries to become better... however its still definitely present. Well regardless i think i m gnna follow your advise. She s been super cute again with me for two days and losing her **** out of the blue now saying she s ready to move on, i deserve someone bttr cuz she treatsbme like **** n she hates it, she s tired of the constant ups and downs.. i think its time to let this one go. Afterall yes the time i spent with her was amazing and she seems like she truly cares about me but the constant breaking up shows me otherwise... its extremely frustrating to get such mixed signals over and over and over again...

 

[Roma]

Hey everyone, just wanted to vent a little bit being Charlie Brown n all it aint easy. Quick summary, all of a sudden the girl decided to come spend her holidays with me and came to see me for about a month (against her family's wishes), we eloped out of the country for a week, had an amazing time together created memories, got engaged on New Years, talked about her condition how I can provide support for her and how we can make this work. Talked about our future together, me moving for her and us just building this together despite our rocky foundation and her extreme fickleness. She did mention that most probably when she goes back home she will try to sabotage this again and will pull back as she cannot control it. Sure enough a week after her being back, and making more plans of her coming down, us planning a trip for the summer, her missing me and calling me and being all sweet n ****. Out of the blue, she doesnt want to come, we should wait till march, or maybe i should find someone else who s not a "psycho" and i deserve better than her and she s just blinded by me sweet talking her and i must have a hidden agenda, etc. etc....

Obviously i was supportive and tried to make her realize that even though she feels like she s feeling good and insightful it's far from being true. We argued all evening (no yelling, no fighting, just back n forth) and everything is up in the air again. I get it that it's a classic BPD splitting and she has no control of it however it does put doubt in my mind... Am i just forcing her into this and even though apparently "she s never felt such a connection with someone" it doesnt mean anything and i m just wasting money or time or it's just her BPD is strong and i have to take it for what it is and just wait a bit and work with her through it once she comes back to her senses. I know it's a pattern it happens about every 2-3 weeks, however what am i to get from this? I also get that she hates long distance and it bugs her but we r almost at the finish line I m ready to move, looking for jobs, she s actually been helping me find something where she lives and still it always comes back: "i love you, i enjoy your company but it doesnt mean we should spend our lives together".

I am certain that if its just BPD we ll work through it she s already back in therapy and is aware that she needs to make some drastic changes in her life and she s at a point where everything is coming together (lots of stress cause of that too) but why always such pushback?

Anywho, i thank all of you in advance for sharing your thoughts.

 

[Epic Days]

Hey everyone, just wanted to vent a little bit being Charlie Brown n all it aint easy. Quick summary, all of a sudden the girl decided to come spend her holidays with me and came to see me for about a month (against her family's wishes), we eloped out of the country for a week, had an amazing time together created memories, got engaged on New Years, talked about her condition how I can provide support for her and how we can make this work. Talked about our future together, me moving for her and us just building this together despite our rocky foundation and her extreme fickleness. She did mention that most probably when she goes back home she will try to sabotage this again and will pull back as she cannot control it. Sure enough a week after her being back, and making more plans of her coming down, us planning a trip for the summer, her missing me and calling me and being all sweet n ****. Out of the blue, she doesnt want to come, we should wait till march, or maybe i should find someone else who s not a "psycho" and i deserve better than her and she s just blinded by me sweet talking her and i must have a hidden agenda, etc. etc....

Obviously i was supportive and tried to make her realize that even though she feels like she s feeling good and insightful it's far from being true. We argued all evening (no yelling, no fighting, just back n forth) and everything is up in the air again. I get it that it's a classic BPD splitting and she has no control of it however it does put doubt in my mind... Am i just forcing her into this and even though apparently "she s never felt such a connection with someone" it doesnt mean anything and i m just wasting money or time or it's just her BPD is strong and i have to take it for what it is and just wait a bit and work with her through it once she comes back to her senses. I know it's a pattern it happens about every 2-3 weeks, however what am i to get from this? I also get that she hates long distance and it bugs her but we r almost at the finish line I m ready to move, looking for jobs, she s actually been helping me find something where she lives and still it always comes back: "i love you, i enjoy your company but it doesnt mean we should spend our lives together".

I am certain that if its just BPD we ll work through it she s already back in therapy and is aware that she needs to make some drastic changes in her life and she s at a point where everything is coming together (lots of stress cause of that too) but why always such pushback?

Anywho, i thank all of you in advance for sharing your thoughts.

