I am broken - Marriage Decision Must be Made

[Reyaj]

@Reyaj, life is about choices. With any choice you give up other choices, those are opportunity costs.

You are until recently on the fence, weighing choices and opportunity costs.

About the weight issue. Consider this. Does she eat the same things & same portions as you? Chances are she can’t or she will indeed gain weight. My BF likes me to eat with him whenever he gets hungry and enjoy the meal same as he does. Like your girl I’m a good cook. He outweighs me by 100lbs (he’s 218, I’m 118), and I can’t intake the same amount of food or weight starts to gain. He understands this but doesn’t always like it. But he loves that I make staying fit/hot a priority. And I’m 50, and had 3 children.

Here are some suggestions about the weight so you guys can tackle that together. It seems to me if she takes care of the weight issue your desire for her would rebound and your desire for “thinner” would mitigate to a degree.

1. Have a chat about the weight. You owe it to both of you & need to be honest WITH HER that it’s an issue.
2. Understand it may be *what* she is eating alongside how much. I eat a keto/paleo diet and have for years. I rarely eat bread, grain, pasta, or soda. I don’t eat dairy except heavy cream & cheese (fat is OK). Carbs are the enemy and if you eat carbs they need to come with fiber (e.g. fruit rather than cereal).
3. If she has your children encourage her to watch her weight closely during pregnancy and strongly encourage her to breastfeed. Breastfeeding creates a caloric deficit and will help reduce her body weight after delivery. I went from 120lbs to 155lbs with each pregnancy and was back down to pre pregnancy weight within months because I breastfed and I was disciplined in my own food consumption.
4. Both of you should weigh daily. Nude, first thing in the morning after you pee and before you eat or drink anything. Weight can’t just jump on you unawares if you guys make this a habit.

Discipline is a theme here. If she wants to look good for you & be fit, it is a lifelong discipline.

Same goes for you. You must exercise discipline where sex/lust is concerned. Quit cheating. Commitment is a choice. If you make that choice have the integrity to yourself and to her to honor it.

My boyfriend was chatting with a wise old widow not long ago. The elderly woman said something that resonates deeply with him. She said:

“Whenever the grass on the other side of the fence looks greener it’s time to cut your own lawn.”


Think on those things and best wishes.

Cheers -BE

I took a short break from here so I am just reading your post now. Definitely one of the few intelligent responses on here so thank you.

Let me address each for points....

1. Have a chat about the weight. You owe it to both of you & need to be honest WITH HER that it’s an issue.

I've referenced it many times without flat out saying explicitly, so she knows. I know this is a very sensitive topic for women so if you have any suggestions on how I can phrase it without hurting her or alienating her from me I am all ears..

2. Understand it may be *what* she is eating alongside how much. I eat a keto/paleo diet and have for years. I rarely eat bread, grain, pasta, or soda. I don’t eat dairy except heavy cream & cheese (fat is OK). Carbs are the enemy and if you eat carbs they need to come with fiber (e.g. fruit rather than cereal).

She eats healthy during the week and works out. However on the weekend she eats bad and drinks.. I feel like because she does well during the week, its ok to indulge on the weekends. However maybe this is messing her up? Regarding Keto, I've seen dramatic improvements in everyone who has tried it. Unfortunately there are too many reports on it having adverse health affects so she doesn't think its a good idea to try.

3. If she has your children encourage her to watch her weight closely during pregnancy and strongly encourage her to breastfeed. Breastfeeding creates a caloric deficit and will help reduce her body weight after delivery. I went from 120lbs to 155lbs with each pregnancy and was back down to pre pregnancy weight within months because I breastfed and I was disciplined in my own food consumption.

Definitely will do this!

4. Both of you should weigh daily. Nude, first thing in the morning after you pee and before you eat or drink anything. Weight can’t just jump on you unawares if you guys make this a habit.

I don't know about this one lol

Anyway once I get married I don't think it will be feasible for me to cheat at all.

 

[BeExcellent]

Nice to see you @Reyaj

How to bring up the weight thing. It is touchy. For men and for women. When my BF and I started dating he weighed 245 lbs. He’s almost 6’4”, so he’s a big man. However he carried his weight in his throat and his belly. He snored frightfully and would gasp for air throughout the night. His sleep apnea was obstructive and scary.

