That’s the issue I think. I don’t quite know what I want. I know i don’t want what i already did which was a 20 year committed marriage. I like the idea of dating 1+ as long as they are okay with it and also don’t demand monogamy at this point. I never want to live with someone (i say never but of course i am just three years into being single) i don’t think. thats my conflict. i *think* long term and even am leaning towards it now, i don’t want a relationship. The one that actually works thr best for me is what you all would consider a high value man (i think). Though hes a bit older. He has a primary partner of 3 years. He had another GF too when i met him but she faded away and that made me number two by default. This relationship works the best for me because he splits his time between us and also travels for work (he also has “female friends” that he occasionally sleeps with). so i don’t know
I think you found your answer earlier in the thread---which is simply reassurance and that it's ok to be off the beaten path, taking the journey on your own terms. Some posters are expressing their tunnel-vision based on where they are in their own journey, and much of that is either inapplicable or not helpful. I commend you for sticking around despite that.
My own situation bears some similarities to yours, so perhaps I can provide some validation to where you are and whether you believe you are moving in a healthy direction.
I'm a 18-months post-decree of a 20+ year marriage that was toxic from the start. But I was a zombie AFC paired up with a narcissistic woman who was on the spectrum towards BPD. We have two boys (budding adolescents now), and towards the end I was basically carrying the entire load. Between the physical, mental, and emotional burnout, coupled with individual therapy, I finally woke up.
So here I am, after a 20 year stint that had its rewarding moments but was mostly an exercise of me putting my own needs dead last and having no ability to set boundaries. Triaging your needs downward is a legitimate part of the bargain when being the parent, but not in a healthy relationship.
I am much better off now. We have an amicable 50/50 co-parenting arrangement, and so I find myself with a mix of "being single" in the way that you probably experience. But that is combined with the responsibilities of parenting, and rebuilding a career that took a hit during the divorce process.
Almost a year ago I met an attractive, high-quality (if on the younger side) poly woman. She has a primary GF, used to have a primary BF (his other primary was total BPD and my guess is he went MGTOW, throwing the baby out with the bath water in the process when he broke things off with all of his partners). Some might call us FWB but I see myself as a secondary. A monogamous offshoot in her poly community as it were.
She recently has been introduced into other poly communities, thus is finding new people to forge connections with and move beyond the social circles that her ex-BF inhabits. I'm very happy for her and this renewal of her spirit is very obvious when we get together now. In short, the strengthening of her other relationships serves to strengthen our own.
So our relationship consists of seeing each other about once a week, and every few months we manage to take a least a short trip somewhere. This is my "recharge" time and I guard it vigorously. Despite living very different lives, we get along effortlessly and I enjoy every minute we spend together. I do find sometimes that our time together seems too short. I occasionally fall into the trap of monogamous thinking and let my insecurities take hold when she talks of other people she's dating. It's pretty clear that this relationship, while clearly already LTR, is not forever.
But overall I am happy with this in my current phase of my life. I would have not imagined this being the path I would be on, but for the here and now it serves me well. I am getting much-needed companionship and a healthy personal connection. I have my freedom to tend to my responsibilities and have my own time. As challenging as it can be sometimes, watching her navigate her poly lifestyle has been a tremendous opportunity for my own personal growth. Poly, if done right, is not easy. It requires excellent relationship skills, and understanding of your own needs and the ability to set boundaries that work for you and each of your partners.
Apologies for the length, and this post could definitely use some editing, but I'm out of time for the moment. I hope I've managed to add another useful data point in your thought process.