You tried to rescue a fully functional human being. Captain save a hoe, I think they call it here.

It’s a manipulation entrapment. A functional human being plays helpless to her environment and gets you to rescue them. Never do this again.

 

[Black Widow Void]

I remember responding to your postings a few months ago. My opinion has now changed.
In addition to her working on herself, I now believe that you equally need to find out why you enable and gravitate to this environment.

Previously on this forum, you were provided some practical advice. You've chosen to ignore it and instead, repeat this particular cycle. Only you know why (or should at least try to find out why).

Why ask for advice here? We can only help those that want to be helped.

 

[MrAddiction]

I am certain that if its just BPD we ll work through

THat is selfdelusional, if it’s BPD nobody will ever work this through.
Does not seem as if you really understood what BPD means and understood what is discussed on here about it.
It’s like saying, ah, she just put a machinegun to my head but hey, we are gonna work this through.
If you really give up all your life for her and move to hers, be prepared to end up in the gutter...broken, best an scared.
Good luck. But better run the other way.

 

[Roma]

Thank you for the quick replies...

The thing is, as discussed in various other forums on this site BPD is a spectrum and most of the time she s able to stay insightful and be a fully functional human being. Yes, her surroundings definitely do not help, as she s surrounded by ppl who do drugs, a dysfunctional family and various other negative factors. She is aware, she is doing her best to stay on top of things and she is able to but only most of the time. She has been faithful, she is finishing up her degree in a few months, she s staying off drugs and is trying not to drink too much. If she was a total lost cause i wouldnt fight for it. I am not ignoring your advice, i m simply ignoring the major stigma that exists around people with BPD (the ones that blame every little thing that goes wrong on others, ignoring their BPD diagnosis, not trying to get help, fits of rage, lying and manipulating) i ve dealt with one in the past and by comparison its nothing like this. Sometimes i even doubt that this girl has BPD (until she breaks up out of the blue, cause she feels it would be better for my sake to stay away). She doesnt have extreme mood swings, she is not suicidal, she is able to maintain relationships with her family and friends, i do not have to deal with fake accusations or walk on eggshells - she is very low on the spectrum and from reading a ton of material on the subject, in this particular case what she would need is a partner that would support her through her issues and help out. I m just unable to make her understand that she does not have to do this alone.

It's not that i dont love myself or value myself i just clearly see that this thing can work, i m just not entirely sure how to make it work besides me moving and just being by her side so she doesnt have to stress about it.

I got another "final text" from her this morning. She is going through a lot and she hasnt been feeling good about things in her life (family, health) she doesnt want to talk about it as she doesnt want to stress anyone about her issues, she s grateful for everything i ve done to her and she hopes i can find someone who s not a psycho and who has less problems to deal with. She doesnt deny that she loves me but she doesnt have room to stress about an extra thing at the moment (me being far away i m guessing)...

I get it, the easy way is to just move on, but why would i discard her as if she s nothing instead of helping her out like a real partner would. We both want to get married and have kids and live a normal life we v partied and fvcked arround enough. It's time for a new chapter but for some odd reason she s unable to accept it (especially when she s away, when she s with me it calms her down and she gives in).

There s tons of other info i can give on the subject but i dont know if it's relevent or not. I m just wondering what can I do in order for her to just stop trying to sabotage and run away (she does it because she thinks its best for me, and for her as it's added stress).

 

[MrAddiction]

You don't love yourself enough to give up the drug.

Think he hasn’t yet understood with what kinda drug he is fooling around. He probably thinks this is just some casual Canabis use while he already is on massive heroin abuse without acknowledging it himself.

 

[MrAddiction]

She doesnt have extreme mood swings, she is not suicidal, she is able to maintain relationships with her family and friends, i do not have to deal with fake accusations or walk on eggshells - she is very low on the spectrum and from reading a ton of material on the subject, in this particular case what she would need is a partner that would support her through her issues and help out.

Only just because she is a highfuntional BPD, does not make it less dangerous.
Do not be Captain Save a hoe in this scenario.
Search for posts of KontrollerX an der his BPD Advise in this forum ....its from around 2006 but spot on.
Everybody who is warning you in this thread are as far as I acknowledge people who experienced having the **** gone crazy with some BPD themselves firsthand before and do not wish that experience to anyone. Hence the intense warnings.
There is not single story on here where it turned out lucky and with a happy ending to stay with a BPD.