I am also dealing with my 14 year old daughter. Very tough. She got up to 156 lbs. on a 5’7” frame. That’s too heavy. She lives in an area where most women are overweight and they become overweight young. She is introverted and reserved and loves to draw. She spends hours drawing daily and she’s quite talented. But this is sedentary. Not active.

The way I approached the topic with my BF was to explain to him that losing weight will ease his sleep apnea. He will breathe better because losing weight will reduce obstruction in his airway, and this is the simplest solution he can employ to improve his health, his sleep and his longevity without expense or surgery. He has done well and currently weighs between 200 and 205 lbs.

He looks better (hotter than ever), he feels better, his snoring is remarkably improved and his sleep is better.

My daughter I’ve had to approach more delicately. I didn’t know what else to do but sit her down & tell her I’m concerned about her health, and I’m concerned about her becoming stigmatized as a “heavy girl”. That’s tough here because the vast majority of females here are fat. So fat appears normal. But in a year I am moving my girls to a much warmer, more actively inclined area where most of the high school girls are slender...and she will be a “fat girl” there. That will not be good.

For her I require her to weigh in the mornings several times a week, and I also have put her on a strict keto diet. No milk, no bread or pasta, no sugar, no sweets, no soda, no empty junk food. Primarily vegetables, fats and protein. She is already 10lbs lighter and she has embraced the discipline to stay on the regimen. If she cheats it shows on the scale because the weight loss stalls out. We have an ongoing discussion about it.

I’ve gone over body dismorphism with her, gone over the risks of diabetes and obesity, and I’ve been very loving about it. I’m concerned about her weight BECAUSE I love her and I’m not going to sit back and watch her balloon up without saying anything. She doesn’t yet care about boys, but at some point she will and I also want her to have the best opportunities she can as she enters the dating years. She is a beautiful girl, very sweet and intelligent and talented. I don’t want her weight to be a barrier to her success in any aspect of her life.

But it isn’t an easy conversation.

You can’t fear the conflict that this conversation with your fiancé will create. It will create some degree of conflict. I think it’s better to get it out on the table and wrestle with it. I myself currently weigh 110 lbs. on a 5’6” frame. I look fantastic in clothes and fantastic out of clothes. I stay disciplined because I love the way I look and to be frank I love the attention it garners.

The idea that keto is bad for you has been debunked thoroughly. Keto/paleo was the way humans ate for millennia until in recent times we learned to process foods. Milk and honey were delicacies in Biblical times...they were rarely consumed as they were rarely available. People were not gluttonous unless they were rich (and therefore plump figures were sought after...it was a sign of wealth and status in ancient times). But I digress.

All you can do is have the conversation. Help her understand that your sexual desire nature is tied to the way she keeps her appearance and her figure. You love her and you want to have desire for her for many years. You want her healthy. Tell her this. Will she be sensitive? If she is that means she is already aware it’s an issue...she just doesn’t want you to notice. You have to bring it up and face it together. You guys can then make lifestyle choices that support and encourage the discipline required to live healthy and look good. Don’t fear the conflict. If she says “how dare you???” Simply ask her if she would prefer your sexual desire for her to wane and threaten your fidelity to her. Does she want that? No? Then this is important. Period.

Good luck with it. These are not easy conversations but they are necessary. She must know your expectations and you must be true about what your needs are too.

Cheers, BE

 

[sazc]

@Reyaj you're never going to be happy with her, you guys just don't share the same values. You should break up with her and find someone that you are truly satisfied with and don't feel compelled to try to change.

 

[Reyaj]

Nice to see you @Reyaj

How to bring up the weight thing. It is touchy. For men and for women. When my BF and I started dating he weighed 245 lbs. He’s almost 6’4”, so he’s a big man. However he carried his weight in his throat and his belly. He snored frightfully and would gasp for air throughout the night. His sleep apnea was obstructive and scary.

I am also dealing with my 14 year old daughter. Very tough. She got up to 156 lbs. on a 5’7” frame. That’s too heavy. She lives in an area where most women are overweight and they become overweight young. She is introverted and reserved and loves to draw. She spends hours drawing daily and she’s quite talented. But this is sedentary. Not active.

The way I approached the topic with my BF was to explain to him that losing weight will ease his sleep apnea. He will breathe better because losing weight will reduce obstruction in his airway, and this is the simplest solution he can employ to improve his health, his sleep and his longevity without expense or surgery. He has done well and currently weighs between 200 and 205 lbs.

He looks better (hotter than ever), he feels better, his snoring is remarkably improved and his sleep is better.

My daughter I’ve had to approach more delicately. I didn’t know what else to do but sit her down & tell her I’m concerned about her health, and I’m concerned about her becoming stigmatized as a “heavy girl”. That’s tough here because the vast majority of females here are fat. So fat appears normal. But in a year I am moving my girls to a much warmer, more actively inclined area where most of the high school girls are slender...and she will be a “fat girl” there. That will not be good.

For her I require her to weigh in the mornings several times a week, and I also have put her on a strict keto diet. No milk, no bread or pasta, no sugar, no sweets, no soda, no empty junk food. Primarily vegetables, fats and protein. She is already 10lbs lighter and she has embraced the discipline to stay on the regimen. If she cheats it shows on the scale because the weight loss stalls out. We have an ongoing discussion about it.

I’ve gone over body dismorphism with her, gone over the risks of diabetes and obesity, and I’ve been very loving about it. I’m concerned about her weight BECAUSE I love her and I’m not going to sit back and watch her balloon up without saying anything. She doesn’t yet care about boys, but at some point she will and I also want her to have the best opportunities she can as she enters the dating years. She is a beautiful girl, very sweet and intelligent and talented. I don’t want her weight to be a barrier to her success in any aspect of her life.

But it isn’t an easy conversation.

You can’t fear the conflict that this conversation with your fiancé will create. It will create some degree of conflict. I think it’s better to get it out on the table and wrestle with it. I myself currently weigh 110 lbs. on a 5’6” frame. I look fantastic in clothes and fantastic out of clothes. I stay disciplined because I love the way I look and to be frank I love the attention it garners.

The idea that keto is bad for you has been debunked thoroughly. Keto/paleo was the way humans ate for millennia until in recent times we learned to process foods. Milk and honey were delicacies in Biblical times...they were rarely consumed as they were rarely available. People were not gluttonous unless they were rich (and therefore plump figures were sought after...it was a sign of wealth and status in ancient times). But I digress.

All you can do is have the conversation. Help her understand that your sexual desire nature is tied to the way she keeps her appearance and her figure. You love her and you want to have desire for her for many years. You want her healthy. Tell her this. Will she be sensitive? If she is that means she is already aware it’s an issue...she just doesn’t want you to notice. You have to bring it up and face it together. You guys can then make lifestyle choices that support and encourage the discipline required to live healthy and look good. Don’t fear the conflict. If she says “how dare you???” Simply ask her if she would prefer your sexual desire for her to wane and threaten your fidelity to her. Does she want that? No? Then this is important. Period.

Good luck with it. These are not easy conversations but they are necessary. She must know your expectations and you must be true about what your needs are too.

Cheers, BE

It is such a hard conversation... I've had previous experiences with this and they didn't end well so that's why I've never explicitly said "I have a problem with your weight..." I do tell her the healthy part though how we should both be healthy which she has obviously read between the lines on. She has been making an effort lately as she joined a gym program and eats healthy during the week, but like I said on the weekends we both indulge with food and alcohol. Do you think we need to stop this on weekends?

Regarding Keto I can say this definitely works... I've seen so many examples of both women and men lose drastic weight quickly. But I do think the health aspect of it is questionable. Just yesterday I saw Jillian Michaels publish something about how its not good for your health. Jillian Michaels as you know is one of the top fitness women in America.

https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/jillian-michaels-keto-diet-terrible-idea


A lot of people say it has negative affects. There must be merit to it?

 

[BeExcellent]

It is such a hard conversation... I've had previous experiences with this and they didn't end well so that's why I've never explicitly said "I have a problem with your weight..." I do tell her the healthy part though how we should both be healthy which she has obviously read between the lines on. She has been making an effort lately as she joined a gym program and eats healthy during the week, but like I said on the weekends we both indulge with food and alcohol. Do you think we need to stop this on weekends?

Regarding Keto I can say this definitely works... I've seen so many examples of both women and men lose drastic weight quickly. But I do think the health aspect of it is questionable. Just yesterday I saw Jillian Michaels publish something about how its not good for your health. Jillian Michaels as you know is one of the top fitness women in America.

https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/jillian-michaels-keto-diet-terrible-idea


A lot of people say it has negative affects. There must be merit to it?

I’m in healthcare. The occurrence of type 2 diabetes, hypertension, obesity (the effects of which onset with only moderate extra weight), cancer risk and high cholesterol all moderate with the removal of high carb intake from the diet. That doesn’t count estrogenic effects of a high carb/high sugar diet...and estrogenic effects include difficulty losing weight and sluggish metabolism. You see in women (and to a lesser degree in men) fat cells manufacture estrogens. The fewer fat cells you have (the lower your fat deposits) the less extra estrogen you make.

My brother is one of the top breast cancer researchers in the world and one of the things cutting edge breast cancer research is focused on is estrogenic factors in breast cancer. Estrogen, estradiol and other hormonal intermediaries actually encourage breast cancer development. In addition women who are 10% under ideal body weight based on BMI have the healthiest health profile and the greatest longevity. Body fat % contributes to ill health outcomes.

Exercise contributes to immune strength.

Do your research. Your body needs few carbs and is not designed to handle high carbs. That’s why carbs cause weight gain. They are extra calories and many are devoid of real nutritional value. If you do eat some carbs, eat smart. Be sure they have some high nutritional value and some dietary fiber. As in fresh blueberries as opposed to blueberry jam on toast. Carbs and sugar contribute to belly fat, and % belly fat is linked to poor health outcomes. Her article gives no scientific rationale for her stance. My opinion is that the health benefits of keto/paleo far outweigh risk. More and more medical professionals are arriving at the same conclusion.

As with many things the devil is in the details. I don’t advocate eating just butter & bacon for 3 meals for example. But if you eat bacon & eggs at breakfast, avocado and mixed greens with nuts & vinegar/oil dressing at lunch and some fish & sautéed spinach at dinner with a glass of Prosecco (6 carbs a serving) and some ice water? You’ll lose weight. Snack on good cheese or some cold cuts between meals if necessary. Drink hot tea; herbal tea. Have a tsp of honey. It’s perfectly healthy I assure you. I’ve eaten that way myself personally for 25+ years. Before it was a thing.

As for the weekends? Beer is fattening. Many mixed drinks are very high in sugar, although straight alcohol (vodka for example) has no carbs. The thing to watch is that guess what your body breaks down alcohol into? That’s right, sugars, which are carbs. Read up on the metabolism of alcoholics for more info. on that. No suggesting y’all are alcoholics at all, it’s just the metabolic pathway...

The best you can do is lead by example. You absolutely can blow all your progress during the week by over indulging on the weekend.

You guys will have to be the judge of that.

 

[glass half full]

^^thanks for the info. Very helpful,

 

[Reyaj]

@BeExcellent Thanks for the mature feedback on this thread. I honestly haven't done my research on Keto but have heard both positive and negative about it. I think I will do this and create a separate thread on the Health and Fitness forum.

 

[daproest1]

I've been procrastinating writing this post but I can no longer do so. The title of this post is the first thought that comes to my mind in this very complicated situation.

Before I write about the decision I need to make and the circumstances around it I need to first discuss and reveal myself....

I am not normal.... I fear the house in the suburbs with the wife,kids and white picket fence. I feel like I am selling out so to speak and am just another sheep in society.

I suffer from cognitive dissonance though of wanting to be calm and simple while also wanting to be someone special and enjoy the superficial pleasures in life... driving a nice car, hooking up with hot girls whenever I want, and essentially being someone who is envied for living life to the fullest and not falling into the marriage trap and the rat race.

However I am 40 years old. I really don't feel like it mentally though... I feel like I'm in my 20's who wants to go out to bars/parties/clubs and hook up with girls if I can. I've been really living a double life doing so... whether its from going out or online I've been meeting girls on the side while In my 4 year relationship and also did so previously while I was in my 5 year relationship.

Yes it feels like deja vu all over again... You can certainly search and find a thread I wrote years back when I facing a similar marriage situation. I actually felt I upgraded my girl which I still believe I have. Unfortunately the same thing about bothering the hell out of me about both of them.... their weight!!!!

This is exactly where the internal mental conflict kicks in... part of the time I am happy with a good companion who has past all my screenings.. and the other half of the time I want a thinner woman!

Here is the irony... when I met my current girlfriend she was 24 and very attractive! The sex with her was amazing, I was so attracted to her... I would even want go down on her which is something I don't generally do. My girlfriend before her was voluptuous and pretty but turned into a whale. It caused a big problem for me which was a big factor in our relationship ending. When I ended up with my current girlfriend I felt so happy because here was a girl that was in shape, attractive and I physically into. But now I feel like I'm in a similar boat.

I guess my current girlfriend has a large frame... its something I never noticed though until the weight gain. She is just overweight a bit but I wouldn't call her a whale. My ex girlfriend, now that was a whale. My ex was lazy and didn't stick to eating healthy or a workout schedule. My current girlfriend does eat healthy for the most part (except on the weekends with eating and drinking). Maybe she is just past the Age of Expiration of 27 I've read about and that's just life?

I've looked at pictures of us together throughout the years... she was so beautiful early on... I'm not saying she is ugly now but she just looks like a normal overweight American girl.

Now let me say how great she is... she cooks amazing, she works hard and has money saved for us to get a house, she'll do me or sexually please me whenever I want (which hasn't been much lately around her), she is intelligent. She comes from a good family that really likes me a lot.

Me... well I cheat, have crazy debt, and basically still not sure what I want to do with my life. Unfortunately at 40 I feel like I'm out of time to figure it out... especially if I want to have children.

I've been writing down a lot of my thoughts lately about the situation. Here they are in no particular order:

Thoughts

• Should my mission be to find the hottest girl I can attain?
  
  
• Should I accept that I can't retain hot women? I've had sex with a few in the past but keeping a relationship with them was exhausting.
  
  
• I'm a sex addict and can't control it. When I get horny I start craving other women and sometimes go to the strip club for extras.
  
  
• I want to have a wife and family at home but still be able to game attractive women on the side - Thus the life I want is unattainable.
  
  
• When I *** I feel relaxed and not consumed with sex addiction thoughts.
  
  
• My girlfriend has gained weight and is heavy. This really bothers me. I feel like I would want a girl with a nice body but other times I wouldn't want to deal with it.
  
  
• When I am sick or physically ill I realize mortality and the importance of essential needs with a wife with good values can provide.
  
  
• I get upset when I look at my girlfriend and see a big girl then I see thinner girls with boyfriends who appear less attractive than me and I feel I should have one of them.
• 
  
• I don't like dealing with the game of dating and the efforts attached to it. Yet I am still very attracted to other women. Maybe I need to live a double life?
  
  
• I am in terrible financial shape.
  
  
• My girlfriend is a successful worker who manages money well.
  
  
• Sometimes I feel very content in my relationship but my sexual attraction for my girlfriend has waned.

Help me!

Imagine that you can’t ever talk to her again. If that doesn’t bother you, don’t marry her. As far as the weight, you lead by example. I’m a gym rat and have been for 13 years... so this is easy for me. All I can say on my end, is that I regret not marrying my ex every single day. She dropped hints for years and I ignored them all. But she was hot af. Good head on her shoulders. And financially stable just like me. I didn’t think she’d leave. Then she did. But you’re older than me and know better. So it comes down to whether or not you’re ok with her disappearing from your life. If you’re not, just marry the girlS Also, carbs are the enemy. Eliminate carbs, raise your fat and protein intake. and the bodyfat starts to disappear.